Amityville Horror (2005)

~Cast~

Ryan Reynolds..........George Lutz

Melissa George..........Kathy Lutz

Jesse James.................Billy Lutz

Jimmy Bennet.............Michael Lutz

Philip Baker Hall........Father Callaway

Directed by..................Andrew Douglas

My Rating:

                   "What is wrong with this family?"~George Lutz

   Well it is official, people will believe anything, no matter how stupid or out there it may seem as long as the words "BASED ON A TRUE STORY" dawn the cover of the movie. Had the idiot writer actually gone and read the story or consulted with the man who lived it maybe he would have made a movie that was more accurate. Instead we get this seizure inducing remake that tries to be scary by scaring you with a bunch of flashy MTV style cheap scares and shots that resemble a Nine Inch Nails video. It is bad enough this is a remake, but they found it to be imperative that they rip off about 12 other horror films and half of them weren't even GOOD horror films to begin with! I mean, what kind of a stupid fucking moron rips off HIDE AND SEEK!?  Yet again Scott Kosar finds the need to explain and give motive to a killer who needs no motive...last time he gave Leather face a reason for killing and now he has given this house a reason. Keep reading to find out...if not...go back other wise don't bother filling my mail box with a bunch of whiney emails complaining about how I ruined the ending to this poor excuse for a motion picture.

   The Lutz family decide to buy a perfect dream house which is selling for real cheap, only catch is that the Defoe family was brutally murdered, shot by papa with a shotgun while they all slept. A year passes and an unsuspecting family, The Lutz family move into this place and of course, the father begins acting "naughty" With every passing day, George becomes more and more insane and his eyes become more and more blood shot (my guess is he was smoking a tad bit to much of the reefer in the basement) so now the wife becomes paranoid about her kids safety so she goes out and gets a priest who comes in, throws out a couple of hillmaries and then runs out with a few Jesus Christs. Turns out the house was built on a burial ground where some whacko killed a bunch of Indians for some reason and yeah, they give the fucking house a motive. So in the end, all they do is beat pops over the head with a shotgun, take him for a niiiice boat ride and everyone is happy. Of course the whole fact that this movie SUCKED plays into the film about mid point when you start noticing that this movie is going off of NOTHING.

   I wasn't a big fan of the original, in fact I haven't seen the first one in years and this is one of the only series out there I never have fully seen. Knowing what I knew about the original and knowing what I needed to know about the real life story, this movie fails in comparison. Whether it was the bullshit about it being some Indian ghost possessing the people or it was just Lutz going crazy, whatever. The movie just didn't do it for me, to be   quite honest, I am just not impressed when a director shows any kind of promise (this one didn't) and they take an old movie and remake it. If you want to make a haunted house story, write your OWN god damn story! Stop remaking the same fucking movie and showing the same fucking thing only with different twists or characters. I am so sick of other people saying how much they dig these films when all that is doing is telling them "yes, it's good you don't come up with any ideas and just SELL our great genre out" But whatever, nothing I say will matter now seeing as how this movie made MGM go out by breaking even and coming in number 1 so I will just shut up. Chances are I won't be as agitated at this movie by tomorrow for I haven't had sleep in 3 days so FUCK OFF!! >:(

   Ryan Reynolds aka Van Wilder actually surprised me and showed he could somewhat act. I wouldn't say he was good but he wasn't bad either. He plays George Lutz and he has some of the funniest lines in this whole god forsaken movie. Melissa George plays Kathy Lutz and while she looked hot, her acting skill didn't match. She had a few lines that had me laughing and she didn't tell any jokes. Philip Baker Hall got 3rd billing for some reason and I have no idea why. He is barely in this fucking thing, his character is completely a red herring and ends up adding NOTHING to the plot. He just restates what we already know and then goes off on a tangent about how scared he is. Wow great screenplay, which 2nd grade English book did you copy this character out of? Jesse James played Billy Lutz and I think this kid is actually pretty good at acting in this kind of movie. He was good although a little small for Butterfly Effect but in this he was solid. Jimmy Bennet plays Michael Lutz who is the little boy from HOSTAGE and while he didn't have enough screen time in this movie, he did what he could. I think I would have liked to see something more with his character, anything would have beat the little girl's HIDE AND SEEK bullshit.

