Englewood Jacks Hockey Club

The Home of Hockey Since 1918

Jacks Take 3 Straight!! Capture 3rd Fredericksburg Cup in 4 Years!!!

(AP) Grumpy my ass.  This reporter has seen some good Jack’s hockey clubs in the last 4 years – but none better than the one that laced up this weekend at the F’Burg Ice Park. For the 3rd time in 4 tries the Jack’s are the Fredericksburg Spring Champs. This was the oldest team they’ve fielded in an Old Timers Tournament – with an average age of 40+. They made it their 9th consecutive finals (we don’t count 4 v 4 tournaments) and won for the 6th time. Coming off the disappointing loss to Sweden last month playing at home in Virginia was just what the Doctor ordered.

 

The Jacks also debut the new road greens and the new fan gear at the Ice Park. It also marked the first appearance in a Jacks uniform for an entire line and saw the return of veteran Jack’s players Sean “Secret Service” Evans[1] and Gerry “the G-Man” Oakman.  It was a particularly warm return for Oakman who took team MVP honors - allowing only 6 goals over 3 games. 4 of them to former pro Rob Boyle.

Oakman was the catalyst behind the rough and tumble wins in the first contests and settled the defense long enough in the finals to allow the Jacks new offense led by the new “Flash Line” to get on track.   

Again, the Jacks got plenty of support along the way from family, friends, and the occasional alcoholic (See sidebar) as they finished a 12-2 victory in the finals.

When asked about the win JJ “BCing you next year” Koszlowski” was his usual ebullient self and offered this observation “If I’d known there wasn’t gonna be big f$%^%$ trophy I wouldn’t have played!!”

There was only one no show this weekend, controversial rookie signee Mike “wrong way” Demsey had to return his “Dancing with the Stars” DVDs to Blockbuster Saturday and got caught in traffic. If only he’d used NetFlix.  

 

Game 1 - Jacks 4 Headhunters 3

The Jacks ended the losing streak from Tampa at 1. They played with a semi full compliment of players with the exception of the aforementioned Demsey and legacy player Dan “Ford Tuff” Somner.  It wasn’t that he didn’t play – it’s just that it wasn’t his best game.  A pre-game groin massage by Team mate Mike “Broke Back” Nies - his bed roll buddy Friday night - did little to alleviate Somner’s discomfort and it left the Cone Head Line with little offensive punch in game 1. It didn’t help that Mike “former Coach of the Year” Strycharz missed an empty net from a few feet away

Chuck “Scar Face” Robinson had the play of the game on an assist to Gary “I’ll Check with My Wife” LaBarge. LaBarge is French Canadian for House of Pancakes.

For the Head Hunters Rob “Lance My” Boyle (technically a Jack but playing for the hometown red that weekend) made his presence known all weekend and especially Saturday scoring twice unassisted (unless you count the bad defense against him) and that coupled with a goal off of an errant turnover kept the game close.  However, the three line bench was the difference and helped the Jacks out skate the Head Hunters in the 3rd period.

The Jacks managed to hold held on to the 1 goal lead and preserved the win playing the last 2 minutes down a man after a disputed “home town call” for holding.

The Jacks took 4 of 5 points from the game. Winning 1 period and tying 2.

Game 2 - Jacks 7

Quality First 1

So the Jacks salted away the first win of the tournament and were optimistic about going to 2-0.  In a sign of the impending apocalypse, the only goal the Jacks scored in the first period was on a slapshot from the point by Captain “Wrist Shot” Maguire. That’s right I used the words “goal, point, slapshot, and Maguire” in the same sentence. Start preparing for floods.

The Quality 1st team responded and the first period ended in 1-1 tie. It would be the last ½ point the Jacks would give up the rest of the way.

The Q1st game was a lot more physical than the Jacks were used to and a late hit after a Chuck Robinson goal in the 3rd almost lead to a brawl – but calmer heads prevailed.

In a goaltending display not seen since reverend Jim backstopped the team to a come from behind win in Hagerstown 3 years ago – Oakman robbed everybody. None prettier than a breakaway save against “Rat” Williams # 7 on Q1st. His deke and shot did not fool Oakman who flashed the leather for a glove save which led to the Rat breaking his stick on the boards. It was the second stick he broke that game.

Super Coach Rick Pallin had little impact on the outcome for Q1st and again a long deep bench by the Jacks allowed them to outlast the Q1st team for the last half of the game.

Game 3 Jacks 13 Headhunters 2

Winner! Winner! Winner!

Sunday morning broke over a quiet Presidential Campsite – the official Jacks home campsite – well it was quiet if you don’t count Nate Williams bellowing “I want to go potty” or  “Chain Saw” Mike Nies driving the milk wagon over every pothole. It was a light pre-game stretch – by light I mean it was light out while they stretched.

The women cleaned the campsite (by women I mean JJ and Dan Sumner) and the men prepared to go off to battle.  They donned their armor (actually UnderArmor), mounted their trustee steed (I mean Dan Sumner) and strode off into the fog to face the Head Hunters - none the worse for wear after a night of fraternal kinship around the fire.  By none the worse for wear I mean Strycharz managed not to throw up.

