The Card Player

         ~Cast~
Stefania Rocca ................ Anna Mari
Liam Cunningham .......... John Brennan
Silvio Muccino ................ Remo
Adalberto Maria Merli .... Police Commissioner
Claudio Santamaria ......... Carlo Sturni
Fiore Argento .................. Lucia Marini
Cosimo Fusco .................. Berardelli
Mia Benedetta ................. Francesca
 

SAMHAIN'S RATING

    When I think Dario Argento, I think strange offbeat characters brought to life by even stranger lighting and camerawork, framed by moody colors, and often, decorated in a splash of bright red crimson. The atmospheric score that sets upon you like an approaching fog, setting the tone of the film. The mysterious killer in black leather gloves skulking about in the shadows with his straight razor, the definitive giallo boogeyman. Dario Argento's films have always been, for lack of a better term, "weird". But then again, that's why I like them.

"The Card Player" is not even a slightly weird movie. It's a paint-by-numbers 8pm episode of your favorite police drama. It's CSI with a Goblin-gone-techno soundtrack, a few curse words, and some pretty fake looking corpses fished out of rivers who just so happen to have a certain type of plant seed up their noses. Imagine that! Dario explains in an interview on the disc, how he wanted to do something different with this film. That he certainly did, but not for the better, because he basically threw everything out the window that makes an Argento film what it is. It's like a Russ Meyer film without tits.

Basically, we have a lunatic who kidnaps women, then forces the police to play video poker against him. If the police lose, she dies. Unfortunately, it's quite difficult to make people sitting around playing video poker look suspenseful, even if there is a techno beat thumping away in your ear. Worse yet, I pretty much knew the outcome of every match played before it even began. You know they are going to lose a few at first, then win. However, the totally overdone, pathetic squealing and screeching of the captive women through the entire poker matches will make you wish it was over before it began. I must have said "stuff a fuckin' sock in that bitch's mouth already.." like 4 times during this film! And the stupidity of these cops, to not suspect an inside job even after the police commisioner's daughter herself is taken, just makes ya laugh. This is all the more unreal when the cracking of the case is something so utterly obscure, it was a stroke of pure investigative genius to figure out. Halfway through the story, they finally win a game against the killer, and the next scene is this huge party they throw in celebration. The killer is still out there, they still don't know jack shit about him, yet theyre all 'attaboy slaps on the back and the champagne is flowing like water. It's just ridiculous.

The two predictably troubled and subsequently lovestruck cops whom this moronic tale centers itself on mumble their way through their dialogue, and just don't seem convincing in their parts. They pick up a lovably scruffy, streetwise poker whiz kid to help them with the case, and though he's very paranoid of even getting slightly involved with the police at all, this guy lights up a joint in the bathroom of the police station the very next scene! It's just inconsistent, characters actions do not jive with their supposed personas. From the red herring totally suspicious character that it just has to be, to the lovable character that gets whacked, it's just a run of the mill exercise in predictable mediocrity.

This movie is practically bloodless, we don't even get the pleasure of seeing the whiny wenches meet their maker. And the grand finale, the big showdown, the coup de grace, is literally the most fucking ridiculous ending I've seen in years. I'll just put it this way, a big final showdown that takes place between two people playin' a damn video game is not a good idea. It's just not an entertaining film. On the bright side, there are a few really nice extras on the disc, featuring an interview with Dario and also Claudio Simonetti, the head "Goblin".

Dario wanted to make a different film. Different lighting (all natural and basic room lighting), different music (total techno), contemporary-style camerawork, very little suspense, and very little blood. Basically, everything that makes me like his films. There is a roughly 5 minute scene in which, I think in a nod to his glory days, a black-gloved killer squares off in a creepy lights-out suspense scene with one of the cops. It's all too fleeting though, and I cant help be be reminded of the last time I picked up a Metallica cd (St. Anger) and thought "It's Metallica, how bad can it be?". I guess I'll never learn.

Special Guest Reviewer:
Archie Bunker

So the film aint all weird, dat's a bad thing? What is it anyway with ya flakes, cant ya just appreciate a reg'lar story for once?
 

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