(AP) The end of the 89th edition of the Jacks campaign saw a reversal of previous years – the Jacks won on Sunday but lost on Saturday night. The win on Sunday came in the Bronze Medal Game and marked the first time the Jacks had not played for Gold in team history.
Jacks’ spokesperson Paul – “Roof Rack” Maguire pointed to the loss of key members of the team as the primary reason (alcohol may also have played a teensy weensy little role as well). In particular, he pointed to the loss of one team member who was AWOL due to a birth. That’s right Coach “Gramps” Gillam couldn’t be there because his son-in-law, semi-professional law-enforcement officer Kevin “Breast Pump” – Corcoran had apparently knocked up the former Dana Gillam eight months, three weeks, and 4 days before the tournament (apparently he couldn’t subtract 9 months from late Jul). Also missing was John “Cardinal” Cushing who stayed home to watch The Guardian on HBO again. And veterans JJ Kozlowski, and Mark “Hands of Stone” Kuehn.
The weekend wasn’t a total loss. The Jacks improved their weekend record to 3-1 and took the weekend scoring honors with 30 goals in 4 games. Unfortunately they gave up 20. That led to a 3rd place finish in the round robin before winning the Bronze outright in the consolation game 7-6.
Last years winner the Valley Forge Colonials repeated, edging out the PA Thunder 5-4 in overtime in the Gold Medal game.
Again alcohol may have played a role in the collapse on Saturday when the Jacks spit the bit with a 2-0 lead and lost 4-3 to eventual tournament winners the Colonials.
Coach Cassidy – trying to manage and coach by himself without Coach Gillam was unable to keep the alcohol consumption to a minimum between games 2 and 3.
Jacks’ Tournament MVP went to Jason Williams who was recruited after
Disgraced Ref Had Links to Oaks Ice Refs
Despite statements to the contrary from Commissioner David Stern of the NBA, Tim Donaghy has implicated more officials as the point shaving scandal in
Sources close to the case indicate that Donaghy had a ring of officials that routinely shaved points in contests at all levels of competition up and down the East Coast.
In addition to NBA and College Badminton, the Donaghy clan aka the “Crooked Zebra’s” fixed everything from Bingo to Ultimate Frisbee. “If you could bet on it – you can bet we fixed it”, Donaghy is rumored to have said to cops after turning himself in to police when he felt threatened by the Gambino crime family.
Donaghy was known to frequent the “Turf Club”’ an OTB and Sports Book adjacent to the rink. The fact that officials from Oaks dined there in the company of Donaghy may have just been a coincidence, sure and next you’ll tell me that the check is in the mail, that she really did love me, and that the Moon Landing was real.
Bill Genaurdi, the tournament organizer – who’s name like Gambino’s also ends in a vowel - had no comment on the accusations.
Jacks Take Game 1 Over Moose 12-7
Jason Williams Real Deal - Walt Rides Nephew to Legacy Status
After cementing a 6-0 lead against the NJ Moose in the first period the Jacks were feeling pretty good about the weekend. They started the game missing veterans Greg “Hairy Back” Hanson and his new bitch rookie George “I’m No Engineer” Melitse. Additionally Dave “Neck Guard” Regan was a late- comer as well. As people were added to the bench the score got closer and the Moose at one time closed to 6-3, with 3 quick goals mid-way through the 2nd period. The PA Entourage Patrick “Vinnie Chase” Hammonds and his cousin - soon to be wed Ian “Turtle” Hammonds were teamed with noted back-checker Jon “Blades of Steel” Stehle to produce some offense and they seemed to score at will.
The bulk of the offense was generated by the line of Jason “Wonderboy” Williams and anybody who happened to be out there with him. He started plays finished plays and was all over the ice. The Moose had no answer for him other than a few hooks and hacks.
The signs weren’t all good though. Danielle “the Rookie” Sullivan showed that he might be a liability down the stretch after missing some wide open chances as did Turtle who missed high a lot on open nets. The defense is where the jacks looked the most uneven – “Roof Rack” Maguire is lucky he has legacy status because the toe and leg drag “…don’t work no more” and Mike “Former Coach of the Year” Strycharz looked about 7 months pregnant and played like it – passing to the other team tape-to-tape several times over the weekend when he wasn’t falling down or running into the goalie. Mike “Slapshot” Nies shook off a two week hiatus and was never crisp in his passes (when he did pass which wasn’t often) – killing a lot of power plays by not passing. Walt “Ambulance Chaser” Williams luckily has a legal career to fall back on.