   Now the director attempts to make this movie resemble the TCM remake by showing archive footage and fake newspaper ads and what not, instead all he manages to do is create a film that is very boring to look at. If not for the blaring sound and cheap scare-a-thon that was running through out this, I would have ended up falling asleep. I think he went for what he has seen recently and just copied it, had I not known any better, I would have thought this movie was directed by Nispel himself. Now, some people say he was good but once again, MTV style camera work and poorly lit scenes enhanced with flashy cuts doesn't make a movie scary. That is solely what this douche relied on and for me, it was much like watching a cute girl at a karaoke bar, you want it to be good and  you want to be into her but instant she starts singing, all you can do is pray for her vocal cords to give out. He had a style that I wanted to like but with there being nothing new offered, to me it was dull and played out.

   To the gore, people boasted about how gory this movie is and it makes me wonder if they will say anything is gory JUST because it has a shot or 2 of blood. The gore is soooo quick in this that if you flinch, you will miss it. We get shotgun to the head, shit ripped off from Hellraiser, blood, chopped up dog, and one cool gore scene with a finger going into a bullet wound in a little girls head. THAT I thought was sweet. The quick cuts prevent them from being anything more then just boring crap. To the nudity, it is ladies night for Ryan has his shirt off more times in this movie then Kevin Bacon has in his whole career! The guys get the back side of Melissa George but because of angles...we miss out on her jubilees...we do get her bony back though! If that turns you on then you probably also enjoy science class when the teacher brings out the fake skeleton. Also, we have a sex scene that is copied from Stir of Echoes and had I not watched that movie the night before I wouldn't have caught it. Fucking unoriginal twat, it's bad enough that they had to REMAKE a movie, can they at least have the common decency to have something original in it? I mean damn!

   I say, this was MGM's final film and while it made money at the box office, it did not make it in my eyes. They could have really done something with this movie, bought the expensive Las Vegas whore, but instead they go with the toothless hag down the street who is cheap, and guaranteed to freak you out. Don't know where that analogy fit in but I felt it did for some reason. Amityville horror is a movie that spawned about 7 sequels and unfortunately, this remake will probably spawn a lackluster sequel that all you teeny bopper assholes out there will eat up like candy. Horror is going down the tubes very fast and it's sad when the crappiest horror films top the box office but ones that actually have something to offer are lucky to break the top 5.

Special Guest Reviewers:

George Newman

"I found it funny how this movie supposedly takes place in the 70's and yet not a single person sported the fashions of that generation. Also, one must ponder the sanity of the mother if she was willing to leave her 2 sons and one daughter alone with a girl who was wearing less clothes then Paris Hilton did in her infamous video. Don't get me wrong, it's a guys dream but what the hell!? She then bitches at the husband for he doesn't like sleeping with them any more...gee I wonder why!"

Jack Torrance

"Oh please, we all know you left the theatre to go get popcorn when she appeared muttering "How degrading that is to women!" fucking fag!"

Patrick Bateman

"You know what Ed Gein said? When I see a pretty girl walking down the street, I think two things. One part wants me to take her out, talk to her, be real nice and sweet and treat her right...and the other part thinks...what her head would look like on a stick..."

Dr. Alan Feinstone

"I don't know who you are, but I do know I like your style. Have you ever thought of the benefits of good dentistry? It is the only way to be since without it, you are like my wife....she had a beautiful smile but she had to...dirty it like the dirty fucking cunt that she is but I fixed it...oh yes...I fixed her alright....she won't be using her dirty tongue on anyone ever again HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA!!!!"