1. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a melon into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

2. Fill up a large flask with Lucozade. Squirt it erratically under door!"

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of  your neighbour.  Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?

5. Say, "C 'mon Mr. Happy!! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

6. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall where the person in the next stall can see it.
 
7. Say, "Damn, this water's cold!"

8. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that colour before, ... "

9. Say, "Interesting ... more floaters than sinkers."

10. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit, my glass eye!!"

Stage 1 - SMART  This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING  This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH  This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF  You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE  This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

55 ways To Get Rid Of A Date

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. 3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 5. Repeat every third third word you say say. 6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook. 7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. 8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. 9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about. 10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 11. Order a bucket of lard. 12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths. 13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female. 14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. 15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves. 16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme. 17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. 18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do. 19. Drool. 20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. 21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you. > 22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?" 23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you. 24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates. 25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up. 26. Ask your date how much money they have with them. 27. Order for your date. Order something nasty. 28. Communicate in mime the entire evening. 29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous. 30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs. 31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone. 32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down. 33. Hold a debate. Take both sides. 34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn. 35. Auction your date off for silverware. 36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. 37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal. 38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments. 39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around. 40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. 41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense). 42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out. 43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite. 44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant. 45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her. 46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. 47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills. 48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it. 49. Accuse your date of espionage. 50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults. 51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. 52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill. 53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow. 54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along. 55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

65 things to do on an airplane

1. Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it 2. Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar 3. Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, anounce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places 4.Run down the aisle screaming,"He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!" 5. Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed 6. Fly into a rage whenever the word "Gallstone" is mentioned 7. "Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you. 8. Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldn't mind applying Preporation H to your hemrrhoids 9. Tap at the windows, saying "Looks pretty tough" then ask somone if they have a bat you could use to test. 10. Disco dance in the aisle 11. Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends 12. Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't" 13. Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!" 14. Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you 15. Try to lead plane in song "Oh I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner" 16. Lead a revolt against the first class passengers 17. Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers 18. Moon passing Delta planes 19. Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane 20. Start a hot dog stand 21. Steal businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it 22. Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes 23. During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone 24. When two people kiss in the film, belch real loud 25. When there's any nudity, say "Hey! He/she must be real cold!" 26. Tell the person next to you your life story, from DNA to that afternoon 27. With the person next to you, discuss cannabilism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands 28. Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put superglue in your undies that morning 29. Pick your nose and pat the person next to you 30. No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni 31. Show off your Batman underwear 32. Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only) 33. Switch accents and see if anyone notices 34. During the meal, loudly explain that on time you ate shark fin soup and proceeded to puke all over the airplane, spewing chunks of shark on the other passengers 35. Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm 36. Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn't come out, 'cause they aren't really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die 37. Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head 38. Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger 39. Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e" 40. Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do the call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world 41. Don't use deoderant, then "accidently" stick your armpit in someone's face 42. Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it 43. Listen to James Brown on your Walkman, sing along (especially the "Oooh Oooh" parts) 44. Snort when you laugh 45. Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same 46. Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices 47. Sing that irritaing song that starts like this "I lost my car on the rooooooaaddd an' I'm cryin' over yooooouuuu...." 48. Recite all you can of the last Ann Landers column 49. Hum the Monty Python theme song 50. Act like a movie star 51. Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason 52. Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!" 53. With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Nevermind. Do you have any towels?" 54. Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show 55. Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!" 56. Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra 57. Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question) 58. Start talking Korean 59. If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off 60. Pretend you're flying the plane 61. With a fellow passenger, Re-enact the disco scene in "Airplane!" 62. Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang 63. Take over the plane with a toy gun 64. Yell to someone "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?" (Note: Do this when there are stewardesses there) 65. To the person next to you, say "It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage

General Jokes

The Monkey Joke  Two monkeys getting in a bath The first one goes... ooh ooh aah aah ooh The second one goes... well put some bloody cold in then!   Fast Bike There was a young fellow who was quite inventive and was always trying out new things. One day he thought he'd see just how fast a bicycle could go before it became uncontrollable. He asked his friend, who owned an old Mustang, if he could tie his bike to the bumper of his car to test his theory. His friend said, "Sure." So the young man tied his bike to the back of the car and said to his friend: "I'll ring my bike bell once if I want you to go faster, twice if I want you maintain speed, and repeatedly if I want you to slow down." With that, off they went. Things were going pretty well, with the car driver slowly speeding up to well over 60 mph. The young fellow on the bike was handling the speed just fine. But, all of sudden, a black Corvette came up beside them and before you knew it the fellow driving the Mustang forgot all about the fellow on the bike and took to drag racing the Corvette. A little further down the road sat Officer John in his police cruiser, radar gun at the ready. He heard the two cars before his radar flashed 105 mph. He called into headquarters on his radio: "Hey, you guys aren't going to believe this, but there's a Corvette and a Mustang racing out here on Highway 3, and there's a guy on a bike ringing his bell and waving his arms trying to pass them!"    Quick Joke  Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox? A: About five drinks.    The Speech The CEO of a large company was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. A few days later when the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."   Mixed Messages A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll kick your bloody head in!"   Walk On Water Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing. "I'm thirsty," said the first. "I'm gonna go get myself a Coke." So he got out of the boat, walked across the water, and came back with his Coke. "Ooh, that looks good," said the second and got out of the boat. He walked across the water, got his Coke, and came back. "You're right," said the third. "I think I'll get one too." He steps out of the boat and sinks like a rock. "Hey," said the first clergyman to the second, "should we tell him where the rocks are?"   Rookie Police Officer  A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good", replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."

