Englewood Jacks Hockey Club

JACKS Player Implicated in BALCO Probe

(ESPN) Greg “12 for 14" Torkelson the rookie phenom out of the Chicago Beer Hawks was informed today by league officials that both an initial urine sample and a B sample collected in the wake of his walk off homer on opening day of the Wii Sports Baseball season - tested positive for performance enhancing substances.

 

His samples came back with a higher than expected levels of Estrogen according to an unnamed source in the Jacks front office.

 

Reached for comment at his offices adjacent to Fenway Park South - Jacks head coach Don “Magic Fridge” Gillam was visibly shaken by the results. “I can’t believe that - Greg - of all people would be caught up in this scandal.”

 

Reports indicate that former assistant equipment manager Charles “Gamblin’ Man” Corcoran may have provided Torkelson with the Estrogen – which was probably administered through an anal injection.       

 

Corcoran was recently brought on to the team by his brother Kevin Corcoran to replace Matt Walsh as team videographer – but he quickly gained the trust of the front office and was promoted to Asst. Equip. Mgr.

 

Corcoran had recently applied to be the Head Equipment Manager. That promotion looks like it’ll have to wait awhile according to Jacks player/GM Paul “Knee Drag” Maguire.

 

“We take these allegations seriously and until the investigation is complete we will be suspending Torkelson without pay for the good of the team and the sport,” said Maguire.

 

El Tigre Azul to Play Jacks Benefit in July

 

El Tigre Azul drummer Mike “Eye Strain” Maguire confirmed reports that surfaced on ESPN 8 – The Ocho - late last night  that El Tigre Azul – the most popular band in Guadalajara, MX will play a 20 minute benefit concert on Jul 27 to benefit the Jacks’ Tattoo Scholarship.

 

The Tattoo scholarship is used to get tattoos for financially disadvantaged Jacks fans and players.

 

Past scholarship winners were – Mike “Eye Strain” Maguire and tournament MVP Jon “Thighs of Ink” Stehle.

 

Jacks Get Torkelson in Waiver Deal

The Jacks elevated Beer Hawks Player Coach Greg “the Torkman” Torkelson to the show prior to Thursdays game at the forum against NJ. Torkelson was put on the 4^th line with Corcoran and Needyman and managed to score no goals on six breakaways and an empty net situation.

GM Maguire said it was an easy to decision to bring Torkelson to the show this late in the season.  “We only had to give up a puck bag and a water bottle and the water bottle leaked.”

Fans were not happy to see Torkelson come up and replace the puck bag – which was a fan favorite for the last few years.

A chorus of “Puck Bag, Puck Bag” greeted Torkelson every time he got close to touching the puck (which was not often).

Torkelson said he was just happy to make it to the D league with fellow Beer Hawks Alums Corcoran and Bosak.

Fans of the Beer Hawks embraced the puck bag and the water bottle in their first appearance in Chicago last night.  The puck bag carried the winning goal to the game and the water bottle quenched the thirst of the winning scorer.

Torkelson was one of a quartet of new Jacks players in Tampa this year – also joining Billy “Tripod” Thompson from VA and fellow Beer Hawks alum Jimmy “the Rib” Bosak. Rounding out the fearsome foursome was Peter “Newarks’ Bitch” Needyman.

 

Jacks Take 4 Out of 4 in Tampa - Finally End Two Year Drought

(SI) After demolishing the NJ Blues and the Russians  (9-2 and 8-2) the Jacks entered game 3 Friday assured of a place in the finals regardless of the score, but they wanted to head into Sundays Championship on a winning note.

After getting a 3-0 lead in the first period they held on to beat the local “D” league champion Tampa Fear 5-1 in the closest game the Jacks played in the tournament.

A rematch on Sunday against an improved NJ Blues - who were without several players due to the Delta Airlines problems which saw several players stuck in Ottawa Thursday - was close through a period and a half with the Jacks nursing a one goal lead. 

A Jacks’ penalty kill led to two short handed goals against the Blues mid-way through the 2^nd period and that effectively put it away and the Jacks held on to win 6-1.

The final game saw one Jacks’ goal called back for a high stick from Peter Needy Man” Nieman who didn’t want Greg “The Juicer” Torkelson to have as many goals as Kevin Corcoran.

GM Maguire and “Slipshod” Mike Nies of Pitcher Perfuckt Construkshun playing defense had 2 goals and 3 assists in the finals – but they also gave up the Jacks only goal when Maguire failed to stop #46 off the face-off in front of Reverend Jim the Goalie.

That NJ goal made the score 3-1 and that would be as close as NJ would get.  With only two lines there was not enough energy on the NJ bench to match the three full lines of Jacks who were relentless throughout the tournament at grinding opponents down in the later periods.

 

GAME 1 The Forum

Jacks 9 – NJ Blues 2

In a return to the Forum in Tampa - where the Jacks are undefeated – the Jacks started the tournament off in fine fashion against a short bench from NJ.  NJ showed up with only 8 skaters and a goalie for the first game.  Several team members were delayed due to flight problems on the East coast.

