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 Miscarriage : understanding your loss from a catholic perspective.
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 God,
We remember all babies who have died
as a result of miscarriage. We remember all mothers and fathers whose
hearts are aching and arms empty, who never had a chance to love or
hold their babies. We ask God’s healing to fill the void and emptiness
that has been left.
Amen
For babies lost through miscarriage, there is often no public mourning,
no funeral or flowers, no gathering of friends. If you have lost a baby
through miscarriage you may feel a very deep loss which few others seem
to understand. Bereavement is a lonely experience. It is unique, and it
is sometimes very private. It is often difficult to share your grief
with another person, however close that person is. Often other people
don’t know how to offer comfort. Sometimes the wrong things are said.
Well-meant words can hurt; observations intended to help can sound glib
and superficial. Close family and friends may be shocked and sad, but
grateful that the mother’s life is not in danger. Medical staff may
tell you cheerfully, “Don’t worry, you’ve got plenty of time to try
again.” But to you and your partner, your loss may be devastating. Your
baby is gone, and nothing can change this fact or bring your baby back.
The Christian faith places a high value on the unborn. The Bible
teaches that human beings are made in God’s image (Genesis 9:3-6). The
detailed description of foetal life as portrayed in Psalms 139, offer a
clear picture of God’s concern for and intimate involvement with human
beings from before conception. The Catholic faith upholds that life
begins at conception, when the egg and sperm unite and the full genetic
potential is in place. The Catholic faith also teaches that life should
be defended from conception. This means acknowledging that at
conception a new life is truly present. Therefore, if you are a
Christian who has been brought up with these beliefs, from the moment
you discovered that you and your partner were expecting a baby, you
will have loved that new life in the womb. You may have developed a
relationship with it. You may have read books about its development.
You may have known its size and shape. To you it may have been a real
miniature person, not a lump of tissue. To you it may have been another
human being growing inside his or her mother’s womb. From very early on
in the pregnancy, you may have been looking forward to being this
baby’s parent. You may have felt ready to welcome him or her into your
life and cherish it with the unconditional love that only a parent can
give. Losing your baby through miscarriage means that your child’s life
ended just as it was beginning and all your hopes and dreams for the
near future are shattered.
After your miscarriage, you may have received sympathy from family and
friends. You may have been told to rest for a week or two. Friends may
have ran errands for you. Soon you may have felt physically strong and
looked well. But inside you may still be in a state of frozen grief and
mourning. You have lost your baby, yet you may not have received any
public recognition of your bereavement, for your loss is not seen by
all as a baby who has died, but as an embryo or foetus that didn’t
quite make it. When you are grieving, you need time. You can’t rush
through bereavement and back to ‘normal life’, for in one sense your
life will never be normal again. Losing a baby through miscarriage is
not something you ‘get over’ in the way that you recover from the flu.
Instead the loss becomes part of you. You gradually learn to live with
the memories, happy and sad, of the time you were expecting your baby.
Losing a baby is a shock to your entire body, and grief will affect you
physically, emotionally and spiritually. The cascading emotions you
feel are normal reactions to loss : shock, disbelief, sadness, anger,
protest, guilt, fear, resentfulness and jealousy. You may feel some or
all of these emotions. You may experience several of these emotions at
once, or they may arise at different times. The depth of your grief
shows the strength of your love for your lost child, and it is normal
to feel as though you need help with this grief. It is also normal to
feel as though you need empathy and understanding and a need to know
there are those who love and care.
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FINDING COMFORT AND HEALING THROUGH PRAYER
At times, you may find that prayer and reflection help you through your
time of loss. Still too in shock to share your feelings with other
people, you may feel that you can talk freely to God.
You may feel that your time of prayer is like a memorial service,
sharing with God all the things about expecting a baby that you miss
the most. For example, in your prayer, you may relive the joy and
elation that you experienced when you discovered that you were going to
become a parent, the excitement that you felt when choosing a name for
your baby, the thrill of planning for your baby’s arrival and the
wonder of your baby’s presence bringing about changes to its mother’s
body or moving inside her.
