it'll be a while before it's all up

 an Irish Weregopher in Dundee- starring Craig the Weregopher, Blair the undead, and Jayne the nurse

 Frankenblair- starring Blair as Frankenblair and Craig as the mad scientist

 the Haunted House- starring Blair and Craig as our heroes and Pavel, Manby, Jayne, Chris and David as the sidekicks

 Mombula- starring Manby as Count Momby, Craig as Gopherfield and Blair as Mr. Watson

the story of Extreme Randomness!- starring Blair, Manby and Jayne, guest starring Scoobie Doo, Kirsten's brother, and Hobbits Merry and Pippin (that's how random this is)

 Rat Race- starring Blair, Manby, Craig, Jayne, Benny, Declan, Holz, and a peculiar hybrid of Rory and Pavel, and guest starring about everyone else we know and several teachers

Open in the Highlands of Scotland. The ugliest most decrepit little farm truck you have ever seen in you life trundles along a dirt road and stops at a fork. A familiar face gets out the driver’s side. It’s Ruari! In wellies and a bonnet no less! He opens the back of his truck, and amongst the sheep (his favourite animal) two disgruntled looking backpackers are seated. It’s ‘pure-bred-Scott’ Blair  Dave-J Watson and Craig Xander ‘sanirishman’ Low (so sorry guys, but I tried to make your middle names look cool, don’t kill me!). They hop out and help close up the truck:

Blair: thanks for the ride Ruari.

Ruari: don’t mention it.

Craig: nice sheep.

Ruari: don’t mention them either.

Craig and Blair: *exchange glances*

Ruari: *nervously* eh, the inn’s that way, bye! *gets in the truck and burns rubber*

Craig and Blair: *exchange glances, shrug and head in direction of inn*

Craig: *sarcastic* well this is a fun trip.

Blair: oh come on Craig, just ‘cause we’re cold and a little lost and ran into Ruari and his sheep while hitchhiking here doesn’t mean that… yeah o.k. it sucks so far

Craig: well, at least it can’t get any wor-

They turn the corner and see the road to the inn twisting off into the distance and up a huge hill, then there’s a sudden clap of thunder and it starts to rain heavily:

Craig and Blair: *burst out crying*

It’s dark and has stopped raining as the boys descend the hill into a small village. By this point Craig has Blair’s arm around his shoulder to help him keep upright as they scrape their way along the cobble stones, panting for breath:

Blair: there’s *gasp* a pub *gasp* yeay! *gasp, collapse*

Craig: woo- *gasp* -hoo! *gasp, collapse*

Once they’ve regained consciousness:

Blair: wanna go in?

Craig: yeah ok.

*they walk in and silence falls as about twenty half-drunk highlanders glare menacingly*

Craig and Blair: *exchange glances, gulp, shuffle into a booth and sit down*

Ugly old barmaid: *grumbles* what’ll it be?

Craig: eh, any coffee?

Barmaid: no.

Blair: and hot chocolate?

Barmaid: no.

Craig: hot meals?

Barmaid: no.

Blair: soup?

Barmaid: we sell spirits and beers; if it’s something hot you want you can have tea.

Craig: any tea?

Barmaid: no.

Craig and Blair: *exchange glances*

Barmaid: *sighs* but I can make some.

Blair: oh yes please.

Barmaid: *turns and walks away*

Blair: *whispers to Craig* now, if only I liked tea.

Craig: *whispers to Blair* I blame you for this! *smiles nervously at grumpy glaring highlanders as they begin to talk amongst themselves again*

Blair: hey, at least it’s warm.

Craig: *grumbles*

Blair: *looking around* what the hell is THAT?

Craig: *sees a huge stuffed gopher head on the wall, at least five times larger than a normal gopher’s* Jesus! What the hell?

Blair: that is a, big, gopher.

Barmaid: *loud and accusingly* Oh aye, and what are you two starin’ at?

All: *silence*

Craig: uh… the, big, gopher?

All except Craig and Blair: *angry silence*

Highlanders: *starting to look vicious*

Craig and Blair: *very nervous*

Random Highlander: GET OUT

Craig and Blair: *dust clouds*

Later:

Craig and Blair: *walking up the road in darkness*

Craig: what the hell was all that about?

Blair: I don’t care, I just wanna get far away from that pub! The inn must be up here somewhere.

Craig: I can’t see where I’m going, I wish it wasn’t so cloudy; it’s a full moon, you’d think there’d be some light!

*starts to rain*

Blair: *pleading* oh please no don’t rain!

*rains heavier with thunder*

Blair: *bursts out crying*

*the clouds part briefly and moonlight floods the land*

Craig: *stops walking*

Blair: 0.o

Craig: …

Blair: Craig? What is it?

Craig: Where’s the road?

Blair: *looks around to see they’re walking in a field* DAMMIT! Ah! Look, we’ll just have to backtrack til we find it.

Craig: dammitdammitdammit! Oh, come on then.

Craig and Blair: *turn around and start walking back*

*strange noise in distance*

Craig and Blair: *stop dead*

Craig: did you hear that?

Blair: I might have heard it.

Craig: what was that?

Blair: it couldda been a lot of things.

Craig and Blair: *start walking again*

*louder strange noise*

Craig and Blair: *stop dead again and slowly look at each other, then slowly look straight ahead again*

Craig: all in favour of running back to the creepy pub say ‘‘sanirishman’

Blair: ‘SANIRISHMAN!

Craig and Blair: *run*

*even louder strange noise*

Craig: shit Blair, what the hell is that?!

Blair: I don’t know and I don’t wanna know, just keep running!

Craig: *runs past a pedestal with a can of irnbru on the top. Backtracks and looks at it* hmm *shrugs and drinks it in one go*

Blair: Craig! *runs up to him, grabs his arm and drags him away* we don’t have time for this! Let’s go!

Craig: *moans and groans* whoa, I feel funky.

Blair: well if you’ll insist on drinking cans of irnbru that appear in the middle of no-where, remember last time that happened?

Craig: ah, good times…*smiles as if he remembers, then thinks again* actually, no.

Blair: well you don’t wanna know, keep moving

*something straight in front of them in the shadows growls*

Craig and Blair: *skid to a halt*

Blair: ok, how ‘bout this way *makes a 90 degree turn in the road’s general direction and drags Craig with him*

*growling thing follows and gets in front of them again*

Blair: *terrified, stops*

Craig: *falls to his knees groaning* I don’t feel so good, man.

Blair: come on dude, get up *is attacked by a huge gopher* AHH! OH GOD! OW! CRAIG! LITTLE HELP!

Craig: *seeing double* Blair… I- I-… I can’t-… *falls over* can’t-… *passes out*

About a week later:

Craig: *wakes up, still seeing double, groans* Blair?

*a blurry nurse comes over*

Nurse: Craig? Can you hear me?

