Jacks Take Three in Weekend Challenge but Drinking Team Has Severe Hockey Problem
(AP Hagerstown) The Englewood Jacks - EJs (formerly the Prince William Old Timers of the Viagra Hockey Association of Virginia) went undefeated in a difficult[1] weekend series against Tony's Tavern (TTs) of the Hagerstown Mostly Men's Hockey League. With scores of 12-1, 10-3, and 10-4 - the EJ's fought hard to stave off the boredom and turned in three lack-luster efforts in a row. Player/coach Paul "Monk" Maguire was at a loss to explain his team's lack of discipline and focus over the weekend. He opined that alcohol may have had something to do with it.
A recent crackdown on steroid use was also a possible candidate, but several players actually seemed to be larger than in previous years - especially legacy holdover Mark "Bowie" Kuehn who tipped the scales at a whopping 228lbs over the weekend. The scales weren't the only thing he tipped this weekend - he was also credited with a suspect goal that was tipped in off of his left ankle. Other than that he managed to stay mainly onsides all weekend (due to his overall lack of speed he was never a threat to cross the blue line early). He was also credited with the teams first penalty when he mauled one of the TT's women in the corner.
The weekend was marred with several other vicious penalties and Coach Maguire thought that creatine and alcohol abuse may have played a factor in at least two of the incidents. The most heinous one occurred when JJ "Angry Man" Koszlowski tried to pry off a Tony's Tavern player's head and helmet with just his arms." He remarked afterward that "I did what any diminutive Polish hockey player would do under the same ircumstances when faced with a severe beating from a larger opponent - I cheated."
The years have not been kind to the EJ's Kevin "Dead Man Walkin" Corcoran playing in his last pre-@#$$-whipped tournament he was no where near his form from the mid-90's when he earned the monicker Sergei. He was seen crying after receiving a small splinter in his large thumb that had to be removed by team doctor Tim "Upper Triple A" Gampel. Gample said "You think that hurts you should see the permanent stitches I got to keep my taint from tearing." Gampel was of little other use during the tournament as he was the only forward not to record a goal and he had a plus/minus of (-1) in the first game. His triple A affiliate team - the Pierced Junk Yard Dogs of the Georgia Good Ol' White Boyz Hockey Association - has been contacted and its likely that his Upper Triple A status in Georgia will be revoked.
Chet "No Show" "No Pay" "No Longer Eligible to Play" Hamilton was absent without leave from all mandatory team events this weekend and blamed his cable company for the mishap. This marks three years in a row that Hamilton pulled a no-show and CFO Monk Maguire said the team can't afford the liability of carrying the Temperamental Titan of Tardiness on the roster ever again. Also Absent Without Leave (AWOL) was Joel "Fredo" Sanger. The rookie who has yet to don the yellow and black also received a lifetime ban from future EJ's events. His roommate and consigliore "Slapshot" Mike answered "Joel who?" When asked about his little buddies whereabouts.
Outside of the rookie from Georgia, the other first year players played with mixed results. Mini-Mike Housman fresh from an unimpressive college campaign with Mary Washington gave new meaning to the words adequate in his debut. He was thoroughly shut down for games one and two and only managed a few week goals against the overmatched TTs goalie in the final tussle. However, he did manage to take Kevin Cocoran deep with a grand slam during Saturday's wiffle ball extravaganza. Corcoran who came into the tournament with an impressive 10,000 hours of waffle ball under his ever expanding belt got taken yard by the Sultan of Sloth in the late innings of a meaningless beer game. That Grand Slam alone will earn Mini-Mike a return invitation. Mini-Mike also won $200 in poker winnings on Saturday night - minus tournament fees
The only standout was rookie phenom John "Quiet Man" Cushing who managed only a few words all weekend long but let his stick do the talking tallying a career high 7 goals over the weekend. Cushing's management held option for future play was exercised immediately by GM Monk Maguire.
When queried about Cushing's prowess - Mark "Bloody Lane" Sullivan fresh from his field trips to Azkrackistan and Antietam said, "I told you so." Sullivan who went on a mild scoring steak himself (5 goals - which was 2.5x more than Mini-Mike) credited Republican hockey guru Dick (Angry White Man with a Subaru Drivin Daughter) Cheney for his remarkable mid-season improvement. Sullivan's resurgence after two consecutive poor showings gives hope to millions of other over-the-hill angry white guys.
Mike "RV"[2] Strycharz got off to a shaky start. He went to bed at 9:17 PM Friday but apparently wasn't in hockey drinking shape - because he blew Chunks before game one Saturday morning. When reached for comment Chunks said "I've had better." Strycharz blamed an allergic reaction to the nutrients in orange juice for inducing the poor outing. He cited a well know study in the Dominican Republic to bolster his claim. In that tiny island nation, a test group was given 1 case of beer and one (1) glass of orange juice to drink in a three (3) hour period and 93% of them vomited. The other test group was given one (1) case of beer and no orange juice and only 83% vomited. As a result orange juice has been banned from all future tournaments.
Greg "Double Dippin" Hanson fell into his old ways early this year. One year after attending the tournament following a near fatal-case of pre-tournament jitters which saw half his chest hair fall out - he was back to mixing snuff with chew, red wine with fish, ebony with ivory, and alcohol with hockey. As a result he was nearly blinded when he sweated alcohol into his eyes during the final game of the weekend. Also his autonomous reflexes may have been severely compromised - every time the refrigerator light goes on he screams "Get me a beer."
Slapshot "Mike" Nies also saw some backsliding this weekend. A perennial top scorer at these events, he started the scoring off in the first game buy quickly fell off the rest of the weekend. He and his unnamed defensive partner[3] where on the ice for 7 of the 8 goals given up by the EJs over the weekend. In the case of the final goal of the 3rd game, he got punked by a 6'5" 160 pound bitch when he got knocked down, turned over the puck, and then limped to the bench. Despite his lack of power on the ice, teammates were unable to prevent him from buying rounds of green toilet water after the final game at Tony's Tavern.
Dan "Pretty Boy" Somner again shaved all of his body hair off and went to the tanning salon before the tournament. He still hasn't grasped the fact that hockey is played mainly indoors with clothes on. He said the shaving makes him go faster - and he needs to - because "Steak Tip Man" and his wife Taffy Leather offred to use Dan like a chew toy. He was rescued by rookie sensation Cushing.
There are two types of goalies - stand-up goalies and floppers. Mike "Suds" Maguire is the latter, as evidenced by his flopping out of a moving golf cart Friday, flopping over the windmill mini-golf ramp at the park (later Friday), flopping onto the double futon solo (really late Friday), and flopping in the shower Saturday morning. The only thing he didn't manage to flop on this weekend was a loose puck. Over the four games he stepped between the pipes he was only marginally effective. He allowed 8 goals on 76 goals in Hagerstown for an 89.4% save percentage. He allowed 15 goals on 42 shots Sunday night for a 64.3% save percentage. His combined save percentage for the weekend was a mediocre 80.5% (in contrast the Tony's Tavern goalie allowed 32 goals on 150 shots for a 79.3% save percentage and he's legally blind). Management says they aren't panicking - but roster moves might be afoot.
All in all it was a festive a weekend filled with golf, drinking, camping, shenanigans, wiffle ball, drinking, campfire stories about piercings, drinking, cards, sleeping, walks across battlefields, drinking, and oh yes a
little hockey.
[1] Actually the only thing difficult was staying awake and sober neither of
which we were successful at.
[2] Retching and Vomiting
[3] Mark Sullivan