Englewood Jacks Hockey Club

The Home of Hockey Since 1918

Jacks Go 2-1-1 in PA Get Bronze

Stinky Greg Pays Tournament Fee and News Letter Embargo Ends!!!

(UPI)  After 22 days the final check for PA was received form “Stinky” Greg Gorzelnik.  Gorzelnik a Yankees and Giants fan was sitting on the money in case he needed it as a deposit for post-season Yankee tickets. The writing was on the wall and he decided to close out his balance with the league. In his explanation letter he said “Sorry, but I needed the money to pay for my son’s tuition at the US Military Academy at West Point.” In a fit of protest, Gorzelnik sent his remittance in on Yankee stationary hoping that league officials would refuse to cash the check.

 

Unfortunately for him, League Treasurer Sheila Maguire stated that “Yankee money spends just as well as real money!”

JACKS Player Diagnosed with PTSD

(ESPN) Kevin “No Goals” Corcoran might as well have stayed home for the 2008 Oaks Tournament.  He finished with the same number of goals as his boyhood idol Greg “Beer Chug” Torkelson – who didn’t make the trip.  (Torkelson is still sidelined in Chicago until he finishes his mandatory beer chug from Tampa four months ago – reports say he’s almost half done).

 

Corcoran also finished with one less goal than Mark “Hands of Stone” Kuehn and Steve “Silent G” Chan who both potted near empty netters in the Jacks 8-4 win on Saturday.  Corcoran, who used his last remaining “man-pass” from his wife to come east, was held scoreless over the three day tournament.

 

A preliminary MRI showed that Corcoran was indeed suffering from the dreaded PTSD – Post-Torkelson Scoring Disease. The MRI showed a large growth near the rectum that looked suspiciously like a head.  Torkelson was able to overcome his affliction and put one in at Tampa but Corcoran was not so fortunate.

 

You may recall Corcoran was named this past spring in the Bitchell Report to Congress as part of the Professional Wiffle Ball doping scandal. His preseason urine sample and a subsequent B sample collected in the wake of his walk off homer on opening day of the season tested positive for performance enhancing substances. Unconfirmed reports indicate Corcoran tested positive for Torkelson’s blood in his urine sample.  No comment was forthcoming from the League’s disciplinary office.

 

        

Jacks Hockey Jerseys $320

Jacks Banners $62

Jacks Coaches Jackets $35

Three Weeks Without Robinson – Priceless!!!

There are some things that money just can’t buy …. For Everything Else there’s MasterCard – Official Credit Card of the Englewood Jacks

 

 

 

Dave Regan Granted Legacy Status by Jacks

 

(AP) Fan favorite Dave “Never Say Die” Regan was unanimously voted a Legacy player by the Jacks in a well attended emotional ceremony in the Oaks parking lot.

 

Regan, who was not present at the star studded gala had to leave early to set his VCR to tape the TeleTubbies, was visibly moved by when told of the honor. He said “I consider myself to be the luckiest man alive.”

 

His wife Janie was also visibly moved. Technically she moved so that she would avoid the spectacle of former Prince William Coach Mike “Ashburn” Strycharz urinating in public (again) during the ceremony.

 

Jacks Franchise to Start Play in Mass Beer League Fall ‘08

 

(WSJ) Plans were underway for additional east coast expansion and the Jacks licensed the famous Green and Gold to an as yet undisclosed MA Team which will begin play this September in ye olde Bay Colony.

 

Negotiations were conducted by Chuck “Yadda Yadda Yadda” Robinson and a financial backer outside Boston.  The announcement sent EJ (NYEX) prices skyrocketing in late hours trading. Rumors that the backer was a former Jacks player are unconfirmed at this time.

 

As part of the deal Robinson agreed not to talk for three weeks until an official announcement can be made.  In order to enforce the gag order Robinson has begun a short scouting trip to the middle-east looking for talent in the Kuwaiti Hockey League (KHL).

