Just Dessert

by Intala

 

 

Rating: PG13
Spoilers: none
Summary: Janeway meets Picard (don't worry... it's J/C really) 
Disclaimer: Voyager and its characters belong to Paramount Pictures. No infringement intended.

Kathryn sat at a small table and swallowed the last of her drink. How many had she had so far? 7? 8? She wasn't sure anymore. It was the first day of her leave and she chose to spend it in a bar. Not at home with her mom, not with Mark and his wife, not with her sister, but in a bar. Anonymously. Not many Starfleet officers knew where to find this place and reporters were definitely not in sight.

She had had enough of the feeling of all the eyes watching her every move. For 7 years she had to keep a certain decorum as captain of a crew stranded at the other end of the galaxy and then she had to behave as the perfect, celebrated hero in front of the press all the time. She was sick of being Starfleet's golden girl.

That was why she was here… in this old bar where hopefully nobody would recognize her. She was here to finally let go of all the pretense and just for a few hours she wanted to be irresponsible. She thought for a moment it was kind of childish to want to act out like this, but she decided she didn't care about that now. She wanted to get drunk and considering the amount of alcohol she had consumed already, she was getting there fast.

4 weeks ago the intrepid starship Voyager and her crew returned to earth. The debriefings, the medical examinations, the psychological evaluations and even the trials were over. The Maquis were all released and offered permanent positions in Starfleet. All the press conferences and even the parties and official celebrations were over.

Six months of leave had started for all of them with nothing to do but acclimatize and get used to the alpha quadrant procedures and command structure. The first day of leave, and already her crew was scattered around the Federation. Harry Kim was with his parents, Tuvok was on his way back to Vulcan to receive treatment for his neurological disorder and Vorik went there too. Seven and the Doc were en route to Jupiter station to work with Dr. Zimmerman, the Delaney sisters had set off for Risa, Chell went back to his home planet, Tom and B'Elanna were with the Parises, introducing Miral and mending a lot of fences.

The list went on and on… but there was one name that wasn't on her list, simply because she didn't know. She didn't know what Chakotay was going to do for she hadn't had a chance to talk to him for a while. He hadn't gone with Seven, that she did know, but she had no idea what he where he was going now…she didn't even know if he would stay in Starfleet.

She wished she had had the chance to talk with him, but the first two weeks after their return had been nothing but debriefings and sleep for her. The week after that she attended all the trials she could possibly go to, but hadn't had any opportunity to talk with any of the former Maquis. Kathryn had hoped to celebrate their release with Chakotay, but when the final trial was over, she lost sight of him in a huge crowd of reporters. Not to mention the past week, where Starfleet had paraded her like their 'golden girl' at one party or reception after another. After seven years of being on duty practically 24/7 and all the hassle that came with returning to Federation space, she was exhausted.

She sat alone in a quiet corner with another cocktail when she saw someone enter in a Starfleet uniform. She'd recognize that bald head anywhere. It seemed that captain Picard had found this place as well. She silently hoped he wouldn't notice her, but of course he did and he moved towards her. Kathryn groaned inwardly and put on a smile that hopefully wouldn't look too faked. He sat down across from her and looked at her with understanding in his eyes.

"Hello", he said. "Drowning the pressures of command in alcohol, are we?"

Kathryn was annoyed that he wouldn't let her be. Who was he to judge her anyway? Why couldn't he just leave her alone with her drink? He was a captain himself… he should understand, but no… he would never understand. He couldn't know what it was like to be a captain and to be all alone, to have no back up whatsoever and to never have the possibility of letting her hair down (not that he had any).

"I may not have been in a situation like yours, Kathryn. But I do know about the pressures of command and I can only imagine what you've been through these past 7 years. Always having to keep up appearances for the crew. That's what this is about, isn't it? About finally letting go, to let the captain's mask slip for a change and just be."

Kathryn could only nod as a response. He did understand after all and now it seemed silly to sit here drinking. She smiled at him and tried to stand up from her seat. She had definitely been sitting there too long, for she stumbled as she tried to stand. He stood up immediately and steadied her with an arm around her waist.

