JASON
Christian Ex-Gay Ministry
Gesunde Beziehungen - Healthy Bonding
Was ist Bonding?
Bonding ist die Fähigkeit, eine emotionale. sehr tiefgehende Bindung mit einer anderen Person einzugehen. Wenn zwei Menschen eine Bindung zueinander haben, teilen sie ihre innersten Gedanken, Träume und tiefsten Gefühle miteinander - ohne jede Furcht, vom anderen zurückgewiesen zu werden.
Nur wenn wir unsere eigenen Gefühle - unser Innerstes - mit jemanden ohne Furcht vor Ablehnung oder Verurteilung teilen können und uns auch unserer Emotionen bewusst sind, sind wir auch in der Lage, die Liebe, die Jesus uns jeden Tag gibt, an andere weiter zu geben. Wir sind nur ein glaubhaftes Zeugnis als Christen, wenn wir das, was wir weitergeben, tatsächlich empfinden.
Was unser homosexuelles Problem angeht: Sex ist ja immer nur ein Ausdruck von einem tiefer liegenden, legitimen Bedürfnis nach gleichgeschlechtlicher Nähe und Wärme, das in der Kindheit selten gestillt wurde. Wenn dieses Bedürfnis auf gesunde Weise befriedigt wird, lernen wir auch, mit unser Sexualität umzugehen und unsere heterosexuelle Identität wieder zu finden.
Bonding ist die also Fähigkeit, eine emotionale Bindung zu einem anderen Menschen aufzubauen. In einer derartigen Bindung teilen zwei Menschen ihre tiefsten Gedanken, Gefühle und Träume miteinander – ohne dabei befürchten zu müssen, vom anderen zurück gewiesen zu werden. Bonding heißt letztlich aber auch, in Verbindung mit Gott, mit anderen und mit sich selbst zu treten.
Check-Up: Gibt es Menschen in unserem Leben, mit denen uns ein tiefes Band verbindet?
Kontrollfrage (etwa eines Therapeuten): "Wen könnte ich anrufen, der mir sagen könnte, wie du dich in den letzten Wochen gefühlt hast?
- Bonding ist eine der wesentlichen Grundlagen der menschlichen Existenz.
- Es ist ein Grundbedürfnis des Menschen.
- Gott hat uns mit einem Hunger nach Beziehungen geschaffen - Beziehungen zu ihm und zu unseren Mitmenschen.
- Ohne solide Beziehungen zu Gott und unseren Mitmenschen sind wir in ernsthaften psychologischen und emotionalen Problemen gefangen. Unsere Seele wird krank. Wir sind wie ein Zweig, der vom Weinstock abgeschnitten wurde.
(John 15:5-6 NIV)
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.
(John 15:12)
• Legitime Bedürfnisse auf gesunde Art und Weise befriedigen.
• Alte Denk- und Verhaltensmuster durchbrechen.
• Sich selbst als „Mann“ – als einer unter vielen begreifen.
• „Iron sharpens iron“ – nur ein anderer Mann kann einen Mann aus dir machen.
• Entmystifizierung der Männlichkeit.
• Männer auf gesunde Art und Weise lieben lernen.
• Männer als das lieben lernen, was sie sind (und nicht nur, wenn sie sexuell ansprechend sind). Das Herz und das Wesen eines Mannes erkennen.
• In einem Mann nicht ein Objekt zur Befriedigung der eigenen sexuellen und emotionalen Bedürfnisse sehen.
• Sich gegenseitig Rechenschaft ablegen und helfen, als Christen zu wachsen.
Never take someone for granted
Hold every person close to your heart
Because you might wake up one day
And realize that you've lost a diamond
While you were too busy collecting stones.
(unknown author)
Healthy Male Bonding - gesunde männliche Beziehungen - aber mit wem?
Als selbst Betroffener und aufgrund meiner jahrelangen Erfahrung kann ich diese These so nicht unterstützen. Aus jedem Wort liest man da den heterosexuellen Fachmann heraus, der es zwar gut meint, aber im Grunde keine Ahnung hat, was da in den Menschen vor sich geht.