 

Bob “Goose” Gousset Awarded Candy Ass Status

 

Bob Gousset making his first trip east to play for the Jacks from the Jacks’ Chicago affiliate the Beer Hawgs, was awarded Candidate Ass status by the Jacks Alum in a hotly contested voting year.

 

Gousset – believed to be part French Canadian and part auto mechanic, took time off from his busy automotive business to play for the Jacks (the word play is used very loosely here). Like Corcoran he potted no goals as well, but he did stay near a Holiday Inn Express.

 

El Tigre Azul Tribute Band Dies in Freak Airline Disaster!!

 

El Tigre Azul, that well known hair-band of the late 80’s and early 90’s and the official house band of the Jacks, was devastated to learn that “La Tigre Azul” a Guatemalan  tribute band that plays El Tigre Azul covers died in a horrific crash while en route to “Rocklahoma ‘08” aboard a chartered 707. The Buddy Holly Airlines flight was struck shortly after takeoff by a bolt of lightning.

 

La Tigre Azul was filling in for El Tigre Azul who couldn’t be there because of a court injunction preventing them from ever getting back together in the United States.

 

The chartered plane was en route to Patsy Kline Airfield in Oklahoma before they crashed just short of the Richie Valens water basin. There were no survivors.

 

Sales of the last studio album put out by the La Tigre rose 12% following the crash.

 

Drummer/Goalie Mike “Eye Strain” Maguire confirmed reports that surfaced on ESPN 8 – The Ocho - late last night that El Tigre Azul – will play a tribute concert at the Van Zandt Planetarium in Guatemala (date TBD) if Customs will allow them to leave the country.

 

                        Jacks Get Deal on Barbers of Just Saynoville

The Jacks got a twofer when they signed John “No need for a” Barber to a trial contact and got his son Dylan as a throw-in for cash consideration.  The GM wisely consented to give both Barbers a chance to play in PA.  Former goalie Dylan Barber notched several goals over the weekend and was seen shot-gunning a Yoo-hoo (vice the traditional Jacks player of the game POTG drink – the cheapest beer) to celebrate POTG honors against the Valley Forge Colonials.

        

Jacks Hat $15

Jacks Golf Shirt $15

Jacks Tournament Fee $50

Seeing Torkelson Score as Many Goals as Corcoran in PA – Priceless!!!

There are some things that money just can’t buy …. For Everything Else there’s MasterCard – Official Credit Card of the Englewood Jacks

 

Jacks Go 2-1-1 and Finish with Bronze in Oaks PA

(SI) After going 4-0 in the Tampa tournament with a stacked squad, the old guys in PA could do no better than 3rd over the three day weekend. The Jacks had a severe scoring drought in PA mustering only three goals in the final two games of the weekend. The only reliable scorers all weekend were George “Light the Scoring Lamp” Melit$e and former goalie Dylan Barber.  Billy “Short Stick” Thompson showed some life early on in games 1 and 2 but faded along with the rest of the “supposed scorers” in the final two games when it counted.  It was eerily similar to the Fairfax Jacks collapse 2 years ago when they went undefeated only to bow out in round one of the playoffs.

Recruitment hurt the team with regular players on sabbatical or medical IR, it was a squad filled with tired old men, a shaky goalie, and too few superstars that traveled north to the Oaks Ice arena which has become a haunted house of disappointment for the Jacks the last 3 years. A front office shake-up was averted when the addition of the Barbers was attributed to current Gm Maguire. Additions by long time veteran scouts Mark “Civilian” Sullivan and Corcoran netted one goal and 5 penalties. So the there may be a shakeup coming to the scouting staff.

The lack of any scoring from Corcoran and the absence of Jack’s all time leading scorer and fan favorite Jon “Blades of Steel” Stehle and long time veterans Chuck “Yadda Yadda Yadda” Robinson and Slapshot Mike hurt the Jacks chances to win it all in PA.  The lone bright spot was the 2-2 tie with the eventual Cup winners the VF Colonials. The Colonials have owned the Jacks going back two years to the 7-2 finals route in 2006 and the 4-2 loss against the Colonials last year after the Jacks squandered a 2-0 lead.

