JACKS Players Test Positive for Beer!!
(ESPN) In a stunning development the Jacks top players tested positive for a controlled substance in post-tournament testing. More than half the rostered players A-samples came back with positive test results for Lupulin according to an unnamed source in the Jacks front office.
Reached for comment in his palatial seaside villa in
Resident know-it all Paul “Knee Drag” Maguire had this to say about the situation. “As everybody knows, the active principle in hops is a fine, yellow resinous powder called "lupulin" which is always classified as a narcotic because it will dull the sense in moderate doses and cause stupor or coma in larger amounts. A good example of these effects would be the effect it had on Mike “Former Coach of the Year” Strycharz Saturday evening.
The Jacks will await the result of the B-sample tests next month before handing out punishment, Rumors that a player tested positive for pregnancy have been denied
Additionally at least two other players tested positive for talent – which was completely unexpected.
Jacks Grocer Picks Monica Lewinski Flavored Bubba Burgers
The Jacks chief grocer Jon “Water Pump” Broc announced that the team now has an official Hamburger the “ML Extra Creamy Bubba Burger.” Broc said “They go down faster than an intern in the White House and they won’t stain.”
Dave Regan Makes Grand Return to Jacks
(AP) Fans were ecstatic to see Dave “Zipper Neck” Regan back on the ice for the PA Ultimate Hockey Championships in Oaks PA last weekend. Looking none the worse for wear Regan managed to pot a few goals, chug a few beers, and share PBR honors with JJ “Killer” Koszlowski in game 3 comeback against the Moose.
Regan as you may remember was injured in a freak gardening accident in May and doctors had predicted a return to Shennanigans no earlier than October.
Regan credited team physician Dr. Pheel Goode for his miraculous recovery. I was on a strict diet of chips and salsa through most of June and it helped me get back into the shape I’m in.
Jacks Get Asian in Waiver Deal
The Jacks elevated Radford Alum Steve “Channah” Chan to the show prior to Fridays first game against the Tom n’ Jerrys. It marked the first time the Jacks’ have taken an Asian out of spring training.
The Jacks, as you may recall, were the first team to start two Pollacks (Strycharz and Koszlowski) in the same game back in 2003. Disney is developing a project based on that game called “Remember the Glory Hole Titans”
Team Captain Maguire said “It’s high time to integrate the major league squad. We’ve had racists on the team for a long time and it was time to actually have someone on the team for those guys to be racially insensitive too.”
Chan said he was just happy that he could play alongside some of the round eyed heroes from his childhood.
When asked whether this meant women might make a return to the Jacks roster after a two year hiatus Maguire responded “Anythings possible. Someday we may discover a cure Yankee Fans. Someday we may land men on the moon. Someday Johnny “UC” Corcoran might make a good pass. Someday monkeys might fly out of my a$$. Anythings possible”
Somner Returns
(WTF) Dan “Disco Donna” Somner – stalwart of the Cone Head Line surprised everyone by making the 22 hour drive from Buffalo to PA to play in games 2, 3, and 4 this past weekend.
It’s normally a 5 hour drive, but Dan was using Ford’s revolutionary new GPS assistance system in his truck
Dan earned the PBR player of the game honors for game 2 but he was mildly ineffective the rest of the way and was almost non-existent through the first period in the finals before playing mediocre hockey for the last 2 periods.
Jacks Take 3 Out of 4 in Philly and Get No Love in Finals
(SI) After completing back to back shutouts (5-0 and 9-0) the Jacks entered game 3 Saturday night needing only a tie with the Moose to play in the finals against the Leafs. After falling behind 4-2 to the Moose after 2 periods, they turned to Jacks rookie Dan “Blister In the Sun” Bliss to get back even before Dave Regan salted it away with the 8th goal for the Jacks with a minute 1:35 left to play.
The game saw 3 Jacks’ goals either called back or missed by the reffing crew. JJ was victimized early in the second but kept his composure to share PBR game honors with Regan.
Things looked glum early after 2 shut-outs the Jacks looked dazed after giving up goal #1 of the tournament in the 3rd game.
Maguire and Slipshod Mike Nies of Pitcher Perfuckt construction gave up the first 2 goals – 1 of them shorthanded on a seeing eye slapper from the point.
The Jacks cut it from 2-0 to 2-1 but then gave up 2 goals on a shift to invoke the mandatory 2 goal rule line change to go down 4-1 with 1:23 left in the 2nd.
By the end of the second it was 4-2 and it was all over except the Moose didn’t know it.
The Jack’s tied it at 4 and went a head 5-4 before trading goals one more time at 6 all before going ahead for good late in the 3rd.
Scoring was balanced with goals by JJ, Corcoran, Slipshod, Channah, Danny B, and Chuckie pacing the team.
Finals Jacks 2 Leafs 8
Game 4 started 15 minutes late which led to a protest that was ignored by the tournament and on ice and off-ice officials.
The Leafs had seriously beefed up for the finals and had 12 players and a goalie – who was himself on parole for hitting his lawyer. Walt kept his distance when he heard that.