You may find comfort in the words of the Old Testament : “Before I
formed you in the womb I knew you” (Jeremiah 1:5). This reminds us of
God’s providential plan for everyone, including your miscarried baby,
who was a precious creation despite his or her brief life. You may find
comfort in believing that you now have an angel in heaven. You may be
able to cry and pour out your sorrow to God, and then feel at peace.
You may feel that you are able to leave your unborn baby in a love and
care even greater than your own.
As times goes by, you may wish to thank God for your identity as a
parent, even if you lost your baby though an early miscarriage. As a
mother, you conceived and loved this child and carried him or her
inside your body. As a woman who has lost her baby, you are still a
mother, as what may be missing from the future does not cancel out what
you have been through in the past. Likewise, fatherhood is about
raising, supporting and loving a child. You may have been fully
prepared to do just that but tragic circumstances occurred and so
preventing you from getting the chance. As a man who has lost his baby
through miscarriage, you are still a father to this child because you
stood willingly to do all that a father does.
In time, you may feel comforted seeing that the world has become a
better place because of your baby. You may feel that your baby’s life
and death had a positive effect on someone else. You and your partner
may have strengthened your relationship even further. You may have
connected more deeply with your faith. Your friends and family may have
drawn closer to you during your crisis. You may discover your own
wisdom or personal strength, especially if you use the experience to
help someone else or to make positive life changes.
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ANGRY WITH GOD
At other times, you may feel too angry to pray. You may feel angry that
God did not answer your prayers for a healthy pregnancy and the safe
delivery of your much wanted and loved baby. You may believe that God
could have done so, but for some unfathomable reason chose not to. The
idea of having an angel in heaven may not comfort you or your partner
who are grieving the loss of your cherished baby. These well-intended
comments offered by caring friends and relatives may sound shallow and
inconsequential.
Outrage at the very existence of suffering has been an important factor
in the modern debate with atheism : with some justification, the
proportion of evil and suffering in the world has come to be regarded
as the most telling argument against the very existence of an
all-loving Creator. An atheist may ask how you can believe in a
heavenly father or a heavenly mother, when it appears that this God
cares so much less than an earthly father or mother. You may feel that
as a parent, you had done everything within your power to try and
protect your unborn baby, while God just seemed to ignore all your
pleas for help.
When you discovered that you were going to be a parent, you may have
prayed to thank God for this precious gift of new life. The birth of a
first baby is for most couples the biggest event of their lives so far.
Parenthood is a wonderful privilege because it allows you to
participate fully in the earthly creation of another person. A couple
experiencing the miracle of pregnancy and birth may be brought closer
to acknowledging God than ever before. Following a pregnancy loss, you
may now feel abandoned and deeply disappointed. You may feel as though
your prayers have gone unanswered and that God has let you down. God
may seem distant, unreal and uninvolved. You may even reject God
because you cannot accept that an all-loving and all-powerful God would
ever have allowed you and your partner to suffer so much grief and pain.
At times, you may feel intense anger. If you have trusted in God all of
your life, you may feel this anger most acutely : anger with God’s
apparent indifference, anger that God has allowed such waste and such
pain. You may have wept and screamed in anger with God after you lost
your baby in spite of all your prayers for a healthy pregnancy. This is
not shocking as anger, bewilderment and dismay with God are all common
reactions to loss.
Even if you claim that you don’t believe in God, or are unsure about
God’s existence, you may feel angry : anger that God doesn’t exist,
anger that at the heart of the universe there is only suffering and
pain, not love. If God is all-knowing, then God knows all your misery
and how you feel. The danger comes when you are hurt but pretend you
are not; when you feel deep bitterness and resentment, but decide to
ignore it because you don’t want anyone to know how much pain you feel.
