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| H |
“As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.” -Hagar the Horrible
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.” –Jack Handey
“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.’” -Jack Handey
“Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.” -Sidney J. Harris
“I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.” - tephen Hawking
“A sketch has charm because of its truth -- not because it is unfinished.” -Charles Hawthorne
“There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.” -Woody Hayes
“Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.” -William Hazlitt
“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.” -Mitch Hedberg, Mitch All Together
"If you are flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit." -Mitch Hedberg
“Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.” -Robert Heinlein, Time Enough For Love
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” - Robert A. Heinlein
“Do sober what you said you would do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” –Ernest Hemmingway
“Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.” –Jimi Hendrix
“We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.” -Buck Henry
“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is a part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.” -Hermann Hesse
“Knowledge can be communicated but not wisdom.” -Herman Hesse
"If you obey all the rules, you'll miss all the fun." -Katherine Hepburn
“A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.” -Granville Hicks
"So tell me, what’s it like to live in a constant haze of stupidity?" –Hiei (Yu Yu Hakusho)
"You’re a team player. A save the day super hero. I hate people like you." –Hiei (Yu Yu Hakusho)
"There is no one who does not have scars on his heart. If there were someone like that he would be a shallow bastard." – Hiei (YYH-movie)
"A warrior stays to fight...even when the hope has left." Hiei
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex—but Congress can. -Cullen Hightower
“Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know.” -Cullen Hightower
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.” -Cullen Hightower
“Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions.” -Cullen Hightower
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies." -Gene Hill
"TV has brought murder back into the home where it belongs." -Alfred Hitchcock
"Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength." -Eric Hoffer
“We feel free when we escape - even if it be but from the frying pan into the fire.” -Eric Hoffer
“You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists.” - Abbie Hoffman
"Speech is conveniently located midway between thought and action, where it often substitutes for both." -John Andrew Holmes
“A person’s mind stretched to new ideas never goes back to its original dimensions.” –Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
“To really enjoy the better things in life, one must first have experienced the things they are better than.” -Oscar Holmolka
“There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead.” -Arthur Honegger
“People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.” -Bob Hope
“He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.” - Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus)
“To escape criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." -Elbert Hubbard
“Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.” -Elbert Hubbard
“The greatest mistake in life is continually fearing you will make one.”-Elbert Hubbard
"Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation." -Kin Hubbard
"There is a basin in the mind where words float around on thought and thought on sound and sight. Then there is a depth of thought untouched by words, and deeper still a gulf of formless feelings untouched by thought." -Zora Neale Hurston
"Irrationally held truths may be more harmful than reasoned errors." -Thomas H. Huxley
“If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?” -Thomas Henry Huxley |
| I |
"Motivation is everything. You can do the work of two people, but you can't be two people. Instead, you have to inspire the next guy down the line and get him to inspire his people." -Lee Iacocca
“It is inexcusable for scientists to torture animals; let them make their experiments on journalists and politicians.” -Henrik Ibsen
“Many paths lead up the mountain, but at the top we all look at the same bright moon.” – Ikkyu
“Music expresses feeling and thought, without language; it was below and before speech, and it is above and beyond all words.” -Robert G. Ingersoll
“May you always have walls for the winds, a roof for the rain, tea beside the fire, laughter to cheer you, those you love near you and all your heart might desire.” -Irish Blessing
“We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they’re called memories. Some take us forward, they’re called dreams.” –Jeremy Irons
“Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.” -Italian Proverb
“Since the house is on fire, let us warm ourselves.” -Italian Proverb
“Dissent is what rescues democracy from a quiet death behind closed doors” - Molly Ivans |
| J |
“Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice.” -George Jackson
“The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.” -J. Jacques, Questionable Content webcomic, #478, 10-27-05
"There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers." -William James
“Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” -William James (1842-1910)
“Whenever you do a thing, act as if the whole world were watching.” –Thomas Jefferson
“A blessed companion is a book, - a book that, fitly chosen, is a lifelong friend...a book that, at a touch, pours its heart into our own.” -Douglas Jerrold
“It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.” -Jerome K. Jerome
“The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” -George Jessel
"Watch your back, you never know when someone will put a knife in it." –Jigoku Inu
“You can collar me, but you can’t break me.” -Jigoku Inu
“May no crosswinds bar your path.” –Jigoku Inu
"I can always find someone to sympathize. But I don’t want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies." –Billy Joel
"You can speak your mind, but not on my time." – Billy Joel, "My Life"
“I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, ‘cus sinners have much more fun. Darlin’ only the good die young.” –Billy Joel, “Only the Good Die Young”
“Language most shows a man; speak that I may see thee” -Ben Johnson
“Architecture is the art of how to waste space.” -Philip Johnson
"Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful." -Samuel Johnson
“What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.” -Samuel Johnson
“We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us.” -Dr. Samuel Johnson
"Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success - yours or his." -Franklin P. Jones, Saturday Evening Post, November 29, 1953
“Nowhere on your birth certificate did it say life would be fair.” -Trevor Jones
“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.” -Erica Jong
"When you go in search of honey you must expect to be stung by bees." -Joseph Joubert
