Open in the Highlands of Scotland. The ugliest most decrepit little farm truck you have ever seen in you life trundles along a dirt road and stops at a fork. A familiar face gets out the driver’s side. It’s Ruari! In wellies and a bonnet no less! He opens the back of his truck, and amongst the sheep (his favourite animal) two disgruntled looking backpackers are seated. It’s ‘pure-bred-Scott’ Blair Dave-J Watson and Craig Xander ‘sanirishman’ Low (so sorry guys, but I tried to make your middle names look cool, don’t kill me!). They hop out and help close up the truck:
Blair: thanks for the ride Ruari.
Ruari: don’t mention it.
Craig: nice sheep.
Ruari: don’t mention them either.
Craig and Blair: *exchange glances*
Ruari: *nervously* eh, the inn’s that way, bye! *gets in the truck and burns rubber*
Craig and Blair: *exchange glances, shrug and head in direction of inn*
Craig: *sarcastic* well this is a fun trip.
Blair: oh come on Craig, just ‘cause we’re cold and a little lost and ran into Ruari and his sheep while hitchhiking here doesn’t mean that… yeah o.k. it sucks so far
Craig: well, at least it can’t get any wor-
They turn the corner and see the road to the inn twisting off into the distance and up a huge hill, then there’s a sudden clap of thunder and it starts to rain heavily:
Craig and Blair: *burst out crying*
It’s dark and has stopped raining as the boys descend the hill into a small village. By this point Craig has Blair’s arm around his shoulder to help him keep upright as they scrape their way along the cobble stones, panting for breath:
Blair: there’s *gasp* a pub *gasp* yeay! *gasp, collapse*
Craig: woo- *gasp* -hoo! *gasp, collapse*
Once they’ve regained consciousness:
Blair: wanna go in?
Craig: yeah ok.
*they walk in and silence falls as about twenty half-drunk highlanders glare menacingly*
Craig and Blair: *exchange glances, gulp, shuffle into a booth and sit down*
Ugly old barmaid: *grumbles* what’ll it be?
Craig: eh, any coffee?
Barmaid: no.
Blair: and hot chocolate?
Barmaid: no.
Craig: hot meals?
Barmaid: no.
Blair: soup?
Barmaid: we sell spirits and beers; if it’s something hot you want you can have tea.
Craig: any tea?
Barmaid: no.
Craig and Blair: *exchange glances*
Barmaid: *sighs* but I can make some.
Blair: oh yes please.
Barmaid: *turns and walks away*
Blair: *whispers to Craig* now, if only I liked tea.
Craig: *whispers to Blair* I blame you for this! *smiles nervously at grumpy glaring highlanders as they begin to talk amongst themselves again*
Blair: hey, at least it’s warm.
Craig: *grumbles*
Blair: *looking around* what the hell is THAT?
Craig: *sees a huge stuffed gopher head on the wall, at least five times larger than a normal gopher’s* Jesus! What the hell?
Blair: that is a, big, gopher.
Barmaid: *loud and accusingly* Oh aye, and what are you two starin’ at?
All: *silence*
Craig: uh… the, big, gopher?
All except Craig and Blair: *angry silence*
Highlanders: *starting to look vicious*
Craig and Blair: *very nervous*
Random Highlander: GET OUT
Craig and Blair: *dust clouds*
Later:
Craig and Blair: *walking up the road in darkness*
Craig: what the hell was all that about?
Blair: I don’t care, I just wanna get far away from that pub! The inn must be up here somewhere.
Craig: I can’t see where I’m going, I wish it wasn’t so cloudy; it’s a full moon, you’d think there’d be some light!
*starts to rain*
Blair: *pleading* oh please no don’t rain!
*rains heavier with thunder*
Blair: *bursts out crying*
*the clouds part briefly and moonlight floods the land*
Craig: *stops walking*
Blair: 0.o
Craig: …
Blair: Craig? What is it?
Craig: Where’s the road?
Blair: *looks around to see they’re walking in a field* DAMMIT! Ah! Look, we’ll just have to backtrack til we find it.
Craig: dammitdammitdammit! Oh, come on then.