Craig: *recognising the voice* uh-huh

Nurse: you’re at Ninewells, you’re gonna be fine.

Craig: Ninewells! They couldn’t have sent me anywhere closer?! *sits up, vision clears, looks at nurse* Jayne?!

Jayne: I wanted to be a vet, go figure!

Craig: what happened to Blair?

Jayne: *looks grave* he uh, he died Craig.

Craig: *speechless*

Jayne: I’ll give you a minute *walks out*

Craig: *lies back on bed, coming to terms, grieving, yada yada yada*

Blair: Hi Craig

Craig: Hi Blair *double takes* BAH! *falls out of bed*

Blair: whoa, dude, calm down

Craig: *peers over the bed covers* Blair? Jayne said you were dead.

Blair: I am *evident by the gash wounds on his face and the blood on his clothes* not pretty huh? Now get back in bed and listen, I have to tell you something important.

Craig: *crawls into bed again*

Blair: I was killed by a weregopher, a lycangoph, and now you’re one too.

Craig: ME?!

Blair: yes. You drank the enchanted irnbru, the drink of the Gopher, and now I wander the earth, only seen by weregophers, until the one that killed me is dead. I need you to help me: Kill the gopher, and we’ll both be free. Don’t, and I’ll be a walking rotting corpse for all eternity, and come the next full moon, you’ll be a murderer.

Craig: a murderer?!

Blair: you’ll change, and you’ll kill, and you’ll feed.

Craig: no way. Look Blair, I’d like to help, but you’re obviously a figment of my imagination-

Blair: the hell I am! Bitch! I’m outta here! See you in a few weeks, killer *disappears*

Jayne: *comes back in* the doctor says you’ll be good to go in a week or so. Do you have anywhere to stay?

Craig: *shakes his head* mm-mm

Jayne: well, you can stay with me then. I’ve got a two-bedroom down the road. This is only part-time, my writing pays for the rest.

Craig: thanks.

A few weeks later:

Craig: *wakes up and groans, wondering why this is the second time he’s woken up with amnesia and a headache and not known where he was in the same month, and looks around. He appears to be in Jayne’s bedroom, and in Jayne’s bed; worrying him a little bit for a start. Whatsmore, he seems to be wearing Jayne’s pyjamas and a pair of rainbow suspenders, has a traffic cone in bed next to him, and what seems to be one of Ruari’s sheep is munching at a corner of the bed covers*

Sheep: Bah

Craig: huh?

Jayne: morning.

Craig: Ah!

Jayne: *enters the room and sits on the bed next to him* have a good time last night?

Craig: eh, Jayne? Just what exactly did I do last night? *dreading the answer*

Jayne: how the hell should I know, I was working late-shift. When I came home and discovered you asleep in my bed with a sheep and a traffic cone I decided to leave it and sleep on the sofa.

Craig: erm, was last night, a uh, full moon?

Jayne: no; the next one’s in a few days I think.

Craig: *sighs with relief* then what happened to me?

Jayne: the six empty litre-bottles of irnbru I found in the kitchen along with a dozen yorkie wrappers might have something to do with it.

Craig: *everything making sense* oh, so that’s what happened!

Jayne: yep, just another hyper night for you I guess. Call me first though the next time you do that, apart from maybe saving my house from being trashed, it looks like fun. *then looking a little worriedly at the sheep* Though from the looks of it, amnesia probably isn’t such a bad thing right now.

Craig and Jayne: *look uncertainly at the sheep*

Sheep: Bah

Later:

Craig: *watching TV*

Blair: Hi Craig

Craig: Hi Blair *double takes* AH!

Blair: WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT?!

Craig: Sorry! It’s just- whoa man, what happened to you?

Blair: *more decomposed than last time* yeah, I know. Not much to look at, am I?

Craig: I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming, wake up Craig.

Blair: *slaps Craig* pull yourself together

Craig: 0.o *rubs cheek* you hit me.

Blair: yeah, so you’re not dreaming or imagining me are you?

Craig: guess not, what’s up?

Blair: Last night, you went a bit nuts with the irnbru didn’t you? Normally I’d say what else is new, but that’s the gopher in you Craig. It’s coming out.

Craig: what can I do?

Blair: you need to find the weregopher and kill it.

Craig: right… and how do I do that?

Blair: … well, you eh, I’ll get back to you. *disappears*

Craig: Blair! BLAIR!

Blair: *reappears* yeah?

Craig: … so am I just supposed to sit here?! The full moon’s not far off!

Blair: well… yeah. I’ll get back to you, I promise, just as soon as I find out how to kill a weregopher, bye! *disappears*

It’s the first day of the full moon (‘cause unless you didn’t know, the moon’s actually full for three days at a time). Craig has been waiting for Blair to return, but he hasn’t:

Jayne: I’m going out now, sure you don’t wanna come?

Craig: Nah, I’ll laze around here tonight.

Jayne: O.K. then, *glares* do NOT trash the house… without me *leaves*

Craig: *starts raiding drawers for ropes or chains or anything to keep him in one place for the night. Rather worryingly finds a drawer full of ropes and chains in Jayne's bedroom* 0.o ?!?!?! *picks out a few pairs of handcuffs and chains and locks and keys, and manages to tie himself to the bed* ah, that should hold me… *after a few moments, he needs to pee* I can hold it… *then his nose itches* … *bursts out crying. He manages to free himself, scratch his nose and use the bathroom, then returns to the bedroom. But before he can chain himself up again, he starts to change, falling to the floor and yelling* OW! OH JESUS CHRIST! AHH! EEE! GRR! GRRRR! *has now transformed into a giant gopher. Knocks down the front door and vanishes into the night, squeaking and growling.*

The next day:

Craig: *wakes up and groans, wondering why this is now the third time he’s woken up with amnesia and a headache and not known where he was in the same month, and looks around* 0.o ?!?!?!?! *he’s in the zoo, as all good were-animals end up in the movies, naked and in the gopher exhibit. He looks at a nearby gopher, which squeaks and runs away* oh shite *looks around and sees the low wall surrounding the exhibit, and sees two people sitting on a bench nearby with their backs to him. A trench coat is slung over the back of the bench. He grabs it, leaps over the wall and runs away*

Later:

Craig: *arrives back at Jayne’s house and discovers the door is locked* oh shitey shite shite!

Jayne: Craig?

Craig: *turns and sees Jayne, also wearing nothing but a trench coat, and holding her house keys* 0.o …

Jayne: 0.o …

Craig: Jayne, I’m a weregopher.

Jayne: what a coincidence, I’m a wereferret.