Sunday was not a repeat of Saturday and it was all Jacks all the time. Dandy Dennis Ouellette – who stumbled and mumbled his way through two games Saturday teamed with Walt “Dubbya” Williams and Dave “The President” Regan on the flash line for a clinic on how to move the puck up and down the ice. 

They were quite frankly unstoppable and together they represented the best trio the Jacks have fielded since the original Englewood Jacks team left the NHL in 1918. Regan fresh off the winning USA Hockey Over 40 Open Championship (he didn’t play in the games he just went down to hit on players wives during the game and he did manage to score a cool hockey bag).

“No Longer Quite as Angry” Jon even managed to get a hattrick scoring 3 times on 21 shots – an Iversonesque performance. His goals the 6th, 9th, and 11th of the night were key in the win (at least he thinks they were).

So the Jacks ended the weekend undefeated winning the 6th tournament in 9 tries and extending final round appearances to 9 straight. Medals were had by all – except the coach who traded his for a donut from the FOB meeting.

The most offensive defenseman goes to Mark “Back to the Minors” Sullivan who allowed 5 of the 6 goals scored against the Jacks over the weekend. If he didn’t have an RV or 1/3 of the Jacks boat he’d be in be on the Chet list.

 

Extra Features

The Jacks got a view of Christmas Future.  In an odd sense of irony usually reserved for the Twilight Zone – the Jacks played  the finals in front  of  a maxed out FOB meeting.  The Jacks, not known for their sobriety on the road or at home, took it all in stride but there were some awkward moments. 

 

The Jacks had left their gear at the rink and showed up as regular guys Sunday morning – and they were mistaken more than once for new FOB members in desperate need of at least a few “steps”.

 

It got more surreal in the Ice rink bathroom when “more than one FOB’er” propositioned Jacks players for “clean” urine samples. A few other Jacks players where approached in between periods by jonesing FOB members to be able to “lick the alcohol laced sweat” that some Jacks players are known to secrete.

 

As far as this reporter knows no Jacks player sold any their fluids to AA fans – but defensive stalwart Mark Sullivan did come up with some last minute cash to prepay the PA tournament. Coincidence – you decide.

Top 10 List

  1. “I’ve spent more time in the fire than of you puss#$%” former coach of the year Mike “Fire Walker “Strycharz at the team bonfire Saturday night.
  2. “I can’t be burned - I’m coach of the year” Mike “Fire Walker” Strycharz telling the crowd why it was safe for him to walk through the fire.
  3. “What’d you say to that guy to get him so mad” – “I said look at the score board asshole, and … oh yeah by the way your wife’s a lesbian”.  Rookie Chuck Robinson responding to Paul Maguire after Robinson was clothes lined in the 2nd game and then had to be separated from the man who hit him.
  4. “Come on in guys don’t be shy – we don’t judge people here” FOB coordinator to Slapshot Mike Sunday morning.
  5. “I’ll buy that piss from from ya…” FOB’er to JJ Koszlowski Sunday morning in the can.
  6. “We’re all bringing our families down”, Mark “Lying Sack of Sh$%” Sullivan to Greg Hanson before the tournament.  Hanson’s family was the only one to stay in the campground.
  7.  “Daddy I don’t want to go number two in the scary bathroom!!!” Nate Williams to his dad Sunday morning.
  8. “I don’t know what I had to drink,… but my mouth tastes funny and my ass hurts” Dan Sumner after sleeping at Slapshot Mike’s house Friday night.
  9. “I didn’t say they looked like dresses – I said they looked like skirts.” Sheila Maguire after she saw the new Road Green Jerseys.
  10. “Tell them it just fell over” Paul Maguire when security came over to the bonfire Saturday night because the 2x6 looked like a burning cross.
  11. “Don’t tell them that – this is Fredericksburg they’ll just help you put it back up” Slapshot Mike Nies after Paul Maguire’s comments above.
  12. “You guys know what to do – we’re all a little too old for speeches.” Maguire before the finals.
  13. “You got Broc’d” – when a team mate doesn’t pass and or get a shot in a 2 on 0.
  14.  “That’s not a penalty, that’s a crime” Ralph the ref after he saw Mike Strycharz miss the net in a one goal game Saturday.
  15.  “If I were him I wouldn’t even come to the bench – I’d just go to the locker room and get changed” – Greg Hanson on the bench after Strycharz missed the open net.
  16.  “No one can say I didn’t back check” Chuck Robinson to the defense – when he sat at the defensive end of the bench below the blue line in the 2nd game.
  17. “The only time that guy is in our end is for team pictures” – Paul Maguire when asked about Chuck’s back-checking.
  18.  “Who are these guys” Mark Sullivan after he saw the Flash line for the first time.
  19.  “Kid you want to make sure you wear a mask or you’ll end up looking like me” Chuck Scarface Robinson to 5 year old Nate Williams.
  20. “Come on sell me your piss. You’re not using it.” Oldtimer AA to Jacks player after the championship.

 

 

 

 

 


[1] So named for taking a slapshot to the ankle from Rob Boyle -saving a goal.