Craig and Blair: *turn around and start walking back*
*strange noise in distance*
Craig and Blair: *stop dead*
Craig: did you hear that?
Blair: I might have heard it.
Craig: what was that?
Blair: it couldda been a lot of things.
Craig and Blair: *start walking again*
*louder strange noise*
Craig and Blair: *stop dead again and slowly look at each other, then slowly look straight ahead again*
Craig: all in favour of running back to the creepy pub say ‘‘sanirishman’
Blair: ‘SANIRISHMAN!
Craig and Blair: *run*
*even louder strange noise*
Craig: shit Blair, what the hell is that?!
Blair: I don’t know and I don’t wanna know, just keep running!
Craig: *runs past a pedestal with a can of irnbru on the top. Backtracks and looks at it* hmm *shrugs and drinks it in one go*
Blair: Craig! *runs up to him, grabs his arm and drags him away* we don’t have time for this! Let’s go!
Craig: *moans and groans* whoa, I feel funky.
Blair: well if you’ll insist on drinking cans of irnbru that appear in the middle of no-where, remember last time that happened?
Craig: ah, good times…*smiles as if he remembers, then thinks again* actually, no.
Blair: well you don’t wanna know, keep moving
*something straight in front of them in the shadows growls*
Craig and Blair: *skid to a halt*
Blair: ok, how ‘bout this way *makes a 90 degree turn in the road’s general direction and drags Craig with him*
*growling thing follows and gets in front of them again*
Blair: *terrified, stops*
Craig: *falls to his knees groaning* I don’t feel so good, man.
Blair: come on dude, get up *is attacked by a huge gopher* AHH! OH GOD! OW! CRAIG! LITTLE HELP!
Craig: *seeing double* Blair… I- I-… I can’t-… *falls over* can’t-… *passes out*
About a week later:
Craig: *wakes up, still seeing double, groans* Blair?
*a blurry nurse comes over*
Nurse: Craig? Can you hear me?
Craig: *recognising the voice* uh-huh
Nurse: you’re at Ninewells, you’re gonna be fine.
Craig: Ninewells! They couldn’t have sent me anywhere closer?! *sits up, vision clears, looks at nurse* Jayne?!
Jayne: I wanted to be a vet, go figure!
Craig: what happened to Blair?
Jayne: *looks grave* he uh, he died Craig.
Craig: *speechless*
Jayne: I’ll give you a minute *walks out*
Craig: *lies back on bed, coming to terms, grieving, yada yada yada*
Blair: Hi Craig
Craig: Hi Blair *double takes* BAH! *falls out of bed*
Blair: whoa, dude, calm down
Craig: *peers over the bed covers* Blair? Jayne said you were dead.
Blair: I am *evident by the gash wounds on his face and the blood on his clothes* not pretty huh? Now get back in bed and listen, I have to tell you something important.
Craig: *crawls into bed again*
Blair: I was killed by a weregopher, a lycangoph, and now you’re one too.
Craig: ME?!
Blair: yes. You drank the enchanted irnbru, the drink of the Gopher, and now I wander the earth, only seen by weregophers, until the one that killed me is dead. I need you to help me: Kill the gopher, and we’ll both be free. Don’t, and I’ll be a walking rotting corpse for all eternity, and come the next full moon, you’ll be a murderer.
Craig: a murderer?!
Blair: you’ll change, and you’ll kill, and you’ll feed.
Craig: no way. Look Blair, I’d like to help, but you’re obviously a figment of my imagination-
Blair: the hell I am! Bitch! I’m outta here! See you in a few weeks, killer *disappears*
Jayne: *comes back in* the doctor says you’ll be good to go in a week or so. Do you have anywhere to stay?
Craig: *shakes his head* mm-mm
Jayne: well, you can stay with me then. I’ve got a two-bedroom down the road. This is only part-time, my writing pays for the rest.
Craig: thanks.