Das System der gesunden männlichen Beziehungen muss man abgestuft betrachten. So verallgemeinert wie oben taugt es nicht viel. Im Grunde kommt jeder Mann in Frage, der mich meinem Ziel näher bringt - in unterschiedlicher emotionaler Form. Das kann der Trainingspartner im Fitnessstudio, der Arbeitskollege oder der Kumpel im Kegelclub sein. Also lockere Beziehungen, die einem aber einen gesunden Umgang mit der eigenen Männlcihkeit sowie mit anderen Männern beibringen.
Was sich in der Praxis unter Betroffenen gezeigt hat, ist eine gesunde Mischung. Heterosexuelle Männer sind als "Vorbilder" absolut notwendig. Wirklich öffnen wird sich ein schwuler Mann auf dem Weg der Heilung aber nur einem anderen "Ex-Gay", also einem Bruder mit denselben Problemen. Warum? Weil der weiß, was in ihm vor sich geht. Spricht man mit einem heterosexuellen Mann, merkt man sehr schnell, dass man an seine Grenzen kommt. Der weiß schlichtweg nicht, wovon man redet. Die inneren Kämpfe kann der nicht mal ansatzweise nachvollziehen. Ebensowenig das Bedürfnis, das hier befriedigt wird und warum es genau so befriedigt wird.
Zwei Männer mit gleichgeschlechtlichen Neigungen können die Männlichkeit nicht entmystifizieren? Sagt wer? So etwas kann nur von einem Außenstehenden kommen. Einer der beiden sollte natürlich in der Heilung schon weiter vorangeschritten sein, da sonst die Partnerschaft erhebliche Probleme mit sich bringen kann. Dann aber - im Verbund mit anderen - heterosexuellen - gesunden männlichen Beziehungen ist diese Verbindung unschlagbar. Ebenso Selbsthilfegruppen nach dem Konzept von Homosexuals Anonymous. In einer Gruppe heterosexueller Männer würde sich ein Betroffener mit Sicherheit nicht so öffnen wie in einer Gruppe mit Betroffenen. Warum? Weil ihm sehr wohl bewusst ist, dass Heteros im Grunde keine Ahnung haben, was in ihm los ist. Gleichwohl sie unentbehrlich für ihn sind.
Wir empfehlen Herrn Nicolosi, dessen Arbeit wir außerordentlich schätzen und die wir als Grundlage für unsere Therapie mitverwenden, deshalb, seine Theorien ab und zu mal mit Ex-Gays zu diskutieren, um vielleicht gerade dadurch neue Erkenntnisse für seine hervorragende Arbeit zu bekommen.
Robert Gollwitzer
JASON
Ich habe ja versucht, mit anderen Männern gesunde Beziehungen einzugehen, aber ich finde niemanden!
Manchmal müssen wir einfach nur unsere Sichtweise ändern - weg von der Vorstellung von Mann, die wir im Kopf haben und hin zu dem Man, den Gott für uns vorgesehen hat. Der ist vielleicht überhaupt nicht so, wie wir uns das gedacht haben.
In unserer homosexuellen Zeit haben wir Männer "abgecheckt". In Sekundenbruchteilen haben wir entschieden, ob ein Mann in unser Muster passt - oder durch's Netz fällt. Dann haben wir ihn keines Blickes mehr gewürdigt. Irgendwie lebt dieses Denkmuster in uns weiter.
Bete um Weisheit und Führung! Lass' Gott entscheiden, wer zu dir passt! Sei offen für andere Menschen und versuche sie so zu sehen, wie Gott sie sieht! Versuche, in ihr Herz zu sehen - unabhängig davon, wie sie aussehen!
Bonding
"Don't be misled: 'Bad company corrupts good character'" (1 Corinthians 15:33, NIV).
The first connection every child has is with mother. It starts in the womb and as the newborn child is in his or her mother's arms (and especially on her
breasts) that connection or bonding is reinforced. Unfortunately, the child who doesn't have healthy bonding in those early years is being programmed for life-long problems unless he goes through recovery. If the child feels no bonding at all he can die.
Connection and bonding in loving relationships are essential for our entire lifetime. We cannot live healthily without them. As counselors tell us, we
cannot not be bonded. Thus, if we are not bonded in healthy ways to healthy people, we will be bonded in unhealthy ways. For example, some people stay in very unhealthy and toxic relationships for fear of being isolated and not connected to someone. Others, if not bonded to people, may be bonded to their work, gambling, drugs, alcohol, sex, or material possessions and so on.
