So you want to know what your future holds?

Well, you're going to get all fat and wrinkly and you'll always tell people how much harder things were when you were a kid....

....Oh.  You wanted to know what was going to happen between now and then.  In that case, let's use Crazy Spooky Weirdness to find out.

The Zodiac

What's your astrological sign?  Look up your sign and discover what you're all about, because nobody knows more about you than some dumb Happy Bunny, right?

Aries

The Ram

March 21 to April 20

YOU are confident, enthusiastic, courageous.

OTHER Aries are selfish, impulsive, and foolhardy.  I wouldn't be surprised to hear that they're jealous of you and are quite possibly plotting something against you.  That would be so like them.

LIKES Challenges, winning, and people willing to ignore that thing you do that you think nobody knows about. (We know.)

DISLIKES  Losing, waiting around and being hit in the face with a shovel.  It may not have happened to you yet, but trust me: You aren't going to like it.

RULING COLOR:  Red

RULING PLANET: Mars

RULING LUNCH MEAT:  Pepperoni

Tarus

The Bull

April 21 to May 21

YOU are reliable, patient and determined.

OTHER Tauruses are stubborn, self-indulgent and jealous and they'll probably do a little jail time sooner or later.

LIKES Nature, relaxation, and being left alone to do their own thing, which they sometimes do on the lawn.

DISLIKES  Being rushed, being pushed around, Mad Cow Disease, and those rodeo guys that hop on your back and just won't get off until you go nuts and trample on them a bit.

RULING COLOR: Pink

RULING PLANET: Venus

RULING LUNCH MEAT: Roast Beef

THE TAURUS METHOD:

Pick up the television remote control and quickly press three buttons at random.  Whatever comes on the TV screen holds a secret message for you.

For instance, if a car commercial comes on, maybe you're going on an exciting trip, or you're going to win a car in a contest.  Or most likely means you're going to get run over.

Gemini

The Twins

May 22 to June 21

YOU  are lively, curious and witty.

OTHER  Geminis are nosy, twitchy big mouths, and like many other twins, there are twice as many as we probably need.

LIKES  Gossip, variety, and reading.  And since you're a Gemini, you might like gossipping with yourself.

DISLIKES   Messes, pushy people, and dry frizzy hair with no bounce, vitality, or sparking sheen.  Also war.

RULING COLOR: GREEN

RULING PLANET: MERCURY

RULING LUNCH MEAT: BOLOGNA

THE GEMINI METHOD

Write your question on a piece of paper and put it under your pillow when you go to bed.  While you sleep, you'll have a dream that will answer your question.  Let's say you have a really weird dream like you went to the mall in your underwear adn met a talking porcupine playinga a banjo.  Don't be alarmed.  This merely means that you wrote a really weird question.

CANCER

THE CRAB

JUNE 22 TO JULY 22

YOU  are imaginative, intuitive, and protective.

OTHER  Cancers are moody, touchy, and much too emotional.  Plus, let's face it, they're not that happy that their sign is called Cancer

LIKES  Privacy, hobbies and pinching people.

DISLIKES  Being told what to do, failing, and the dumb astrology people that won't change the name of this sign to some thing more cheerful.  How about "Pinchy the Crab"?

RULING COLOR: SILVER

RULING PLANET: MOON

RULING LUNCHMEAT: HAM

THE CANCER METHOD

Think of your question and go into a very crowded place where a lot of peopel are talking.  Listen carefully to the chatter and you will begin to recognize certain words here and there.  These words will provide and answer to your question.

Hint: Don't go into a crowd of huge morons.

Leo

The Lion

July 23 to August 22

YOU  are creative, enthusiastic, and generous.

OTHER  Leos are bossy, mean and think they are so cool just because trhey get to be lions and not one of the creepy signs of the zodiac.

LIKES  Luxury, drama, and attacking.

DISLIKES  Mean people, ordinary stuff and conditioners that leave your mane unmanageable.

RULING COLOR: GOLD

RULING PLANET:  THE SUN

RULING LUNCH MEAT:  PASTRAMI

THE LEO METHOD:

Take any kind of small balls, like gumballs, or candy, or balls you make out of modeling clay.  Then write the following on one of each:

YES, NO, MAYBE, ASK AGAIN, STOP ASKING...

Put all the balls in a  bowl.*  Ask your question and swirl the balls around the bowl until just one pops out.  That ball holds your answer.

*Cereal Bowl: OKAY, Toilet Bowl: NOT OKAY

Virgo

The Virgin

August 23 to September 23

YOU are intelligent, reliable, and diligent.

OTHER  Virgos are fussy, critical worry-warts, and lots of the ones that are guys are not that happy that their sign is a girl so they lie and say they're Leos.

You know what?  Let's fix this right now.  From now on, a man Virgo is called a Mango, and that is final.

