There were some funny things we did that we didn't get on video at school. Here are some more funny stories of me and my friends:
The Duck Joke
Towards the beginning of the school year at LCCTC my friend punched me and all my friend told my that I sounded like a duck. Worst yet they got it on a recording which was lost when we upgraded our system at school. We were doing a skit on copyrights and we were supposed to make something up on the computer, so that was recorded when we did the audio. Then they ran it backwards using the audio program and I really sounded like a duck. From then on my friends called me Ducky and They still do to this day. See my pics in a few days for some duck stuff my friend either drew or sent to me. One of the duck drawing was actually done by my teacher who used to get involved in our mischief.
Punched 1
My friend Billet was a moron but he screwed up major one day when he
poked Brittany in the rips and she punched him in the face. I missed it
though becasue I left the cafeteria. I mean Billet was a big guy and he
was hurting from the punch. Everyone thought it was funny.
Missing Keys
There was the time my friend Brittany took my keyboard from my computer at school and took off every key. We used Macintosh computers so the keys were removable. I sat there for almost an hour putting my keys back in the right places using the keyboard from the empty computer next to me to look off of. We had a substitute teacher that day and she walked up to my seat and gave me a strange look. I said "Don't ask," but my friend Tara saved my butt by telling her I was just cleaning my keyboard.
Empty Desk
There was one morning where I came in and my desk at
school was completely empty. My computer, mouse, keyboard, scanner,
everything was gone except the top of my scanner. I had to walk around
the room and find all my stuff and return it to my desk. The teacher
didn't get mad because I'm pretty sure he was involved.
Cabinet Switch
My friends got me good the one time. The one day they threatened to
take my cabinet at my desk with all my stuff and switch it with
another. The next day I come into my class after everyone else and I
checked the tag on the cabinet to find it wasn't mine. So I figured out
where they switched it to and switched back. Well I put try to unlock
my cabinet and it doesn't work. My friends switched the tags so I had
the right cabinet and I switched it myself.
Chased From the Room
This one happened the second to last day of school. I was standing
around when my friend Brittany walked past me and I sidestepped out of
her way but as i did this I said, "I better get out of the princess's
way." She was mad, she backed me into the corner and I did a handspring
over the desk. She then chased me out of the room with me yelling "I'm
Sorry," over and over again.
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off
of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing
me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He
finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the
gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people
who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting
up on a podium outside the gates with a large book. Every now and then
St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he
catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down
from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of
breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out
of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue.
Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to
the person. Word is passed along the queue and the
lawyer is
surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed
by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special
attention.
St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned.
"You are a lawyer aren't you?'
"Yes" the lawyer replies. "Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?"
"Oh, no, "Said St Peter. "It's just you are the first one to ever get here."
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan upon the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've gotan engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue. "
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical
Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same
car. All of a sudden, the car broke down. The Mechanical Engineer said,
"I think a rod broke."
The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it
sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas." The Electrical
Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with
the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer and
said, "What do you think?"
The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.
" Oy Morris ", said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? "
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear.
Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk
home."
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."A fewglances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"Intimidated,the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked,"Well, how did I do?"Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded! (Note: Probably for telling the truth.)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50 she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat >> out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
I am a fan of Jeff Foxworthy's redneck jokes. So here are some. Some are funny, some are dumb, some are morally wrong and others are just sick. Enjoy.
You Might Be A Redneck If . . . . . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s. . . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay. . . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed. . . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose. . . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. . . . that billboard that says, "Say No To Crack" reminds you to pull up your jeans. . . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan. . . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date. . . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy. . . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. . . . you’ve got more than three cousins named "Bubba". . . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold. . . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. . . . you’ve got more than one other named "Darryl". . . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest. . . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat. . . . you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch. . . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill. . . . your child’s first words were, "Attention K-Mart shoppers!". . . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper. . . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’. . . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." . . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party. . . . you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom. . . . you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company. . . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them. . . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow. . . . you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature. . . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid. . . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck. . . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies. . . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block. . . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table. . . . the strongest smell in your house is butane. . . . you think paprika is a Third World country. . . . you ask the preacher, "How’s it hanging?" . . . you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program. . . . you have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother’s an honor student" at the local junior high. . . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre. . . . you played the banjo in your high school band. . . . the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway. . . . you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs. . . . you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires. . . . your mother doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping. . . . you’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley. . . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. . . . anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container. . . . you don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much. . . . you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House. . . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner. . . . you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income. . . . you’ve ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper. . . . you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. . . . you’ve ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital. . . . your kids’ favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence." . . . your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read. . . . you know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series. . . . you’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions. . . . your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise. . . . you’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill. . . . you time your belches to achieve a personal best. . . . your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts. . . . the fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne. . . . your favorite restaurant has the word "eats" anywhere in the name. . . . there’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house. . . . you have grease under your toenails. . . . your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull. . . . the most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is "What the hell are you lookin’ at Diphead?" . . . your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn’t. . . . your mother has more chest hair than your father. . . . you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. . . . you think a manicure is some kind of French doctor. . . . your mama saves aluminum foil. . . . you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. . . . you clean your house with a water hose. . . . during the wedding ceremony the minister said, "Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?" . . . the game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart. . . . you pawned your grandfather’s pocket watch because you needed beer money for the weekend. . . . you took your coon dogs on your honeymoon. . . . you drive across town to see a car wreck. . . . it’s impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform. . . . you think that anyone with ten fingers and toes is abnormal. . . . you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a "freebie" at the House of Tattoos. . . . you have a personal account of a UFO sighting. . . . you think a hard drive is driving more than one hour. . . . you’ve ever taken a generator and a 27-inch TV camping. . . . you help booby trap your family’s marijuana crop. . . . you have ever made a frog-gigging spear. . . . the last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys. . . . your mother’s only shoes are house slippers. . . . your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside. . . . you wear knee-high stockings with a skirt. . . . you follow the tractor pull circuit. . . . you have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house. . . . your primary income involves pigs or manure. . . . your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet. . . . your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states. . . . you were expelled from summer school. . . . you’ve ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup. . . . you attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops. . . . your baby’s crib mobile is made out of beer cans. . . . you’ve ever been asked to leave Shoney’s all-you-can-eat breakfast. . . . you have a grave in your yard. . . . you’ve ever stolen toilet paper. . . . you think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding. . . . your deceased hunting dog’s tombstone is larger than your grandfather’s. . . . you wake up in the morning already dressed for work. . . . you think the police can’t see you because your truck is painted camouflage. . . . your car ashtray is so packed, you can’t get it out. . . . you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. . . . you’re driving a vehicle with no original body parts. . . . you quit your job because deer season’s fixin’ to start. . . . your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction. . . . you’ve ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score. . . . you’re a member of the "Chaw of the Month Club." . . . your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve. . . . you’ve ever been hunting on a tractor. . . . your yard has more than ten ceramic figurines. . . . you think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles. . . . you must go through more than 2 gates to get to your home. . . . you’ve never seen a film with subtitles. . . . you own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants. . . . you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge. . . . you’ve ever talked back to characters on the movie screen. . . . you won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. . . . your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties. . . . your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs. . . . three-fourths of all the clothes you own have logos on them. . . . when you leave your house, you are followed by
federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the
only thing you worry about is how to lose them. . . . your gene pool doesn’t have a "deep end." . . . you can’t marry your sweetheart because there is a law against it. . . . you’ve ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. . . . getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. . . . you dated your daddy’s current wife in high school. . . . you’ve ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape. . . . your coat of arms features a tire iron. . . . you own a denim leisure suit. . . . you use Armor-All on your leather jacket. . . . your spare tire is a cement block. . . . the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day. . . . your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors. . . . your tires are worth more than your truck. . . . you tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes. . . . your daddy’s legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower’s autograph on a Stuckey’s napkin. . . . you bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register. . . . you think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups. . . . you take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell. . . . you and six of your neighbors split a cable bill. . . . Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people. . . . you prefer car keys to Q-tips. . . . you have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability. . . . people don’t recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood. . . . your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline. . . . you participate in a "Who can spit tobacco the farthest?" contest. . . . you know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap. . . . you’re not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you do like to look at the pictures. . . . you’ve ever had to appear in court because of your dogs. . . . the front license plate of your car has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush. . . . your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting. . . . any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp. . . . all of your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes. . . . you have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on. . . . you have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon. . . . you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off. . . . you refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed." . . . you’ve ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard. . . . your boots cost more than your wedding ring. . . . you’ve ever vacationed in a rest area. . . . you always thought "Guns and Roses" was something you get for your anniversary. . . . you proposed in a Denny’s. . . . the passengers enter your vehicle through the driver’s-side door. . . . you had to hitchhike on your honeymoon. . . . you think "Chablis" is the name of last month’s Playboy centerfold. . . . you save cooking grease in a coffee can. . . . you inherited a Styrofoam cooler. . . . there’s no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents. . . . your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet. . . . you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. . . . you’ve ever had to move a car seat to make love. . . . you’re familiar with Copenhagen but have never heard of Denmark. . . . your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it. . . . you think a stock tip is advice on wormin’ your hogs. . . . you don’t have a home phone. . . . you think "Ross Perot" is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early. . . . you think "trash TV" is something in your backyard. . . . stealing road signs is a family outing. . . . you think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. . . . you’ve ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can’t find you. . . . you have an above ground pool and you fish in it. . . . your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches. . . . an expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall. . . . you thing "megabytes" means a good day fishing. . . . you’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store. . . . your deer stand has an address. . . . you have more things with Hank Williams Jr.’s name on them than your own. . . . you think a lavatory is a breed of dog. . . . you’ve ever taken a date flowers you’ve stole from a cemetery. . . . you’ve ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle. . . . you use old auto parts as a boat anchor. . . . your pickup truck and wife are the same age. . . . your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off. . . . you’ve ever given livestock as a wedding present. . . . people hear your car a long time before they see it. . . . your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family. . . . your bridal veil was made of window screen. . . . you call your boss "dude." . . . you repaint your pink flamingo every spring . . . but not your house. . . . you have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag. . . . you think an oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis. . . . you whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress. . . . your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler. . . . you think ribs come from Europe. . . . your toothbrush is a hand-me-down. . . . the nearest liquor store is brewing in your basement. . . . your Friday nights consist of lots of Budwieser and a mechanical bull. . . . you have used a potato peeler to remove a corn. . . . the Marlboro man is your idol. . . . you see a sign that says "dip in road" and you stop to see what flavor it is. . . . you think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it. . . . you’ve ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour. . . . you’ve ever fished from over a fence. . . . you have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in. . . . your state senator is willingly photographed
with no shirt and a leather vest on a Harley, but refuses to take a
Breathalyzer test. . . . you think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep. . . . you keep catfish in your aquarium. . . . you think truffles are a brand of potato chips. . . . you’ve ever bought a used cap. . . . you know all the verses to the "Hee Haw" song. . . . your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it. . . . your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew. . . . any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern. . . . you think people who have electricity are uppity. . . . you know how to milk a goat. . . . you’ve ever committed a crime with a lawn mower. . . . your two best friends are named Skeeter and Possum. . . . you’ve ever hollered, "You kids quit playin’ on that sheet metal." . . . your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night. . . . your idea of summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard. . . . you’ve ever named a child for a good dog. . . . there are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline. . . . your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week." . . . you don’t need a clean shirt to go to work. . . . you bum a dip from your mother. . . . you have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer. . . . your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo. . . . you think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show. . . . you’ve ever attended a dance at the bus station. . . . your guest bedroom is also your tool shed. . . . you spend three days in line for Reba tickets. . . . you can’t keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken. . . . you think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product. . . . you drive more than thirty miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes. . . . you spend most of your time in the laundromat so you can watch TV. . . . grass is growing in the floor boards of your car. . . . the highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box. . . . the auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts. . . . you own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it. . . . your third-grade class has a no-smoking section. . . . your wife left you for last year’s winner of the hog-calling contest. . . . your flashlight holds more than four batteries. . . . it took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class three times to pass his driving test. . . . you cut your wedding cake with a chain saw. . . . you cut your toenails in front of company. . . . a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her. . . . your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. . . . you ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6. . . . you hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide. . . . you use a bedsheet as a sofa cover. . . . you use the shaving cream made for tough beards . . . and so does your husband. . . . you regularly see kinfolks on "America’s Most Wanted." . . . you refuse to slide in softball because you don’t want to crush your cigarettes. . . . the emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name. . . . your car has more than two exhaust pipes. . . . people come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business. . . . your house plants aren’t in pots. . . . you think the stock market has a fence around it. . . . you wear a tank top to your mother’s funeral. . . . your front yard looks like a Toys R Us after a tornado. . . . you think a chain saw is a musical