A few weeks later:
Craig: *wakes up and groans, wondering why this is the second time he’s woken up with amnesia and a headache and not known where he was in the same month, and looks around. He appears to be in Jayne’s bedroom, and in Jayne’s bed; worrying him a little bit for a start. Whatsmore, he seems to be wearing Jayne’s pyjamas and a pair of rainbow suspenders, has a traffic cone in bed next to him, and what seems to be one of Ruari’s sheep is munching at a corner of the bed covers*
Sheep: Bah
Craig: huh?
Jayne: morning.
Craig: Ah!
Jayne: *enters the room and sits on the bed next to him* have a good time last night?
Craig: eh, Jayne? Just what exactly did I do last night? *dreading the answer*
Jayne: how the hell should I know, I was working late-shift. When I came home and discovered you asleep in my bed with a sheep and a traffic cone I decided to leave it and sleep on the sofa.
Craig: erm, was last night, a uh, full moon?
Jayne: no; the next one’s in a few days I think.
Craig: *sighs with relief* then what happened to me?
Jayne: the six empty litre-bottles of irnbru I found in the kitchen along with a dozen yorkie wrappers might have something to do with it.
Craig: *everything making sense* oh, so that’s what happened!
Jayne: yep, just another hyper night for you I guess. Call me first though the next time you do that, apart from maybe saving my house from being trashed, it looks like fun. *then looking a little worriedly at the sheep* Though from the looks of it, amnesia probably isn’t such a bad thing right now.
Craig and Jayne: *look uncertainly at the sheep*
Sheep: Bah
Later:
Craig: *watching TV*
Blair: Hi Craig
Craig: Hi Blair *double takes* AH!
Blair: WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT?!
Craig: Sorry! It’s just- whoa man, what happened to you?
Blair: *more decomposed than last time* yeah, I know. Not much to look at, am I?
Craig: I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming, wake up Craig.
Blair: *slaps Craig* pull yourself together
Craig: 0.o *rubs cheek* you hit me.
Blair: yeah, so you’re not dreaming or imagining me are you?
Craig: guess not, what’s up?
Blair: Last night, you went a bit nuts with the irnbru didn’t you? Normally I’d say what else is new, but that’s the gopher in you Craig. It’s coming out.
Craig: what can I do?
Blair: you need to find the weregopher and kill it.
Craig: right… and how do I do that?
Blair: … well, you eh, I’ll get back to you. *disappears*
Craig: Blair! BLAIR!
Blair: *reappears* yeah?
Craig: … so am I just supposed to sit here?! The full moon’s not far off!
Blair: well… yeah. I’ll get back to you, I promise, just as soon as I find out how to kill a weregopher, bye! *disappears*
It’s the first day of the full moon (‘cause unless you didn’t know, the moon’s actually full for three days at a time). Craig has been waiting for Blair to return, but he hasn’t:
Jayne: I’m going out now, sure you don’t wanna come?
Craig: Nah, I’ll laze around here tonight.
Jayne: O.K. then, *glares* do NOT trash the house… without me *leaves*
Craig: *starts raiding drawers for ropes or chains or anything to keep him in one place for the night. Rather worryingly finds a drawer full of ropes and chains in Jayne's bedroom* 0.o ?!?!?! *picks out a few pairs of handcuffs and chains and locks and keys, and manages to tie himself to the bed* ah, that should hold me… *after a few moments, he needs to pee* I can hold it… *then his nose itches* … *bursts out crying. He manages to free himself, scratch his nose and use the bathroom, then returns to the bedroom. But before he can chain himself up again, he starts to change, falling to the floor and yelling* OW! OH JESUS CHRIST! AHH! EEE! GRR! GRRRR! *has now transformed into a giant gopher. Knocks down the front door and vanishes into the night, squeaking and growling.*
The next day:
Craig: *wakes up and groans, wondering why this is now the third time he’s woken up with amnesia and a headache and not known where he was in the same month, and looks around* 0.o ?!?!?!?! *he’s in the zoo, as all good were-animals end up in the movies, naked and in the gopher exhibit. He looks at a nearby gopher, which squeaks and runs away* oh shite *looks around and sees the low wall surrounding the exhibit, and sees two people sitting on a bench nearby with their backs to him. A trench coat is slung over the back of the bench. He grabs it, leaps over the wall and runs away*
Later:
Craig: *arrives back at Jayne’s house and discovers the door is locked* oh shitey shite shite!