LIKES  Books, details, and telling people that  their sign is a pretty girl.  (Mangos, you can start telling people that your sign is a bulldog or piranha or something tough like that).

DISLIKES  Messes, pushy people, and dry frizzy hair with no bounce, vitality, or sparkling sheen.  Also war.

RULING COLOR: LIGHT GREEN

RULING PLANET: MERCURY

RULING LUNCH MEAT: TURKEY

MAKE THE STUPID PEOPLE SHUT UP.

THE VIRGO METHOD:

Get an apple with a stem on it.  Ask the apple a question.  Ask something like "Who has a crush on me?"  Twist the stem once each time as you recite letters in the alphabet.

The stem will come off on the letter that begins the first name of the person who is madly in crush with you.

NOTE: If you want your crush to be somebody named Zelda or Zach, twist the stem very gently.

LIBRA

The Scales

September 24 to October 23

YOU  are charming, romantic, and friendly.

OTHER  Libras are gullible, indecisive, and easily influenced.

                                     Or maybe they aren't.

                                         Or maybe they are.

                                              I can't decide.

                                                 What do you think?

                                                    Okay, whatever you say.

LIKES  Sharing, parties, and seesaws.  Unless you think they shouldn't.  Do you think they should like these things?  I just can't decide.

DISLIKES  Violence, meanness, and injustice.  Also, even though Libras are scales, they don't like it when people stand on them and ask how much they weigh.

RULING COLOR: BLUE

RULING PLANET: VENUS

RULING LUNCH MEAT: CORNED BEEF

THE LIBRA METHOD:

Ask a pair of dice a question, and roll one.  Each number has a traditional meaning:

1:  Yes, but be careful.

2:  Work on it

3:  Yes, Yes, YES!

4:  No, No, NO!

5:  Probably, but not for sure.

6:  The answer is unknown.

Do NOT under any circumstances, ask the dice the same question more than once.

Do you know how much that bugs people?

Do you know how much that bugs people?

Do you know how much that bugs people?

SCORPIO

The Scorpion

October 24 to November 22

YOU  are determined, intuitive, and passionate.

OTHER   Scorpios are secretive, resentful, and stubborn.  And believe me, they were not happy to hear that you were described so nicely.  I'm sure that they're scheming against you.  Peek out the window.  They're hiding out there somewhere, right now.

LIKES  Challenges, meaningful work, and being allowed to exercise their skills.  And let's be honest, look at those claws.  Scorpios really like pinching people.

DISLIKES  Being taken advantage of, insincerity, and getting slapped right after the pinching.  C'mon, nobody gets mad when a Libra weighs something.  If you don't want to get pinched, don't come around acting all pinchable and everything.

RULING COLOR: DARK RED

RULING PLANET: PLUTO

RULING LUNCH MEAT: OLIVE LOAF

THE SCORPIO METHOD:

This method of divination is known as scrying.  Fill a dark-colored bowl with water.  Sitting alone, in a quiet room, relax, and stare intently into the water while you think about what you want to know about your future.  With practice, you may begin to "see" the answers in the bowl.

NOTE that if you get to relaxed, you may slump over into the bowl and drown, which could damage your future somewhat.

SAGITARIUS

The Archer

November 23 to December 21

YOU are honest, optimistic, and savvy.

OTHER  Sagitarians are careless, blunt, and irresponsible.  Also, those other Sagitarians are not terribly welcome at parties--shooting arrows everywhere and clomping around, always asking for hay sandwiches and apologizing the next day for pooping on the lawn.

LIKES  Traveling, freedom, and having a person head and a horse body instead of the other way around.

DISLIKES  Standing around, fussy people, and huge slobs that always want a horsey-back ride.

RULING COLOR: PURPLE

RULING PLANET: PLUTO

RULING LUNCH MEAT: OATS

HOW A SAGITARIUS SEES THE WORLD

I JUST REALIZED.  I DON'T CARE.

THE SAGITARIUS METHOD

People do this with tea leaves, but you might find it works just as well with the yuck left at the bottom of a cup of hot chocolate.  Think about your future as you drink your hot chocolate.  When it's almost gone, swirl the cup three times with your left hand and dump it outl.  Now look for shapes in the yuck that remains in the cup.

If you see a heart, it could mean love in your future.  If you see a dagger, it might mean an enemy in your future.  If you see a dead fly, it may mean you'll be getting your hot chocolate someplace else in the future.

CAPRICORN

The Goat

December 22 to January 20

YOU  are ambitious, careful and successful.

OTHER  Capricorns are gloomy cheap-skates that carry grudges, which is odd because goats are so lovable, right?  Who doesn't like that tangy smell and those crazy goat eyes?