Later still:

Craig and Jayne: *watching TV*

TV: ‘… and in a bizarre incident, an R. S. McColls was raided last night by someone in a six-foot gopher suit. No one was injured, however the shops entire supply of irnbru was drunk by the assailant. Empty cans and bottles were found in the shop and in the immediate vicinity…’

Blair: boy…

Craig and Jayne: *double take* Ahh! *fall off chairs*

Blair: *used to it by now* …there are just no words. I can safely say I didn’t expect this.

Craig: Jayne, you can see him?

Jayne: of course, I’m a wereferret.

Craig: … yes, ‘of course’…

Blair: oh, hey Manby

Manby: yo Blair, how’ve you been?

Blair: dead. you?

Manby: dead.

Blair: good good.

Craig and Jayne: GUYS!

Blair and Manby: sorry

Craig: what’s with the dead Manby? Wereferret victim?

Jayne: oh no, he just follows me around, I don’t know why.

Manby: all good were-thingies have ghosts following them around, I didn’t want you to be lonely

Jayne, Craig and Blair: … rrriightt…

Manby: honestly!

Blair: O.K. enough, Craig, I know how you kill the weregopher

Jayne: ooh, that sounds like fun can I help?

Manby: me too?

Blair: *sighs and rolls eyes* O.K. whatever, Craig, you need it to drink from a silver irnbru can, then it’ll die and we’ll be released.

Craig: where do I get a silver irnbru can?

Jayne: just talk to Gary, he’s president of the irnbru can making company

Craig: …well that was lucky

And even later:

Gary: so, Jayne, Craig, what can I do for you?

Craig: we need a silver irnbru can

Gary: 0.o *thinks* well, if you can come up with some silver

Craig: will these do? *holds up handcuffs and chains*

Jayne: hey! *blushes* I mean, where did you get those Craig?

Craig: 0.o *whispers* from your room, you know, the ones you use to tie yourself up on the full moon

Jayne: right. Myself, full moon, of course *blushes again*

Craig: 0.o ?!?!

Gary: EH-HEM

Craig: right. I had these appraised and they’re silver all right.

Gary: *examines chains and grins at Jayne who blushes yet again and looks away* yes, I think these will do. I’ll have to overlook a few health and safety laws, but anything for an old friend *grins at Jayne and winks, jingling the chains*

Jayne: I’ll be going now *exits office quickly*

Craig: *shrugs* see ya later Cocker *follows Jayne*

And later still:

Craig: *carrying the silver irnbru can* one question, when I change, what’s gonna stop me from drinking this and dying myself?

Blair: me *takes can and pockets it* there’s no way you’re dying and leaving me walking around forever

Jayne: Come on, we’d better get home and tie ourselves up; the sun’s setting

That night:

Jayne and Craig: *chained to opposite sides of the bed*

Craig: wait a second, if we both change, what’s gonna stop us from…?

Jayne: I don’t know, are gophers and ferrets even compatible?

Craig: I meant fight Jayne, what’s gonna stop us from fighting each other?

Jayne: oh, that’s what I meant too *blushes*

Blair: don’t worry *standing in doorway with Manby and a bowl of popcorn* we’re here to watch you two

Craig: what’s with the popcorn?

Manby: it’s not a show without popcorn

Craig: thanks

Craig and Jayne: *changing* OW! SONOFA-! AHH! (etc etc)

The next day:

Craig: *wakes up and groans, wondering why this is the- oh you know the drill! Anyway, he’s naked in Jayne’s bed, still chained to it, and there’s a lump under the covers beside him* Jayne? *pokes the lump. The lump moves and a head appears from under the covers*

Blair: hey Craig

Craig: Blair, why are you in bed with me?

Blair: catching some shut-eye. As you’ve no doubt noticed I need all the beauty sleep I can get *now skeletal in some places and turning a strange shade of green*

Jayne: *comes in and throws Craig’s clothes on the bed. Takes a key and unlocks his handcuffs and chains* get dressed, and I’ll meet you in the car.

Craig: where are we going?

Jayne: We’re gonna get you cured, and get that weregopher dead.

Later:

Manby: are we there yet?

Jayne: no

Manby: are we there yet?

Jayne: no

Manby: are we there yet?

Jayne: no

Manby: are we there yet?

Jayne: no

Manby: are we there yet?

Jayne: no

Manby: are we there yet?

Jayne: yes

Manby: really?

Jayne: no

Manby: are we there yet?

Jayne: wait… nnnnnnnnnnow we are

In the highlands:

Craig: wait a sec

Jayne: *stops car outside the pub*

Blair: what is it?

Craig: *grins mischievously* I have an idea

Craig and Blair: *get out the car*

In the pub:

Craig with the gopher head on: GRRR!

Highlanders: *scream like girls and run away*

Blair: AND STAY OUT!

Craig: *takes off the head and slips the barmaid a twenty*

On the road again:

Craig: I think it’s this field, yeah, there’s the pedestal

Jayne: *turns car into field and stops by the pedestal*

Craig: now what?

Jayne and Blair: now we wait

Blair: hey, that’s my line!

Jayne: I don’t see your name on it

Craig: actually, it’s got both your names on it *points at script* see, ‘Jayne and Blair’

Blair: but I’m the all knowing living-dead guy!

Jayne: well it was my idea to drive here

Blair: well it was me that said to kill the weregopher

Jayne: well, I’m alive, so there!

Blair: *gasps* THAT’S DEADIST!

Jayne: huh! I am NOT deadist!

Blair: you are so!

Jayne: my best friend is a walking corpse!

Manby: hey, don’t bring me into this

Blair: yeah, just ‘cause you follow her everywhere

Manby: hey! I do not!

Jayne: oh yes you do! You did that in life let alone in death!

Blair: HEY! Back to my Jayne’s-a-deadist argument!

And it continued into the night…

Sometime later, after the arguing had gotten into who sucks more, U2 or the Darkness, (Jayne: obviously the Darkness / Manby: no, obviously U2) the four friends had fallen asleep:

Craig: *wakes up, for once knowing where he is, and looks out the window. The sun is almost down, but the moon isn’t visible yet, however against the bright backdrop of the sky, a shadow is moving towards them across the field* Jayne, Jayne, wake up.

Jayne: *half asleep* mmm… not now James…

Craig: 0.o *shakes her shoulder* Jayne, wake up.

Jayne: hm? Huh? Oh, Craig, what’s-? *sees shadowy figure* the weregopher

Craig: that’s my guess

Blair: bunny? *wakes up* ‘sup?

Craig: weregopher, wake up Manby

Blair: Craig, don’t you remember that’s impossible?

Jayne: *clicks in front of Manby’s face*

Manby: *wakes up* carfuzldefunk?

Craig and Blair: oh, Belgium.

All: *get out of car*

Weregopher: *comes closer, and as the sun sets and darkness falls, he is recognised*

Craig: CHRIS?!

Chris: yup. It’s always the ones you least expect. Mmm, Blair *munch munch*

Blair: getawayyou-!