Jayne: Craig?
Craig: *turns and sees Jayne, also wearing nothing but a trench coat, and holding her house keys* 0.o …
Jayne: 0.o …
Craig: Jayne, I’m a weregopher.
Jayne: what a coincidence, I’m a wereferret.
Later still:
Craig and Jayne: *watching TV*
TV: ‘… and in a bizarre incident, an R. S. McColls was raided last night by someone in a six-foot gopher suit. No one was injured, however the shops entire supply of irnbru was drunk by the assailant. Empty cans and bottles were found in the shop and in the immediate vicinity…’
Blair: boy…
Craig and Jayne: *double take* Ahh! *fall off chairs*
Blair: *used to it by now* …there are just no words. I can safely say I didn’t expect this.
Craig: Jayne, you can see him?
Jayne: of course, I’m a wereferret.
Craig: … yes, ‘of course’…
Blair: oh, hey Manby
Manby: yo Blair, how’ve you been?
Blair: dead. you?
Manby: dead.
Blair: good good.
Craig and Jayne: GUYS!
Blair and Manby: sorry
Craig: what’s with the dead Manby? Wereferret victim?
Jayne: oh no, he just follows me around, I don’t know why.
Manby: all good were-thingies have ghosts following them around, I didn’t want you to be lonely
Jayne, Craig and Blair: … rrriightt…
Manby: honestly!
Blair: O.K. enough, Craig, I know how you kill the weregopher
Jayne: ooh, that sounds like fun can I help?
Manby: me too?
Blair: *sighs and rolls eyes* O.K. whatever, Craig, you need it to drink from a silver irnbru can, then it’ll die and we’ll be released.
Craig: where do I get a silver irnbru can?
Jayne: just talk to Gary, he’s president of the irnbru can making company
Craig: …well that was lucky
And even later:
Gary: so, Jayne, Craig, what can I do for you?
Craig: we need a silver irnbru can
Gary: 0.o *thinks* well, if you can come up with some silver
Craig: will these do? *holds up handcuffs and chains*
Jayne: hey! *blushes* I mean, where did you get those Craig?
Craig: 0.o *whispers* from your room, you know, the ones you use to tie yourself up on the full moon
Jayne: right. Myself, full moon, of course *blushes again*
Craig: 0.o ?!?!
Gary: EH-HEM
Craig: right. I had these appraised and they’re silver all right.
Gary: *examines chains and grins at Jayne who blushes yet again and looks away* yes, I think these will do. I’ll have to overlook a few health and safety laws, but anything for an old friend *grins at Jayne and winks, jingling the chains*
Jayne: I’ll be going now *exits office quickly*
Craig: *shrugs* see ya later Cocker *follows Jayne*
And later still:
Craig: *carrying the silver irnbru can* one question, when I change, what’s gonna stop me from drinking this and dying myself?
Blair: me *takes can and pockets it* there’s no way you’re dying and leaving me walking around forever
Jayne: Come on, we’d better get home and tie ourselves up; the sun’s setting
That night:
Jayne and Craig: *chained to opposite sides of the bed*
Craig: wait a second, if we both change, what’s gonna stop us from…?
Jayne: I don’t know, are gophers and ferrets even compatible?
Craig: I meant fight Jayne, what’s gonna stop us from fighting each other?
Jayne: oh, that’s what I meant too *blushes*
Blair: don’t worry *standing in doorway with Manby and a bowl of popcorn* we’re here to watch you two
Craig: what’s with the popcorn?
Manby: it’s not a show without popcorn
Craig: thanks
Craig and Jayne: *changing* OW! SONOFA-! AHH! (etc etc)
The next day:
Craig: *wakes up and groans, wondering why this is the- oh you know the drill! Anyway, he’s naked in Jayne’s bed, still chained to it, and there’s a lump under the covers beside him* Jayne? *pokes the lump. The lump moves and a head appears from under the covers*
Blair: hey Craig
Craig: Blair, why are you in bed with me?