Healthy bonding needs to be a priority of every individual and should be available in every family and every church. If you can't find it there, look for a
healthy church where you can find it, and get connected in an open, honest, support group. Or find it with some open, non-judgmental healthy friends. If necessary, find it in a recovery or twelve-step group. Healthy bonding and connection to healthy people is essential for healthy, wholesome, and meaningful living.
As the Bible reminds us, the company we keep affects our life.
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, please help me to find at least one safe soul-brother/sister with whom I can be totally open and honest, connected, and bonded in a healthy way, and in so doing help me to stay connected and bonded to you. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."
www.actsweb.org
Es dürfte schwer sein, dann noch sexuelle Gefühle für sie zu haben...
What is healthy male bonding?
1) "Changes That Heal"
2) "Boundaries"
both by Dr. Henry Cloud (not about ssa, but about that subject in general).
Also:
"Desires in Conflict" by Joe Dallas (that's especially about ssa) and "I Hate Witnessing" by Dick Innes.
You should really read them.
There are different types of healthy male bondings. You can have some sort of healthy male bondings (not so deep) with church brothers, guys at the gym, at work, at some club or organization you belong to, simple buddies - whatever.
Those are male relationships that should help you become the man you want to be. Good, Christian hetero men that somehow serve as a role model for you and show you what it means to be to be a man. A real man. A good man.
That's what we all have to learn, as we missed that part in childhood.
Then there is real healthy male bonding. That goes somewhat deeper. You find a man that you can really get close with on an emotional basis - in a healthy way. That can be one of the guys from up above or even an ex-gay that is further ahead in recovery.
The plan is to fill that legitimate need for male love in a healthy way.
Both of you guys will really open up there and show your innermost feelings. Confess everything that is going on inside of you. Share your deepest thoughts.
Those bondings should of course last a lifetime. They are extremely healthy and spped up recovery like nothing else, as you really work on the roots of same-sex attraction then. At the beginning it is somewhat embarrassing, but that soon is over and you feel so great. Finally you have somebody to talk to. To relate to. Somebody that REALLY knows and understands you. And loves you in a healthy way.
Those bondings might enable you to have a solid and sound marriage for example, as you work on your problems in there - something you cannot do with your wife.
Of course this is a big responsability for both of you then. You know the other guy and he knows you like none else and you won't be able to hide anything from him anymore. That is a good thing, too, because you can't lie anymore or hide your true feelings and intentions. But of course both of you should help each other to grow in the Lord then and not turn each other on.
A healthy relationship should always be a reflection of the love for the Lord. The Lord has to be number one in every relationship whatsoever. If He is not - forget it.
You should not push such a relationship, however. But you should become more open with guys that you think might be good for that job. Maybe they are waitng for that, too.
Some of the guys in HA are doing that. Even among each other. So do I.
It wasn't till I started doing that that I really worked on my ssa.
And it sure feels so great.
I feel loved - and totally safe and secure with it. Somebody really cares for me - without any bad intentions but help me grow as a Christian man. And so do I as to him.
Good luck!
Robert
Gefahren beim Bonding
- Sexuelle Versuchungen: Welche Reize (Personen/Sachen) gibt es in deiner Umgebung? Wie kannst du sie reduzieren?
„Ein Christ ist jemand, der Jesus als den Christus erkennt, den Sohn des lebendigen Gottes, als Gott, der sich in Menschengestalt zeigt, der uns liebt und für unsere Erlösung stirbt; und der diesen fleischgewordenen Gott so liebt, dass er gezwungen ist, den Willen von Christus zur Regel für seinen Gehorsam zu machen und den Ruhm von Christus zum Ziel seines Lebens.“ (Charles Hodge, Commentary on the Second Epistle to the Corinthians)
Ein Glaube, der keine praktischen Auswirkungen hat, ist kein Glaube mehr, sondern Fantasie.“ (Stephen Brown, If God Is in Charge)
In uns allen gibt es eine Sehnsucht nach der fehlerlosen Harmonie des Gartens Eden. „Wir sehnen uns nach Harmonie in unserer Umgebung wie in unseren Beziehungen – zu uns selbst, zu anderen und zu Gott (...) Diese Suche – die Vollkommenheit der ursprünglichen Schöpfung wiederherzustellen – kann von Vorteil für uns sein. Wir finden oft Befriedigung im Verfolgen von schwierigen Zielen. Arbeitsprozesse sowie Prozesse, die Selbstdisziplin und menschliche Beziehungen umfassen, können sehr lohnenswert sein. Wir müssen uns aber darüber im Klaren sein, dass wir in diesem Leben nur eine nicht-perfekte Annäherung an Gottes Perfektion wiederherstellen können.“ (Richard Walters, Escape the Trap)
HOME WORK FOR BONDING
1) What efforts have you made in the past to bond with others?