LIKES  People that know what they're talking about, reliability, and people who like kidding around.  (That's right, "kidding" is a goat joke.  But I promise it's the last one.)

DISLIKES  Ridicule, wasting time, and people that try to make you feel baaaaaaaaaaaaad about yourself.

RULING COLOR: BROWN

RULING PLANET: SATURN

RULING LUNCH MEAT: HONEY HAM

THE CAPRICORN METHOD

Ask your  next can of soda a question, like "Who stole my porcupine?"  Then rock the tab back and forth as you say the alphabet.  Whichever letter the tab breaks on is the first letter of the name.  So, if it breaks on "D" it could be somebody named Danny or Debbie.

If you're hoping for a letter way down the alphabet, like a "V" or even an "L", the tab is going to break long before you get there, which means that the people with those names just don't steal porcupines and never, ever, ever will.  Never, ever.

AQUARIUS

The Water Carrier

January 21 to February 19

 YOU  are friendly, honest, and smart.

OTHER  Aquarians are unpredictable, contrary, and love to argue.  But you probably don't agree with that and want to argue about it, right?  Well, you're wrong.  Are too.  Are too.  Are too infinity times.

LIKES  Making friends, parties, and reminding people that "water carrier" is not the same as "waitress".

DISLIKES   Being lonely, lies, and doing the same old thing all of the time.  This is one of the things that makes Aquarians so unique, right?  Because everybody just loves being lonely, bored and lied to.

RULING COLOR: TURQUOISE

RULING PLANET: URANUS (No Laughing)

RULING LUNCH MEAT: Spaghetti

THE AQUARIUS METHOD:

Close your eyes and think about what you want to know.  Then open your eyes and look up at the clouds, searching for shapes that might hold a clue.

If you see coins in the cloud shapes, that might suggest unexpected money coming your way.  A flower in the sky might suggest unexpected love coming your way.  A flock of geese might suggest an unexpected shower of bird poop coming your way.  Hey, nobody ever said Crazy Spooky Weirdness wasn't icky.

 PISCES

The Fish

February 20 to March 20

YOU  are imaginative, generous, and nice.

OTHER Pisces are spacey and easily talked into things.  It's like how fish will bite a rubber worm with huge pointy hooks poking out the sides.  The other Pisces are like that.  No wonder they want to be vague about it.  I wouldn't tell anybody I bit fake worms, either.

LIKES  Spending time alone, dreaming, and tartar sauce.

DISLIKES  Being criticized, know-it-alls, and those people that talk during movies right when you're trying to hear the best part.  (You know who I mean, right?  I mean all of the other signs of the zodiac.)

RULING COLOR: AQUA

RULING PLANET: NEPTUNE

RULING LUNCH MEAT: TUNA

THE PISCES METHOD:

Write the following words on slips of paper:

YES, NO, MAYBE, IT CAN'T BE ANSWERED, PROBABLY, PROBABLY NOT.

Put the papers into a bag and then ask a question.  Fish around in the bag and pull out one slip of paper.  Never, ask the same question again.  This will upset the universe, and  when you wake up tomorrow you'll talk exactly like your parents.  Don't believe me?  Holy Smokes!  You're starting to sound like them already!

OKAY, SO THATS THIRTEEN DIFFERENT SPOOKY METHODS OF DIVINATION YOU CAN USE TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS, PLUS THE ZODIAC.

TIME TO LOOK WITHIN:  Some people say that hte only way you can really learn your future is to look inside yourself. 

(Note: Most people use a mirror to look inside themselves.)

If YOUR VIBE is:  "Everything in the whole wide world is just totally stupid."

ThenYOUR DESTINY is:  Nothing makes the Whole Wide World as angry as being called stupd and it will get you back.

If your VIBE IS: "I do what I want to, when I want to."

Then your destiny is: It's kind of funny that this vibe will probably land you in jail, where you'll never get to do what you want to, when you want to.

If YOUR VIBE is:  "I love the whole world and everybody in it."

Then YOUR DESTINY is: You will probably get conned out of every dime you have.

If YOUR VIBE is: "You mind your own business and I'll mind mine."

Then YOUR DESTINY is: You may not win any medals with this vibe, but the popel around you will totally appreciate it.

If YOUR VIBE is: "If you always do the right thing, good things will happen for you."

Then YOUR DESTINY is: Sometimes.  But perfectly ghastly things happen to good people all the time, so, no guarantees.

If YOUR VIBE is: "I just want to be rich, and happy, and famous, and beautiful."

Then YOUR DESTINY is: If this truly is your vibe, you'll probably schieve at least one out of the four.  (BUT be careful, only one of them is really any good.)

In the end, no matter what, it's important to remember that even if you can't change your destiny or future, you can always change your name to Destiny and make up exotic things about your past....And that's probably almost as much fun.

Have fun with your lives peoples!