"Some people take the road less traveled... I'd rather just cut through the woods." -Oregon Joyce
“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year’s course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” -Carl Jung
“Fortune can, for her pleasure, fools advance, And toss them on the wheels of Chance.” –Juvenal |
| K |
“The creation of art is not the fulfillment of a need but the creation of a need. The world never needed Beethoven's Fifth Symphony until he created it. Now we could not live without it.” -Louis I. Kahn
“For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.” -Alice Kahn
“I always view problems as opportunities in work clothes.” –Henry Kaiser
"If life gives you lemons, make grapefruit juice and sit back and let them wonder how you did it." –Katherine
“Never insult a writer. You could wind up being immortalized in ways you may not appreciate.” -Garrison Keillor
“One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.” –Helen Keller
"No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit." -Helen Keller
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” -Helen Keller
“The highest result of education is tolerance.” -Helen Keller
"He who angers you conquers you." -Elizabeth Kenny
“Forgive your enemies, but never, never forget their names.” -John F. Kennedy
"A sword is a weapon. The art of swordsmanship is the art of death. That is the truth." –Kenshin (Rurouni Kenshin)
"You can die at any time, but it takes true courage to live." –Kenshin
"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us." -Alan Kent
"He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr
“No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy, even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending solely on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength.” -Jack Kerouac
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." -Soren Kierkegaard
“People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.” -Soren Kierkegaard
“Champions take responsibility. When the ball is coming over the net, you can be sure I want the ball.” –Billie Jean King
“It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important.” –Martin Luther King Jr.
“After his life was ruined, his family killed, and his farm destroyed, Job knelt on the ground and shouted up to heaven, “Why God? Why me?” And the thunderous voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’” –Stephan King
“Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.” -Henry Kissinger
“No one will win the battle of the sexes; there is too much flirting with the enemy.” -Henry Kissinger
"The good news is that you may have created my past and screwed up my present but you have no control over my future." -David Klass
“To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep.” -Joan Klempner
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare to die." -Klingon Proverb, Star Trek
“Hey, if you want to go around thinking there's some guy watching your every move, have at it. More power to you. I'm not going to stop you. But it's the people who proselytize...and argue against logic...damned if reality isn't way cooler than the Bible.” –Konsumbrot
"There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking." -Alfred Korzybski
“Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.” - Maggie Kuhn
“To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring - it was peace.” -Milan Kundera
"Never trust a person who doesn't have nose prints on the car windows." -Denise Kunsel |
| L |
"The fearless are merely fearless. People who act in spite of their fear are truly brave." -James A. LaFond-Lewis, November 11, 1999
“The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” -Ann Landers
"Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible." -Doug Larson
“Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.” -Doug Larson
“Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.” -Christopher Lasch
“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.” -Thomas Edward Lawrence
"To light a candle is to cast a shadow." -Ursula K. Le
“I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.” -Stephen Leacock
“Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.” -Frank Leahy
“Women who seek to be equal to men, lack ambition.”-Timothy Leary
“The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.” -Fran Lebowitz
"You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J. Lec
“Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.” -John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
“The essential joy of being with horses is that it brings us in contact with the rare elements of grace, beauty, spirit, and fire.” -Sharon Ralls Lemon
“The joy of the spirit is the measure of its power.” -Ninon de Lenclos
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France either." -Jay Leno
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard
“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” -Barry LePatner
“When you choose the lesser of two evils, always remember that it is still an evil.” –Max Lerner
“A heretic is a man who sees with his own eyes.” -Gotthold Ephraim Lessing
“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.” -Oscar Levant
“Don’t watch the clock. Do what it does. Keep going.” –Sam Levenson
“It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'” -Sam Levenson
“I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.” -Richard Lewis
"Politicians are lying thieves." -Liana
"I have common sense, just not for common things." –Liana
"Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together." -Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
"First there is a time when we believe everything, then for a little while we believe with discrimination, then we believe nothing whatever, and then we believe everything again - and, moreover, give reasons why we believe." -Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
“There are people who think that everything one does with a serious face is sensible.” -Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
"'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." -Abraham Lincoln, (attributed)
"When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion." -Abraham Lincoln, (attributed)
"Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing." -Abraham Lincoln
"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." -Abraham Lincoln
“What a commentary on civilization, when being alone is being suspect; when one has to apologize for it, make excuses, hide the fact that one practices it - like a secret vice.” -Anne Morrow Lindbergh
"Why do I get the feeling that one day I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?" -Lisa (The Simpsons)
“Leaders aren't born, they are made. And they are made just like anything else, through hard work. And that's the price we'll have to pay to achieve that goal, or any goal.”-Vince Lombard
“Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.” -Janet Long
“The heights by great men reached and kept; Were not obtained by sudden flight; But they, while their companions slept; Were toiling upward in the night.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“When pride and presumption walk before......shame and loss follow very closely...” –Louis XI