Craig: that’s it Chris, you and me, right now

Chris: O.K. But we have a mutual problem *the full moon rises behind him*

Chris, Craig and Jayne: *changing* ARGH! OW! EEEP! (and so on and so forth)

Craig the weregopher: *attacks Chris the weregopher*

Jayne the ferret: *actual ferret size, and so terrified by the giant gophers, runs away*

Manby: dammit! I’ll find the ferret, you kill Chris.

Blair: right… which one’s Chris?

Manby: I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess he’s the one eating the grass when he’s not fighting *chases Jayne the wereferret* here jj, here girl, good ferret *whistles*

Blair: YO! CHRIS! BISEXUAL VEGETARIAN DRUMMER! OVER HERE!

Chris the weregopher: 0.o

Blair: FETCH! *throws the silver irnbru can*

Weregophers: go after it

Blair: NO, CRAIG!  NOT YOU, DUMBASS!

Chris the weregopher: *bites the can and drinks the contents. Gasp, collapse, dead*

Craig the weregopher: *changes back* Blair!

Blair: *no longer decomposed and surrounded by white light* cool. Guess I’ll be seein’ ya budy, have a good life! *starts to fade*

Craig: have a good, trip, I guess!

Blair: *smiles and fades away completely*

Craig: *looks up at the moon, then down at himself and yells:* I’m cured!

Jayne the wereferret: *bites Craig’s leg*

Craig: ow! *changing into a ferret* OH GREAT!

THE END

It is a dark and stormy night, of course, and Craig works tirelessly in a rented attic-laboratory to revive his late friend Blair, who died tragically of a heart attack along with several others across the country while watching The Ring vs. The Grudge 3D. Blair is lowered into a pool of water:

Craig: I don’t know much about biology, looking back if I’d taken it it might have come in handy about now, but I have seen a lot of movies, and this should work. *empties a bucket of electric eels into the water*

Blair: *sits bolt upright* YAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! *leaps from the pool, looks around and sees Craig* DAMMIT CRAIG! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME?!

Craig: I brought you back to life asshole!

Blair: … huh?

Craig: you died during the movie. You had a heart attack.

Blair: … huh… *remembers* oh yeah! it was when both creepy girls crawled out the TV at once, well, it looked like they were crawling out the screen at me. Then they both went, like, all scary and, and, AND IT WAS TOO HORRIBLE TO REMEMBER!

Craig: … uh-huh…

Blair: … so… what now?

Craig: hmm… *thinking*

Blair: … *waiting*

[later…]

Craig: …

Blair: …

[later still…]

Craig: …

Blair: …

[and even later…]

Craig: …

Blair: …

Craig: Jayne, did you even write a script for this?

Jayne: Er… Is that some sort of Demonic Duck? *runs away*

Blair: *slaps Craig* stay in character and don’t talk to or scare away the author

Craig: …

Blair: …

[and later still…]

Blair: …

Craig: *on the phone* Manby?

Manby: yeah?

Craig: well, I’ve um, brought Blair back to life, and I was wondering about your views on that

Manby: …

Craig: …

Blair: …

Manby: … say what?

[the next day]

Blair: Craig, Craig! wake up!

Craig: huh?

Blair: check this out! *lifts up the bed with Craig on it and spins it around on one finger*

Craig: ah ah ah! Stop it!

Blair: *puts him and the bed down* sorry, but check this! *punches a hole in the wall* and I wasn’t even trying!

Craig: hey! This place is rented you know!

Blair: isn’t this awesome!

Craig: Blair, calm down.

Blair: no! I don’t want to! This is so cool!

Craig: Blair! This is becoming some weird Frankenstein rip-off!

Blair: this IS a Frankenstein rip-off! *manically* I, am, FRANKENBLAIR! *lightning flashes*

Craig: Frankenblair? *lightning flashes* *frowns and looks out the window for storm clouds*

Blair: yes, FRANKENBLAIR! *lightning flashes*

Craig: … I wish it would stop doing that… Blair, Blair? Blair! *looks round and sees a Blair shaped hole in the wall* Dammit!

[later…]

Craig: *outside looking for him* Blair! Blair! *mobile goes off, answers* yeah?

Manby: is Blair on the rampage?

Craig: probably, why?

Manby: ‘cause he’s rampaging outside my house

Craig: dammit!

[later still…]

Craig: *arrives at Manby’s house*

Blair: *calls up to Manby* Manby! Come down! I wanna spar!

Manby: *from his window* No way man! Not with superpowers!

Blair: Oh come on! I’ll go easy!

Manby: *thinks about it*

Craig: BLAIR!

Blair: 0.o

Craig: come back to the lab; we can fix this

Blair: fix what?! I’ve got superpowers!

Barry Stewart: *rides past* heh heh heh, yer mum! Oi Gregor!

Blair: Perfect! *chases him*

Craig: Blair! BLAIR! BL- dammit!

Manby: *walks up to him* so he has superpowers now?

Craig: yeah, come on, help me fix it

Manby: oh great, be the Igor to your Frankenstein?

Craig: no, the Gregor to my Frankenblair *lightning flashes* what’s with the lightning in the daytime? That’s a screwed up piece of plot work

Manby: *slaps Craig* stay in character and don’t criticise the author

[that night…]

The entire YPT are having a meeting aka. gangbang in the highstreet:

Blair: *steps out of the darkness menacingly* so, the YPT, we meet at last

Some random NED: ‘oo’re you then? W’at you playin’ at, ay?

Other NED: I’m gonnae knife yeh!

Another NED: let’s lob sum’hin’ at ‘im!

Wee NED at the back: let’s batter ‘im!

All NEDs (except wee NED at the back): *converge on Blair*

Blair: *evil grin* TAKE THAT! *NED goes flying* AND THAT! *NED crashes into lamppost* AND THAT YOU BURBERRY-WEARING FREAKS! *more NEDs fly*

Wee NED at the back: leg it!

Blair: MWAH-HA-HA-HA! *massive Matrix fight ensues as NEDs try to escape*

[meanwhile…]

Craig: AH-HA! At last! *holds up a bottle of bright green liquid* The norma-formula is finished! *lightning flashes* *mutters* AGAIN with the lightning

Jayne: *slaps Craig* I heard that! stay in character and don’t question the special effects!

Craig: *rubs cheek* ow! I wish you’d all stop slapping me!

Manby: So that stuff ’ll make Blair normal?

Craig: Well, he’ll be back to his old self, I’m not a miracle worker Manby.

Manby: *accusingly* right, and this coming from the guy who brought Blair back to life, WITH SUPERPOWERS,  in the first place!

