Constantine (2005)

    ~Cast~

Keanu Reeves..........John Constantine

Rachel Weisz..........Angela Dodson/Isabel Dodson

Shia LeBeouf...........Chas Chandler

Gavin Rossdale........Balthazar

Peter Stormare.........Satan

Directed by..............Francis Lawrence

    My Rating:

                         "That's cause I'm Chas...Chas Chandler Asshole!."~Chas

       

    From the first time I saw this movies trailer, my original impression was that this movie was going to be pure shit. Friends, Co-workers, and family members all commented on how cool the movie was going to be and once it was released, how good it was. Well...I don't know if people saw the same movie I did, but this is yet another case of style over matter. Reeves also proves that he is a one-character actor, which means, he plays the same the same role in every one of his movies. I boggles my mind how he gets these big name roles when all he does is the same kind of mellatone performance that he has done since his days of POINT BREAK and BILL AND TED. The only thing this movie has going for it is the stylish directing but not even the directing can save this movie from being sent straight to hell.

   John Constantine is a man who is dying of cancer because he has been smoking 30 cigarettes a day since he was 15 years old...I am not exaggerating. I don't think there was a scene where John didn't whip out a cigarette and start smoking. John isn't your average guy though, he doesn't maintain a normal job like everybody else...instead he sends the demons that are on earth back to hell. See, God and the Devil made a bet that humans will end up killing each other...thing is...they can't interfere, only send out half-breeds to whisper things into peoples ears to get them to go insane. Now, this Mexican guy finds this dagger that supposedly has the power to decide the fate of the world. Evil wants it...it can't happen...John wants to get into heaven and he is willing to do anything it takes to please God for he tried to kill himself. Suicide is FORBIDDEN so...he has to redeem himself and he tries to send these demons back to hell to save face with God. Wow...boggles my mind how they get that across in 20 pages in a comic.

   My biggest problem with this movie was the way the story was told. It was told in such a slow way that it was hard as hell to know what was going on. It took forever for the movie to start getting good or interesting. The movie just didn't do it for me...some people loved the movie but this movie had no depth to it, I don't know what the comic was like but if it was anything like this then...I am shocked that it made it to the big screen.

   We have Keanu Reeves playing the same character he has played since the 80's only this time he was named, JOHN CONSTANTINE To be honest, there were points in this movie that he needed to be shot for since it was so poorly acted that it made my ears hurt. Only in the opening exorcism and the end battle was he actually good. Reeves either needs to go back to Bill and Ted or stop making movies. One or the other...Rachel Weisz played twins in this movie, Angela and Isabel Dobson, and while one of them died in the first 10 minutes, the other did ok but looked hot as hell. Shia LeBeouf, who I have to say, is one of the ONLY Disney actors to actually venture off and do things outside of the cutesy PG rated family films. He was funny in this and I can't wait to see what other horror movies he pops up in. It took me a minute to figure out who this guy was but it was during a slow motion scene that I realized the lead singer from Bush was here playing Balthazar the evil demon half-breed. He does decent but I think he really didn't have too much to work with in this movie...Finally; Peter Stormare playing SATAN was the best part of the movie. This guy knows how to creep a guy out; just his over all body movements are enough to creep you out. Directing wise, this movie has it going on, from the eerie filters to the sharp edits. Francis knew how to work the camera and seeing as how the only thing he had done previously were music videos I think this guy shows promise!

   Now to the gore, almost every drop of blood in this movie was CGI so if computer generated blood and deaths are your thing...you may want to just a video game. We get a guy getting slammed into by a car, CGI creatures trying to escape from human stomachs, cgi flesh melting, corkscrew stabbings, attack of the killer bees, and some others that I really just can't recall right now. As for sex and nudity, this movie is bone dry on that, the guys get to see Rachel in a soaking wet white shirt but unfortunately for men everywhere...there was a protective BLACK bra underneath...for the ladies you can get creeped out by Stormare and his bizarreness.

    I say, this is a movie that can go either way with people, for me it went sour for I just didn't dig the concept of the movie. It was extremely stylish but style isn't enough to make this movie work. What it needed was some decent acting (You are not Neo, you are not the one! Get over it!) a faster moving plot, some better effects, most likely ones that aren't all CGI and some decent gore scenes. Constantine falls short but it's not all bad, the end and the opening are the only parts worth seeing, skip the middle of this turkey and enjoy the 30 minutes of it that is good. Wait for video to send this movie to hell. 

 

Special Guest Reviewers

George Newman

"Ya know for a guy who smokes 30 cigerettes a day and is supposedly riddled with lung cancer, he can sure as hell run long distances and fast as hell without wheezing or loss of breath. Great acting right there dipshit."

 

 

Billy Madison

"It must have been the penguin! He did this whole entire thing! DAMN YOU PENGUIN!!! DAMMMNNN YOUUUUU!!!!! HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

 

THWACK!!!

 

 Jack Torrance

"THAT IS FUCKING IT!!! I  have had it with that little asshole and his penguin mumbo jumbo bullshit! Just drove me right up the god damn wall! Ahhh that is so much better now...Hey barkeep! Give me a shot of whiskey don't don't go skimpy on it. Cheers! 

 

 

 

Bob Barker

::enters the room to find Billy Madison's dismembered corpse lying around:: JACK! What in the hell happened here!?"

 

 

Jack Torrance

"::looks around:: Well...it looks like...somebody cut Billy up...somebody cut him right the fuck up! What!? Like you didn't want to do it!? It was long over due! I think you all should be thanking me..

 

 

Peter Griffin

"I never liked that rat bastard...ever since that time he tried to sneak a peek the sick little bastard!

::flashback:: Silence...silence...out of nowhere Billy Madison pops his head inthrough the window

HOW YA DOIN PENGUIN!? OOO!! NUDEY MAGAZINE DAY! NUDEY MAGAZINE DAY! NUDEY MAGAZINE DAY!!!!

AHHHHH!!!

Bathkemodo! anakeesdeeday! WANT TO TOUCH THE HINEY!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!"

::flashback ends:: Yeah...I hope that bastards rots in hell!

 

Dr. Fienstone

"Nice work Jack! But we still have a few more to take out...annoying little fuckers. Let me take the next one...I will give him a root canal and then shove the drill right down his fucking....

 

 

Jack Torrance

"I have had enough of this crap...it's time to take out some of these people...you with me Fienstone? How about you myers?

 

 

Michael Myers

 

::Carves into the Billy's back:: You bet your sister's sweet ass I am!

 

Jack Torrance

Good...time to take out the garbage!

 

 

                Rest In Pieces

                Billy Madison

 

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