The Leafs quickly took advantage of sloppy passing and poor execution to score on their 3rd shot with a nifty top right hand corner goal from the slot.
The Jacks were at a disadvantaged early drawing several penalties and playing shorthanded. The second goal came when #19 broke through the neutral zone slipped it by a leg dragging Paul Maguire and picked it up on the other side for a quick flip over the diving goalie.
Jacks frustration led to more penalties and Slip Shod Mike Nies took an ill advised one against #19 when he thought that he’d beaten Maguire on a duplicate play of the 2nd goal. With Nies in the box the Leafs struck quickly for a 3-0 advantage.
The Jacks never recovered and never got on the same page all game and found themselves down 5-0 after 2 periods of play and shorthanded 4 times. Retaliation and body checking penalties accounted for most of the Jacks penalty woes.
The younger faster Leafs were able to use the large open ice surface to dictate the tempo after 24 minutes.
Coach Cassidy and Gillam were unable to create a solution between periods to get on the board.
The Jacks looked to get close and scored at the 9 minute mark after a poor whistle erased a goal in 3 on 0 situation. The play was whistled dead to allow #19 to get off the ice after he tripped over the puck at the blue line. The Jacks wasted no time on the ensuing offensive zone face-off and popped the shutout balloon when Robinson converted from the high right hand slot.
The leafs answered back within 2 minutes to go up 6-1 and a second Jacks goal to cut it to 6-2 with 3 minutes left was answered by #91 on the Leafs who went end to end and roofed it for a water bottle goal to make it 7-2 leafs and start automatic running time.
A final goal from the Leafs with 1:34 left made it 8-2 and a Jacks time-out to get a safety line out was fortuitous because the Leafs leading 8-2 decided to goon it up for the last shift.
It started with 3 consecutive hooks against Jon Blades of Steel Stehle on a rush which went uncalled by a reffing crew that was in a hurry to end the game and collect the game check from the Leafs.
Stehle was then roughed in the corner and with the whistles put away the Leafs wnet end to end and Miek the goalie made an ill advaised clear that allowed #3 of the Leafs to walk in alone on an empty net which he missed.
Slip Shod Mike picked up the loose puck rounded the net and was then submarined by #63 on a dangerous cheap shot.
Gloves came off and Slip Shod grabbed #63. A 3rd man in from the Leafs brought Sullivan off the sidelines to even it up and everybody grabbed a body.
The Leafs goalie then went end to end and grabbed Insane Mike and swung at him while Mike was already occupied with a Leafs forward.
30 seconds and several punches later order was restored and the game clock mercifully ran out and the Leafs got the coveted trophy and the Jacks got their picture taken.
Maguire Summed it up – “We certainly got beat by a better team but we didn’t get beat by the team that won the previous 3 games.
There was a happy ending for the Jacks though. The Jacks player went to the parking lot for Bubba Burgers and beer and later that day went home to high paying jobs and beautiful wives and girl friends.
The Leafs went back to sharpening skates, stocking shelves at Wal-mart, and sleeping with their skanky hoes from
The Make A Wish Foundation – the group that helps children realize a childhood dream stepped in to try and make one lucky Jacks Fan’s wish come true but alas it was not to be.
Stephanie Stehle – the self confessed Jacks biggest fan and wife of Jacks Defenseman Jon “Blades of Steel” Stehle is suffering from second hand beer syndrome a common mental disorder found among the wives of hockey players.
It affects hundreds of thousands of women all over the globe. Essentially they get intoxicated by the close proximity to alcoholic hockey players. There is no known cure.
Her wish was to have her favorite Jacks player and husband Jon score a goal for her on her 1st wedding anniversary. Despite hogging the puck and leading the team in shots and having the Jacks average 6 goals a game - Stehle was shut-out over the weekend.
She said that “.. being married to Jon for a year has taught me a lot about disappointment and I’ll just have to get over it. It’s my fault really. I should have just taken the #$@! trip to Disney World. Its not the first time that Jon has gone a weekend without scoring for me.”
“B A G G O - B A G G O - B A G G O and BAGGO Was His Name O”
BAGGO a tailgating game similar to Cornhole that can be played without the uncomfortable an@# sex component – has been chosen after extensive testing and trials as the official tailgating game of the Englewood Jacks.
Other games that fell by the wayside - chainsaw juggling, ass spackling, midget tossing, burining cross dancing, and Ukrainian Spooging were deemed to unsafe, expensive, or taxing for tailgating use.
“The upkeep on the midgets alone caused a doubling of tournament fees over the last year. And the chainsaw incident with Zipper Neck led to the loss of the Jacks insurance policy.” That according to Coach Cassidy and an unnamed source in the Jacks front office.
Lack of RVs leads to Cancellation of Grease the Fat Fan Night”
The tropical storms last Wednesday ended the 4 year run of RVs at Jacks’ tournaments. It also led to the cancellation of the popular fan favorite activity “Grease the Fat Fan”
The Jacks tried to make up for it with a “Game Used Mouth Guard Giveaway” after the finals but here were few takers.