POTG Jason Williams
Shots 36-27 in favor of the Jacks
Penalties - 1
Game 2
Jacks 8 Average Joe’s 3
Turtle Ejected for Bad Language
There was nothing average about the Average Joe’s. They are one of the better A league teams in the Oaks Summer League. They also – like the rest of the PA/NJ teams like to hook, hack, hold, and whine as a regular part of their play.
The Joes got the score to within 3 before the Jacks added two late in the game to close it out. The one interesting play in this event – other than another Mike Strycharz pass to the wrong team – was the brawl between Aquaman and a gold chain wearing, tattoo sporting, Camaro driving, wife beating, dog fornicating, Soprano watching, moron from the Joe’s.
The real mystery was how does a guy who gets hit 6 times in the top of the helmet and doesn’t throw a punch get the same penalty as the guy landing the punches.
Nervous female fans were gladdened to hear that Vinnie escaped with no serious bruising. His cousin Turtle unfortunately remarked that the ref might want to try an unnatural act solo and for that bit of advice Turtle was asked to sit out a game.
POTG Jason Williams
Shots 18-15
Penalties - 10
Game 3
Colonials 4 Jacks 3 Miss Chance to Go to Finals
Alcohol a Factor
The Jacks had their fate in their own hands (much the same way Southwick has his sex life) and needed only a win or tie to play for the gold on Sunday. A tie or a win would create a rematch the next morning. The Colonials were coming off of a 5-3 win over the Thunder. In that game, the Colonials overcame a 2-0, and then a 3-2 deficit to win it in the 3rd with three unanswered goals. The Colonials have that extra gear late in games that allows them to pull away.
Jacks started out with 2 1st period goals from George ‘The Shot” Melitse – who has replaced Mike “Slop Shot” Nies as the go-to-guy for a long range bomb, but unlike Nies George has some nifty moves around the net. The Colonials answered back and got within 1 with a power play goal - to close the 1st period out ahead 2-1.
The second period saw an alcohol induced lack of discipline with the Colonials taking a 4:30 penalty and a game misconduct from Andy Ashbee (son of former Philadelphia Flyers) on a leg check and hook against Vinnie Aquaman Hammonds (don’t worry girls his face looked fine).
The Jacks managed to turn the one man advantage into a 3 on 4 disadvantage by taking some ill advised penalties. John “Smack Talk” Southwick, Jason Williams and the Rookie all took multiple trips to the penalty box. Somehow Chuck “Where’s Danny Bliss” Robinson managed to stay out of the box this game – although choruses of “Shut Up” rained his way all weekend long even from the Rookie.
The Colonials capitalized and turned the 2-1 into a 4-2 advantage with 3 goals in the 2nd period. Three of the four goals scored by the Colonials were power play goals and one was during a 4 v 4. At even strength the Colonials were no match for the Jacks – but they knew it and did everything to make sure the Jacks weren’t at full strength.
After taking just one penalty in the first game the Jacks to 17 in the 2nd and 3rd combined. That’s just not good hockey.
A time out with little more than 2 minutes left railing 4-2 allowed the Jacks to close within 1 goal with a blast from Nies. But with Stehle, Williams, and Hammonds shut out of the scoring in this one the Jacks found themselves out of the Money trying to play for the Bronze on Sunday.
The goalie was stellar in this one and kept the Colonials off the board in the 3rd but it wasn’t enough.
POTG Mike Maguire and George Melitse
Shots 19-24 in favor of the Colonials
Penalties – 9
Game 4
Jacks 7 Moose 6
Moose Lose in Last Minute Jacks Take Bronze
Moose vs. Jacks part deux had only one question to be answered – would the game end in a brawl or be called because of a brawl.
The answer was neither the Jacks managed to finish the tournament out with one of the best Jacks wins evah!!!
After jumping out to a 1 goal lead – the Jacks began a pattern of trading goals with the Moose. It went 1-1, 2-1, 2-2, 2-3, 2-4, 3-4, 4-4, 4-5, 5-5, 5-6, and finally 7-6.
The drama came in the last period. Trailing 5-6 with less than 5 minutes left the Moose went on a 3 shot barrage that had Sparky Maguire scrambling and out of the net. The rebound moved to the top of the box and the defenseman was looking at an easy empty netter that would have put then up by 2. Then out of nowhere Danny Sullivan (no longer The Rookie) slid in front of the shot sans cup and “took one for the team.”
Asked after what the heck he was thinking – Sullivan responded that alcohol may have impaired his judgment a little casing him to sacrifice his body.