“Reputation is only a candle, of wavering and uncertain flame, and easily blown out, but it is the light by which the world looks for and finds merit.” -James Russell Lowell
”No matter how dark the night, the morning always comes.” -Lulu (Final Fantasy X)
"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved." -J. Russel Lynes |
| M |
"It was a book to kill time for those who like it better dead." -Dame Rose Macaulay
“You were born to win-but you must plan to win, prepare to win, then you can expect to win.” –Harvey MacKay
"The only reason to ever smile is to mock someone. For example, when someone trips and falls; I laugh my ass off because that's some good shit. There's nothing more satisfying than making someone feel bad about themselves. Of course, there's always a group of pussies that run up and say 'are you okay? Are you hurt?' Go to hell you insincere pieces of shit." -Maddox
"We are alone, absolutely alone on this chance planet: and, amid all the forms of life that surround us, not one, excepting the dog, has made an alliance with us." -Maurice Maeterlinck
"Over specialize, and you breed in weakness." -Major (Ghost in the Shell)
“A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.” –Erin Majors
“Tis an ill wind that blows no minds.” -Malaclypse the Younger
“The only people with whom you should try to get even, are those who have helped you.” –May Maloo
“The greatest mystery is not that we have been flung at random between the profusion of matter and of the stars, but that within this prison we can draw from ourselves images powerful enough to deny our nothingness.” -Andre Malraux
“I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply ALL my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy.” - Og Mandino
"I fear being like everyone I hate, I fear failure, I fear losing control. I love balancing between chaos and control with everything I do. I always have a fear of going one way or another, getting lost in something, or losing everything to get lost in. And I fear being a completely acceptable sheep in society." -Marilyn Manson
“He who praises you for what you lack wishes to take from you what you have.” -Don Juan Manuel
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday." -Don Marquis
"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you." -Don Marquis
"Man has to suffer. When he has no real afflictions, he invents some." -Jose Marti
“I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, ‘Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.’” -Demetri Martin
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made." -Groucho Marx
"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER." -Groucho Marx
“Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form.” -Karl Marx
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." -Jackie Mason
"Even when hope and science fail, art survives..." -Janet Maslin, New York Times.
"Some people have so much respect for their superiors they have none left for themselves." -Peter McArthur
"Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'." -Michael McClary
"Compromise, if not the spice of life, is its solidity." –Phyllis McGinley
"The reason most major goals are not achieved is that we spend our time doing second things first." –Robert J. McKain
"No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why." -Mignon McLaughlin
"The human mind treats a new idea the same way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it." -P. B. Medawar
"It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation." -Herman Melville
"Criticism is a prejudice made plausible." -Henry Louis Mencken
"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking." -H.L. Mencken
"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." -H.L. Mencken.
“Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.” -H. L. Mencken
“Freedom means choosing your burden.” -Hephzibah Menuhin
“Trust that little voice in your head that says 'Wouldn't it be interesting if...' And then do it.” -Duane Michals
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." -Michelangelo
"Slow and steady wins the race, then wastes no time grinding salt-caked glass in your open wounds." -Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive Comic, 11-06-05
"No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our lives are made. Destiny is made known silently." -Agnes de Mille
"Xenophobia doesn’t benefit anybody unless you’re playing high-stakes Scrabble." –Dennis Miller
"Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?" -Spike Milligan, from "The Goon Show"
"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries." -A. A. Milne
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." -Alan Minter(boxer)
"Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up." -Wilson Mizner
“Don't be ashamed to say what you are not ashamed to think.” -Michel de Montaigne
"Throughout history the world has been laid to waste to ensure the triumph of conceptions that are now as dead as the men that died for them." -Henry de Montherlant
"The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it." -Dudley Moore
“You can’t be an exclusive cannibal. Entropy wins eventually.” – Dr. Moran
"Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity." -Christopher Morley
"I don't remember using teleportation, but there I was. Alone. Naked." -Morrowind
"God has cared for these trees, saved them from drought, disease, avalanches, and a thousand tempests and floods. But he cannot save them from fools." -John Muir
"Running away from danger may not be heroic, but it sure is practical." – Myouga (Inuyasha) |
| N |
"Nothing fails like success." -Gerald Nachman
“People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.” -Ogden Nash
“Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.” -Ogden Nash
“A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.” -Ogden Nash
"The glow of inspiration warms us; it is a holy rapture." -Publius Ovidius NasoOvid
"Fall not in love, therefore; it will stick to your face." -National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
“A certain amount of opposition is a great help to a man. Kites rise against, not with the wind.” -John Neal
“Fortune does not change men, it unmasks them.” -Suzanne Necker
"Of those who say nothing, few are silent." -Thomas Neill
“People forget how fast you did a job-but they remember how well you did it.” -Howard Newton
"If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." -Isaac Newton, Letter to Robert Hooke, February 5, 1675
“I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the sea-shore, and diverting myself in finding a smoother pebble or prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me.” - Sir Isaac Newton, "Sir Issac Newton's Epitaph"
“Insanity in individuals is something rare-but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.” -Friedrich Nietzsche
"In heaven all the interesting people are missing." – Nietzsche
“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” –Anais Nin
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” -Anais Nin
“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.” -Henri Nouwen |
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