Englewood Jacks Hockey Club

The Home of Hockey Since 1918

 

 

 

Jacks Players Try to Save Money – Avoid Hotel Charges by Staying in Elephants Anus!!!

 

(Fox Sports) Budget cuts and a slowing economy forced several Jacks Hockey players to forgo the customary tournament hotel accommodations and instead they found shelter in the rather cavernous anus of an elephant! This is a traditional accommodation in parts of Africa but it may be the first time North American sports figures have tried it. Fellow players have not complained about the problematic stench associated with sleeping on the cheap – but several fans with peanut allergies have stopped sitting near the bench at home games.  The league has no ban on sleeping in such an unorthodox manner but have cautioned players to make sure they take their skates off before bedding down for the night.

 

 

 

Greg Torkelson's Aspirations for the US Senate Take a Devastating Blow

James Ballsack Tribune

 

(AP) While returning home from the most recent Englewood Jacks tournament, Torkelson intentionally paid to have a terminally ill woman bumped from her flight to Chicago, just so he could get home early to tell his wife and kids he scored a goal and an assist!!

 

The woman, Sally Forth was returning home to Chicago from a “Make A Wish Foundation” event in Philly. She learned that a new kidney was available and was rushing home for the surgery when she met Torkelson in the airport lounge.

 

She was desperately trying to get to the gate before losing her seat. Before she died, she gave a statement to the authorities claiming that Torkelson was telling her pointless stories until just before departure time and then quickly passed her and took the last seat on the flight. This account of what transpired has yet to be confirmed because witnesses near the incident had all fallen asleep.

 

Her family has requested the legal council of Walt Williams, Esq., before deciding if a lawsuit will be filed.  Walt may or may not take the case, depending on which type of law he currently 'practices'.

 

Upon Torkelson's return home, it has been reported that his wife beat him mercilessly upon hearing about his actions.  Unnamed sources have stated that Torkelson seemed to enjoy the vicious attack, and is making plans to repeat the incident if the opportunity arises.

 

Up until yesterday, Torkelson was rigorously trying to keep alive his grass roots campaign to unseat Roland Burris, who was recently appointed to President Obama's former seat in the US Senate.

 

Torkelson was recently seen at a meet and greet in a local PA establishment, trying to sway any potential voters to move to Illinois and support his bid.

 

If Torkelson's bid to become the junior senator from Illinois is unsuccessful, he will most undoubtedly run for city council.  When asked what city he would run for office in, Torkelson responded, "Does it matter?"

 

(CNBC) Jacks Stalwart Blueliner Mike "Coach of the Year"Strycharz will possibly be sidelined for Philly due to an undisclosed illness that may be linked to either pistachio poisoning or an allergic reaction to Orange Juice.  Strycharz last suffered a severe OJ reaction 3 years ago in Hagerstown. He counteracted the poisonous effects of the OJ with a massive infusion of cheap American beer and Red Bull. Maryland doctors claim to this day that his survival was a miracle. Team officials have not ruled him out for Philly but an unanemed source in the front office says Strycharz can barely move his drinking hands. On a positive note Atlantic City has announced they are taking the pillows and matresses off the Trump Palace Casino floor now that Strycharz is doubtful.

 

(TSN) Jacks take two teams to Philly for Weekend Hockey Showdown April 3-5, 2009

The Jacks will take two teams north for Spring Break before getting ready for the grueling summer drinking schedule. Tickets available come out and watch.http://www.freewebs.com/jackshockeyclub/phillyapr2009info.htm

 

(Hockey News) Jacks Go 2-1-1 and Finish with Bronze in Oaks PA

After going 4-0 in the Tampa tournament with a stacked squad, the old guys in PA could do no better than 3rd over the three day weekend. The Jacks had a severe scoring drought in PA mustering only three goals in the final two games of the weekend. The only reliable scorers all weekend were George “Light the Scoring Lamp” Melit$e and former goalie Dylan Barber.  Billy “Short Stick” Thompson showed some life early on in games 1 and 2 but faded along with the rest of the “supposed scorers” in the final two games when it counted.  It was eerily similar to the Fairfax Jacks collapse 2 years ago when they went undefeated only to bow out in round one of the playoffs.

 

(AP- Virginia) JACKS to Buy Chicago Franchise

 

The Englewood Jacks (NASD Sym EJAX) have announced today that they have tendered an offer to the Chicago Beer Hawks Lower Double B Franchise in the Iron League to take over operations starting in the fall of 2008.  Jacks President and GM Paul Maguire announced the deal at the spring meetings in Virginia.

 

“I think given the global nature of the Jacks phenomena that it was the right time to pull the trigger.  The Hawgs were (sic) struggling even with the loan of several Jacks players and the coaching and drafting styles were incompatible. Rather than cut ties with the Beer Hawgs or whatever they were calling themselves – we decided to go the other way and bring them into the fold. This will ensure that players sent down from the big league team have some place to go for rehab assignments.

 

Beer Hawks reps did not return phone calls from the paper and there has been nothing on message boards to support the announcement.  Terms of the deal were not officially announced but rumors have been circulating that a puck bag and some future cash considerations tied to performance may have had something to do with the deal.

JACKS Manager Identified as Clinet Number 6 in Spitzer Prosititution Scandal!!!

See Story Below.

http://www.freewebs.com/jackshockeyclub/Team Manager of Englewood Jacks also a regular of prostitution ring in Spitzer scandal.doc

Jacks finish 3rd in Oaks Ultimate Challenge for 2nd year in a row. The Jacks finished the road trip with a 2-1-1 record and only allowed 11 goals over the 4 games losing in the Semi-Finals to Dexters Lab (3-2-0). Dexters had been playing in the Cartoon Network League in NJ before heading down the Garden State Parkway to beat the Jacsk 3-1 - the final goal an empty netter with 37 seconds left.  Dexters went on to be beaten by 3rd year in a row tournament champions the VF Colonials 1-0 in OT in the finals. 

The VF Colonial cruised through the tournament again 4-0-1.  The only blemish a 2-2 tie with the Jacks. The Jacks early exit was again caused by a severe scoring drought during the last two games of the tourney. Most of it attributed to Kevin Corcoran's inability to finish even one measely scoring drive all weekend.  Tests after the tournament at Chicago's Scott Baio Clinic confirmed what may analysts has suspected all season -