2) What has happened in your past to make you realize that you need relationship?
3) What can you do to help new relationships to form?
(See also: Henry Cloud: "Changes That Heal")
from _Social/Political News_ (http://www.narth.com/menus/social.html#social)
Father Hunger
By Gordon Dalbey
A friend will not complain when the other has taken more than his share, or if you are late.
A friend is a friend when we share the love of God as He would want us to. A friend endures criticism, endures harsh words,
"A friend is a friend to a friend indeed when a friend is a friend to a friend in need."
It takes time to develop a true friendship. Generally it does not happen overnight. It takes truth and trust and faithfulness to be a friend. It takes patience.
When I think of what a friend should be like, this song by Michael W. Smith about nails it on the head. I want friends who would think of me in the same manner. and I them
andre ha-3 moderator
OR
READ THIS AND CONSIDER HOW YOU SPEAK TO OTHERS AND JUST SEE IF IT DOES NOT CHALLENGE YOU TO CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE.
NAIL IN THE FENCE
Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.
(Most importantly the last sentence)
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make yo u smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us."
Watch: If a dog were my teacher
HUG WAR!!
THIS IS A TEST TO SEE HOW MANY FRIENDS YOU HAVE ON THE INTERNET!!!!!
IT'S JUST A TEST. OK, HERE GOES.
INSTANTLY, WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS PAGE, YOU MUST SEND IT TO AT LEAST 10 PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU
*Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug*
*Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug*
*Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug*
*Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug*
*Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug* *Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug**Hug*
You have just been hugged!!
There's no getting out of it this time!!
This is the start of a full-scale Hug O' War!
So hug everyone you know!!!
Hug your friends, your enemies, everyone!!
With all the other forwards out there, I thought this would be a good one to start.
The hug is my favorite sign of affection.
It can mean so many things.
It can be a sign of love, friendship,
comfort or anything. So here you go.
All it will do is brighten someone's day.
We all need a hug once in a while.
So send this on if you'd like, to anyone who may need a hug, send it back to whoever sent it to you, send it back to me!!
We could all REALLY use a hug sometimes.
So send this on and show someone you care!!
1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you..
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?
Hardly anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends and good friends!!!
Nicolosi would tell you now that the worst bonding you could get would be with an active homosexual, followed by an ex-gay, an unattractive heterosexual and finally (number 1) an attractive heterosexual.
Why?
Because he thinks that once you lern to bond with him in a healthy way, you break the mystery that surrounds good-loking heterosexuals and see yourself as one of the guys.
Though I admit there is some truth in that from a psychological point of view, we have to remember that Nicolosi is NOT a homoexual. He is a brilliant psychologist with ample experience in therapy, but basically he does not know what he is talking about. Hard but true.
(However, I strongly recommend his books!).
What to do?
In our homosexual time, we learned to categorize men. In a second we checked if they were acceptable according to our pattern or not so. Then we'd not even look at them or talk to them.
Now in therapy we somehow try to follow that scheme and bond only with those who attract us.
Who have what we'd like to have and who are what we'd like to be.
From my own experience, I'd say this:
1) Forget about schemes and categories. Forget about your image of the "perfect guy" to bond with or how you should do that.
2) Start praying. Sounds like a cliche, but it's true: surrender it to Him. Ask Him to bring somebody into your life. And remember: that somebody might be totally not what you expected!!
