OUR STORY
October 25, 2005 @ 1:01 am Our Beautiful Little Angel came and left our lifes in a blink of an eye. She weighed 12.6 ounces was 10.5 inches long she was 23 weeks and 5 days gestation. She was so beautiful, breathtaking just perfect in every way. Our lives will never be the same again. She was our little miracle from God. A Precious Little Blessing. She is forever in our hearts. We love and miss her so much.
My husband and I have been trying to have a child since 1995. After two years of trying on our own we decided we should talk with a doctor. We spoke with a doctor and they ran lots of tests. They decided to start us on Clomid Dec 97. To our surprise we got pregnant the first time. But it was good to be true. We miscarried our first baby at 11 weeks. we kept on trying taking the Clomid with no success we did 10 months worth of it. We gave up took a break. We decided to go the next step. We went to Artificial Insemination and fertility drugs. We went through 10 months of that no success. So we gave up again and gave ourselves a break. We decided to go even further we decided we would try Invetro. We went through all the tests and in May 2005 we began our first try.
We watched on a monitor on May 29, 2005 as they put four tiny little fertilized eggs back in. We sat there and cried and prayed. June 9, 2005 we found out we were pregnant. What an amazing day. So many tears of joy. June 27, 2005 we saw the babies little fetal pull on the ultrasound. What a beautiful site. The weeks started going by. We made it through the first trimester. We were so happy. A sigh of relief the baby was growing and everything was looking good. September 13 we had the big ultrasound. that's when we found out we were having our little girl. I cried so much I was so happy. We had the standard AFP test run at the same time as the ultrasound. About a week after we got a call from the genetics nurse. My AFP test was not normal and they wanted to do a level 2 ultrasound on me. They were concerned the baby might have spina bifida or a neural defect. Our hearts were broken we were so scared and worried. We went in on September 27 and they ran the test. Everything was normal they could not find anything wrong with her. She was just fine and growing. We were so relieved and thankful that she was ok.
The pregnancy was moving right along. She was becoming very active around the end of September I was feeling her move. It was the most awesome feeling in the world. I would sit there and put my hand on my tummy and talk to my little girl and just smile. For inside of me was our wonderful littel miracle from God. We thought we were homefree. We started picking out names and deciding on the nursery theme. We decided to do the nursery in Tinkerbell. Mommie loves Disneyland and Tinkerbell would be so cute. We started buying a few things for her. Oh all the pink she was going to wear. My best friend was going to handmake her bedding for us. We bought the material and pattern. It was covered in Tinkerbell and lots of pink and purple. We were going to start putting the nursery together beginning in Nov. My brother was going to paint a beautiful mural on one of the walls. It was going to be the castle with Tinkerbell flying from it sprinkling her pixie dust and her name was going to be put on the her wall.
Well October 18 went in for my normal checkup. My BP was a little high I had gained 10 pounds in two weeks and I had some swelling. We all thought just normal, all part of a normal pregnancy. The doctor wanted to start me on home monitoring of my BP and have a nurse call me once a week to see how it was going. The next day I ended up in L&D as I started vomiting really bad they monitored me and said I had a slight case of the flu. I felt ill the next day also. Saturday October 22, 2005 I felta little better. About 10 pm that night I felt like I had a really bad case of heartburn. So I took some Mylanta and tried to sleep. I woke up at 5 am in a lot of pain it hurt to move. I had my husband go get me more Mylanta to take. It didn't work. I was so uncomfortable nothing I did helped. I called an advice nurse at 10 am they said I had a bad case of heartburn to send my husband to get Tagament. So I sent him off to the store. I took the medicine and no relief. I called L&D described again what was going on they said come in and let them check me out.
So October 23, 2005 we were off to the hospital. All the way to the hospital we were laughing how funny going to L&D for heartburn. The funny stories we would have to tell our little girl. How daddie had to take mommie to the hospital for heartburn. Well life changed when we got there. They took my BP and it was really high. They ran the protein test and I was spilling proteins into my urine +3. And a battery of tests began. My husband and I sat in the room still oblivious to what was really going on. The doctor came in and looked at us both and said. You are very sick right now. You have severe PE and HELLP Syndrome. We are admitting you right now and you will not be leaving the hospital until your baby is born. And we may have to do an emergency c-section on you before the night is through. Our hearts stopped what was happening? Our world began to shatter all around us. I was only 23 weeks and 3 days the baby would be way to small. They did an ultrasound and our little angel had IUGR. Her growth had been stunted due to my illness. The illness had been in me for about 3 weeks prior just didn't show its self affecting me until when it did. But it had already begun to affect our little angel. So our little angel was 3 weeks behind in growth. Our heads were spinning. All I could think about was how to save our little girl. They started me on an IV and started Magnesium to prevent me from having a stroke or seizure. They gave me shots of steroids. The steroids shots are suppose to help the baby. They ran bloodwork on me every six hours. My liver and kidneys were failing. My platelets were so low they were afraid I could bleed to death and I was highly anemic. So many doctors came in to see us. All I wanted was my little girl to be ok. Everyone had the same outlook. She was not going to make it.