Roof Rack Maguire had this to say about the play – “It took a lot of guts and a lot more beer to get Danny into that position. I wouldn’t a done and I wear a cup.”
Sullivan’s play inspired the team and with 3 minutes left the Jacks took their time out and again the bench was again shortened with Melitse, Southwick and Nies anchoring the blue line.
Danny Sullivan had earned himself a spot on the rotation and with the goalie pulled at the 1:20 mark, Sullivan centered a pass from behind the net to Jason Williams. Williams as he had done all weekend - left no doubt and buried behind the goalie to tie it at 6-6 with :54 second left.
After a quick trip to the bench the team decided to play for the win in regulation. The Moose won the face off stormed down the left side and were turned at the goal line by Southwick. Southwick then finagled the puck up the ice to Williams who went with a give and go and crossed into the Moose offensive end with :22 seconds left – screams from the Moose bench to play man went unheeded and with :09 seconds left William banged home the winner :45 seconds after he had tied it up.
The Moose couldn’t make eye contact going through the handshake line. They had squandered a two goal lead and two one goal leads in the last period and gave up the game tier and winner in the last minute. That’s just not good hockey.
POTG Jason Williams
Play of the weekend Danny “the Rookie No Longer” Sullivan Slides at the top of the box to eat a Slapshot and saves a goal and the game. Asked afterwards what went through his head when he went down to eat the puck, “Please don’t hit me in the nads I don’t wear a cup.”
Shots 35-34 in favor of the Jacks
Penalties – 9
Ask Doctor Sully
Hey Doc,
How many whacks on the head is it safe to take from a plate before you see brain damage.
Danielle from
Danielle from
That’s a great question. We asked the people at the USDA. They said a cow usually takes 2-3 slams to the head before it’s ready to be turned into beef tips.
They think that the human head can take at least 4-5 blows to the head without damage. But look out for things like memory loss, bladder control issues, blocking shots without a cup, or memory loss – stuff like that may indicate severe brain damage.
Hey Doc,
If a beautiful girl comes to my room late at night wearing only a towel, what should I do?
Chuck 36 from Bristow
Well Chuck,
First you should turn off the Spanktravision in your room. Then you should invite her in and give her a drink. Then when she is comfortable and ready – you should call Jason Williams and/or John Southwick – because its obvious she’s didn’t come to the room to spend time with your tired old ass.
Hey Doc,
I’m thinking of moving up from Masters B league to PA A league – what exercises should I start doing.
Mike (7 months pregnant)
Mike,
You should look at a routine that includes an 8oz glass of fresh Mexican River Water twice a day for 2 weeks. Then try putting down that 4th beer when you get home from work and try tossing the ball around with your kids.
Hey Doc,
It’s Greg from
Greg Fairfax
Greg,
No problem. A lot of men your age have body image issues. It’s the media. You see pictures of Paris and Nicole Ritchie and you think - maybe a little case of Bulimia wouldn’t be so bad.
But remember it’s not how you look on the outside that matters. The only thing that matters is that you continue to bring Melitse to future Jacks’ tournaments or we’ll run your fat hairy ass off the team so fast Chan won’t have time to clean you jersey.
Hey Doc,
My neighbor Mike Strikarse gave me a prison tat and it didn’t come out right what should I do?
Asian Man from
Steve is that you?
If the tattoo is small enough you could try growing some hair over it and tell people it’s a pre-cancerous mole. If it’s too big just wait ‘til you get sent to prison for real for a security violation and your asian cellmate Sodo May will sort it out for you.
That’s all from here. See you next time.
Top Quotes List
1. “Steve can I ask you a professional question? What’s the best way to clean suede?” Connie to Steve Chan on Friday night at the ‘99s.
2. “Kevin Who?” Jason Williams after he was asked how he thought he rated against former Jacks’ Superstar Kevin “Never Playing Again” Corcoran.
3. “What the F#$%@! When I played - we at least made it to the finals!” Kevin “Thin Skin Corcoran when he was told that people had forgotten who he was.
4. “Hey Jim get up here and have a beer just be careful you don’t break your hip.” John Southwick to Jim Williams during the Shotgun Beer contest round 2.
5. “Hey #11 nice shot. Why don’t you bend that twig and let it go, my mom shoot harder than you!” John Southwick to #11 on the Colonials who took a shot on net which hit the goalie in the chest and almost killed him.
6. “Hey Jim wake up, lets go. Its almost senior citizen discount time at McDonald’s we can get you a coffee for .27 cents.” John Southwick to Jim Williams after he fell asleep sitting up on Saturday night.