instrument. . . . everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror. . . . you’ve ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall. . . . making beer is a neighborhood project. . . . you clean your fingernails with a stick. . . . you’ve ever gotten in fist fight in a laundromat over a dryer. . . . there is a restraining order on your pets. . . . you secretly get your firewood from your neighbor’s yard. . . . you wipe your feet before you walk out of your house. . . . your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor. . . . your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. . . . you take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants. . . . your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it. . . . your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car. . . . in preparation for your upcoming wedding, your register your Tupperware pattern. . . . you are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone. . . . you consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job. . . . one of your fantasies involves a bulldozer. . . . your wife’s best shoes have steel toes. . . . your picture is on the wall of more than three bait stores. . . . your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck. . . . you buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives. . . . you’ve ever used a laundromat as a mailing address. . . . you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. . . . your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels. . . . you’ve ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle. . . . your screen door has no screen. . . . there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets. . . . the receptionist is responsible for checking the rat traps at your place of business. . . . your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company. . . . your church has a "happy hour." . . . you’ve ever shot someone over a mall parking space. . . . there is trophy in your house with the word "spitting" on it. . . . you open beer bottles with your belt buckle. . . . you’ve ever filled your deer tag on a golf course. . . . you tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see. . . . you use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight in your new rifle. . . . you punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco. . . . you think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap. . . . you wear your softball uniform even on the days you’re not playing. . . . your pickup truck used to be a car. . . . your favorite fishing lure is TNT. . . . your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars. . . . you stockpile pork and beans. . . . your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born. . . . you use baling wire to keep your car door closed. . . . your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween. . . . you’ve ever lost your wife in a poker game. . . . your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies. . . . you send your kid in for treatment because you think he’s hooked on phonics. . . . the air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than 5 years ago. . . . there are more than 5 animals sleeping in your bed. . . . your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball cap. . . . you had a receding hairline in the 6th grade. . . . you think "social consciousness" means how well you can hold your liquor. . . . you spit on your own floor. . . . your bring a bar of soap to a public pool. . . . you keep a pellet gun by the front door. . . . you’ve ever participated in a burp-off. . . . you’ve ever heckled during a eulogy. . . . your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat. . . . your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back. . . . you taught your children how to play "Pull My Finger." . . . you own half a pickup truck. . . . the church social committee is afraid to meet at your house. . . . you own a trophy that includes the words "cow chip toss" on it. . . . you’ve ever made love on a tire swing. . . . the first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, "Where’s the nearest liquor store?" . . . you show strangers your war wound. . . . your mailing address includes the word "holler." . . . the Salvation Army comes to your house and takes the wrong furniture. . . . there are antlers nailed to the outside of your house. . . . you fill up the bathtub just to test out a fishing lure. . . . your Thanksgiving centerpiece has ever been prepared by a taxidermist. . . . you own every Box Car Willie album. . . . you refer to your dog as your youngest. . . . you select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo. . . . you’re over 30 and still giving other people "wedgies." . . . you have three first names. . . . turning on your lights involves pulling a string. . . . you’ve ever water-skied in your underwear. . . . you throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it. . . . your garbage man is confused about what stays and what goes. . . . the hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house. . . . you think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats. . . . for your first anniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-mart snack bar. . . . you’ve ever slow danced at a Waffle House. . . . you videotape fishing shows. . . . there is more carpet on your toilet than on your floors. . . . your wedding toast was made with a quart of Old Milwaukee. . . . you hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your Christmas tree. . . . your chili’s secret ingredient comes from a bait shop. . . . someone asks, "Where’s your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She’s at home with the kids." . . . your masseuse uses lard. . . . your family’s #1 enemy is revenuers. . . . your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it. . . . when describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick." . . . your favorite cap says, "Babymaker." . . . you’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop. . . . you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. . . . you get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present. . . . you are allowed to bring your dog to work. . . . chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns. . . . the flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls. . . . your wife has been involved in more than six barroom brawls in the last two weeks. . . . your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure. . . . you fish coins out of public fountains. . . . your Grandma keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. . . . your neighbor has a refridgerator on his front
porch stocked with beer so he won't have to get off the sofa to welcome