3) Get together a good mixture: guys you're just hanging out with, doe sports with or work with, guys you're bonding with on a deeper level, church brothers, heterosexuals (because they know where you're heading to), ex-gays (because they know EXACTLY how you feel), whatever. And make sure you accept those the Lord sends into your life - learn to see them as the Lord sees them: as your brothers in Christ. Not as good-looking fellas.
4) Make sure in every relationship Jesus is number 1. The whole package will give you full satisfaction, because it meets all of your legitimate needs for healthy male love and affection.
God bless you,
Robert
Links:
Part 2: Where are the Safe People?
Part 3: Learning How to Be Safe
Changes That Heal
• Part 1: Does God or psychology provide the cure to emotional problems?
• Part 2: Created in the Image of God
• Part 3: Growth takes Grace and Truth
• Part 7: Becoming Separate - Creating Healthy Boundaries
• Part 8: Sorting Out Good and Bad
Picking Safe People - Dr. Henry Cloud
Fos News: A Hug A Day Could Save Your Life
Bücher
Harvest House Publishers (Juli 2003)
Changes That Heal: How to Understand the Past to Ensure a Healthier Future von Henry Cloud
Zondervan Publishing Company (Januar 1997)
From Bondage to Bonding: Escaping Codependency, Embracing Biblical Love von Nancy Groom
ACW Press (Juni 1997)
Taschenbuch / Sprache Englisch
Getting to Know Your Friends
The idea is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends that you probably didn't know already.
1. What time did you get up this morning?
2. Diamonds or pearls?
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
4. What's your favorite TV show?
5. What did you have for breakfast this morning?
6.What's your favorite cuisine?
7. What foods do you dislike?
8. What is your favorite chip flavor?
9. What's your favorite CD at the moment?
10.What car do you drive?
11. Favorite sandwich?
12. What characteristics do you despise?
13. Favorite item of clothing?
14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?
15. What color is your bathroom?
16. Favorite brand of clothing?
17. Where would you retire?
18. Favorite time of the day?
19. What was your most memorable birthday?
20. Where were you born?
21. Favorite sport to watch?
22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you?
23. Person you expect to send it back first?
24. What fabric detergent do you use?
25. Were you named after anyone?
26. Do you wish on stars?
27.When did you last cry?
28. Do you like your handwriting?
29. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?
30. Are you daredevil?
31. Do looks matter?
32. How do you release anger?
33 . Where is your second home?
34. What class in High School was totally useless?
35. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
36. Do you like these surveys?
37. Favorite movie?
38. What are your nicknames?
39. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
40. Do you think that you are strong?
41. Favorite Ice cream?
42. What are your favorite colors?
43. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
44. Who do you miss the most?
45. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back?
46. What color pants are you wearing?
47. What are you listening to right now?
48. Last thing you ate?
49. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
50. Last person you talked to on the phone?
51. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
52. Favorite Drink?
53. Do you wear contacts?
54. Favorite Day(s) of the Year:
55. Scary Movies or Happy Endings?
56. Summer or winter?
57. Hugs OR Kisses?
58. What Is Your Favorite Dessert?
59. What Book are you currently reading?
60. What's On Your Mouse Pad?
Why is it so Difficult?
http://www.ha-fs.org/January_2007
http://www.ha-fs.org/February_2007
http://www.ha-fs.org/March_2007
http://www.ha-fs.org/April_2007
http://www.ha-fs.org/May_2007
http://www.ha-fs.org/July_2007
http://www.ha-fs.org/August_2007
Questions
>
> I am in another online group called xxx. Its a group of about > 100 members. I have been posting to that group some. There are a lot of > non be
> livers in that group and a few of them have really started opening up to me about the anger they feel toward society for not meeting their male
> relationship needs and in turn helping diminish their SSA urges. Again personal anger being there as a factor of life they are unwilling to let go of for some reason.
>
>
> How would you reply to someone who has has a negative situation with accountability partners and fellow church members not following through
> with stuff.
> One thing I was thinking was to talk about un forgiveness and how much God has forgiven us if we only accept it. This group is expecting more than
> the textbook church answer thou on anger Im thinking.
>
>
> Thought It might be helpful to get some feedback from you all before I go typing a bunch of stuff. I have a great opportunity to share my faith Im
> thinking at this point.
