Englewood Jacks Hockey Club

Jacks Lose Championship to Former Communistas

(AP) The 89^th edition of the Jacks saw some great moments – two sets of cousins, (Maguire/Corcoran, and the Hammonds boyz);  three players form Pittsburgh the turgid city by the River; a player older than Gerry “the Golden Oak” Oakman; a farewell from Jon “Toys for Tots” Broc – who will trade in his Tickle Me Elmo for a flame thrower and some Napalm; the return of the Gillam-Cassidy Management team; the loss of Mike Strycharz due to elective liposuction; Chuck Robinson back checking (no really!!! We have video); a sunburn victim other than Reverend Jim; the annual ½ mile run and gasp featuring everybody’s pick in the cardiac arrest pool - Reverend Jim; an assault against a legacy player by a rookie – in a public place no less; a change in the official hair color of the team from brown to Artic Blond (aka silver); an appearance by two Jacks players in a Girls Gone Wild video; a Jacks player listed as an un-indicted co-conspirator in the BALCO investigation; and a Jacks player selling his Passport at a casino to cover a gambling debt.

Unfortunately for the 3^rd time in 3 years the Jacks lose in the Sunday game to a foreign team. Loyal Jacks fans will remember the loss in 2004 to the Russians in Hagerstown Who could forget - after squandering a 2 goal lead and then tying the game with 1:00 remaining the Jacks gave up the winning goal with 00:46 seconds remaining to fall 5-4.

In 2006 it was the loss to Sweden 7-3 in Tampa.  And the heartache continued on Sunday April Fools with a loss to the Vitamins from Riga Latvia 1-0 with the winning goal coming with just 1:09 remaining.

The 2007 campaign ended in another train wreck for the boys in green. After making it to the finals for the 9th consecutive tournament - a Jacks record that eclipses the mark set from 1942-1944 – known as the Golden War Years among long time Jacks fans.   The Jack’s failed to cash in against the former communist c$@# suckers from across the pond.

As usual the Jacks got plenty of support along the way from family, friends, and fanatics as they finished 2-2 over the weekend with both losses coming by way of the communists.

When asked about the defeat JJ “BC – all the way” Kozlowski” said “I never liked Stalin and I’m not sure where the former Baltic States are but I played a hell of game and I didn’t miss the net half as much as Corcoran did.”

Game 1 - Jacks 8 MA Mutiny 1

Chuck Robinson said it when the schedule came out, “Nothing good ever came out of Worcester”. Playing their first game on an NHL surface since 1918 - when the Jacks were tossed out as one of the original 7 NHL teams due to anti-Irish Racism among the early NHL founders – the Jacks didn’t miss a beat and administered a beating.

The Worcester goalie had to be treated for severe burns on his neck from the goal lamp going on and off.

A golden chance for a shut- out ended in the 3^rd period when Rev. Jim let in a softie from the concession stand.

According to team spokes- person Charles “Back Checkin’ “Robinson III, “It was the easiest goal he’d ever seen a goalie give up.”

He amended the statement several days later - under advisement from team consigliore Walt “We’ll see you in court” Williams Esq.  (of the venerable law firm Wii, Skruhim, and Harde). Robinson later said, “It was the softest goal he’d ever seen the Clown give up.”

Paul “Father Time” McGowan started the scoring in the 1st.  It was the first Jacks game for the 46 year old rookie McGowan. He’d been playing competitive shuffleboard in the 40+ coed league in New London. He’d been a Jacks’ spring call up the last 2 years but couldn’t get permission from his parole officer to leave the state. It was also the first time he’s scored in more than 4 years – a fact confirmed by his wife later that day.

Like last year, the real heroics came from some of the other rookies. Aaron “Sun Burn” Warmus got player of the game honors.  Unfortunately, that was all the thunder the Atlanta strangler would muster over the next three days. 

The victory came despite the fact that the Jacks were without the services of Mike “Coach of the Last Year” Strycharz who missed his first Jacks tournament – recovering from knee surgery.

Other scratches involved Dan “Built Ford Tuff” Somner (banned from the team by the team elders for unspecified moral problems), Joel “The Doctor” Senger (currently serving 2-3 years at the Quantico USMC brig for giving drugs to Ana Nicole his email is hockeybitch@usmc.mil, and Devilish Dan Bliss who couldn’t get permission from his girl friend to take his testicles out of state.