Craig: *narrows his eyes at Manby, but otherwise ignores the comment and looks intently at the formula* Now all I have to do is get him to drink it

Manby: Well unless you made him smarter too I don’t think it’ll be that hard

Craig: right, I’ll be back with Blair later then *heads for door*

Manby: but, how will you find him?

Craig: just follow the trail of destruction

[later that night…]

Blair: *looks up from trashing cars in Matrix fashion to see the Odeon* hmm, I shall get into a movie… FOR FREE! Tee hee hee! *walks in humming ‘I’m in the money’*

Server: Sir? SIR!

Blair: 0.o *stops and turns*

Server: you have to pay to get beyond this point

Blair: no need, for I am Frankenblair *lightning flashes* and I can do whatever I want

Server: eh, sir. Only superheroes get in free-admission, supervillans are charged extra

Blair: *eyes redden* don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

[meanwhile…]

Craig: *following the trail of destruction, comes to the Odeon, enters, and finds the tills have been trashed, the server is hanging upside down from the roof, and the sweet-shop has been cleared out. From the latter, he deducts that Blair has been here recently. With formula in hand, he mounts the escalator (que elevator music) upon eventually reaching the top, he sees Blair carrying the entire contents of the shop. He wonders if the formula is necessary as this seems a normal Blair activity, yet approaches him anyway*

Blair: oh hi Craig, wanna catch a film?

Craig: sure, but you missed something

Blair: huh?

Craig: I found this in the shop *presents the bottle of formula*

Blair: dammit! I always forget something! *manages a free hand, grabs the bottle, and (despite being a glowing green) downs the contents* mmm, lime… WHAT THE- ?! *drops all the food and collapses on the floor. Gets up and tries flexing his arms and punching the air* Awh Craig! I’m normal again! What’d you do that for?! Oooh! The Omen vs. The Exorcist 3D! *walks in*

Craig: *sighs. Takes out his mobile and dials 999* yeah, hi, listen, can I book and ambulance? I think I’m gonna need one in about an hour-

Blair: YIPE!

Craig: -make that forty-five minutes.

[THE END]

~~~ Conspiracy of One ~~~

"But why would he send us to a carnival?" Blair asked about Mr Coton.

He had sent the whole school it seemed off to a carnival in the middle of no where. At least they assumed it was the middle of no where; the buses' windows had been blacked out.

"Not everything is a conspiracy Blair." Craig answered.

"Is it hell!" Blair replied indignantly.

Blair was walking around with Craig, Chris, Jayne, Pavel and Manby.

"Actually," Manby began, looking worriedly around, "has anyone else noticed the steady decline in the number of NEDs?"

He was right, however uncharacteristically; at the start of the trip there was Burberry everywhere, NEDs upon NEDs spraying each other with toilet water and picking fights with anything lacking Burberry or a fake Fintry accent. But now there was scarcely a pair of trackies in sight, let alone any socks pulled up over them. There were no Fila  or Burberry caps bobbing about at strange angles above the crowds either.

"Something is not right here." Jayne observed. "It's too quiet. Where's the screaming? Where's the loud obnoxious laughter? Where's Holly and Kirsten?"

"This is just too freaky." Craig looked like he was in the makings of a panic attack. "I want out!"

"No, Craig!" Blair yelled, but it was too late. The gopher was already hurtling off into the masses. "Dammit, Craig!"

They gave chase.

"Where the hell’d he go?!" Chris exclaimed.

"There!" Pavel pointed.

Craig was bound and gagged and being taken into the Haunted House by Kiddie-the-Klingon. Coton-the-mad-Vulcan was standing near by and rubbing his hands gleefully, saying what they each assumed was "Excellent."

"Oh no, they’ve got Craig!" Jayne cried. "Now I’ll never get-!" she stopped, noticing Blair looking at her out the corner of his eye, "-cabbages." she finished.

"Come on, let’s get him out." Blair strode determinedly towards the ride.

The others stood watching him.

Manby sighed. "Come on, let’s get him out."

Manby followed Blair, Jayne followed Manby and Chris followed Jayne. Pavel stood still. Jayne and Manby walked back, each took an arm, and dragged him over to the ride.

By the time the four reached the ticket booth, Blair was already talking to Coton-in-a-purple-wizard-costume-with-stars-and-moons-on. Coton was smiling and happy, as per usual, but unusually, so was Blair. He seemed to be in a trance.

"Why don’t you and your friends go on in, free of charge! Mwah-ha-ha!"

"Why that is just drippingly generous of you Mr Overlord Coton Sir! Come on chums!"

The four stared wide-eyed at Blair and slowly edged after him, carefully avoiding Coton’s obviously hypnotic gaze.

Once they were inside, out of Coton’s sight, Manby yelled "GET ‘IM!" and dived on Blair. Pavel and Chris restrained him while Manby slapped him shouting "SNAP OUT OF IT DUDE! PLAYSTATION!! LINKIN PARK!! BUDOKAI!! REARENDERS!!!"

"Ma-" (slap) "Manb-" (slap) "DUDE!!! STOP SLAPPING ME!"

"Sorry, got carried away."

“Where am I? What happened?"

"Don’t you remember?” Chris asked.

"The last thing I remember I was giving Coton a piece of my mind, when… oh NO! I didn’t really say ‘drippingly’ did I? And I called him- oh great! I feel like punching myself!"

Jayne grabbed his fist as he raised it. "You can punch yourself later, right now we have a missing gopher to find."

 ~~~ Enter the Dragon ~~~

Together, they ventured forth into their new surroundings. The room had walls painted to resemble brickwork, a high ceiling, too high to see, and was dimly lit by light bulbs in the shape of candle flames that flickered orange and red. In front of them were tall wooden doors with a great Chinese dragon painted across them. Shrugging, Blair and Manby pushed them open. Just as they did a bunch of very academic looking kids (aka. dorks) in tweed jackets and glasses walked out. One bumped into Manby and said "Oh! Very sorry Gregor, wasn’t looking where I was going old bean! Mwah-ha-ha."

"Wait, you know me? Oh my GOD! Craig!" It was Craig!… Cunningham! (HA! Got your hopes up didn’t I?)

"Yes old boy? What in heaven’s name has happened! You are simply white as a sheet!"

"N-nothing, just go."

"Oh, well, if you insist. Ta-ta all!"

Manby looked wildly around and screamed "NEDs! They’re all NEDs!"

For the second time in this story, Manby was disturbingly and unrealistically right. The NEDs had been turned into nerds! The YPT had been turned into honours students! Instead of saying 'I'm gonnae knife yeh!' they were saying 'Spiffing old chap!' THE MADNESS!!! YAAAAAAAH!!! …Eh-hem, back to the story…

Beyond the doors, Kiddie was herding the remaining NEDs into the ride’s carts with a cattle prod.

"Giggle!" smiled Manby as rebellious NEDs were electrocuted yelling "Ah, yeh fook!"