>
>
> Many blessings,\
> D.
D.,
there is no easy answer to that.
Sometimes we have our perfect image of how a perfect man to bond with should look like - and are surprised that such a person does not exist.
Also at times we forget that a friend is not here to fulfill our personall needs. A friendship is a mutual thing where we have to invest just as much and that takes a lot of time to grow.
I would never go into a friendship with any sort of expectation. Prayerfully follow the Lord's guidance. With some men you will only have easy-going relationships (like working out or something like that). Others will grow into really deep friendships. You never know.
Also in our gay time we learned to develop patterns. You stand in a gay bar and check men in a second - if they fit your pattern, you dig them. If not, you don't even talk to them. Now in our recovery, we still keep that pattern. A friend has to look like we think he should. Instead we should follow the Lord's guidance. He will lead us to new friends - that might not at all fit our "pattern", but be the friends He wants us to have.
And also with reference to our gay past we tend to develop emotional dependencies. We don't have friendships with two equal partners but kind of hold on to a man in the sense of we think that our personal happiness depends on him. Not so! If a man feels we act like a little boy or something towards him, he runs to the hills. Or like a man would act that is in love with another man and expects that he should feel the same way. That is not healthy and men know that.
So even if it is a hard thing to do, we have to let go of our anger and give it over to the Lord and follow His guidance. We are a new creation now - and that includes our new friendships. It is hard to accept that, but that eternal self-pity ("nobody loves me/understands me, no friend ever stays with me") will get us nowhere on the long run.
Hope that helps.
Robert
Love
Tech
Support: Yes, ... how can I
help you?
Customer:
Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me
though the process?
Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you
ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but
I think I'm ready. What do I do first?
Tech Support:
The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other
programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?
Tech
Support: What programs are running ?
Customer:
Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running
right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will
gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in
your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will
eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High
Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment.
Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those
off ?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them
off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your
start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until
Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.
Customer:
Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?
Tech
Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You
need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops! I have an error message
already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components ." What should
I do?
Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that
the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run
on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself
before you can Love others.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech
Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following
files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.
Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support:
Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any
conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to
delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to
make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got
it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor
and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this
normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it
takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is
installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be
sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn
share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.
Customer: Thank you, God.
Article
A young man, 19 y/o, asked for help with healthy male friendships.
One of the guys in the group responded with this valuable advice. He
gave permission to use it on other posts.
Here it is. . .
A few years ago, a therapist I was working with gave me some really
helpful
coaching on making friends that pretty much matches up with what you
guys are
saying. I'm no expert, but the teaching this therapist did for me has
been one
of the most powerful change factors in my life.
One point he explained to me that seemed to unlock a lot of the
mystery for me
was around how men connect with each other. SSA men seem to feel and
recognize
the need for male attention, acceptance, warmth, etc. Maybe it's
because we
missed out on it at key stages in our development. In any case, we
have a real
hunger for it that is near the surface, and we want to connect with
men in ways
that address those needs in very direct ways, and with an intensity
that matches
how much we feel the need.
Non-ssa men have the same needs. They often don't feel them so near
the surface
because they may have had them met more fully during their
development, and
through normal relationships over time. But they have the same need.
So how do they connect? Men connect around a third object. There is
always
something neutral and emotionally safe that they can be interested in
together -
could be sports, could be cars, could be watching the game, could be
working
out, could be hunting, could be anything. In the course of doing
their "guy"
things together, they open up to the bonding, sharing, getting to
know each
other, giving/getting attention, and over time even a lot of physical
affection
in very safe, non-sexual ways (back slapping, chest banging, even
hugging in
approrpiate ways and at appropriate moments . . .).
My therapist helped me start to find opportunities to identify
a "third object"
to connect with other guys on, and to step out of my comfort zone and
dig in.
What I've learned:
All men really do feel those needs.
Almost any "third object" will do, just as long as both men are
interested in
it.
The opening up process is slow. Guys test to see what's safe, who
they want to
be safe with, and they take their time. You have to find a pace both
are
comfortable with.
Not all guys will open up at the same speed.
The opening up happens naturally when it's safe.
I need to have several friendships and "third objects" going on all
the time. I
need real, solid friendships that grow naturally, not co-dependent,
emotionally
manipulative entanglements.