POTG Warmus

Shots 37-18

 

Game 2

Jon Broc Makes Inspirational Speech - Jacks Lose to Riga 3-2

So the Jacks salted away the first win of the tournament and were optimistic about the Latvians given that everyone knows Latvia is populated with pussies and girlie men.  

The “Vitamins” – which means steroids according to Mark “Barry Bonds” Kuehn erased the BKI team at the forum on Thursday and came out ready to play on Fri. Unlike previous years where – the Jacks’ first game would be Fri night – we played a late afternoon game. Riga came out physical and took advantage of some lax officiating to rack up a whopping 30 minutes in penalties during a 32 minute game.  Number 80 should have been tossed in the 2^nd after his 3^rd penalty of the game but he was allowed to stay and he scored the final goal for Riga in the third. The Jacks were on their heels all game and gave up a club record - 3 short handed goals on Friday.

The Jacks D were not able to adjust to the Riga 1-1-3 set up and constantly had people behind them all game. The 1-1-3 is extremely effective because the set up allows a 1-3 penalty kill with a blue line stack which the Jacks lacked the discipline to crack.

“Marathon Man” Mike Maguire was solid in net and the VA Beach line - that was silent in the Worcester pummeling on Thurs - got both goals.

Jon “Blades of Steel” Stehle – was a particularly put upon player he drew 4 of the 10 penalties that Riga took in the contest.  All told Riga ended up with 10 penalties for 30 minutes (the final penalty came with a 2 and 10 for hitting from behind).

POTG Corcoran

Shots 24-22

Game 3

Jacks 10 –2 Over Tampa Roadkill

The Jacks arrived at the rink Saturday afternoon needing help to continue their weekend. That help came by way of BKI from CT who beat the previously unbeaten Ontario One Timers 5-2 after falling behind early 2-0.  The Ontario squad came to FL with only 9 skaters and one of them was serving an extra long local penalty for urinating in public.  Kids at home when you pee in public don’t pee on car belonging to the Police Chief's daughter.

Games 3 against the local team had little drama. The Roadkill were a late entry to the C division and apparently in Tampa C means Crappy. They should have filled out a team questionnaire and registered in the M bracket for Masochists.

They had been pummeled in their 2 previous tilts and the only question Jacks fans had was how long would it take to get the 7 goal differential. With a win the Jacks could secure a rematch on Sunday morning against Riga due to the tie breaker being goal differential.

The Roadkill had other ideas and quickly jumped to a 2-0 lead after one period due to defensive indifference on the part of the Jacks. 

Like last years game 3 against Philly - Blades of Stehle provided most of the offense scoring after 2^nd year Coaches Dandy Don Gillam and Slim Jim Cassidy moved him from the blue line to the O line centering Chuck Robinson and Paul McGowan who had been acting as the checking line when they were paired with Steve “Nordic” Chan.

Other changes saw Walt Williams come back to the defensive side with Mark “Penalty Shot” Sullivan, Greg “Hairy Back” Hanson  slid over to support Nies and Maguire moved over with rookie Ian “Beverly Hills Cop” Hammonds.

These changes were made to combat holes in the Jacks D which were brought to their attention during Friday’s loss to Riga.

POTG Stehle

Shots 36-22

 

Game 4

Riga 1 – Jacks 0

Foiled Again

 

Sunday morning broke over a quiet Tampa Bay and like last year the Jacks were optimistic that they knew what adjustments to make and had made them. However, the Vitamins hadn’t flown 18 hrs in a plane to hand over the trophy to the boys in green.

The Jacks had already begun the pre-game prep by talking to the refs before the game to let them know how unhappy they’d been with the 30 minutes in penalties that he Riga team had taken Friday.

The tournament organizers and officials warned both teams prior to the final tilt that shenanigans would not be tolerated.