friends. . . . you put a 5 dollar bill in a pop machine. . . . you steal money from the Salvation Army buckets. . . . you have ever been evicted from a place you own. . . . you live in El Reno, Oklahoma. . . . you stare at a can of orange juice, because it says "concentrate." . . . you take your wife to your mistress's wedding. . . . you use channel locks for a nose hair trimmer. . . . it took you twenty years to figure out how to add single digit numbers. . . . you spit in the skillet to check the temperature. . . . your father is in the same grade you are. . . . the best 5 years of your life were in the second grade. . . . your richest relative invites you over to take the wheels off his new trailer. . . . you're on your third marriage and still have the same in-laws. . . . your 14 year old daughter smokes at the dinner table - in front of her two kids. . . . on the 4th of July you spend it at the waffle house beside a drunk while waiting to get your pastor out of jail . . . . a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck. . . . you win the lottery and buy a double wide trailor. . . . your wife is so ugly you take her everywhere you go so you never have to kiss her good-bye. . . . you have to use a ladder to get in your truck. . . . you ever fly a kite with a fishing pole. . . . you wear flannel shirts no matter what season it is. . . . you have more than 5 fast food bags in your car. . . . Rocky Top is your favorite song. . . . your divorce granted from first wife and your license to wed to your second wife are in the same newspaper. . . . your girlfriend thinks you're a real gentleman because you only scratch your crotch while playing softball. . . . you stop picking your nose in traffic long enough to wink at the girl next to you. . . . you found your wife's christmas present along side the road. . . . you think the Roman Empire has somthing to do with a cell phone. . . . your mother kicked you out of the house because you pawned her favorite chainsaw to buy a deer tag. . . . you have to keep a step ladder handy to open your truck door for your girlfrend. . . . you ever been rushed to the emergency room because you swallowed your redman. . . . your daughter gets married before you do. . . . when finally mowing your lawn, you find an engine block you didn't know was there. . . . you have the bail bondsman on speed dial. . . . you think the "Nutcracker" is something you do on the diving board. . . . your excuse for missing your oldest sons grauation is, "Hell woman, you think the crappie bite like this all year?" . . . you hear somone mention the depression and you think they are talking about when Bubba's Market ran out of Skoal. . . . you just hate getting strip searched by the guard every time you go visit your cousin Bubba. . . . you've ever asked an Amish guy on a horse and buggy if he thought he could out run your John Deer. . . . you've ever asked a priest why he's wearing that sissy turtleneck. . . . your favorite event at a wedding is the spittin' contest. . . . your momma makes two turkeys for Thanksgiving, one for the family and the other for the dogs. . . . you have to camofladge your best crops when a helicopter flies over. . . . your mother always said keep your nose clean and from this day on you pick your nose. . . . you cook perogies in beer. . . . you and your best friend paint flames on your car and it looks better. . . . you've ever returned bottles so you could buy beer with the deposit money. . . . your ashtray is too full, so you use the floor. . . . you use a gas can to fill up your pick up truck. . . . you use dental floss to restring your banjo. . . . you have a trophy from a tractor pull. . . . your favorite song has the name of a truck company in it. . . . you have to climb the town's water tower to save your sister's honor. . . . you and your dad walk to school together because you are in the same grade. . . . your dad plays "the pull my finger" joke at family gatherings. . . . you have more deer heads on your wall than family portraits. . . . you go to a bar to cheer on your mother in mud wrestling. . . . your pillow case doubles as your bowling bag. . . . you keep your fingernails long to open you snuff can. . . . you think the internet is something you use fishing. . . . you have more insurance on your hunting dog than you do on your house. . . . when someone asks to see your kids you show them the goats. . . . you have to take out a loan to pay off the tire store. . . . you ever shot a deer with a tater gun. . . . you have ever worn camo to a funeral. . . . your idea of home security is keeping all the guns loaded. . . . you have ever been too drunk to fish. . . . you're at a family reunion and you wear a shirt that says, "I'm related to you!!!" . . . your belt buckle doubles as an I.D. . . . you bum a smoke from your third grade kid. . . . you know which leaf is best to use when you're out of toilet paper. . . . when you brought your baby home, it slept in a dresser drawer. . . . your halloween jack-o-lantern has more teeth than your wife. . . . you are the youngest in the family and the first to graduate. . . . your neighbors refer to you as the pig farmers and you don't have any pigs. . . . you play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and get four teeth kicked out. . . . you think think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped. . . . you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags." . . . you've had a custody fight over a hunting dog. . . . you burn your lawn instead of mowing it. . . . you bring a video camera to a funeral. . . . you have ever mowed the grass and found a car. . . . you have more than 3 family members by the name of Billy Bob. . . . you swallow a minnow just to impress the lady cashier at the local bait shop. . . . you flick rubber bands at cock roaches. . . . you wait all night to shoot one mouse with your grandma's BB gun. . . . you take your car to the repair shop to have the donut tires rotated. . . . you make change in the offering plate. . . . you can recite your vowels in one burp. . . . you practice your cow chip throwing techniques while they're still fresh. . . . you take a bag to an All-You-Can-Eat bar. . . . you use your native language, to cuss at your kids, to cover up the fact that you are a redneck in your native country. . . . your favorite stick is your fishing pole. . . . your favorite shoes were bought at a yard sale . . . your bathroom is your favorite make-out place. . . . none of these jokes are making sense to you. . . . you use your weed whacker as a toothpick. . . . your wreath is made out of beer cans. . . . you use duct tape as bikini wax. . . . you learned the alphabet by eating Cambpell's alapahbet soup. . . . your engine is duct-taped to your car. . . . your outhouse is in your front yard. . . . you wear your Mom's dress that she wore at her funeral. . . . you clean your toilet with the tooth brush that you use every day. . . . you have sheep in your backyard because they never, ever tell. . . . your favorite song is --------Old McDonald!!!!! . . . your toilet seat says "Sit Here". . . . when you were younger you sold fresh, cold pee as ice-cold lemonade. . . . PMS stands for "Parent Medical System." . . . you bathe your cat in the toilet. . . . you use your shower curtain as your Prom dress. . . . you use your shoe as a tobacco can. . . . you use your water gun as a shower sprayer. . . . you use your boxers as a surrender flag. . . . your trasportaion is your boat. . . . your favorite place is your deerstand. . . . you think dingle berries are a fruit. . . . you strung Christmas lights on an old truck parked in your yard. . . . you give your best bud a carton of cigarrettes as a wedding gift. . . . the tailgate on your truck is also your lawn furniture. . . . your at a family reuniuon, your mother-in-law
goes to the bathroom and then says, "Y'all come look at this 'fore I
flush it." . . . you had to call the police department to get your flare gun back . . . you use the CD-ROM drive on your computer to hold your beer. . . . you own more than 5 trucks that you need ladders to get into. . . . you have a piece of cardboard that says "No Trespassing" beside your front door. . . . your wife's idea of a sanitary napkin is one of your dirty work socks left beside the toilet. . . . you always start a story with "Y'all aint gonna believe this!" . . . you think that "Winnie-the-Pooh" is something your Granny just left on the rug. . . . you have three kids named: Peggy Sue, Peggy Jean, & Billy Bob. . . . your truck has a variety or different make of parts (ex. Chevy radiator, Dodge starter, Ford body). . . . you eat your daily road-kill out of the same dirty bowl every night. . . . you bring home from school a certificate as "The Best Reader in the Fourth Grade" for three years in a row. . . . your pick-up has four new tires and none of them are the same size. . . . you go to the bank for a loan and the loan
