Englewood Jacks Hockey Club

Tony Ryan is coaching 6 years olds???? How did THAT one slip by my desk? No wonder we have not taken home the gold in 30 years .... we're f#$%ed!

Hey Torky, nice verbal diatribe, douche-bag! While you were paying your $150.00 a ticket to the "Heritage Night" I split time between my free suite and the "Kettle-One" club. By the way, I didn't see you at the Saturday night surprise party at the "underground" club downtown, or the Hawks Suite, or the Kettle-One Club at the game. Oh yeah......your not on "That" invite list. How did your $8.00 beers taste from the freakin rafters?? Hey Mr. Heritage signed 50 pucks for me, I'll take one away from my mini-mites and give it to you Torky.......I am sure a 6 year old will understand. By the way Torky.................check your shoes, and watch for the up-coming "photos of Heritage night" on the Englewood Jack web sight.

Calling youself an "Unnamed/unskilled Beer hawks player" is a little vague. It's similar to saying you are the 'fluthered dosser sittin at the bar'. I've seen many Beer Hawks games, and this present bunch of Beer Hawks couldn't score in a whore house ... let alone on sheet of ice. You guys might wanna try curling or dwarf tossing, cause as hockey players, you suck!

NHL Scouting Director of Head (or whatever your title is),

I find it offensive that you declared our last game as "the worst hockey game ever played." You are obviously basing your opinion on one game and truly did no research before stating your claim. Had you done your homework and looked into the matter a little further, you would have realized that this, in fact, was not the worst game ever played. It would have been clear to you that any one of our 4 previous games were much worse than this last game.

I look forward to your full apology and recantation of your inaccurate assessment.

Thank you

I think I may have just seen the worst hockey game ever played. I was assigned to Beer Hawks game last night, all I can say is ... those guys are retards, and that is being nice. No offense, horrible defense, no passing, and the goalie is suffering form neck burn.

As always, the NHL Scouting Department keeps a close watch on the Beer Hawks. Here's an update on the Englewood Jacks - Chicago Division:

Greg "I didn't trip over the faceoff circle. The faceoff circle tripped me!" Torkelson - 7 games, 3 G, 3 A and one 10 min misconduct for yelling at his stick

Jimmy "I may be fat but...well, OK. I'm just fat" Ballsack - 7 games, 3 G, 1 A, 1 hairy back

Bob "Goose isn't just a nickname, it's a way of life" Goose Say - 6 games, 2 G, 2 A

Ned "I wonder why they stopped sending me the gameday emails" Skully - 1 game, 0 G, 1 A, 0 talent

In the last 4 games, the Beer Hawks have given up 38 goals against. Of those 4 games, they only won one of them. It was last week when Ballsack was in the Mexican prison.

We have already alerted Homeland Security to redirect any Chicago flights in March going to Tampa to land in Zimbabwe.

It has been made known to us that Torky was ejected from a BeerHawks game last night for "tripping over a faceoff circle and complaining to the ref that the ice was too silppery on that part of the rink". This may be an infraction of the codicil to the about to be written amendment to the EJ Bylaws. Torkelson's status as a Jack is pending a meeting at the home office in Manassass VA ...

Who was the fat guy runnin round down her drinkin all our tequila and wearing EJ gear?

My good friend Tony Ryan told me you were playing in tamp next spring, and I want in on the action. I may not be as good as I once was, but I can still shotgun beer with the best of them, so wahttya say? I promise to start gettin back into my playin shape right after I attend my "Blackhawk Heritage Night" this Sunday. I' sure a few people will recognize me and offer to buy me beers ...