Englewood Jacks Hockey Club

JACKS Lose Championship to Elderly Swedes!!!

(AP) In a stunning blow, the Jacks’ road show came to a screeching halt in Florida.  After making it to the finals for the 7th consecutive tournament the Jack’s failed to cash in against the formidable old-timers from across the pond. The Jacks got plenty of support along the way from family, friends, and the occasional stripper as they finished 2-2 over the weekend with both losses coming by way of the “fish.”

When asked about the defeat JJ “BCing you next year” Koszlowski” said “Who gives  a rats @#$# about the fish the f#$@)$ cheese heads beat the Eagles.”   It was that kind of focus and attention to detail that made JJ such a force in Tampa.

Game 1 - Jacks 6 FL Vipers 3

Things started off well enough. The Jacks dispatched the local favorites 6-3 with four goals coming from the Atlanta line of “Silent Ed” Dellapiana, Mike “CooCoo for Cocoa Pops” Kobus, and Timmy “CR” Gampel backstopped by PJ “Barbecue” Brown on the blue line. The game was never in doubt and “Sparky” Maguire turned in his best effort of the weekend. 

Unfortunately that was all the thunder the Atlanta line would muster over the three days.  And they were greatly aided in the first game by the fact that the goalie for the Florida Vipers only had one eye and he was wearing a patch over that. 

The victory came despite the fact that the Jacks were without the services of Mike “Coach of the Year” Strycharz who missed his flight to Florida after he was besieged by autograph hounds who recognized his mug at Dulles from his numerous promotional appearances on the Hannity and Strycharz show.

There was one other no show Friday night, controversial rookie signee Jon “Blades of Steel” Stehle.  Stehle had a note from his wife who accompanied him to Florida. Stehle came up through the Pittsburgh farm system and was part of the 5 player deal that brought “Cock Ring” Tim Gampel to the Jacks for the 2005 campaign.  As you may remember, that deal also sent veterans Chet “Wookie” Hamilton, “little mike” Housman, and Joel “Margret” Senger to the Atlanta No Shows in the YHL Lower Triple A.

Paul McGowan – legendary BC fan was a healthy scratch and that opened up a roster spot for Mark “Big Guns” Kuehn. Kuehn who is of limited value at even strength, power plays, penalty kills, penalty shots, ice cleaning, defense or offense is a Jacks’ legacy player and had to be taken because “little mike” Housman was not available. Kuehn did manage to distinguish himself with a nifty goal against Sweden in the finals.

 

Game 2 - Sweden 6 Jacks 2

So the Jacks salted away the first win of the tournament and were optimistic about Sweden given that Sweden was the only team in the tournament that was older than the Jacks.  However game two Saturday afternoon was anything but a cakewalk. Running an offense more complicated than an IKEA assembly manual and using every bit of their talent, the HV71’s took it to the Jacks. 

The Jacks were wearing their road whites (and greys, and reds) for the first time this season.  It was 2-1 Jacks after one and that would be the only time the Swedes would trail the entire weekend. It was 2-2 after two periods and it was downhill the rest of the way. 

Using Swedish Elite players to bolster their older players the Jacks were treated to a show. Sweden’s number 12 Sven Olafson Swenson Anderson Jonson Olssen III - known to his teammates as the “Really Young and Fast Fucker aka RYFFr (pronounced rifer)” scored 4 of the goals and assisted on the other two. 

The third period was all Sweden as RYFFr raced down the ice with constant puck support - playing that “tippy-tappy” style of team hockey that Americans can’t stand.  Greg “I’m Startin My own Company – No really!!” Hanson said he “…would have slowed them down with that clutch and grab style that Americans love except that the Swedes move to fast to clutch and grab.”

The turning point of the game was the game tying goal in the second period that deflected off of “Blades of  Steel” Stehle to even the game at 2.

Game 3 Jacks 7 – 1 PA FGBH aka The Haydon Twins Get Their Groove On

Games 3 against the team from Philly had all the drama of watching paint dry.  Needing to only lose by no more than 3 goals the Jacks were just playing to stay healthy for the rematch against the Swedes Sunday morning. The Philly team showed up late and drunk for the 5:15PM tilt. Philly enjoyed the distinction of being mathematically eliminated when they signed up for the tournament and took their weak-ass street-brawling Philly game south. 

The grind turned interesting in the second period when the Haydon brothers (not to be confused with the Hanson brothers who are much togher) – Mary and Ponytail – had a little run in with number 18 of the FGBH team (editors note – everybody on the Philly team wore #18 – apparently it was the number a deceased former teammate).

The play started innocently enough when a Philly player gave the traditional slew foot to Jacks goalie Mike “Sparky” Maguire. Then Mary Haydon got into it with number 18.  Ponytail Haydon then jumped in to assist his brother. After they were all separated Ponytail picked up the gloves of number 18 and gave them the heave ho over the boards into the stands.   He turned to ask 18 what he thought of the toss and found himself tossed 20 feet across the ice.  Ponytail then went into the fetal alcohol position while the rest of the team went into convulsive fits of laughter.