The Jacks dug themselves a deep hole going down 2-0 against the Colonials giving up two power play goals before rallying in the 3rd to come away with the tie on Dylan Barber’s power play goal with less than 3 minutes left.  That put the Jacks in medal contention. They lost the Pool A tiebreaker on goals against and drew the tough NJ team - the pool B champs in the semis. The Colonials had an easy time in their semis game - winning 6-1 and resting many starters.

After starting strong on Friday night the Jacks could do nothing against a tough Dexter’s team from New Jersey in the semis. The Dexter’s team went on to lose the championship game 1-0 in OT against 3 time winner the Valley Forge Colonials. 

It was a great run and no one got arrested – so all in all not a bad weekend!

Training camp starts in 2 weeks with the first ever Fairfax Kick-Off Classic – roster spots are still open.

A hearty thanks to the coaching staff who make all of this easier – Dandy Don Gillam and Gentleman Jim Cassidy.

 

        

Tournament Hotel $85

Buffalo Wings at Molly Maguire’s $95

Signed Bobby Orr - Gordy Howe Photograph $350

Finally seeing Maguire Speechless – Priceless!!!

There are some things that money just can’t buy …. For Everything Else there’s MasterCard – Official Credit Card of the Englewood Jacks

 

 

 

 

PBR Award Winners

o        Game #1 Mike Maguire

o        Game #2 George Melitse

o        Game #3 Mike Maguire, Dylan Barber, George Melitse

o        Game #4 Dylan Barber

Team MVP

o        George Melitse

 

 

 

Top Quotes: (in my opinion)

 

  1. “Then vomit in his eyes.”  Kevin Corcoran to Mike Strycharz in the locker room before the semi-finals game.

 


  1. “Where’s my cab?” Mike and Mike wondering where the cab was that would take them to Molly Maguire’s on Saturday night. Mark Sullivan canceled the cab and both Mike’s eventually fell asleep outside waiting for it.

 

  1. “You were undefeated when I played!” Torkelson commenting on the 3rd place finish in PA.

 

  1. “I thought he was kidding!” The GM to Bosak after the GM learned Torkelson had booked a flight and was at Dulles airport awaiting an invitation to play in PA.

 

  1. “Nice driving!” Kuehn to Sullivan after Sullivan drove over Kuehn’s hockey bag and dragged it 30 feet with Kuehn’s gear in it in broad daylight!!

 

  1. “We need to get him another helmet. When I look up quick he looks like a real hockey player and I pass it to him and then I realize it’s …Kuehn!!” Unnamed defenseman regarding Kuehn’s new black helmet to replace the white one Sullivan ran over.

 

  1.  "So is the “G” silent?” Mike the goalie wondering why Steve’s name wasn’t pronounced Chang.

 

  1. "Nothing good ever comes from New Jersey.” Corcoran when he found out Dexter’s was from New Jersey.

 

  1. “5 Hour Energy Drink – It still doesn’t make you any smarter and neither does 7 Hour Energy Drink.” Mark “Civilian” Sullivan to the team after seeing the results on the players who were doing shots of 5 and 7 Hour Energy Drinks in PA.

 

  1. “He is 1/6th actual size but scores just as many goals as the original Corcoran. We shall call him Mini-me!” GM Maguire pointing out that Torkelson at least scored in Tampa and Corcoran didn’t in PA.

 

  1. “I hate to say it, but we could’ve used Robinson!” Unnamed Jacks’ season ticket holder after the Jacks bowed out in the Semi’s.

 

  1. “I want to know where all the teams with fat old guys are?” GM Maguire to Corcoran between games 2 and 3.

 

  1. “I’ll tell you one thing they burn on the way in and on the way out!!” Corcoran to unnamed teammate in bathroom stall next to his following Jacks night at Molly Maguire’s.

 

  1. “We are the team with all the fat old guys.” Corcoran to Maguire between game 2 and 3.