"I don’t see gopher, do you?" Jayne whispered to the group.

"No."

"No."

"No."

"Cabbages… stupid mother… cabbages, huh! …cabbages,"

"BLAIR!"

"Huh?"

"Do you see Craig?"

"What? Eh, no… cabbages, pah!"

"OH LET IT GO!"

"Look!" whispered Chris, pointing as the carts moved away. Kiddie walked out the back door, passing a door marked 'KEEP OUT' with a large flower painted underneath it on his way. "Mmm, forbidden salad bar. Let’s go for it!"

Crouching, they made their way warily towards the door and Blair opened it, closing it behind him after everyone had entered.

"Where are we?" Jayne asked.

"Where’s the flowers?" Chris moaned.

The room was dark, until Pavel flicked on a lighter. They all turned to him.

"Where did you get that from?" Manby asked.

"Well, I kept asking you guys for one but-"

"Never mind." Manby decided.

With Pavel in the lead as he had the only light source (and some of his companions hoped he’d get eaten by something), they started off down a long corridor. Gradually, for the sake of using a cliché, a light appeared at the end of the tunnel. They soon realised that more of the cheap flame-shaped lights lined the walls, as well as suits of armour, and so Pavel flicked off the lighter. But then they heard a clattering of footsteps running at them down the corridor. It was too late to turn back, they’d have to face whatever danger was coming.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-OOMF!" (David ran smack into Manby at full speed and fell backwards) "Is this a Manby I see before me?" He wiped his glasses. "Why, YEEEES! IT IS!" He leapt to his feet and grabbed Manby by the shoulders, looking at him over his glasses. "Did you check the yoghurt?" he asked in a low and secretive tone.

"Excuse me?"

"You can’t just meddle with the fabric of space and time without changing the density of yoghurt man!" David began rambling madly and pacing back and forwards across the corridor. Manby gestured everybody together for a huddle.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Blair asked.

"Seems quite normal to me." Pavel shrugged, and a few nodded in agreement.

"It’s elementary my dear Watson." Jayne answered, ignoring Pavel’s comment. "Quite plainly, he’s gone mad. Quite plainly, he now has the I.Q. and brain capacity of a lemon flavoured yoghurt."

"He’s starkers you mean?" Manby asked.

"Look, we’d better ask him what’s going on, he might have seen something." Chris reasoned.

"I don’t know if you’ve noticed Chris, but this seems to be the person who now speaks Idiot as his first language." Blair said.

"In that case, Pavel, talk to him." Manby ordered, then added "Ow." as he was punched for the remark.

Pavel went over to David who had been continuing with his pacing and mad ramblings.

"David?"

"… cabbages…"

"What, has, made, you, go, cuckoo?"

"… yoghurt… melons… dreamcast… third eye… orange pants… odd sock… Bryan’s hash plant… rocket trousers… fish!…"

Pavel turned to them. "He says there’s a machine turning everyone into geeks somewhere deep inside the ride. The only draw back is, there have been some side affects…"

"Like what?" Chris asked.

Pavel turned back to David. "Eh-hem… Like, what?"

"… Mad cow! Mad cow!… chicken feet… Irish… Y.M.C.A!… yo’-mamma’s-so-fat…"

Pavel turned back to them. "In a word, super-powered zombies."

"Great. Always with the zombies!" Manby complained.

"In a word? What else did he say?" Chris asked.

"That the zombies came from an evil mutated experiment with three heads that bit them and turned them into zombies."

Manby looks a little nervous. "What kind of heads?"

Pavel frowned. "David?"

"… McNuggets… Art Deco… glaiven!… Thai fried rice… I’m-a-little-tea-pot!…"

"Miss Mann, Scott McBurney and-" (the lights flickered) "-Dr von Rhomberg."

"HOW THE HELL DID THAT ESCAPE FROM THE LAB?! I mean, whoa. Sounds evil." Manby forced a shudder, looking guilty.

After everyone except David had raised their eyebrows and stared at Manby for a while, they decided they didn’t want to know, and looked away.

Blair, taking on that slightly scary maniacal look he gets sometimes when he has a very dangerous or nasty thought in mind, turned to them in the flickering light with his arms outstretched and said "Guys, it’s up to us."

"Huh?" everyone, including David. asked.

"We are chosen by fate to stop this evil creature and cure the zombie people."

"But that might cure the NEDs!" Jayne exclaimed.

"That’s a risk we’ll have to take."

"Jeez, and you guys say I’m crazy, glaiven." David muttered.

"Come fellows," Blair continued, intoxicated by power and the thought of killing Miss Mann, McBurney and von Rhomberg in one stroke "our time has come, we march on to death or glory, ARE YOU WITH ME?!" he finished, throwing his fist in the air.

The group stared blankly.

"Oh come on! Please! Please follow me to death or glory!"

Jayne sighed. "Alright honey, but just this once."

"YAY! Manby?"

He looked from Blair to Jayne and shrugged. "Sure."

"I’m with you Blair." Pavel chimed.

