LOVING RELATIONSHIPS – VITAL INGREDIENTS
What are the most important elements required to nurture a loving relationship? Many people believe relationships are complicated, and they can be. However, there are also people who believe a relationship is simple and complications should not occur. Perhaps in an ideal world this would be so; but we do not live in ideal world. Pain and suffering is society’s norm and negative thinking is addictive. However, it doesn’t have to be this way.
We are constantly searching for answers to relationship problems and relationships in general. A great deal of that searching involves us reading a lot of self-help material, talking to friends, family members and professional relationship counselors to find an answer or answers as the case may be. Truthfully though, we would all like a simple answer to some of our questions regarding love and relationships and as my research for this article has proved, simple answers don’t come from doing the things above. In carrying out my research to write this article I found myself becoming more and more confused and frustrated hence, the reason for this article. To be fair, I did find some of the research I did to be very helpful in writing this article. I am also aware that writing this article will not provide all the answers, but it just might give us another way of looking at things. Reading one hundred books will certainly not give us all of the answers either.
In this article, I hope to provide some straight forward simple answers to all couples who are dissatisfied in their relationships, by outlining the critical elements needed for a healthy loving relationship and defining what these elements mean. I will conclude with a straight-forward, no nonsense list of basic do’s and don’ts.
The eight major elements that I believe are essential to any loving relationship are:
You’re probably wondering why this list of elements does not include sex. Sex is extremely important for a loving relationship to grow and thrive, however sex does not stand alone, sex is a part of love, intimacy, connection, communication and commitment. Below is an outline of each relationship element that is vital to a loving, committed relationship.
Love: Love is an unconditional and healthy concern for the well-being of another person. Put simply, if you really love someone, your concern for that person has to be unconditional – you give your love without requiring anything in return. The only limit to love is that you love yourself to a similar degree otherwise it is not really love. Love is something that we do, not possess. The word love is a verb, not a noun. If our behaviour, actions and words do not show love, then it’s time for action.
Love is about support, understanding, forgiveness, kindness, joy and much, much more. Love is the glue that holds a relationship together. True love in action is acceptance. Perhaps love simply cannot be defined. Perhaps we need to experience it for ourselves.
Friendship: Friendship is the foundation that the relationship is built on. If you cannot be friends then there is little chance of the relationship surviving. I have met a few couples who say it is impossible to be friends with their partners. How can you not be friends with your partner? When a relationship begins, the first thing that is created is the friendship between you. The mutual acceptance of each other for who you both are and as the love starts to develop, so does the unconditional devotion and love for each other. Friendship is not conditional.
Honesty and Trust: A relationship is built on trust and honesty, if we cannot trust our partners then there is little point in being in the relationship; that much is obvious. However, building trust and honesty within a relationship is a different matter entirely. Honesty and Trust is built over time, and when trust gets broken, it can be really hard to get it back again. Lack of trust in a relationship is a barrier to connection and intimacy. Within our relationships it is all too easy to take trust for granted and overlook its pivotal role in our interactions with others.
Communication: Many people in relationships that I spoke to whilst writing this article named communication as the most important element in a relationship. Communication forms the foundations for companionship, intimacy, trust, organization and co-operation, hence the reason it is so important. Communication is not just important, it is essential, in all these aspects of relationships. To communication clearly with your partner, you need to: Be clear and direct about what you wish to communicate. Convey the message so it can be heard and understood. You must ensure your partner hears your message accurately and understands what you mean.
When communicating with each other, try to adopt an attitude of empathy for the person speaking. Try to stand in their shoes for a minute and see their point of view. This is an extremely loving way of communicating with your partner, and if couple can take turns in doing this, fewer conflicts will occur.
Values and Standards: Once you see which areas are most important to you, think about which values you are looking for in your partner. The key is not if you and your mate have the same values, but rather if you have complementary values. Write down the values you are looking for in a mate that you think will best be suited to your own values.
A person's values do change a bit over time, but one person can rarely change another person's values. It is important that you and your mate come to terms with each other's values, attitudes, opinions and beliefs about issues. For instance, you may have a problem if one of you is basically honest and the other is a habitual liar. Or if one of you is a giver, and one is a taker. Or if one of you loves romance and affection, and one is uncomfortable with it. One of you could have a flirtatious nature which evokes feelings of jealousy and insecurity in the other. These differences could threaten the relationship.
Standards are guidelines that we follow in life. We set our standards based on what we believe to right and wrong, and many of our standards are with us from childhood. Many conflicts that occur between couples are usually related to standards, expectations and values. As pointed out above, it is impossible to change someone’s values, which is where couples must learn to compromise and find a win/win solution.
Goodwill and Appreciation: Good relationships are based on goodwill towards each other. Happy couples will make comments like “I am so lucky to have found my partner.” Couples who share a lot of goodwill in their relationships will; express sympathy, give congratulations, encourage each other, apologize and behave in a courteous and polite manner. If there is an abundance of goodwill between two people, then conflicts will be resolved more quickly and easily.
Intimacy and Connection
Intimacy goes hand in hand with all of the elements of a relationship, which is why I have left this one till almost last on the list. If you do not have love, trust, friendship, goodwill, appreciation and so forth, you will never achieve true intimacy. Don’t despair if you are lacking in some of these elements, you can work on it and build intimacy and connect in ways you never thought possible. It just takes time and patience. Sharing intimacy with each other is also where you will build your sexual relationship. The better you are at being close, connecting with your partner and building intimacy, the more satisfying your sexual relationship will be and this takes practice. You have to work at being close.
Commitment
Commitment is probably the most important element in any relationship. If commitment is not there, then the relationship’s days are numbered. We do not choose to love someone however; commitment is a choice which should be made after careful consideration. As I have said before, committing to someone is not a blind act of faith. It is a decision made with our eyes wide open. When you make a commitment to someone, you must be very sure of what you are doing, because once it’s out there, you cannot take it back. Yet there are many people who do. People these days are shacking up together without realizing that they have just made a lifetime commitment. Many have the attitude that if it doesn’t work out they will move on. Living together is the same as being married and should be treated the same way.
If you were married do you feel it would be harder to walk away? I bet many people do feel that way. But it should not be that way. Whether you are married or not, it should be just as hard to walk away. Do not live with someone unless you are certain of what your commitment means and you have discussed your values on this issue with your partner. Commitment in my opinion should be honoured, unless of course the relationship is truly toxic to both of you.
Well I think I’ve said enough. It is sometimes helpful to break all the elements of a relationship down like this and explain what they all mean. Perhaps this article may help somewhat in solving the relationship puzzle for some.
Copyright ©2005 Janelle Coulton
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