The danger also comes when you feel guilty that you are so angry with
God. You may try to prevent God from knowing how you feel, but if God
is all-knowing, then there is no need to try and mask your grief. You
may feel that when you do pour out your anger to God, you are released
from much of your hurt. You may then feel that God begins to bring
healing, and comfort, and eventually peace. You may no longer feel as
though God is distant or unreal, but instead, intimately concerned with
all that goes on in our world.
The Bible pictures a God whom is deeply involved in our suffering. This
God is compassionate, grieves with us and longs for our peace. You may
feel as though God understands how it feels to be bereaved, because God
experienced deep suffering, separation and loss when death cut off the
Father from his Son, Jesus, when he was crucified on the cross.
As grieving parents, you may be struggling relentlessly to answer every
“why” question about your baby’s death. You may believe that if you can
understand it, then you can accept it. Despite many theological and
philosophical attempts, no one can really explain why tragic events
occur. Sometimes they just happen and we will never know why in our
lifetimes. However, acceptance of your baby’s death often comes in the
absence of all the answers.
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REMEMBERING THE BABY YOU HAVE LOST
You may wish to do something to mark the brief life of your baby in
order to try and help you to accept your loss and start to move on.
Creating a memorial to your lost baby may seem appropriate, even while
your feelings are still very raw. You may like to plant flowers or a
special tree or shrub as a symbol of your baby’s life spirit or as an
expression of your love. A toy or item of clothing intended for your
baby may become a special keepsake. It may be possible to arrange for
the hospital chaplain, or representative of your own Christian
denomination to give a short service, blessing or say a prayer for your
baby. You may wish to see if you can place a marker in your local
cemetery even though you may have no remains to bury. Some hospitals
arrange regular services of remembrance and you may want to ask them
for details. Your parish or nearest cathedral may have a Book of
Remembrance where you may find it comforting to write a prayer, poem or
a letter to your baby to express your thoughts and feelings. You may
wish to keep a record of your thoughts and feelings in a diary as some
people find that such words are healing and of tremendous comfort later
on. You may wish to do something practical such as giving a donation
to, or raising funds for, a charity such as the Miscarriage
Association.
Historically, the Christian faith has offered little support for
couples suffering with the pain of miscarriage. Thankfully, over recent
years, this has started to change and some denominations will now add
your baby’s name to the church registry of births and deaths. However,
as many Christian leaders still underestimate the grief of losing of an
unborn child you may feel disappointed at the lack of spiritual support
within your church or Christian community. You may tell your priest,
vicar or other leader of your Christian denomination about your
miscarriage, yet no mention is made of the loss of your baby at a mass
or service. No chance is given for others who are our brothers and
sisters in Christ to offer prayer, comfort and support. You may feel
that it is as if your baby never existed. As Christians, we claim to be
pro-life, but our actions do not always follow it through to its
logical conclusion. There still needs a lot to be done in order to
educate everyone to the fact that the loss of a child in the womb
causes tremendous grief and pain. Until the Christian churches
understand this vital point then all the pro-life efforts are only
half-hearted.
It is for this reason that memorials to the unborn have recently started to be set up:
- In the Catholic cathedral in Liverpool, the memorial is a
freestanding candle which burns perpetually. At the base there is room
for flowers as it was felt that it is important for people to be able
to do something not only spiritually but also physically. The candle is
located in and has become one of the focal points in the Children’s
Chapel, and is dedicated to all stillborn, miscarried or aborted
babies.
Contact information: Metropolitan Cathedral of Christ the King
Cathedral House,
Mount Pleasant,
Liverpool,
L3 5TQ,
England.
Tel: + 44 (0)151 709 9222
Fax: + 44 (0) 151 708 7274
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In Mount Noddy cemetery, East Grinstead, the local branch of the
Society for the Protection of Unborn Children erected a memorial with
the full support of the town council and the Miscarriage Association.
Contact information: East Grimstead Town Council
East Court,
College Lane,
East Grimstead,
West Sussex,
RH19 3LT
England.