"Maybe I should stay here and watch Davi-" But Manby had already covered Chris’s mouth and was dragging him along the corridor. David followed close behind, and could be heard whispering to himself or saying "Glaiven!"every now and then.

~~~ Zombie Nation ~~~

The corridor gradually got wider until four people could walk in a line. These four were Pavel, Blair, Jayne and Manby. Chris and David walked along behind. However all six jumped  and froze to the spots where they had landed when someone, or something, ran out in front of them along an adjoining corridor.

“Glaiven!” squeaked David. “Kylie’s knickers! Mo-jo Jo-jo!”

“He says that was a zombie,” Pavel whispered.

“I don’t think it saw us.” Chris said.

“That thing was friggin’ huge! I take back my plan, my plan was stupid,” But Manby grabbed Blair by the collar before he could run away.

All of them felt their hearts had stopped as they heard shuffling feet coming back along the adjoining corridor. Bryan’s head peered round at them, then disappeared. Then he stepped out into their path. If you painted him green and called him Bruce Banner, you’d swear the comic had come to life; he was wearing tattered clothes, torn by his enormous muscles, and flexing his massive muscular arms. He was basically a huge torso and humped-back with a tiny head and little beefy legs.

“Logan?!” Pavel asked incredulously.

“BLAEAEAEH!” Bryan screeched.

“God, it really is him!” Pavel observed.

“BLAEAEAEAEAEEEAEH! BLEAEAH!”

“Eh, now what?” Blair asked.

Manby took a sword from a near-by suit of armour. “Now we hope he’ll run off, ‘cause I ain’t bein’ responsible for Logan’s death, and if I’m goin’ down I’m takin’ you all with me.”

Blair and Pavel also took swords from suits of armour and glared at Bryan in an attempt to scare him.

This however, did not work “BLEAEAEAEAEAEAEAEEEH!” and he rushed at them.

They moved to the side and he hurtled down the corridor and off into the distance. They stood watching him for a while.

“… Kelsey Grammar… star trek… techno-music…”

“He says, did he mention the zombies are really dumb?”

Blair frowned. “Do you hear something?”
They listened.

“Sounds like a base line.” Manby said.

“A bad one.” Chris continued.

“That can mean only one thing,” Blair concluded, “bad dance music!”

They ventured down the corridor Bryan had come from, and at its end was a huge, circular, stone room with a towering ceiling concealed in darkness. There was a DJ zombie, not unusual in itself, but the room was filled with dancing zombies, all hideously deformed school children… apart from Pj who looked remarkably the same. There were flashing white lights illuminating the gruesome dancers and casting prancing shadows on the walls.

“Is that, Zombie Nation?” Jayne asked.

“Figures.” shrugged Manby.

“Looks like the Mardi on a Saturday night...” Blair grumbled.

“What do we do now?” Chris asked, but his question was met with his friends’ silence; no one knew.

Manby saw a door less than half way round the wall and pointed it out. “Let’s try and slip through,” he suggested, “its better than walking down that damned corridor forever.”

Having no better ideas, the others followed his lead, sticking close to the walls.

But they were soon noticed: a deformed Princess pointed to them and yelled “MAEAEAAH!”

The other zombies turned and rushed at them.

“RUN FOR IT!” Manby screamed. But they didn’t need his instruction; they perambulated as hastily as their diminutive legs could transmit them (nice use of thesaurus there, don’t ya think? J ). But Chris was too slow.

“YAAAH!” he shrieked as the zombies pilled on top of him.

Manby was about to go back for him as they reached the door, but Blair stopped him.

“Leave it, let’s go!”

They slammed the door shut behind them and leaned against it, breathing a sigh of relief… all except David that is, who sighed “Glaiven.”

They were back in a corridor, only this one has real flaming torches, more suits of armour, carpets and wall hangings, plus the walls were actually stone as opposed to cardboard. Corridors intersected each other all over the place. It would be a daunting prospect, if they weren’t lost already.

“… Fish sticks… Martine McCutcheon… Toy Story 2… pink pencil…”

“He says not to worry; Chris isn’t dead. He’ll just be turned into a zombie, and when we find the brain-washing-machine and turn it off, it’ll reverse all the effects, including the NED-nerds and the super-zombies.”

“He said all that in ‘fish sticks, Martine McCutcheon, toy story 2 and pink pencil’?” asked Manby.

“Hey, you appointed me translator. Now if you’re gonna second guess everything I say-”

“NEVER MIND! Jeez.”

“Let’s get going.” Blair decided.

~~~ Dodge Ball ~~~

It was after some heavy daundering that the gang came to a pair of huge doors. Manby and Blair pushed them open and they walked into a gigantic basketball court, complete with stands. In the centre of the room there was a box full of basketballs… and seven large zombies.

“Eeep.” yelped Blair.

One of the zombies, baring a remarkable resemblance to Rory, pushed the box towards them, perhaps in an attempt to trip up someone; it didn't  of course, and instead slid to a halt in front of Manby and Blair. They stared at it for a moment, then in perfect synchronisation, their eyes widened, they smiled, and they slowly looked at each other. They both took on a sneaky half-eyed grin once they knew the other was thinking the same thing, and looked at the zombies.

Manby picked up a ball and screamed “DODGE BALL!” then performed a perfect head shot, knocking out the Rory-zombie.

Blair and Manby proceeded to systematically knock-out a few more when Blair yelled to the others “GO FOR THE EXIT!”

They complied readily. Blair managed to bounce a ball off the floor, hit a zombie in the face, and before it fell to the ground, he used it as a boost to slam-dunk as well, landing with a triumphant smile just as the creature passed out.

“COOL!” Pavel admired. “Let me have a go!”

He picked up a near-by basket ball and threw it as hard as he could “Glaiven!” and hit David.

He was frozen in the position he had ended his throw in, looking horrified. “Oops.” He ran over to David. “David! Soutar! Speak to me!”

“… Unter… Glieben… Gloupen… Globen!” (and then he passed out)

“What did he say?” Jayne asked.

“He said to lift up your top.” (and after a scowl) “He said to leave him and turn off the brain-washing-machine in the centre of the ride; it shouldn’t be too far off, and it’s down an old mine shaft.”

“Again, that’s a lot coming from four words,”

“Hey, just let me do my job, huh? And when are you gonna lift up your top?” (slap) “Ow! Harder bitch!” he joked (*indignant* SLAP!) “Ow! Watch the hair!” (Jayne raised her hand again for another strike) “O.K! I’ll stop!”

“GUYS!” Blair was with Manby, fighting the remaining zombies back from the exit. “HURRY UP, LET’S GO!”

They ran for the exit and Manby shut it behind him. “Where’s David?”

“He uh, I uh, he fell over.”

“Fool of a Soutar! Oh well, let’s get going.”

“Actually, that’s far enough.” A stern-looking Coton stood before them with two brutish zombie bodyguards. “Yes. That is, indeed, quite far enough.”

~~~ Follow the White Rabbit ~~~

“Now you have been very naughty children,” he said to them, raising his clasped hands to his mouth and looking at them each in turn, “and I simply do not know what I am going to do with you. You’ll have to be punished for this.” There was regret in his tone. “But you see I just don’t understand. I don’t understand, why, you would be trying to disrupt my plans… oh who am I kidding! You’re foiling my evil scheme and I basically cannot stand for it. Why would you want to foil me children? I’m asking you, honestly, why?”

“Well that took him long enough to get out.” Jayne whispered to Manby, who nodded.

“I’ll tell you why,” Blair stepped forward, “because you’re turning kids into zombies-”

“Now, now, let’s discus this one point at a time: we are working, on the zombie problem, and it is a very minor problem indeed. It’s simply a side effect of the purification-”

“Of the what now?” Blair asked.

“Now, now, let me finish,” (like that won’t take forever and a day) “I was getting to that. I’ve been purifying the school’s pupils; can’t let a few bad apples spoil the whole orchard now can we?”

“You’re brain-washing the NEDs?”

“NEDs? Why, yes, I suppose I am. You see, since that mosquito bite in Africa, have I told you all that story?-”

“YES!” they assured, trying to hurry him up.

“Well, since then, I’ve seen more clearly; what hasn’t killed me has made me stronger. And all I want is for all students to be forced an equal chance, is that not fair of me? You see, god has come to me, and there are far too many not following his will who must be made to see the light of his divinity and-”

“TIME OUT!” Everyone including Coton jumped at Jayne’s outburst. “I’ll go along with your stupid, double-standard, one-way-system, I’ll go along with what you view as ‘health food’, I’ll go along with most of your hair-brain ideas, and it’s about time someone invested in the brain-washing and cattle-prodding of NEDs, and I’ll even smile when you ask me how I am and answer semi-honestly when you probe me with ‘what should be done about uniform?’s, BUT I WILL NOT GO ALONG WITH SOME JESUS-FREAK TRYING TO CONVERT US ALL!!!”

Blair leapt back and Manby hid behind him and even Pavel looked shocked. Coton even looked a little scared.

“Goddess Eoestre, do thy will!” With an impressive Dark-Willow-like show of power, Jayne lifted Coton from the ground using bolts of energy sparking from her hands. She whirled him round in circles before finally, in a blinding flash, turning him into a fluffy floppy-eared white bunny-rabbit.

“Aw, he’s so cute!” Blair squeaked.

Jayne dusted off her hands and Manby said “That’ll teach him to tangle with Dark-jj.”

“Yup! Remember this next time you annoy me.” Jayne agreed, looking side-ways at Pavel who gulped.

“Who’s Eoestre?” Blair asked.

“Goddess of spring. Rules rabbits and hares.”

“Cool.” Blair nodded in approval.

“What happened to the zombies?” Jayne asked.

“They’re here.” Manby leaned against two bound and gagged zombies. “I think my work is done here.” One bit his leg. “Ow! … Awh, this bites...” He passed out.

“Oh for the love of-! Let’s go. Wait…” Blair flicked through the script. “How did it manage to bit him if it was gagged?”

“He um… It eh… Plot hole,” shrugged Jayne.

Blair noticed Coton hopping away around a corner. He frowned and followed him. Coton was soon hopping down a mine shaft. “Oh well, follow the white rabbit.” And Blair led them, with Pavel’s lighter, down into the dark.

