Englewood Jacks Hockey Club

 

(Hagerstown MD) In a stunning reversal of last year - the ENGLEWOOD JACKS squandered a 2 goal lead in the final period to fall 5-4 against team Russia from Frederick Maryland. GM Paul Maguire said that, “We had a team that was built to win this year, but we couldn’t hang on.” 

 

ENGLEWOOD JACKS  sailed through the first three games with a 3-0 record and took 28 out of 30 possible period points to finish first in the prelims. They took the first game 13-0 against the Unitec Bombers, getting goalie Mike Maguire a shut out after 7 games without one.  They next defeated arch rivals Tanya Tucker’s  Tavern 5-3 on Saturday morning to secure at least a 3^rd or 4^th place finish on Sunday.  They then met previously undefeated Wachovia and promptly made 6 deposits in the goalies ATM machine against 2 withdrawals. That set up a finals match against team Russia who had lost on Sat to Wachovia 5-4 by giving up two goals in the final 2 minutes.

 

Team spokesperson Greg “Where’s the #$)#$ Shower” Hanson said that “…(alcohol) poisoning had little to do with the teams failure to bring home the gold for a second straight year.”  Hanson, a late scratch last year in Nagano, shaved part of his chest in protest of the officiating in the final game. 

 

The Cone Head line (Strycharz, Sommner, and Kozlowski) which was brilliant in games 1-3 blamed an “…over-abundance of consonants in their last names for the poor showing in the finals.”  They also stated that, “The total lack of height on the line and the drinking may have played a small part in our scoring drop off for the final game.”

 

Casey (nee Kristin) “The Hockey Player Formerly Known as an Artist” Arnett was disappointed by the outcome but said, “I had hoped my brownies and Rice Krispie treats would put us over the hump against team Russia, but the refs said that we actually needed to score more goals than them if we wanted to win.” She also opined that “The lack of a connective color scheme for the team may have negatively impacted the Feng Shway (sic) and caused a goal imbalance during the finals.”

 

Mark Kuehn, a player from last years Championship team, indicated that his presence would have made a “HUGE” difference in the finals, but that management erred in not postponing the finals until he was available. Chet “The Wookie” Hamilton, was also a contract holdout for the second straight year and rumors are that management may give his slot to an older more reliable player for next years run at the cup (actually a plaque this year).

 

Mike “Waffles” Maguire the goalie, was unavailable for the post game interview (a violation of the league media policy) but had this to say through his agent and team videographer Chuck “Flannel” Corcoran, “I regret that I wasn’t unable to overcome the sloppy play of my defense in our end, the uninspired play of my forwards in the other end, the poor officiating, and complete lack of finesse by the Zamboni driver.  But this is a team sport and I guess some of this is my fault in not opting out of my contract and signing with team Russia.” Team officials had no rebuttal for his statement, but said that prospects playing in the Mites this year were showing a lot of promise and might be ready to contend for a roster spot with Maguire in training camp.

 

Lyne McCauley, the only true Canadian on the team, blamed a lack of work ethic on the part of the American players in not preparing well enough for this arduous weekend – which she likened to the Tour de France.  “All in all, this team was too old, too slow, had too many people named Mike or Mark, or Maguire and Corcoran on the roster to win in the competitive atmosphere that is Hagerstown.”

 

Rob “Gift Basket” Langford thought the mandatory team meetings may have hurt the performance on Sunday. “There are more effective ways to spend your time away from the rink than drinking, eating, drinking, drinking, pooping, golfing, and drinking.” He cited studies which show that, “Lazy useless Canadians are better at hockey because they have a strict regimen of letting people that live to the south of them defend all the borders so they can concentrate on socialism and hockey practice. We need a system like that here” he said.”

 

His brother John “the Jarhead” Langford echoed his brothers comments by saying “American Hockey players are weak” and went on to single out the PW farm system for producing “sub-standard players.”  “If we want to win in places like Hagerstown when we are 35 - we need to start with the Mini-Mite program and drill it into these fat lazy kids’ heads that losing is unacceptable.”  He has already drafted a 223 page memo to Terry Sullivan at PWHC to overhaul the whole program so that from Mites to Midgets through High school – “…everything will be focused on winning at Hagerstown.”

 

Scott “the Screen” Orem a late addition to the team, overcame his reputation for playing poorly through the whole tournament and skipping the championship game by playing poorly through the whole tournament AND the championship game. “I was just trying to stay out of the way and avoid a serious injury that could keep me out of the summer full contact chess tournaments I play in”

 

Bob “Chew Boy” Brown, said “I was happy with my play through the entire tournament and was just happy to be invited this year.” As the oldest player on the ENGLEWOOD JACKS  squad a lot of younger players look up to him for inspiration.  In fact several players used Bob’s status as an AARP member to score lower hotel rates and prescription drug refills.

 

Mark “Six Pack” Sullivan used his size, short choppy stride, and his ability to generate room clearing gas on command to great advantage in Hagerstown. At several post-game meals he knocked over several smaller players to get the last beer, the last brownie, and the last piece of toilet paper at the rink.

 

Mike “Slapshot” Nies continued his support of local law enforcement officials by volunteering to take a mandatory field sobriety test and a breathalyzer on Route 66 near Marshall, VA. When asked whether he had anything to drink he replied “Only a small amount of alcohol which came in 6 small 12 ounce cans before I left Maryland.  I never drink and drive in Virginia officer.  I drink in Maryland and drive in Virginia.” Trooper Friendly, satisfied with the answer, let him off with a warning and said, “Don’t wind up so much on your slapshot.”

Johnny “the Hack” Corcoran led all ENGLEWOOD JACKS  players in penalty minutes and was ashamed of that record when informed by team officials on the bus ride back to PW. He said “There was no excuse for my behavior at the card table, the buffet line, my snoring and my gas.” “I’m just a dirty little monkey and I need to be spanked.”

 

Kevin “the Rocket” Corcoran had trouble getting free in 2 of the 4 games and blamed his recent move to Chicago for the troubles. “I basically just sit around and watch old cop show reruns on the tax payer’s money now. So it’s no wonder that I didn’t have a hat trick this weekend.”  He said, “I’m hoping that having my girlfriend move to Chicago to be near me gets me back on the straight and narrow. I just hope Dana doesn’t find out.”

 

Player/Coach Grady Maguire has come under intense scrutiny about the questionable decisions down the stretch including not shortening his bench earlier and his decision to leave Pedro Corcoran in at defense after he had the game tied 4-4 with 1:32 to go. He stood by his decisions saying, “If you don’t like it you can kiss my big hairy @#%#$%.”

 

Club owners have not announced whether they will execute the club option for his services for next year indicating that they will wait and see who becomes available at the annual owners meeting in Orlando, FL this weekend.  Local sports talk show callers have been split about whether to keep him or try and lure Gerry “the G-Man” Oakman back from coaching the Iraqi National Team. Oakman is over there now trying to get the Iraqi team ready for the World Arab Junior Hockey Championships in Riyadh.

 

Other conspiracy minded sports fan have hinted at a possible “Curse” surrounding the team which hasn’t won a championship since they let popular winger/defenseman/utility infielder Chris “Extra Crispy” Layman go after the 2003 season in the expansion draft.  Calling it the “Curse of the Laymanbino”.  Team officials said the possibility of any Curse on the storied franchise was about as likely as finding WMD in Iraq.

 

So a good run ends up a little short and there may be personnel changes for the ENGLEWOOD JACKS s next year – but they head off into the summer knowing that they have 362 days to get ready until next year.

 

Peace Out!!!!