For his troubles, 18 got tossed and Mary and Ponytail got 2 minutes each.  Sadly that wasn’t the end of the rough housing. Later in the same period Paul “Punch Drunk” Maguire had his own run in with number 18.  After rushing down the ice (actually he wasn’t moving fast enough for it to be called rushing it was more like strolling) he took a “wicked wrista” that hit 18 in the shin.  Maguire followed the puck into the corner where he was brutally man handled by 18 and then face rubbed.  Maguire having attended court ordered anger management classes after last summer’s melee in Prince William skated away.  But Cock Ring Tim didn’t.  Timmy G noticed that 18’s head looked a little loose - so he tightened it up for him.  They both fell to the ice on top of each other and 18 found out why they call him “Cock Ring” Tim. Each player was assessed a 4 minute double minor.

JJ “Buy a vowel” exhorted his team to keep cool and skate away from any trouble.  Immediately following this he buried the only guy on the Philly team near his size and skated away – negating a nifty goal scored by Kevin “I Cor Cor Ran So Far Away” Corcoran.

Blades of Stehle provided most of the offense scoring five of the six goals after rookie Coach Dandy Don Gillam moved him from the blue line to the O line centering the two Haydon’s who had been acting as the checking line when they were centered by “Angry” John Broc.

Broc had centered the Haydon line in the first game but was moved to the Atlanta line. The Atlanta line had scored 4 of 6 in game 1 against the Vipers but went 0 for.. the rest of the tournament. Silent Ed had no comment on Broc’s impact to line chemistry.

Against Sweden Broc tried to have himself moved to a line with Gretzky and Neely but found out they weren’t on the Jacks.

Game 4 Sweden 7 – Jacks 3

Deja Vu All Over Again

 

Sunday morning broke over a quiet Tampa Bay as Christians everywhere went to mass to celebrate Palm Sunday and re-enact the crucifixion of their Lord Stanley. Unfortunately the Swedes – heathen dirt worshippers that they are - postponed the early services to re-enact their beating of the Jacks from the day before.

Dandy Don Gillam reminded them (sic) why they were there and told them what they had to do.  He said “If you lose this game you’ll take it to your @#$*& graves.” While he did a fairly good impression of Kurt Russell (the shoe salesman not the actor from Miracle) – it was not enough to get the Jacks over the hump.

It was 0 to 0 midway through the first and a cross up between Maguire and Mary Haydon led to a shorthanded goal by the Swedes.  It was 2-0 before the first period ended.

It was obvious that the Swedes had gotten in at curfew and watched Jacks game tapes.  They were all over Jon Stehle like an intern in the White House. They triple teamed him with a line of Olaf Bilson, Bill Olafson, and Wang Chung Olssen. He was taken completely out of the game.

It was 6-0 going into the third when Gillam changed things up.  A defensive adjustment on a defensive end face-off had Maguire sending Corcoran into the Swede end all alone against the goalie who was out of the net at the time being photographed with the championship trophy.  Another adjustment off the ensuing face-off had Nies feeding Corcoran who found a wide-open Mark Kuehn in front for the second tally of the game for the Jacks and only the second goal Kuehn had ever scored.

The same five came back on the next shift to make it 6-3 and a few minutes later the Jacks thought they had closed to 6-4 on a rush by Maguire that “Wrist Shot” Nies finished. The referee disallowed the goal citing rule 6.1.21b sub section 3 “Goals scored by players without matching skate laces can be disallowed if the goal scorer picks the puck out of the air and throws it into the net.”

It was the first time the rule had been enforced and it left the Jacks team bereft*.

*be·reft   )(b -r ft )
adj. deprived of something: They are bereft of their dignity.

 

The Swedes quickly answered with a goal of their own to make it 7-3 and the 4 goal lead triggered running time for the last five minutes leaving the Jacks with little time to scratch back into the game.

 

The Swedes were gracious winners and they replaced the souvenir pins and key chains that had been stolen on Saturday when team mascot and water boy Anthony “So help me Gawd I’ll smack Ya” Maguire put them down to take a picture of Mike Nies’ ass.

The loss on the final day was especially hard for Mike “Wrist Shot” Nies – who tallied his only goal of the tournament against Philly.  The 35+ D division the Jacks were in forbids slapshots which limited Nies’ contributions over the weekend. Although he did manage to hit every forward on his team at least once with a puck and/or a shoulder. 

The Jacks shook hands and waited till they were in the locker room to cry like little girls.

 

Stalwart blue liner Mark “Six Pack” Sullivan summed it up best.  “Until Stycharz got here we were undefeated after he got there we were 1 and 2.  I’m not saying it was his fault but I’m not saying it wasn’t either.”