The first period came and went like a blur with the game knotted at 0-0. The penalties were 2-1 against Riga – with Warmus shadowing #8 Karpinskis - to prevent a repeat of his breakaways Friday. Karpinskis was held in check all game and he was none to happy as he took the first penalty on his first shift by leveling Steve (Hong Kong Phooey) Chan from behind in the offensive end.  It was the 3^rd time this weekend that Chan had been hit from behind and in future games the team has decided that Chan will wear a reflective vest so that he can be seen when he goes after the puck.

For his part Karpinskis said he hadn’t realized Chan was actually a player and had though that he was a street mime who had wandered on to the ice surface.

Scoring chances were even between the 2 teams and the Jacks managed to hit 2 posts early on. That was a theme that would haunt them the rest of the way.

The second period started with little fanfare but a penalty midway through against Pat “Hands on ”Hammonds while shadowing #8 gave the Riga team two great scoring chances that had the Rigan’s raising their sticks prematurely twice in a 30 second span only to find that Mike “The Denier”  Maguire had the puck safely secured (unlike his GPS, sunglasses, cigarettes, and Pepcid AC) – which were strewn about greater metropolitan Tampa.

That was the only penalty of the period and the Jacks best scoring opportunity was derailed when Chuck “Indecision” Robinson held on to it too long on a right wing break that saw Jon “Blades of Steel” Stehle open in the slot only to see Robinson get off a weak “wrista” from the concession stand.

The third period was still a tight affair at 0-0 with the Jacks out shooting the Latvians 10-6.  The Latvians took 4 penalties in the final frame and the jacks took 2.  Unfortunately the Jacks second penalty from Paul “Slinky Back” Maguire put the jacks down two skaters for 1.03.  The Jacks managed to kill off both penalties.

In the final 5 minutes the Jacks had a 15 second 5 v 3 put that effort was killed when Greg “Sweater Back” Hanson lost the puck on a rush that killed forward progress. The period was also punctuated by cheers of USA USA from the Worcester Mutiny – who were there to support the Jacks - and the Jacks season ticket holders who made the trip to Tampa.

The only tally of the game came from a long carry from Riga with 1:22 remaining.  Karpinsikis carried back from the neutral zone to his end to sucker in the Jacks.  The forward bit but 4 Jacks dropped into coverage.  Karpinskis (which means he who canoodles with sheep) carried down the left wing drew to jacks to him and hit an open Klaucans (which means fornicator with goats) #55 just inside the blue line. He had a shooting lane because the Jacks had dropped back off him.  His shot found the top corner as Maguire was going down to see around a screen from the defenseman.

The Jacks called a timeout to get a line and on and a play in.  Nies and Stehle on the blue line were supported by JJ, Corcoran and Warmus.  Patrick “The Hat-Trick” Hammonds waited on the end of the bench for the goalie to be pulled. 

The Jacks gained control with just a minute to play and Maguire game off for an extra attacker. The Jacks quickly turned it over and only a diving block by Corcoran with 30 seconds left prevented Riga from scoring a game ending empty netter. 

The Jacks regrouped gained the red line and then turned it over with 16 seconds left.  Karpinskis tried a clear that Hammonds kept in and dropped it in front of him for one last shot. But Brakovskis – as he had done all weekend - got square to the shooter – who couldn’t get the puck to settle – and made a pad save that saw the puck squirt into the right corner. Riga recovered and sent the puck the length of the ice to end the game.

It was great effort by both teams and Maguire in the Jacks net twice had made saves on shots that Riga thought were in.  In the end it was the play of Brakovskis – the #1 goalie prospect in the Riga amateur program that saved the day for Riga. The Jacks out shot Riga 27-22 – but for the first time since 1977 the Jacks were shut out in a playoff game.

Mike “Marathon Man” Maguire took star of the game honors for the Jacks and Klaucans took it for the Vitamins.  It was a much more nuanced game for the Jacks than Friday’s game and the adjustments the Jacks made to counter the errant defensive lapses worked. 

Brakovskis (which means diddler of small monkeys) #11 the Latvian wunderkind was the unanimous player of the tournament for the Over 30 bracket (that fact that he had a smokin’ hot commie girl friend did not influence judges voting).  He allowed only 5 goals over  4 games for a stellar 1.25 GAA.  Jon Stehle was the Jacks tournament MVP – as he was last year.

POTG M Maguire

Shots 26-24