The most unlikely Jacks player started the scoring. GM and legendary light weight offensive threat Paul “5 Hour Energy” Maguire scored one handed from his knees on a loose puck in the crease after he was “hit” during a scrum on the 3^rd shift of the game with 2:30 gone in the 1^st. 

Six different Jacks, including Player of the Game Jon Stehle, would score in this one and none of the goals were unassisted. Stehle would have the lone Jacks Hat Trick of the weekend. The WBS line led all scorers on the Jacks over the weekend – accounting for more than 40% of the goals and the assists.

Mike “El Tigre Azul” Maguire would stop 11 of the 13 shots he faced – giving up a long shot from just inside the blue line and a late goal in the 3^rd on a rebound during a play that started as a 3 on 1 – with many of the Jacks players paying little attention to defense in the 3^rd period.  Forcing the GM to call for dumping the puck instead of going to the net for the last 12 minutes.

GAME 2

Jacks 8 – Russia 2

In a departure from previous Jacks Tampa scripts – the European team did not win the bracket or beat the Jacks.  The Jacks had gone 4-4 the last two years losing every game to a foreign team - Sweden in 2006 and Latvia in 2007.

This years’ Russian team was a mixed bag – they had five Russian born players but had to supplement their roster with three Virginians and two Floridians.

According to Poppa “Smurf” Nies – there was just enough Anglo Saxon blood on their bench to allow the Jacks to eek out a victory.

Oleg – RH’s captain and manager had predicted a Jacks/RH final Sunday morning after his teams win against the Tampa Fear Thursday afternoon.

His prediction – much like the Pats perfect season – went horribly wrong.  RH played Friday morning at the forum at 8:00 AM after a night out on the town which saw them go from the Strip Clubs directly to the Forum against NJ. The NJ Blues had all of its players for the second game. Result - NJ 9 Russia 4.  Making the Jacks-Russia game a must win.

It was not to be – the RH and Jacks team are pretty familiar with each other. Most of the Virginia Jacks play with and against the RH players in Fairfax and Ashburn. But familiarity breeds contempt and that contempt was on display when the Russians gang tackled Jimmy “the Bomb” Bosak during the National anthems. 

Bosak - who some say resembles a Chechen -raised the ire of the Russians when he spat on the Hammer and Sickle and called Lenin a Trotskyite. They retaliated by pounding him senseless while titillated Jacks looked on.

The loss of Bosak did little to slow the Jacks offensive Juggernaut and the Jacks turned on the heat and buried the former communists 8-2.

Bosak was given player of the game honors for his stalwart play after his beating. He received it in absentia as he was forced to watch the final period from the stands so that his team wouldn’t see him cry and pass out from the pain.

Jimmy “the Ribs” Bosak Sits Out Game 3 in FL Due to Enlarged Prostate

(AP) Fans were disappointed to see Jimmy “The Ribs” Bosak take a game off in Florida to take care of a six year old house cat named Prostate.  Jimmy said his Prostate became enlarged after ingesting a large quantity of OJ.

Jimmy said carrying the extra weight hurt his pussy. Its not the first time Bosak missed a game because his pussy was hurt.  In 2006 – he missed the Beer Hawks Season opener after he accidentally jammed a stick into his pussy.

GAME 3

Bosak Sits, Torkelson Scores, Corcoran Takes a Bow – World as We Know It Ends!!

Jacks 5 – Tampa Fear 1

With nothing to play for but pride and a chance to stay perfect through three games the Jacks played their second game less than 120 minutes after the first one ended on Friday.

The bench was alive with a slight odor of fear and alcohol sweat.  Down one man due to Bosak wimping out with his “bwuised wittle wibs – boo hoo hoo.  The Jacks made due and promoted tough guy Torkelson to the #1 line to spark the newly re-christened SWaT line.

The game went well except for a blatant disregard for Jacks’ sportsmanship and class – Kevin “No Points” Corcoran took a full ¾ bow in front of the visiting teams bench after he kicked a goal in that he refs somehow allowed..

This classless move resulted in a furious round of boos from Jacks Players and Fans alike. Corcoran for the record finished 10^th in scoring slightly ahead of four defenseman and a goalie.

If Corcoran hadn’t been related to the Videographer and the coach he may have been suspended.

Fans forgot all about Corcoran when they rose in unison as Greg “the Torkman” Torkleson shook-off his lifelong scoring drought long enough to net one against the Fear.

Finals

Jacks 6 - NJ Blues 1

The Jacks outshot every team during their run to the Cup but the first period against the Blues was the closest in terms of shots, play, and puck possession.  Coach “Never Chillem” Gillam said alcohol may have been a factor.  Asst. Coach Jim “Sir Snoresalot” Cassidy also blamed the epidemic of Tattoistis that plagued the team all week.  At last count as many as seven Jacks players succumbed to the dreaded lifetime scarring that often accompanies the onset of Tattooitis.  “In 39 years of coaching, I’ve never seen an outbreak so bad” said Cassidy.