Instead they settled on a variation of Puck-a-Chuck. During that event players take turns throwing Pucks at Chuck Robinson.
Intestinal Parasite Fells Cardinal
John “Cardinal” Cushing was almost scratched from Sundays final after coming down with a rare stomach ailment caused by the parasite “Millerius Coorsish Hopsis Vomitus”.
Cushing claims he was exposed to the parasite at Saturday’s cookout. Team doctors were highly skeptical and cited the fact that he was a coast guard weenie what’d you expect.
PBR AWARDS
o Game #1 Mike Maguire Goalie
o Game #2 Dan Somner Forward
o Game #3 JJ Koszlowski and Dave Regan Forwards
o Game #4 Mike Maguire Goalie
Team MVP
o Dan Bliss Forward
15. “80% of Dave Regan is better than 100% of me.” Paul Maguire explaining why he activated Dave off the disabled list 2 months early.
14. “Do you guys really play hockey.” “No but we did stay in a holiday Inn Express.”
Discussion between Jacks player and waitress at
13 “Man all this beer is going to get wasted” “The only thing that’s going to get wasted is you”
Mark Sullivan lamenting that there were 10 cases left Saturday night and Paul Maguire correcting him.
12.b. “I wiped my a$$ with that pillow you still want it? The Insane Clown Goalie to Paul Maguire when he marked which bed was his.
12.a. “Sure it does. Except for the three guys who skated right by you” Mark Sullivan to Paul Maguire after Maguire claimed his lame leg drag works in PA as well as VA.
11.b. I’ll tell you something about Walt. Walt’s got a dark side” “No shit he’s lawyer you idiot.” Conversation between Mike Strycharz and Paul Maguire after watching Walt “Wild Thing” Williams win 4 consecutive drinking games.
11.a “Real Men Do” Waitress to Dan Bliss when asked whether any patrons ever finish the large side of vomit sausage and biscuits that comes with the Country Breakfast at Bob Evans Saturday.
10. “It was the steak tips” John “Cardinal” Cushing to team after throwing up Sunday morning and blaming the the beef instead of the beer!!! It didn’t work for Strycharz in MD it won’t work for Cushing.
9.b. “Don’t worry we won’t be ordering much we just want one last round.” Channah to nice smelling waitress at the
9.a “Look at the scoreboard asshole” Charles “Chuckie” Robinson to Moose player after getting whacked in the 3rd period.
8.b “Me and my wife are great at corn hole” Jon Blades of Steel Stehle talking about his wifes prowess at the official tailgate game of the Jacks.
8.a “I can’t even go into an IKEA without having flashbacks” Kevin “Sergei”Corcoran recounting his PTSD issues following the
7. “All the food we eat on hockey weekends is good for you …except for the tarry pooh!” Kevin “Sergei” Corcoran defending his diet on tournament weekend.
6. “Holy sh#$! These guys are older than my dad!” Moose player to Mike Strycharz in the shower after seeing how old the Jacks were after the Jacks 8-6 come from behind win.
5.b. “Yeah but they had like 25 guys” Moose player to his girlfriend when she pointed out that the Jacks were a bunch of old guys.
5.a. “Nah the shirts still look pretty gay!” Sheila Maguire to Paul Magure when asked if she liked the shirts any better after they were crested.
4.b. “How many guys are on your f#$@!#’ team?” Ref to Paul Maguire after the second game.
4.a. “Hey are you guys named after Coach Jule’s team? Ref to Kevin Corcoran before the first game.
3.b. “I had fun” The only 3 words Dan Bliss said all weekend!!!
3.a. “I’m staying away from the orange juice - it's like Kryptonite” Mike Strycharz at Bob Evans Saturday morning for breakfast.
2.d “Well we just solved the problem with the extra line.” JJ to Lemma. K Corcoran, and P Maguire after Slip Shod Mike drove the Jacks’ boat away and left them to drowned
2.c. “You better hide that Yankees hat or I’ll wipe my a$$ with it!” The insane Clown Goalie to Matt “Walks with Limp” Lemma Friday.
2.b. “Its not tea bagging - its Baggo” Paul Magure trying to explain the tailgating game to Chick Robinson.
2.a “I know you have steak tips. You’re not fooling me – you’re just pretending to clean off the grill” Mark Sullivan to the team around the grill Sunday afternoon. It turns out he was right and the tips were eaten 7 hours later.
1.c. "I had a full ride to UNH, but I didn’t want to do the dry land training" #91 from the Leafs explaining why he dropped out of college and was working as a skate sharpener at Oaks Ice.
1.b. - “That’s the price you pay for being stupid'” Mike Strycharz to Paul Maguire Sunday morning explaining how he lost his Ray Ban’s Saturday night when he passed out next to the bus.
1.a. – “The clown scares me – I think he’s a racist.” Channah to the team explaining why he wouldn’t sleep in the goalies’ room.
1. “You lose this game and you’ll take it to your f@#$#@ graves” Coach Don to the team before the thrashing in the finals at the hands of the Leafs.