Blair: catching some shut-eye. As you’ve no doubt noticed I need all the beauty sleep I can get *now skeletal in some places and turning a strange shade of green*
Jayne: *comes in and throws Craig’s clothes on the bed. Takes a key and unlocks his handcuffs and chains* get dressed, and I’ll meet you in the car.
Craig: where are we going?
Jayne: We’re gonna get you cured, and get that weregopher dead.
Later:
Manby: are we there yet?
Jayne: no
Manby: are we there yet?
Jayne: no
Manby: are we there yet?
Jayne: no
Manby: are we there yet?
Jayne: no
Manby: are we there yet?
Jayne: no
Manby: are we there yet?
Jayne: yes
Manby: really?
Jayne: no
Manby: are we there yet?
Jayne: wait… nnnnnnnnnnow we are
In the highlands:
Craig: wait a sec
Jayne: *stops car outside the pub*
Blair: what is it?
Craig: *grins mischievously* I have an idea
Craig and Blair: *get out the car*
In the pub:
Craig with the gopher head on: GRRR!
Highlanders: *scream like girls and run away*
Blair: AND STAY OUT!
Craig: *takes off the head and slips the barmaid a twenty*
On the road again:
Craig: I think it’s this field, yeah, there’s the pedestal
Jayne: *turns car into field and stops by the pedestal*
Craig: now what?
Jayne and Blair: now we wait
Blair: hey, that’s my line!
Jayne: I don’t see your name on it
Craig: actually, it’s got both your names on it *points at script* see, ‘Jayne and Blair’
Blair: but I’m the all knowing living-dead guy!
Jayne: well it was my idea to drive here
Blair: well it was me that said to kill the weregopher
Jayne: well, I’m alive, so there!
Blair: *gasps* THAT’S DEADIST!
Jayne: huh! I am NOT deadist!
Blair: you are so!
Jayne: my best friend is a walking corpse!
Manby: hey, don’t bring me into this
Blair: yeah, just ‘cause you follow her everywhere
Manby: hey! I do not!
Jayne: oh yes you do! You did that in life let alone in death!
Blair: HEY! Back to my Jayne’s-a-deadist argument!
And it continued into the night…
Sometime later, after the arguing had gotten into who sucks more, U2 or the Darkness, (Jayne: obviously the Darkness / Manby: no, obviously U2) the four friends had fallen asleep:
Craig: *wakes up, for once knowing where he is, and looks out the window. The sun is almost down, but the moon isn’t visible yet, however against the bright backdrop of the sky, a shadow is moving towards them across the field* Jayne, Jayne, wake up.
Jayne: *half asleep* mmm… not now James…
Craig: 0.o *shakes her shoulder* Jayne, wake up.
Jayne: hm? Huh? Oh, Craig, what’s-? *sees shadowy figure* the weregopher
Craig: that’s my guess
Blair: bunny? *wakes up* ‘sup?
Craig: weregopher, wake up Manby
Blair: Craig, don’t you remember that’s impossible?
Jayne: *clicks in front of Manby’s face*
Manby: *wakes up* carfuzldefunk?
Craig and Blair: oh, Belgium.
All: *get out of car*
Weregopher: *comes closer, and as the sun sets and darkness falls, he is recognised*
Craig: CHRIS?!
Chris: yup. It’s always the ones you least expect. Mmm, Blair *munch munch*
Blair: getawayyou-!
Craig: that’s it Chris, you and me, right now
Chris: O.K. But we have a mutual problem *the full moon rises behind him*
Chris, Craig and Jayne: *changing* ARGH! OW! EEEP! (and so on and so forth)
Craig the weregopher: *attacks Chris the weregopher*
Jayne the ferret: *actual ferret size, and so terrified by the giant gophers, runs away*
Manby: dammit! I’ll find the ferret, you kill Chris.
Blair: right… which one’s Chris?
Manby: I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess he’s the one eating the grass when he’s not fighting *chases Jayne the wereferret* here jj, here girl, good ferret *whistles*
Blair: YO! CHRIS! BISEXUAL VEGETARIAN DRUMMER! OVER HERE!
