Bog Creatures (2003)

~Cast~

Leia Thompson......................Diana Oppenheimer

Michael Mosley......................Nick Warren

Joshua Park..............................Steve Dyson

Jesse Steccato........................ Ronald Teller

Courtney Henggeler...............Susan Ward

Jeffrey Howard........................Professor Feneman

Lara Theodos..........................Kelly Fenemen

Debbie Rochon.......................Tara

Directed by...............................J. Christian Ingvordsen

My Rating:

               "I'm a scientist! It's my job to know!" ~Professor Feneman

   For many a day I have been contemplating renting this movie based off the fact the cover looked like it would be cheesy and fun but I always ended up deciding against seeing it for some reason. Finally, I said fuck it, I will just see it and after being snickered at by the cashier (fucking little douche bag knew I rented crap!) I got home put it in, and prepared myself for the worst. While this movie isn't total crap, it's attempt at being fun and interesting drown in the bog along with the unneeded twist and lame ending. I could look over the fact the 1200 year old castle looked like it was just polished, painted and refinished by LOWES 2 weeks prior to filming, the fact the characters are beyond stupid in terms of "Oh, there are creatures outside, let us barricade the door, then instant it stops making sound, NOT look through a key hole...nope. Just re-open the door...nothing will happen, or the fact that supposedly nobody could find these things but one student from Yale is able to figure out where they were within 10 minutes and that they found the bodies by digging maybe a 4 inches down. Real believable there....but BOG CREATURES isn't all bad, it does have better acting then one would come to expect from a film like this, it also has some decent looking monsters that are shown WAY to early and way to much. The directing borderlines good and bad while the sound effects are so atrocious that I had to laugh at the fake screams that have been in almost every movie since the 1930's. Let's get to the plot shall we?

   Many many many years ago, berserkers raided a castle and grabbed all the women...instead of raping them they had them sacrificed to a woman with crappy face paint on. All these years later, a professor and his hot and supposedly brainiac sister get 5 people together (where he got the logic to put them together is beyond me) He wants them to go to this location in the woods, and find the bog people and send their corpses back to him. It will be the biggest scientific discovery ever (yeah, finding corpses is REALLY breaking grounds in science) so they go and what happens next is of course...the basics of this kind of horror film. They find the bodies, other bodies are walking around, begin scenes of characters wandering around by themselves while being followed or looked at via killers POV shots followed by characters disappearing, then searching for said missing persons, then being attacked and you get the picture. And if you don't then I can say to you "BOG CREATURES IS AN ORIGINAL ONE OF A KIND FILM! YOU WILL BE BLOWN AWAY BY HOW ORIGINAL IT IS!" But since we all have seen a horror film before...we know everything to expect.

   The crew I believe spent all the money on the Bog creatures because first off, there is nothing more to the gore in this film aside from red lines created by plastic knives which in fact LEAK red blood. It wasn't on making the castle look authentically old because this thing had a fresh coat of paint on the walls, a nice and new fire place and not a single cob web to be seen. Not bad for a place that is supposed to be well over 1200 years old! The thing that killed this was the lame ass "need to be different" twist they have that is so fucking stupid that it rips the groans and the "oh come on" 's right out of you. It is one of those "OH MY GOD!! I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED LETS HAVE THE EXPLANATION BE EXPLAINED VIA BORING CHARACTER DIALOGUE WHICH IS SUPPOSED TO TIE EVERYTHING TOGETHER!" Ya know, for once, just say "Shit happened...they are back...let's deal with it!" Can we say that for once? A lot quicker and less painful then the whole "Hundreds of years ago...." speech. But on the cleaner side of the bog, this film DOES offer some kind of redeeming quality to it...it has decent acting, somewhat interesting and eerie scenes, and kept me interested for a while.

   To the acting...I can name every actor and say they did ok or good or whatever but who the hell is going to know who is who? Shit, I just watched it and I still don't know which person played which character. So they all do a better then average job...the only one who differed from the pack was Debbie Rochon who hammed it up in this, I didn't buy one thing she said or did in this film. We first see her running and acting like a traumatized Tarzan "Bad things.....bad...we die...me like Jane Ooo Ooo" and she is supposed to be comforted and feel safe with people who are clearly 10 years (if not more) younger then her!? Riiiight. I was disappointed cause a lot of people keep bragging on and on about how great she is in these films and I have yet to see that come to pass. (American Nightmare anyone?) The directing in this is ok in some parts...almost gets to good but never seems to reach it. I think the director has potential but it isn't shown very well in this. He does manage to pull a couple of cheap scares (thanks to my sound system and being half asleep) out of me and has the ability to make it eerie and creepy  but the budget didn't allow him to go all the way. Oh well...

   To the gore? ::laughs:: What gore? Oh you mean the red lines of "blood" we get that were supposedly throat slits right? Yeaaaah! Damn, nothing makes this gore lover smile more then a red line...damn...if red lines get your gore factor pumping....then this is the movie for you. We also get a neck snap!!! And not one of those close up, bone crunching ones...nope just a long shot and the person falling to the ground. Utterly disturbing! How did they ever get past the censors on that one!? Wow, they push ALL the limits in this film. Lest we forget the tons of "Did I just see a nipple!?" shots we get...oh yeah...I love it when you either have to ponder if you DID see a titty or not...unless you want to freeze frame it and look like the worlds biggest loser....yes the paintings on the wall are laughing at you for doing this...do not assume they aren't. Debbie Rochon holds hers while being washed by another girl (yeah, they actually accomplished NOT making that hot) and while she is completely topless we are missing the most important part....the nipple. Yes folks...whip out those remotes and start going to frame by frame...maybe you noticed something I didn't...and if so...pat yourself on the back for you are the biggest loser this side of galaxy! Do yourself a favor, get a hooker or go steal your dads porn movies from under then bed cause anyone who examines a movie like this THAT closely needs to be shot.

   The DVD itself looks cool but looks aren't everything, there is a cool making of featured that makes you like the movie more actually (one of those we worked so hard and we love our creation ,it is greatness) kind of things. Full frame and lame sound also accompany this disc as well as nothing worthy of me mentioning. Spend no more then 5 bucks on it...anything else and you are cheating yourself.

   I say, this movie is worth a rental if you are into the whole indie film thing. When I say indie, I mean indie...like this has the budget of 10 bucks and a pack of smokes. If you are really in the mood for good indie, check out MALEVOLENCE or if you want cheesy fun indie, check out ANUBIS AKA ANCIENT EVIL 2...both are way better and worth watching more so then this. You can use this as the alternate and pray nobody comes over to watch it with you cause it will be the last movie they ever allow you to pick out. Fucking asshole...now because of it I am forced to watch THE NOTEBOOK...yeah...I know...I wish I was dead too...DAMN YOU BOG CREATURES!!! DAMN YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Special Guest Reviewers:

George Newman

"Only worse then this movie is our programming. Hahaha! Oh we are on the air!? Oh! ::deepens voice:: Hi! Lesbian Nazi Hookers Abducted by UFOs and Forced Into Weight Loss Programs - -all next week on Town Talk."

Jack Torrance

"You are a fucking moron...I really wish I could just cut your head off...cut it right the fuck off!" 

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