~~~ Landslide ~~~

“This is worse than the coal pit at Coaltbridge and that trench in Belgium put together.” Jayne whispered from behind.

“I hear ya, babe,” Blair agreed, “at least we knew where we were going then.”

“You know Craig tried to get me to go down that trench again! I’m sorry but he’s not cute enough to make me go through that voluntarily.”

“You didn’t need to put that in this story you know.” Blair said.

“Hey, it’s a long, dark, scary, uneventful tunnel and it reminded me of Belgium. I’m just tryin’ to pass the time.”

“Trying to piss me off more like.”

“For your information, Blair, in Manby’s stories he’s dumb, in mine I’m a slut; do you have a problem with this?”

“O.K. I love you, I’ll shut up.”

"Awh! No, don't, I'm sorry, I'll shut up."

“Both of you shut-up,” Pavel mumbled.

“Hey, the ground’s levelling out, and I see more of those torch thingies. Good timing jj.”

“Isn’t it just?”

The three entered a tunnel supported by wooden props and lit by torches.

“This doesn’t look too stable.” Pavel commented.

Just then they heard a rumbling and sediment started to fall.

“You just had to jinx it, didn’t you?” Jayne said just before the ceiling above her caved in.

“JJ!” Blair called after the dust had settled.

“I’m O.K. You two go on.”

“I’ll move the rubble, you go.” Pavel told him.

Blair was reluctant, but a second cave in (or for the purposes of this above named chapter, another 'landslide') separated him and Pavel “Dammit!” and he was forced to go on alone.

He walked further down the tunnel for a while before coming to a dead end. On the wall in front of him was a switch labelled ‘Brain-Washing-Machine. Keep switched on at all times.’

He shrugged and reached up to switch it to off, when he asked himself “Do I really wanna cure the NEDs?” and his hand hovered over the switch.

He heard scuffling and groaning and turned around to see at least a dozen zombies closing in on him.

“YEAH I DO!” He flicked the switch and covered his ears as a deafening ringing filled the air, then ceased. When he turned around, everyone was back to normal, moaning and rubbing their heads, sitting on the ground. Manby, Jayne, Pavel, David and Chris were all there.

Blair walked up to them and said cheerily “Hey guys, ‘sup?”

They merely groaned and looked up at him, dazed.

Suddenly, gopher came running up. He had a nasty-looking gash on his arm and was dragging a broadsword, presumably from one of the suits of armour.

“Craig! Where’ve you been?!”

“Slaying the evil three-headed zombie monster.”

"YOU KILLED FLUFFY?! I mean, eh-hem, woo gopher." Manby giggled nervously.

Craig and Blair looked at each other and shrugged.

“Let’s get everyone back outside.” Craig said.

~~~ The Road Home ~~~

“What are you gonna call him?” Craig asked from over the seat in front of Jayne.

“I think Fluffy, he looks like a Fluffy right?” she answered, cradling the rabbit in her lap.

They were all back on the bus, heading back for Monifieth ‘Hell-Hole’ High, deciding Coton’s fate.

“But you know,” Jayne began, “I haven’t had rabbit stew in quite a while…” The rabbit struggled and squirmed. “Oh don’t worry Mr Coton. Be a good boy and I’ll see if I can’t reverse the spell, huh? Whoooo’s Fluffy?! You are! You are!”

“I think that’s enough torture for now jj,” Manby said from the seat across the isle from Jayne, and all eyes turned on him. “…What am I saying?! Who’s a fluffy bunny?! Who’s a fluffy boy?! You are! Oh yes you are!” (and he continued)

“I can’t believe after all that we still have NEDs.” Holly said from beside Jayne.

“Oh they’re scared shitless since they’ve been turned back though.” Blair said, appearing over the seat next to Craig. “I think that look into an academic life terrified them. Those I’ve talked to have informed me they’re leaving school at the nearest convenience, not that most weren’t anyway, and they’ll never cross a teacher again.”

“Ha, Coton’s not so scary.” Craig said, and petted the rabbit… before it bit him “Ow.” and he regarded the rabbit carefully.

“Now Mr Coton, remember what we said about stew.” Jayne reminded, and the rabbit lowered its head in apology.

“This has been a great trip.” Blair smiled.

“Oh yeah, YOU didn’t get turned into a zombie!” Kirsten said, sitting beside David, behind Holly and Jayne.

“Right, what was that like?”

“Eh, not bad,” David shrugged.

“Free dental, super-strength, salad-bar privileges.” Chris went on, sitting beside Manby behind Bryan and Pavel (and yes I’m attempting to confuse you with the annoying and constant reference to seating).

“And, I got to decapitate McBurney, Miss Mann AND Dr von Rhomberg.” Craig beamed.

“YOU WHAT?! YOU FOOL! DECAPITATION WILL ONLY INCREASE ITS SIZE! I mean I said nothing.”

Everyone looked at each other, then at Manby, then a giant Godzilla-like creature with the three fore-mentioned heads stepped out in front of their bus which screeched to a halt.

“Rrrright.” Blair said after a pause. “… Who’s up for another death-or-glory adventure?”

THE END