I stabilized to a point on Monday October 24, 2005 after much discussion they said they have to get the baby out in order to save me. The best way was to deliver her naturally instead of a c-section. Less chance of me bleeding and my liver and kidneys were not strong enough to due a surgery. They began to induce me at 12 noon. They gave me pitocin to start my contractions. I put my hand on my tummy and prayed to god to let her be ok. Let her bet the odds. I could feel my little angel moving and kicking. I could see her little heartbeat on the monitor. She was alive she was our miracle. She had to be ok she just had to be ok. She was my world she was my little miracle angel. The contractions began to get harder and I started to panic and my BP shot up even higher. The started an epidural so I was more relaxed at around 6 pm so my BP wouldn't raise even higher because of the pain. Everything was like a blur it was like I was looking at everything from the outside looking in. It was like I wasn't there. I started having severe anxiety and they gave me some medicines to calm me down and make me sleep.
A nurse came in a little before 1 am. I opened my eyes and asked her what was wrong. She said my monitor was not registering any contractions and she needed to fix it. I looked at her with horror in my eyes and I said something is wrong something does not feel right. She lifted the covers and our sweet little angel had been born. She came all on her own. I did not know she had been born no one knew she had been born. She came into this world all alone no one to help her. The nurse pushed an alarm and all these doctors came running in. I began to panic. Screaming was she ok was she breathing. A doctor said no she is not. I was screaming for my husband screaming out I was sorry!! I asked where is she and they said they are trying to work on her. They tried to save her but they couldn't she was already gone. The doctors cleaned her up the best they could and wrapped her in a blanket and laid her in my arms. I looked down at my precious little girl and cried. I was having to say hello and goodbye to my precious daughter at the same time. I cried out how sorry I was her life for mine. I cried out to please take me not her. I cried out to please god bring her back bring her back to us! I cried out to my husband how sorry I was. My body failed her I had failed as a mother, I had failed as a woman and as a wife. Because of me she was gone.
She was so perfect so beautiful. Ten perfect little fingers and toes. She had the cutest little button nose. And she had the most perfect shaped little lips. My mom said she had little angel lips. My husband and I cried oh so much that morning. She stayed in my arms for 4 1/2 hours I didn't want to let her go. I laid there and held her and cried and cried. I kissed her little face I held her little hands I placed her little feet into my hand. She was so perfect so tiny so beautiful. She was perfect in every way. We wrapped our little angel in a pink silk blanket as none of the clothes the hospital had would fit her at all. My husband held his little girl and kissed her and just cried. My mom, mother in-law, sister in-law and my best friend all got to see her and say goodbye. Both the grandmas kissed her on her forehead and told her they loved her. My last moments with her I held her in my arms and told her I much I loved her and how sorry I was. I kissed my precious little angel one last time and had to say goodbye. The nurse took our beautiful angel from my arms and I watched as she walked ot the door with her. Our angel was gone our precious little blessing was gone. My husband and I held each other and just cried in each others arms after they took her from us.
We held her memorial service on November 5, 2005. It was so beautiful. Just perfect just like her. We decided to have her cremated and we decided to bring her ashes home with us. She belongs here with us not in a cemetary. We picked a sweet little pink urn for her with a little cherub angel praying on it. It has her name and the date October 25, 2005. Her daddie placed a tiny little tiara on top of her urn that mommie had bought for her she will always and forever be a princess. No parent should every have to make the horrible decisions that we had to make that morning. We need to find a cure for Preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome.
My heart is forever broken without my little angel. I long so much to hold her once again. To hear her cry to sing her a lullaby and rock her to sleep. She is forever in our hearts we love and miss her so much. She will never be forgotten she lives on in our hearts forever and always. She will always be Daddies Little Girl and will always be Mommies Little Princess Madison Alea.