The game would have been penalty free if Greg “Heart Throb” Hanson could count to five, but he can’t – which makes this writer question his building skills.

The Jacks were whistled for a “Too Many Men” on the ice penalty.  Jacks appeals through their legal counsel Walt “Ipso Facto” Williams to the refs that one of the “Men” was Torkelson and we should get credit for half a man were wasted on the crew.

It turned out that the penalty kill was just what the Jacks needed to get their s scoring touch back. 

Peter “Disk Destruction” Neiman of the  CANT line – minus Torkelson - forced a turnover in the offensive end which Corcoran converted for the second goal of the game and a 2-0 Jacks lead.  After a subsequent faceoff led to a shot on net in the Jacks end – which somehow Maguire stopped, the Jacks Mike Nies pressed the NJ defenseman at the point causing another turnover. 

In the ensuing rush – Nies and Charles “Clandetsine” Robinson traded passes (I know who would have thought you’d see Robinson, Nies, and pass in the same sentence) and Nies’ fake one timer froze the goalie. Nies just pushed the puck in for the second shorthanded goal of the shift and a 3-0 lead. 

That was it for NJ and you could see the bench slump.  They’d hung around with some excellent scoring chances throughout the first period and a half – but the two shorties were a killer.

The goodwill was further dampened when Kevin “Take a Bow” Corcoran roughed up the goalie with the Jacks ahead 6-1.  Corcoran who had been plagued all weekend with Postitis let it all come out when he viciously slashed the goalie during after a save. 

Corcoran then let Mark “Six Pack Abs” Sullivan sit the penalty when the refs confused #14 with #4.  After the game the (cont) refs explained the mistake by saying that #14 had been around the net so little that they couldn’t believe he’d get a penalty while Sullivan had been an offensive threat all weekend.

Maguire again credited the Jacks potent three line attack for the win.  “Teams that have the same talent level but have one fewer line – when they get to Sunday – between the hockey and the drinking – they just can’t hang even in an abbreviated 10-10-12 minute period format.”

Corcoran, Stehle, and Chan Promoted to Legacy Player Status

Jon Stehle – Jacks all time scoring leader used the “Selfless Act” exemption to get Legacy status along with Steve “Laundry Boy” Chan. Both players contracted Tattooitis in the form of a Jacks’ logo while in Tampa and that was enough to get them over the hump in a unanimous vote at the annual board meeting in Florida.

Kevin “Man Boobs” Corcoran also squeaked in his first year of traditional eligibility narrowly getting by with a 5-4-2 vote in his favor.  The real deciding was Mark “Hands of Stone” Kuehn who stood by via phone to help his old line mate get over the hump. It was the closest vote ever for Legacy Status eclipsing Chuck Robinson’s 6-3 vote in 2007.

Jacks’ RV Cited for Numerous Health Violations

The Jacks RV was in full swing this weekend – showing up before the team did – so that the Jacks would feel at home even on the road.  Unfortunately the RV may have been responsible for the outbreak of Legionnaire’s disease that crippled Jacks players and fans alike.

At least four members of the Nies family - including their Houseboy Steven Chan were stricken with the contagious form of bacteria. All of them and three or four others complained of milky green phlegm and tarry poo.

The Older “Poppa Smurf” Nies went home after one day and his loss in the stands was felt by everyone.

Other illnesses including some cases of Tokelsonitis that ripped through the CANT line were not tied to the RV – since no one on that line was seen hanging out at the RV - all week long!

Those severe cases were traced to an unsanitary hot tub that was used by the Chicago/Memphis contingent.

 

Assistant Equip. Manager - Hates His Shoes

Charle “Gamblin Man” Corcoran was almost scratched from Sundays final as the videographer after coming down with a bad case of shoe loathing 

The genial intern student from Whatsammata Univ  - is usually the picture of grace and composure but Friday night after he found out he had forgotten to pack his Jimmy Choo’s and had to instead wear his 2007 Manolo Blanhniks – he went wild. Apparently the server at O’Tooles’ pointed out his fashion faux pas causing Corcoran to vomit all over them. 

A lame attempt to blame the Corned Beef and Cabbage did not sit well with the head chef at O’Tooles’ Aaron O’Warmus – cousin of Aaron “Not Too Drunk to Fight” Warmus the legendary Sushi Chef at the Georgia Aquarium.

Fans may remember that Warmus once went toe-to-toe with Jacks Alum Mark “Hands of Stone” Kuehn in a winner take all brawl at TJ Shenanigans last April.

Warmus then went toe-to-toe with Slipshod Mike in a free for all at Coyote (cont) Ugly this year and managed to get a TKO on Nies before he was eventually shot down by a fat girl and her friend on 7^th Street in Ybor City Thursday evening.

 

 

 

 

 Top 50 Quotes: (in my opinion)

1. “It’s his body, he can do whatever he wants with it.  I only use it occasionally - anyway.” Ava Maguire when asked if she minded whether the goalie got a tattoo in Ybor City.