Chris the weregopher: 0.o
Blair: FETCH! *throws the silver irnbru can*
Weregophers: go after it
Blair: NO, CRAIG! NOT YOU, DUMBASS!
Chris the weregopher: *bites the can and drinks the contents. Gasp, collapse, dead*
Craig the weregopher: *changes back* Blair!
Blair: *no longer decomposed and surrounded by white light* cool. Guess I’ll be seein’ ya budy, have a good life! *starts to fade*
Craig: have a good, trip, I guess!
Blair: *smiles and fades away completely*
Craig: *looks up at the moon, then down at himself and yells:* I’m cured!
Jayne the wereferret: *bites Craig’s leg*
Craig: ow! *changing into a ferret* OH GREAT!
THE END
It is a dark and stormy night, of course, and Craig works tirelessly in a rented attic-laboratory to revive his late friend Blair, who died tragically of a heart attack along with several others across the country while watching The Ring vs. The Grudge 3D. Blair is lowered into a pool of water:
Craig: I don’t know much about biology, looking back if I’d taken it it might have come in handy about now, but I have seen a lot of movies, and this should work. *empties a bucket of electric eels into the water*
Blair: *sits bolt upright* YAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! *leaps from the pool, looks around and sees Craig* DAMMIT CRAIG! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME?!
Craig: I brought you back to life asshole!
Blair: … huh?
Craig: you died during the movie. You had a heart attack.
Blair: … huh… *remembers* oh yeah! it was when both creepy girls crawled out the TV at once, well, it looked like they were crawling out the screen at me. Then they both went, like, all scary and, and, AND IT WAS TOO HORRIBLE TO REMEMBER!
Craig: … uh-huh…
Blair: … so… what now?
Craig: hmm… *thinking*
Blair: … *waiting*
[later…]
Craig: …
Blair: …
[later still…]
Craig: …
Blair: …
[and even later…]
Craig: …
Blair: …
Craig: Jayne, did you even write a script for this?
Jayne: Er… Is that some sort of Demonic Duck? *runs away*
Blair: *slaps Craig* stay in character and don’t talk to or scare away the author
Craig: …
Blair: …
[and later still…]
Blair: …
Craig: *on the phone* Manby?
Manby: yeah?
Craig: well, I’ve um, brought Blair back to life, and I was wondering about your views on that
Manby: …
Craig: …
Blair: …
Manby: … say what?
[the next day]
Blair: Craig, Craig! wake up!
Craig: huh?
Blair: check this out! *lifts up the bed with Craig on it and spins it around on one finger*
Craig: ah ah ah! Stop it!
Blair: *puts him and the bed down* sorry, but check this! *punches a hole in the wall* and I wasn’t even trying!
Craig: hey! This place is rented you know!
Blair: isn’t this awesome!
Craig: Blair, calm down.
Blair: no! I don’t want to! This is so cool!
Craig: Blair! This is becoming some weird Frankenstein rip-off!
Blair: this IS a Frankenstein rip-off! *manically* I, am, FRANKENBLAIR! *lightning flashes*
Craig: Frankenblair? *lightning flashes* *frowns and looks out the window for storm clouds*
Blair: yes, FRANKENBLAIR! *lightning flashes*
Craig: … I wish it would stop doing that… Blair, Blair? Blair! *looks round and sees a Blair shaped hole in the wall* Dammit!
[later…]
Craig: *outside looking for him* Blair! Blair! *mobile goes off, answers* yeah?
Manby: is Blair on the rampage?
Craig: probably, why?
Manby: ‘cause he’s rampaging outside my house
Craig: dammit!
[later still…]
Craig: *arrives at Manby’s house*
Blair: *calls up to Manby* Manby! Come down! I wanna spar!
Manby: *from his window* No way man! Not with superpowers!
Blair: Oh come on! I’ll go easy!
Manby: *thinks about it*
Craig: BLAIR!
Blair: 0.o
Craig: come back to the lab; we can fix this
Blair: fix what?! I’ve got superpowers!
Barry Stewart: *rides past* heh heh heh, yer mum! Oi Gregor!