officer asks to see the stock you have listed as collateral, so you
bring in the three hogs you bought last month at the auction. . . . your life savings is buried in your back yard. . . . you walk the ends off your jeans instead of hemming them. . . . you thought the Y2K Bug was a new species of insect. . . . you thought the Sega Dreamcast was a new fishing rod. . . . you buy your china as a grocery store special every week. . . . your neighbor uses left-over house paint to paint his car. . . . you use mason jars to make lamps. . . . your grandma gives you a wedding present wrapped in christmas paper. . . . you can see all your family members when you're in your own bed. . . . your dad guts one of the old TV's for a another knick-knack shelf. . . . you think beef stroganoff is when the bull is playing with himself. . . . the other 13 trailers out back of yours belong to your children and their families. . . . all you want for Christmas is deer pee. . . . your 2-year old has more teeth than you do. . . . your dog can smoke a cigarette. . . . you think "Old Yeller" refers to your brother's tooth. . . . you have a house that's mobile and 16 cars that aren't. . . . you have more than 4 vehicles up on blocks in your yard. . . . you spray-painted your dog hunters orange to, "make him look more decent like." . . . you've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like. . . . your best laundry bag is made by Hefty. . . . you're going up the highway and hear a kid ask his mom if he can get out and push their car too! . . . you've ever worn a tie with a flannel shirt. . . . someone accuses you of lying through your tooth. . . . you were allowed to drink beer and date the teacher all through high school. . . . you painted your truck camouflage and now you can't find it. . . . you've ever sold your car for gas money. . . . you've ever picked up your girlfriend in a John Deere. . . . your wife wears tight leather and it makes her look like a re-tread. . . . your brother is your wife's favorite son. . . . your lawn mower gets better millage than your car. . . . you run a garden hose from outside, through a window to fill your indoor hot tub. . . . your local funeral home has a drive-thru. . . . when you buy your new bride a burned down trailer and tell her you're gonna "fix it up a little" (true story). . . . you heard that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so you moved. . . . you refer to deer hunting as a religion. . . . you wore camoflauge to your wedding. . . . truck drivers tell your wife to watch her language. . . . you wear a tube top to a wedding. . . . you think good china is China without any Chinese people. . . . you use your computer as a stereo. . . . someone can circumcise you by kicking your little sister in the jaw. . . . the most common prase in your house is "someone go jiggle the handle." . . . you purposely feed the cockroaches. . . . you shop lift from a yard sale. . . . your uncle's 14 year old kid is out in the front lawn and sayin "Ai Pane Ai Pane." . . . you itch your butt in front of your wife. . . . are missing a lot of teeth. . . . you have beer cans all over your yard. . . . you don't take a shower for a long time. . . . you use the word ain't a lot. . . . you miss your 5th grade graduation because your are called for jury duty. . . . your sister is also your aunt. . . . your toilet is a 5 gallon bucket. . . . you have 500 men working under you and you cut grass at the cemetery. . . . you can spit tobbaco juice through the holes in your truck's floorboard. . . . your sister has ever asked to borrow the backhoe. . . . somebody says, "HO DOWN" and your wife falls to the ground!! . . . you pave your parking spot just because your neighbor calls you a red neck. . . . the first thing you do in the morning is check your critter trap, and you're dissapointed when it is empty. . . . you scratch your butt at night and smell your hand in the morning. . . . you've ever had to put on a pair of boots to go to the bathroom . . . your deer stand has an address. . . . you and your dog have the same toilet. . . . there is anyone named Cletus in your family. . . . you've ever attended a Gun and Knife show as a dealer. . . . you have a motor swinging from a tree in your
yard,a dog tied to the fence post,and someone sitting in a rocking
chair that's over 75 and has a Remingtom 12 gauge ,a spit cup, and
Copenhagen in the back pocket. . . . you have a peeing contest with your wife and she wins. . . . you have a tattoo that says "I Love My Mommy" and mommy is spelled wrong. . . . you shop-lift from Goodwill. . . . your family gathers for Monday Night RAW. ( . . . you know what a jockey lot is and you go more than once a week. . . . you've ever used a toaster to light your cigarette. . . . you're on a date and you see a childhood friend
and you tell your date "she is like my sister" and that makes her
worried. . . . you refuse to shave or bathe until you've bagged your first deer of the season. . . . your first name consists of initials. . . . you nick-name children "possum" and "critter." . . . you wear camouflage pants with a plaid flannel shirt and combat boots. . . . you call your wife "ma" and want her to call you "pa." . . . you own a badly made, ugly gun cabinet that you made in wood shop. . . . the only songs you know on guitar are Lynard Skynard songs. . . . Hank Williams, Jr. is your hero. . . . you use the word "man" at least four times in each sentence you speak. . . . you carry a gun to the store "just in case the car breaks down and a stranger approaches to help." . . . you spray crawling bugs with hair spray and light them on fire with a lighter. . . . directions to your house include "turn off the paved road" . . . you exclaim "Whoo, Doggy , tell ya what!!" when you see your coon hound have pups on your living room floor. . . . you have ever used spit tobacco as a fish attractant. . . . you call toilet paper a leaf and a toilet a bucket. . . . you have used a rag as a gas cap. . . . your 5 year old calls your mother MOM and YOU Debbie. . . . your own farts don't seem to smell so bad. . . . you know exactly how long it takes for pizza to get fuzzy in the fridge. . . . you have an aunt-mom and uncle dad. . . . you think that "HANK" of "Huntin with Hank" is a real fine actor (BTW Hank is the dog). . . . you had your own parking space in Jr High. . . . you have a "church" cap. . . . you pull the legs off of flys then toss them into the air to see how long it takes them to "crash land". . . . your idea of the newspaper is a 14 year old copy of Dog Fancy. . . . your mom is your sister, aunt and your dads mother. . . . your house has more miles on it than your car does. . . . your old toilet now serves as a flower pot in your front yard. . . . you made your fishin pole outta popcicle sticks. . . . you have to fill your toilet up with lake water to use the bathroom . . . you ask whats for dinner and your wife props her legs on the table and says "crabs". . . . your computer don't work cuz the cat ate the mouse. . . . your bathroom is 50 feet away from your house. . . . your husband is going out huntin and puts on urin and it turns you on. . . . you think a date is going out mooning people. . . . you took your sister/brother to the prom. . . . you think dressing up is putting on all your camo. . . . you keep all your guns in a fire-proof locked safe and everything else out in the open. . . . you have a bumper sticker that says, "Kiss the crack below my back." . . . your idea of camping in the woods is inviting the family over and pitching a couple of tents in the back yard. . . . you have to watch for cow patties when you play golf. . . . your lawn tractor has a better paint job than your car. . . . your lawn mower