Song Parodies By Marph And LeeBoy

My Flab (parody of my band by D12) These crisps don't even know the weight of my flab But I am eating them because I am fat, I'm gonna go and buy some more in a pack All because they don't know the weight of my flab.   Come off stage right, ate the mic Walked up to these fridges and i was all like Whats up ladies my names fat shady im gonna eat u like i'm eatin a baby They're all like, "oh my god feed him, feed him quick befor he eats out of the bin" Would you like some cod or pehaps some rock Please dont u please dont u eat my...............................sock! So by now, the rest of the fellas eat jellies Especially when i flop the beat and start chewin my wellies, I eat pie, start yellin, ev-er-ee day With some meat and som vej and some apples on stage So like every single night i eat a block of cheese But when i bite it's kind of like eatin' factories I puke up next night and out comes the cheese, Dude I just think your tryin to weigh the flab on me The other day you gave me steak-and-kidney-pie for free cos' i told a quarter-pounder your my wife to be, Eatin' all this crap, it's the life for me, And all the other guys just despise me i eat peas.   Abuse it   (Parody of just lose it by eminem) [Intro] [Eminem making sounds] Ok.. Guess who's fat? fat again Shady's fat Tell a friend Whaaaaaaaa Now everyone report to the kitchen To the kitchen, to the kitchen Now everyone report to the kitchen Alright Stop!.....its dinner time! [Verse 1] Come here little kiddies, On my flab Guess who's back and even more fat? And I don't mean fat as in a new case of cheese baguettes i used to stuff my face! (HA-HA-HA-HA-HA) No worries, papa's got a brand new tube of soy What else could I possibly use for my joy coz i wud eat anything, but little boys That's not a stab at steak pie That's just a metaphor, when i am shy I get a little bit hungry sometimes I get a little bit out of control with my rice yeh i know i ate all the pies, i cant touch my toes i mite die and i take up half the dance floor, and i pee through my bum hole so i cant really let one go everyones gonna know who did it i shit a little "gases", the world gonna pay! [Fart Sound] Oops my hotdog slipped And everyone just heard me rip my pants [Chorus] Now I'm gonna make fat make you fat Yeah boy eat that crap Oops I mean girl girl girl girl Girl you know foods my world Alright abuse it(HA-HA-HA-HA-HA) abuse it (HA-HA-HA-HA-HA) go lazy (HA-HA-HA-HA-HA) Oh baby (HA-HA) Oh baby (HA-HA) [Verse 2] Baby it's pieday and it's my day Just to stuff face, all the way to sunday Maybe til monday, I dunno what day just till theres no more pies to eat Crusin' on the freeway Feelin' kinda creeky too much weight down, let my engine blow now I cant have no mcdonalds, and all I want to do is (eat a burger) Excuse me miss, I don't mean to sound like a blob But I'm feelin' abit hungry bk from my job Could i order 5 pizzas with exra cheese, ring onions 2 burgers and a bag of chips plz? (yeah) Now, extra large man that's my size [Dr Dre] "Man, how cum ur aint eatin ur pies" DRE! (HA-HA) Dear God Goes fat! I'm just tryna have a chat... [Chorus] Now I'm gonna make you fat make you fat Yeah boy eat that crap Oops I mean girl girl girl girl Girl you know foods my world Alright abuse it (HA-HA-HA-HA-HA) abuse it (HA-HA-HA-HA-HA) Go lazy (HA-HA-HA-HA-HA) Oh baby (HA-HA) Oh baby, (HA-HA) [Verse 3] Now it's Tuesday and I'm locked up I'm in jail and I don't know what happend They say I was eatin all the citys food Down the street screaming (yum-yum-yum-yum) Well I'm sorry, I don't remember All I know is this much I'm not guilty They said, "Save it, boy we gotcha you on tape yellin' at an old lady (eat a burger) Now this is the part where the thins break down It gets real fatning, no one makes a sound Everything looks like it's burger king now The beat comes back n everybody eats chocolate brown Snap back to reality Look it's fat shady Yo you signed me up to battle!? No i'm way too fat! Chubba chubba chubba chubba chubba chubbie I don't have any limes to go right here so, chubba teletubbie! Fella's (WHAT?!) Fella's (WHAT?!) Grab you left nut, make right one jealous (what?) Black food White food Skinny food Fat food Tall food Small food I'm callin' all food Everyone report to the kitchen It's your chance for a little food eatin nut squeezin' it's the season Just go (HA-HA-HA-HA) It's so appeasin' [Chorus] Now I'm gonna make you fat make you fat Yeah boy eat that crap Oops I mean girl girl girl girl Girl you know foods my world Alright abuse it (HA-HA-HA-HA-HA) abuse it (HA-HA-HA-HA-HA) Go lazy (HA-HA-HA-HA-HA) Oh baby (HA-HA) Oh baby, (HA-HA) [Outro] UmMmMmm eat a burger UmMmMmm eat a burger Ooh boy just eat a burger I mean girl just eat a burger

Taken from forum (da joke king)

Stuff That Annoys ME  People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead? When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for? When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you frigging pulled me over. When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer? When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one god damn piece of paper! When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole! People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy? and wen som gives you a hot plate and u burn ya self and shout "aaa FUCK" And then som1 turns around and say's "watch out it's hot" Well I no THAT NOW DICK FACE