"Let's get you home and in bed", he said, "before anyone recognizes you and your reputation is shattered".

Picard took her to his home, since he had no idea where she was staying and Kathryn herself was in no condition to tell him where she lived. He put her in his bed, took off her shoes, and covered her with a blanket. Before he was done, she was fast asleep.

The next morning Kathryn woke up feeling slightly disorientated. The light was wrong. She wasn't in her own bed. She tried to sit up, but quickly dropped back down as a splitting headache made itself known. She squeezed her eyes shut until the pounding in her head subsided a bit and then she slowly turned on her side to look around the room. She didn't know who's bed she was in and groaned as she realized she had no clue how she got there and who had taken her home. She couldn't remember much of the night before. What had she done? And more important… who had she done it with? Then she realized she still had all her clothes on from the night before and she breathed a sigh of relief. The question 'what?' being answered, she still didn't have the answer to 'who?'.

As she lay on her side trying to remember last night, she heard the door open. She looked at the man walking in the bedroom and was shocked to find it was Captain Picard. Oh my… She felt incredibly embarrassed. Had she really sunk that far? Not that she didn't think he was capable captain, a fine officer, but she thought him a little bit too old to share her bed with him, even with all her clothes on.

"Did you sleep well", he asked.

"Yeah, I guess so", she answered. "But I wish I had stayed that way… my head is killing me".

"I should leave you to deal with it. After all, it is completely your own fault for being in this predicament. But let me get you something for it".

He pulled a hypospray from behind his back and injected her with it. She immediately felt her headache disappear and she smiled a small smile, but it did nothing for her embarrassment. Picard picked up on that and realized she couldn't remember what happened last night. In stead of letting her wonder about it, he decided it was time to put her out of her misery and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Kathryn", he said, "please don't worry. You were too drunk to be able to walk and I took you home. I put you in my bed, yes, but I slept in the guest room."

She sighed with relief and looked at him with gratitude in her eyes. His gentle care reminded her of someone else who cared for her for 7 long years aboard Voyager, someone she kept pushing away so many times until he finally gave up on her.

She felt tears burn and tried to look away from Picard, but he would have none of that. He brought his hand to her chin and turned her head back to him.

"You don't have to keep the pretense here, Kathryn. You don't have to be captain with me. You don't have to keep the brave face anymore. I'm a captain too, remember? I know what it's like. You're not alone, Kathryn"

That last oh so familiar phrase was what broke the damn and Kathryn started sobbing, tears sliding down over her cheeks one after another. He pulled her into a gentle embrace and let her literally cry on his shoulder.

It took a long time for her to calm down, but eventually the tears slowed down and her breathing became more regular. Picard held on to her until he felt her move away a bit.

"You needed that, Kathryn. Please don't apologize. It's good to let all that out. Why don't you freshen up a little and I'll wait downstairs for you with breakfast. The bathroom is through that door."

As Picard walked out of the bedroom, Kathryn examined her feelings. She actually felt a bit better. Picard was a real friend, she realized. He hadn't judged her for getting drunk like that, for not behaving like a good captain should and for just bawling her eyes out right now. She sure could use a friend like that.

She decided to get up and take a shower and saw that Picard had left her a pair of sweat pants and a sweater. She wondered for a moment how he got them, but then realized he probably used the replicator. She still had to get used to the fact that here on earth they didn't have to worry about rations. Glad she didn't have to put her things from last night back on later she took the clothes to the bathroom.

After her shower she got dressed and found the clothes were a bit oversized, but soft and comfortable. She walked down the stairs and found Picard at the kitchen table. He handed her a cup of coffee and she sat down across from him as he smiled at her and said she looked a lot better. She smiled and thanked him. She thanked him for taking her home and taking care of her, for saving her from being seen drunk in public and for letting her cry like she had earlier this morning.

Picard didn't have to ask why she had gotten drunk. He admired her for not breaking completely under the pressure of the past years. Not many captains would have been able to do what she had accomplished.