is a goat. . . . you can eat an ear of corn and spell "Home Sweet Home" on it. . . . you base the purchase of a refridgerator on how many cases of beer it holds. . . . your children look more like your brothers-in-law than your husband you are worried that he might notice. . . . you make your dogs sleep on top of the house in the rain because you can't afford to patch the roof. . . . you go to a drive through the person at the window asks you to shut off your engine because it's too loud. . . . you go to a drive through you have to open your door because your window hasn't rolled down in 5 years. . . . you get turned on when your wife/girlfriend shoots an armidillo. . . . your daughter thinks she a reincarnation of Xena because she has nightmares about her. . . . you tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Ares, the god of war. . . . you buy your wife camouflage lingerie. . . . you borrow a sleeveless T-shirt from your Mom. . . . your living room furniture doubles as your camping gear. . . . you have to steal your neighbor's paper to see what the date is or you are out of toilet paper. . . . you can grunt like a deer and you are proud of it. . . . you tell your wife to squeal like a pig to start foreplay. . . . when you think of the planet Saturn you think of your mother-in-law at the same time. . . . your way of seeing if you need to bathe is by sticking your hand between your butt cheeks and smelling it. . . . you rake your carpet because the sweeper motor is being used for your truck. . . . you have a working television on top of a broken one. . . . the gazebo in your yard is bigger than your trailer. . . . you have a pallet in your yard with tires stacked on it. . . . your garage is so full you can't park your car in it. . . . you spent more money on a souvenier Clint Black shirt, than on your whole wardrobe. . . . you have two pairs of jeans, and six pairs of boots. . . . your front yard has any broken appliances in it. . . . you have gotten a warning to remove vehicles from your own back yard. . . . you ever say "oh yeah I can fix it". . . . your favorite night of the week is the night before trash day. . . . your truck has any bondo on it. . . . your car has more than three bumper stickers with the word jesus on them. . . . there is bungee cord holding your bumper on to your car. . . . no matter how you clean your hands, the dirt under your nails won't come off. . . . you think that duct tape works better than spot welding. . . . you go to strip joints for family reunions. . . . you re-use dental floss to save money. . . . you can't work on Thursday night or you'll miss smack-down. . . . you won't get your dog "fixed" because you never no when someone might want him to stud. . . . Friday night is "sneak into the drive-in night". . . . you have an air-conditioner on your front porch. . . . you slam your truck's door and your 12 gauge makes a new sun roof. . . . you have stuffed heads from the following:
deer, a moose, a mallard, a Siamese cat, a largemouth bass, and your
mother-in-law. . . . that white tailed deer is being paid 10 bucks an hour to stand on a ladder behind your wall and stick his head in. . . . your dad pees on a rabbit's head while peeing off the back porch. . . . your dogs kill more animals than you do all hunting season. . . . you and your son compete for the only single gal in town with all her teeth. . . . you watch Jerry Springer to see if any of your relatives are on the show today. . . . your table cloth is a bed sheet. . . . your whole wardrobe is work boots, camoflage pants, a plaid flannel shirt, and a John Deere hat. . . . the landscaping in your front yard is broken down cars. . . . you drive your tractor along the high way. . . . your family reuinions consist of ex-wives. . . . you need a truck to move your barbecue. . . . your toenails stick out the end of your tennis shoes. . . . you let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. . . . you have 10 cars in your front yard and only one of them isn't on blocks and the engine works. . . . you take a six-pack cooler to church. . . . you bum a pinch of chew from your girlfriend. . . . you have a sign hanging in your living room that says "We interrupt this marriage to bring you deer season" . . . you look both ways before crossing a one way street. . . . you drive through your car port to park your blue Pinto in the backyard. . . . your birthday cake consisted of nothing but Twinkies. . . . you shave your beard and find a french fry. . . . you have ever asked your dad for the keys to his Mack. . . . you can entertain yourself for more then an hour with a fly swatter. . . . your truck is stolen and sold by your mother to buy beer and Copenhagen. . . . your CB antenna on your truck doubles as your cane pole. . . . you tip the waiter with change. . . . your honeymoon was featured on true stories of the highway patrol. . . . you think 401k is your mother-in-law's bra size. . . . instead of buying your girlfriend candy and flowers, you spray paint her name on an overpass. . . . you think 2 Pac Shakur is a Jewish holiday. . . . your local yellow pages has only 3 sections: places to get cigarettes, place to get liquor, and places to get bait. . . . the library in your city ran out of the book "The ABC's of Belching". . . . the seats in your car are also your living room furniture. . . . you had to buy an 18-Wheeler for family vacations. . . . you have a Rebel flag in your front yard! . . . you have your t.v on top of empty beer cans and call it recycling. . . . your dishwasher consists of kids that you baby-sit. . . . you think that the apple com-pu-ter is the latest in new fangled tech-o-nol-o-gee. . . . the newspaper (the business) is the community toilet paper . . . the town policeman stops by so much, you know his 5th grade GPA. . . . your airplane cost you less than 15 hundred bucks and uses two stroke oil. . . . you say "I tell you wut!" more than 3 times a day. . . . your daddy's last words were "Hey ya'll look what I can do!" . . . your lawn furniture was in your house last summer. . . . your car uses more oil than gas. . . . you have ever used a turkey baster bulb to get something out of your ear. . . . your dog wants you to be the girl tonght. . . . you use the car that is broken down in the driveway as a tool shed. . . . fine dining is the Waffle House. . . . you've ever been in a fist fight with your best friend because he said his John Deere will out pull your Farmall. . . . your dog has a litter of puppies on your living room floor and no one notices. . . . you fall in love with a girl and write "I Love You" using duck tape. . . . you think "harass" are two words. . . . your race car looks and runs better than your own car. . . . you get drunk while mowing the grass. . . . you have a beer cooler on your riding lawn mower. . . . you have ever opened a beer bottle with your truck door. . . . hot dogs and pork-n-beans are your favorite Sunday night dinner. . . . your hair is five times as long in the back as it is on top. . . . you put mud grips on your new Cadillac. . . . your Mama yells, "Close the screen door boy, you're letting all the bugs out!" . . . you have no idea who the President is but you can name five NASCAR drivers in a single belch. . . . you actually know what "puked a motor" means. . . . you've ever been in a fist fight involving the phrase "Dale Earnhardt is the Intimidator". . . . you think 7-11 is a grocery store. . . . your kids fall down in the house and get grass stains. . . . you have to slide out of the passenger side of your truck because the driver's side door is jammed. . . . if the dashboard of your work vehicle is covered with empty cigarette cartons and Mountain Dew bottles . . . your Daddy picks you up from school in a Swamp Buggy. . . . you refer to Walmart as going to the mall. . . . your sister/brother is also your cousin. . . . your wife wears a dress on Sunday and one of you're flannel shirts over it. . . . you go into an auto parts store