Tel: + 44 (0)1342 323636
Fax: + 44 (0) 1342 327823
Email: cemeterymanager@eastgrimstead.gov.uk
- In Cambridge, a city centre memorial garden in the grounds of the
Catholic Church, Our Lady and the English Martyrs, has been planned. A
monument will be the focal point with the following inscription : “For
those whose lives knew no birth”. The message is deliberately ambiguous
so that women who are suffering after an abortion will not feel singled
out or judged and those who have miscarried can also find a focus for
their grief.
Contact information: The Catholic Rectory,
Hills Road,
Cambridge,
CB2 1JR,
England.
Tel: + 44 (0)1223 350787
Fax: + 44 (0) 1223 224860
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St Paul the Apostle RC Church, Tintagel, Cornwall, offers an annual
mass in thanksgiving for all children who have died from conception to
three years old. All the parents and families will also be remembered
in the mass and anyone can enter names in a miscarriage and infant loss
memorial book.
Contact information: St Paul the Apostle Catholic Church
Chy An Pronter,
Bossiney Road,
Tintagel
PL34 0AQ,
Cornwall,
England.
Tel & Fax: + 44 (0)1840770663
- For those who use the internet, memorials to the unborn include many
on-line versions. Here anyone – mother, father, grandparent- can easily
place a written memorial to a child that has been lost. If you would
like to leave a message on an internet memorial site you could try the
following two sites:
You may even wish to approach your priest, vicar or other leader of
your Christian denomination about setting up a support group, memorial
book, memorial garden, monument or annual memorial service in your own
local parish or community.
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PRAYERS AFTER A MISCARRIAGE
My Lord, the baby is dead !
Why, my Lord – dare I ask why ? It will not hear the whisper of the
wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face – it will not see the
beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord ?
“Why, My child – do you ask ‘why’ ? Well, I will tell you why
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of
angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he
sees everlasting Beauty – he sees My face. He was created and lived a
short time so that the image of his parents imprinted on his face may
stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of
heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only
the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My
Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not
be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’
merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or
pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom,
goodness, and love. I speak as a fool – forgive me. I acknowledge Your
sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that
began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.
-Mother M. Angelica.
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“Dear God”, we asked,
“Should we try to have another child ?
After our miscarriage, we are anxious and fearful about another pregnancy.
The pain of loss is too intense and we are afraid of another unhappy ending.”
And God answered :
“Your fears are expected and understandable.
You do not need to decide right away whether you want to have another child.
Do not feel pressured.
Give yourself and your partner a chance to grieve.
Give yourself time to make this decision.
Listen to your doctors.
Listen to your partner.
Listen to your heart.
Listen to me.
Then decide.”
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Dear God,
People ask me how I am coping.
I’ve learned to smile in company.
I’ve learned to appear calm and even relaxed.
But this is not the real me.
It is a person that I watch going through the motions of living.
Inside, I’m still screaming, or else I’m just numb.
Sometimes the ache is so strong that my whole body is racked with pain.
The pain and the questions are often bound up together.
Why did I have to miscarry (again) ?
The questions chase around inside my mind.
I feel there ought to be answers.
I feel I am owed some explanations.
Yet no explanations come, and there seems to be nowhere to go to find any.
You alone know the reasons for our loss.
Help me to accept your mysterious ways and your divine plan for me, which may differ from my human hopes and dreams.
Help us to understand that at the very heart of the universe there is not despair but hope, not evil but a God of love.
Amen.
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My life is but a weaving between my Lord and me
I cannot see the colours He worketh steadily.
Oft times He weaveth sorrow and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper and I the underside.
Not till the looms are silent and the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver’s skilful hands
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
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Patron Saints against miscarriages:
- Catherine of Siena
- Catherine of Sweden
- Eulalia
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Written by Jane Parkinson
Any comments or suggestions on how to improve this article would be gratefully appreciated.
e-mail address: janefparkinson@hotmail.com
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