 

  1. “Look right there – he has a severe case of Torklesonitis!” Jimmy “the Ribs” Bosak to Paul Maguire during game 4 when Corcoran hit the post – again!!!!.

 

  1. “Is there any kind of warranty with that stick?” Jimmy “the Ribs” Bosak after he broke the new stick he bought from Maguire in the first period he used it. Maguire refunded him $10 just to keep him from crying.

 

  1. “All sales final!!” Maguire to Bosak regarding his ill timed stick purchase.

 

  1.  “This ain’t Chicago.” GM Maguire after Corcoran pleaded to be put on the power play line - that he always scores in key situations in the Chicago League.

 

  1. “The goalie looks a lot better in net since he stopped buying his contact lenses at the Dollar Store.” Jimmy “the Ribs” Bosak to Paul Maguire after the goalie made a big save against the Colonials in the 2-2 tie.

 

  1. “I thought he might piss in my bed!” Steve Chan (silent G) to the team when asked why he didn’t approach Strycharz when he started peeing on the floor of the Hotel room.

 

  1. “I think it was an oblique mangina strain.” GM Maguire referring to the medical condition that kept Nies out of PA.

 

  1.  “I think it was for complications from botched laser hair removal.” GM Maguire referring to the medical condition that kept Hanson out of PA.

 

  1. “I think it was a severe case of suppurating legalrectallitis.” GM Maguire referring to the medical condition that kept team lawyer Walt Williams out of PA.

 

  1. “Oh Wow…Have you guys ever seen that video with Chris Chelios – there’s a thing in there called an Englewood Jack?” Captain Obvious for the Colonial Electric team to GM Maguire when he saw the name “Englewood Jacks.”

 

  1.  “Nothing good can come of this.” Corcoran to Mark Kuehn when he heard that Sullivan, Maguire, Chan (silent G), et al were still at Perkiomens’ Bar 5 hours after the semi-final game ended.

 

  1. “Melitse, Dave Regan and me.” Kevin Corcoran to the GM when asked which line mates he wanted.

 

  1. “You’ll get Kuehn and Gousett and all the goals that go with them!” The GM’s counter-offer to Corcoran.

 

  1. “I got just as many goals as Corcoran – zero!!” Greg Torkelson on the phone with Bosak after the Jacks lost game 4 in PA.

 

  1. “Put the puck on a string you’d have an easier time finding it” Derek “No Show” Berts’ dad in the Fairfax Parking lot after the Jacks 1st return game Monday. His dad was commenting on his son’s inability to catch a pass all night long.

 

  1. “I couldn’t go. I have legal issues….” Derek Berts’ excuse about why he couldn’t go to PA. It stems from a smuggling case (no conviction) trying to bring switchblades back to the US in his skates from Amsterdam.

 

  1. “I did a pretty good job – I have my keys, my wallet, my sunglasses and all the skin on my face.”  Mike “Ashburn” Strycharz at 1400 on Sunday on how much better he behaved in PA vice Fla.

 

  1. “Have you seen my sunglasses?” Mike “Ashburn” Strycharz at 2330 on Sunday after he spent 6 hours unsupervised with Mike the Goalie.

 

  1. “You sunsabit#$@s stole my sunglasses”. Mike “Ashburn” Strycharz at 0030 on Monday morning after failing to find his sunglasses in either Sullivan’s Excursion or the GM’s house.

 

  1. “They were right on the floor of Sully’s Excursion where Sully hid them from me.” Mike “Ashburn” Strycharz at 1730 on Wednesday after looking for his $13 glasses for 3 straight days. Also found in the bottom of Sully’s excursion – all Corcoran’s goals for the weekend, the missing Zapruder frames, Pablo Escobar’s car keys, and Greg G’s deodorant.

 

        

Gas DC to Philly $148

Tolls DC to Philly $23

New Hockey Stick $90

Seeing Kuehn Outscore Corcoran – Priceless!!!

There are some things that money just can’t buy …. For Everything Else there’s MasterCard – Official Credit Card of the Englewood Jacks