Blair: Perfect! *chases him*
Craig: Blair! BLAIR! BL- dammit!
Manby: *walks up to him* so he has superpowers now?
Craig: yeah, come on, help me fix it
Manby: oh great, be the Igor to your Frankenstein?
Craig: no, the Gregor to my Frankenblair *lightning flashes* what’s with the lightning in the daytime? That’s a screwed up piece of plot work
Manby: *slaps Craig* stay in character and don’t criticise the author
[that night…]
The entire YPT are having a meeting aka. gangbang in the highstreet:
Blair: *steps out of the darkness menacingly* so, the YPT, we meet at last
Some random NED: ‘oo’re you then? W’at you playin’ at, ay?
Other NED: I’m gonnae knife yeh!
Another NED: let’s lob sum’hin’ at ‘im!
Wee NED at the back: let’s batter ‘im!
All NEDs (except wee NED at the back): *converge on Blair*
Blair: *evil grin* TAKE THAT! *NED goes flying* AND THAT! *NED crashes into lamppost* AND THAT YOU BURBERRY-WEARING FREAKS! *more NEDs fly*
Wee NED at the back: leg it!
Blair: MWAH-HA-HA-HA! *massive Matrix fight ensues as NEDs try to escape*
[meanwhile…]
Craig: AH-HA! At last! *holds up a bottle of bright green liquid* The norma-formula is finished! *lightning flashes* *mutters* AGAIN with the lightning
Jayne: *slaps Craig* I heard that! stay in character and don’t question the special effects!
Craig: *rubs cheek* ow! I wish you’d all stop slapping me!
Manby: So that stuff ’ll make Blair normal?
Craig: Well, he’ll be back to his old self, I’m not a miracle worker Manby.
Manby: *accusingly* right, and this coming from the guy who brought Blair back to life, WITH SUPERPOWERS, in the first place!
Craig: *narrows his eyes at Manby, but otherwise ignores the comment and looks intently at the formula* Now all I have to do is get him to drink it
Manby: Well unless you made him smarter too I don’t think it’ll be that hard
Craig: right, I’ll be back with Blair later then *heads for door*
Manby: but, how will you find him?
Craig: just follow the trail of destruction
[later that night…]
Blair: *looks up from trashing cars in Matrix fashion to see the Odeon* hmm, I shall get into a movie… FOR FREE! Tee hee hee! *walks in humming ‘I’m in the money’*
Server: Sir? SIR!
Blair: 0.o *stops and turns*
Server: you have to pay to get beyond this point
Blair: no need, for I am Frankenblair *lightning flashes* and I can do whatever I want
Server: eh, sir. Only superheroes get in free-admission, supervillans are charged extra
Blair: *eyes redden* don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
[meanwhile…]
Craig: *following the trail of destruction, comes to the Odeon, enters, and finds the tills have been trashed, the server is hanging upside down from the roof, and the sweet-shop has been cleared out. From the latter, he deducts that Blair has been here recently. With formula in hand, he mounts the escalator (que elevator music) upon eventually reaching the top, he sees Blair carrying the entire contents of the shop. He wonders if the formula is necessary as this seems a normal Blair activity, yet approaches him anyway*
Blair: oh hi Craig, wanna catch a film?
Craig: sure, but you missed something
Blair: huh?
Craig: I found this in the shop *presents the bottle of formula*
Blair: dammit! I always forget something! *manages a free hand, grabs the bottle, and (despite being a glowing green) downs the contents* mmm, lime… WHAT THE- ?! *drops all the food and collapses on the floor. Gets up and tries flexing his arms and punching the air* Awh Craig! I’m normal again! What’d you do that for?! Oooh! The Omen vs. The Exorcist 3D! *walks in*
Craig: *sighs. Takes out his mobile and dials 999* yeah, hi, listen, can I book and ambulance? I think I’m gonna need one in about an hour-
Blair: YIPE!
Craig: -make that forty-five minutes.
[THE END]
an Irish Weregopher in Dundee- starring Craig the Weregopher, Blair the undead, and Jayne the nurse