and tell them you need a part for your Chevy and when they ask you make
and model you answer, "They're all the same." . . . you go coon hunting with a spot light instead of a dog. . . . you hunt deer from a moving vehicle. . . . your wife's deer head hanging on the wall is bigger than yours. . . . you take your wife fishing and she out fishes you and all your buddies. . . . your wife can out drink you or any of your friends and is willing to prove it. . . . your wife can belch louder than you can. . . . you consider yourself the blacksheep of the family because you are the only one not living in a trailer house. . . . your mama spends more money fixing up her old trailer house than it cost to build a new brick home. . . . your mama has more gadgets and accessories on her pickup truck than you do. . . . you got more antenas on your truck than the local TV station. ( . . . you call a chicken a yard bird. . . . you get a ticket cause you got a confederate flag as a front license plate. . . . the police are lookin for you in a brown truck so you wiped off the mud a bit so they wouldn't recognize you. . . . your wardrobe consists of nothing but cammo and flannel . . . you see your grandmother naked and it turns you on. . . . you have a transmission in your bathtub. . . . you're homeschooled and you date someone in your class. . . . your Mama was ever asked to leave a Bingo game because of her language. . . . you've ever put a tarp in the bed of your truck to use it as a swimming pool. . . . you finally mow your front lawn and you find the pickup truck that you thought was stolen. . . . you know exactly how many cans of spray paint it takes to paint a 1976 full size Chevy truck. . . . the bigest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. . . . you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say cool whip on the side. . . . you think a tv dinner consists of a RC Cola and a moonpie. . . . you join the army for the free uniform. . . . you wash your truck in a mud puddle. . . . you spend more time with you truck than your family. . . . your kids eat on the floor while your dogs eat at the table. . . . your 80 year old grandma can shoot better than you. . . . you have ever peed in the sink cuz your mom was hogging up the outhouse. . . . your beer can pyramid is taller than your trailer. . . . you have to mow the hoods of your cars. . . . you put a sign up that says "Billy Bob & Sally wedding --->" on a cardboard sign in spray paint nailed to a tree. . . . you have ever surrendered to the police in exchange for cigarettes. . . . you think "manual labor" is a Spanish ambassador. . . . you have ever had to gift-wrap a tire. . . . your dog's collar costs more than the clothes you are wearing. . . . your kid learns to shoot a gun before he learns his alphabet. . . . you divorced your 1st. cousin, married your 2nd. cousin and are cheating with your 3rd. cousin. . . . you found a toy boat in your toilet when you were taking a bath and started playing with it. . . . you dust furniture with underwear. . . . you sat on your roof with a loaded gun waiting for twelve midnight to roll around on Y2K. . . . your whole yard has chickens and cows in it. . . . you not only pass the beans at the supper table but your teeth so Billy Bob can chew them also. . . . you give Tic-Tacs out at Christmas instead of candy canes. . . . you have the same meal for a week straight. . . . you've got a tab at the ABC Liquor Store. . . . your father marries someone with the same last name as yours. . . . you've ever driven a tractor to a family reunion. . . . you buy something you already have. . . . you're trying to start a 16 hp motor and your shed catches on fire. . . . you think garabage pickin' is a hobbie. . . . your grandmother has to be taken out of bingo because of her language . . . your wedding cake was made by Sara Lee. . . . the figures on your wedding cake wore overalls. . . . you have to change gears in your
pickup by opening the hood and moving the gear arm, then jump back in
before the truck drives off without you. . . . your screen name is JohnDeere. . . . you think the unibomber was a wrestler. . . . you think the quarterhorse is the ride outside of Wal-Mart. . . . you've ever gotten a "lap" dance from your sister! . . . the fairground's main attraction is to see who can throw cow pie the farthest! . . . you take your dog on more vacations than your wife! . . . the bouqet at your wedding was stolen from a cemetary. . . . your only time spent sober is the time spent getting another 6 pack. . . . your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. . . . you decorate the lawn mower with red Christmas lights at Halloween. . . . you think Iraq is a high performance Camaro. . . . your pocket knife has ever been referred too as Exhibit A. . . . your Sunday vest is green and consists of three different fishin' lures. . . . you think that "loaden up the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk. . . . your pick-up is at least 3 colors. . . . all of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch. . . . you think coming from a broken home means your trailer has a flat. . . . both your house and car are on blocks. . . . you have a cow tied to the front bumper of your broken down Chevy truck as a pet. . . . you use coffee filters when you run out of toilet tissue. . . . you think W.W.J.D stands for, "What would Junior do?" . . . any of your children were concieved under a stop light. . . . you name your children after the cars they were concieved in. . . . your wife's bridal reception was at Wal-Mart. . . . you call fast food hitting a deer at 60mph. . . . you floss with barb wire. . . . your tire swing has a truck stilll attached to it. . . . on cold nights, your dog sleeps on the bed and your wife dosn't. . . . you are naked on laundry day. . . . the words Nascar, tire, dog or shotgun appeared in your wedding vows. . . . you pull one of your dogs loose teeth and keep it to have something to remember him by. . . . your idea of a family cook-out is the whole family gathering around the Chevy with the hood up. . . . your Computer has Winders 95 instead of Windows. . . . your moms maiden name is Bubba. . . . your sister has more hair on her legs than you do. . . . your dog can open a beer can for you. . . . your favorite fishing hole has more car parts in it than a junk yard. . . . you and your dad share the same mistress. . . . your wife shaves her beard more than you shave yours. . . . you thought Texas A&M is a root beer made in Texas. . . . you ever had a riffle in your back at a wedding. . . . you have a Confederate flag for bed sheets. . . . you name your dogs after your favorite "Playboy" centerfold. . . . you grandmother spits farther than you. . . . you think the WWF is a romantic sport. . . . your porn collection is also called the family videos. . . . you have at least five hunting dogs in your bed at night. . . . you put a corn cobb on a screwdriver and call it a back-scratcher . . . you have a gun rack on the back of your bicycle. . . . you get kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot. . . . you got your pickup truck from a lake. . . . you wore your Burger King hat to your Prom. . . . if you think hocking loogies onto oncoming vehicles should be an Olympic sport. . . . you get your 4-wheel drive stuck. . . . your mechanic looks under the front of your car or truck and asks if you work for the Roadkill Cafe. . . . you have a rebel flag displayed on your truck. . . . your son Bubba J.r. uses his school locker as a gun cabinet. . . . your Mama has failed the 3rd. grade five times. . . . you were born and raised in a pickup truck.