Over breakfast the talk moved from the current Federation politics to her return. They spoke about the trials that weren't actually trials, about all the parties and receptions, the press, about captaining a ship and they found they had a lot in common. Being 'guests' of the Cardassians. The Borg. Q.

When the talk moved to the subject of relationships with subordinates, Kathryn got a far away look in her eyes. Picard picked up on it immediately and wanted to ask her if she had ever told Chakotay of her feelings for him, but he already knew the answer. He understood like no other the importance of protocol, having been in the situation of being involved with someone under his command. She had had the luxury of transferring to another ship when things didn't work out. Kathryn would have had no options like that. So instead of asking her if she had told him of her feelings on the ship, he asked her: "Kathryn, do you plan on telling Chakotay how you feel about him?".

She slightly shook her head and he saw she had another tear in her eye. "It's too late now anyway. I've hurt him too much. Pushed him away too many times."

He tried to come up with a way to convince her to reconnect with Chakotay. She had lost so much already and she was entitled to some happiness now for sure. Suddenly an idea came to him. He looked at her and said: "It's time for you to enjoy dessert."

She looked at him with a surprised look on her face. "Dessert? It's not time for that yet. I just had breakfast."

"Let me explain", he said and he started to tell her what he meant.

"Life is like dinner at an official Starfleet function. Childhood is like having just arrived and people having cocktails. You don't know anybody and the brass intimidate you. You look up to them and try to fit in by copying the behavior you see around you. Adolescence is when they start to serve the appetizers and the soup. You get to know your table partners, you add to the conversation here and there, but you still feel very green and inexperienced. The main course is like adulthood. You've found your way and are at home with the others at the table, you have serious discussions but are also able to laugh with them. Dessert finally is like retirement. You enjoy the last bit of that dinner with all your might, for all too soon it will be over."

"Do you mean to say I'm getting old, my friend?" Kathryn asked.

No, but I'm telling you that you've been given a full plate, Kathryn and you've worked hard to live up to expectations and eat it all. You deserve to put that plate away now and eat your dessert. It's time to enjoy life. You've given Starfleet so much. It's ok for you to sit back and enjoy now, to be free to love that former first officer of yours. You've earned it to have some happiness now. Being together with Chakotay is the only just dessert for you. Please don't let him slip away from you now".

Kathryn had a lot to think about when she walked home later that day. Early retirement? Could she give up Starfleet just like that? She had worked so hard for it all her life, but the truth was, her appetite for space exploration had been duly satisfied and there was no way she could picture herself at a desk or teaching at the academy. Besides, if she stayed in Starfleet, there was always a chance that they would keep her and Chakotay separated. She made up her mind quickly after contemplating all that, wrote her resignation for Starfleet and delivered it at headquarters, but not after getting his current address. That was the nice part of being a hero. She could pull some strings to get the information she wanted.

Then came the second part, the one she was unsure about. She had no idea if Chakotay had still feelings for her, if he still wanted her. There was only one way to find out though, and she intended to do just that. Kathryn walked the short distance to the apartment that had been assigned to him after their return and rang the door chime. Chakotay soon opened the door with a surprised look on his face.

"Kathryn? What brings you to here? Is everything all right?"

"Everything is fine. Well… at least I hope things will be fine. I've wanted to ask you this for a long time, but I never could find the words or I wasn't free to speak them. I am now. I resigned from Starfleet. I'm no longer your captain. I can finally tell you that I love you.

Chakotay scooped her up in a big hug. "I have been hoping for those words since the first day I set foot on your bridge. I have resigned too, for I don't want to just be your subordinate anymore. I want so much more. I hoped for so much more. And now my dreams are coming true."

Chakotay pulled Kathryn inside and as the door closed behind them, he heard her say: "Chakotay, I'd like to share my dessert with you".

THE END

My thanks to Anne3Rose for giving me the input she gave me to make this a better story and for letting me use her template that was originally for the 'Ripples in the Pond' contest (even though I couldn't get it right).