7. “Yeah go ahead and pick up the garbage….Rookie.”
8. “Hey rookie - stop talking! By the time you’re a legacy player I’ll be a grandfather.” Chuck Robinson to Rookie Danielle Sullivan after he tried to offer his opinion about something.
9. “Sure I think there might be something between us. He’d make a good friend”
10. “Go ahead - hit me harder.” Danielle Sullivan to Mike Maguire Saturday night after he agreed to let Maguire break a plate over his head and it didn’t beak the first 2 times. It took 6 whacks over his head total.
11. “You shut up. You stop breaking plates over his head. And You - You stop pulling his finger.” Mark Sullivan to Chuck Robinson, Mike Maguire, and Jason Williams respectively in Chucks Suite Saturday night.
12. “Why don’t you just call the penalties that you know” Ref Donaghy to the Jacks’ bench after we complained about the lack of a penalty shot on Sunday afternoon.
13. “It took him all day to get drunk – it’s gonna take more than missing a shift to get him sober.” Paul Maguire to Chuck Robinson after Robinson suggested they bench Jason for a few shifts to start the 2nd game Saturday because he might’ve been a little hammered.
14. “That’s F@#$% Bulls@#$” Ian Hammonds to the ref after his cousin Vinnie got tossed in the 2nd game for turtling after he got punched 6 times in the helmet. For his troubles the Ref gave Ian a 10 minute misconduct which in the 3rd period carries a 1 game suspension.
15. “Shut up Chuckie!” Paul Maguire to Chuck Robinson – all weekend!
16. “The Rookies not closing that deal.” Mark Sullivan about his adopted nephew Danielle’s chances of hooking up with
17. “You’re SOL rookie. It’s either the floor or you sleep with goalie.” Paul Maguire to Danielle Sullivan after he came home at 5AM Sunday morning.
18. I’m not sleeping with the goalie – he broke a f#$%^g plate over my head!” Danielle Sullivan in reply to Paul Maguire’s offer.
19. “Light Starch.” Mark Sullivan to Steve Chan after he bagged up the dirty Jacks Jerseys and laid them at Chan’s feet on Sunday.
20. “You have two choices 1) you go inside to your rooms –quietly! Or 2) I’ll call someone and they’ll come over here to talk to all of you. – You’ve been warned!” Night manager at Hampton Inn to the Jacks team out on the patio Saturday night.
21. “Will the people you call be bringing any beer?” Mike Strycharz to the night manager after she warned the team. She then went in and called the cops.
22. “Is there something you want to say to me?” Police officers to Mike M and Danny when they were walking through the hotel with beer after the manager called them.
23. “No. Is there something you want to say to me?” Mike M to the police officers on his way to Chuckie’s suite to break plates over Danny’s head.
24. “I’m the enforcer here.” Ref to John Southwick after Southwick gave his 7th face wash of the day to a player from the average Joe’s.
25. “I can’t play that weekend. My wife is having my surprise 40th Birthday that weekend.” Bill One Pass Per Game Thompson on why he couldn’t play in PA.
26.
27. “Go away. You’re scaring my child!!” Women in room 323 who answered the door when Slapshot Mike and Mark Sullivan thought they were outside the room of Paul and Mike Maguire room 321.
28. “I got a good feeling about our chances!” Chuck “Nostradamus” Robinson predicting the Jacks would get some help and play in the finals. The Thunder then beat the Average Joes and the Moose by a combined score of 19-2 to finish ahead of Jacks on the second tie breaker.
29. “Hey guys – this is where I hurt your feelings and tell you you’re done for the day.” Roof Rack to Channah, Turtle, and Danny Sullivan on Saturday when he shortened the bench.
30. “This is the first tournament I haven’t gotten a penalty in.” Danny Sullivan to Roof Rack after game 2 in game 3 he got 3 penalties and turned the puck over which led to a goal for the Colonials.
31. “Hey Mike what do you think of George’s shot” Paul Maguire to Mike Maguire. He responded “I don’t know, I’ll let you know when after I see one.” George had scored 3 straight times during warm-ups and then scored 2 fantastic goals in the losing effort against the Colonials.
32. “Paul, I think our drinking team has a hockey problem!” Dangerous Dave Regan after we lost the 2nd game Saturday night mainly due to alcohol abuse Saturday afternoon.
33. “Walt, control your nephew.” Roof Rack to Walt while Jason was urinating in public through the fence at the Hampton Inn onto a car parked in the handicap spot.