I need to build these activities into my daily routine, not wait
until I feel an
urgent need.
I can have lots of friends.
Friendships that don't naturally grow deep tend to just fade (i.e. no
wierd
"break up" scenes).
Starting new friendships regularly by finding new interests and men
to engage in
them with should be a constant process.
Only a few friendships will go to really deep, intimate friendships -
but when
they do, they are very rewarding for all the men involved.
Helathy friendhips between men with each other don't create any
jealousy.
This is an imporant topic in our healing. I'm very intersted to hear
anything
you all have learned about buidling real friendships with non-ssa
men - it's a
key to really feeling like a man among men.
Thanks,
c
(used with permission)
Points to Ponder...
Well, a friendship is not something that can be measured in time, as to how long does it take to develop a true friendship. Friends become friends because they spend a lot of time together, sharing their wants, their cares, their feelings, their fun times, their serious times, and are always there when a friend is needed. A friend is always there to be a bouncing wall to hear what the other has to say whether you want to hear it or not. A friend is a shoulder to cry on when the other is sad or hurting. A friend is someone to be there without being asked to help the other whenever help is needed. A friend will tell the other when he is doing something wrong, or in sin even at the cost of upsetting the other. A friend will drive a hundred, or two hundred miles to be there for whatever reason to be there for another friend
A friend will not complain when the other has taken more than his share, or if you are late.
A friend is a friend when we share the love of God as He would want us to. A friend endures criticism, endures harsh words,
"A friend is a friend to a friend indeed when a friend is a friend to a friend in need."
It takes time to develop a true friendship. Generally it does not happen overnight. It takes truth and trust and faithfulness to be a friend. It takes patience.
When I think of what a friend should be like, this song by Michael W. Smith about nails it on the head. I want friends who would think of me in the same manner. and I them
andre ha-3 moderator
Read Each One Carefully and Think About It a Second or Two
1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you..
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?
Hardly anyone I know ! But some of us have all right friends and good friends!!!
Slow down for three minutes to read this.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds: "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
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"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
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"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
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"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
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"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
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"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
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"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
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"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7
(Wow!)
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"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
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"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
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"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
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"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
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"My mommy loves me more than anybody . You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
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"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
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"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7
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"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
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"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
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"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7
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"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
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And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto
his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"
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When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need. Take
Bless all my friends in whatever it is that You know they may be needing this day! And may their life be full of your peace,prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with you.
Amen.
Then send it on to five other people. Within hours you caused a multitude of people to pray for other people. Then sit back and watch the power of God work in your life.
P. S. Five is good, but more is better.
Subject: A REAL FRIEND TEST !!
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you!
A simple friend reads this e-mail and deletes it. A real friend passes it on and sends it back to you!
Pass this on to anyone you care about......if you get it back you have no beginning, no end. It keeps us together, like our Circle of Friends.
Today I pass the friendship ball to you. Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you.....
Questions for Friends
2. How do you like your steak?
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
4. What is your favorite TV show?
5. What did you have for breakfast?
6. What is your middle name?
7. Favorite food?
8. What foods do you dislike?
9. What is your favorite chip?
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
11. What kind of car do you drive?
12. What is your favorite sandwich?
13. What characteristics do you despise?
14. What are your favorite clothes?
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation?
16. Favorite brand of clothing?
17. Where would you want to retire?
18. Favorite time of day?
19. Where were you born?
20. What is your favorite sport to watch?
21. Who do you think will NOT send this back?
22. Person you expect to send it back first?
23. Pepsi or Coke?
26. Pedicure or manicure?
27. Any news you want to share?
28. What did you want to be when you were little?
29. What is your best childhood memory?
31. Ever been to Africa?
32. Ever been toilet papering?
33. Been in a car accident?
34. Favorite day of the week?
35. Favorite restaurant?
36. Favorite Flower?
37. Favorite ice cream?
38. Favorite fast food restaurant?
39. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
40. From whom did you get your last email?
41. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
42. Bedtime?
43. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
45. What are you listening to right now?
46. What is your favorite color?
47. How many tattoos do you have?
48. How many are you sending this email to?
49. Favorite magazine?
YouTube.com - Christian the Lion
that should make your day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adYbFQFXG0U
