Survivor siblings are often called "the forgotten mourners." Often, the majority of support in the aftermath of the suicide goes to the parents, spouse, and children of the loved one. The surviving sibling is often alone in their grief of losing the other half of themselves. The sibling connection is one of the longest relationships of our lives. We are raised in the same environment, culture and household. If the siblings are close in age, they may share the same peer groups, school memories and life experiences.
In the case of only two siblings in the immediate family, such as in mine, the siblings were more than likely "lumped together" in name; "Todd & Lori." The surviving sibling now stands alone...an only child. Half of their identity is gone. In times of family crisis, whether illness, death or divorce, the siblings often stood together as a form of shelter through the trials of life they experienced in their immediate family structure. Future experiences, such as the illness and/or death of the parents and grandparents, will now be a solo event for the surviving sibling. There will be no one else to help decide "what to do" or to help care for ailing parents. No one to help arrange for the parents funerals or manage the estates. For someone who has not been an only child, and now suddenly is, these situations can be overwhelming.
When a sibling dies, regardless of how many siblings are in the family structure, roles are most often re-delegated to a surviving sibling. Often siblings find themselves delaying their own grief so that they may help their parents and/or other siblings survive the suicide. Sometimes siblings suffer a "second death," which may occur if the parents are left debilitated by their grief, which they usually are. The surviving sibling may feel that they have been "orphaned" in this process and it can be very frightening and further lead to their feelings of isolation.
It is an awful thing to watch one's parents cry, regardless of your age or the circumstance. However, it feels unbearable to watch your parents as they are grieving for the loss of one of their own children. I still cry today, even as I type this, remembering how my parents cried and screamed out their pain and anguish over losing their firstborn son. I felt so helpless and it felt as if my heart was literally ripping out of my chest to hear their cries and see their faces contorted in such pain. In 34 years I had never seen either of my parents in such intense pain. It was the first time since his death that I actually felt an irrational seed of anger for him. How he had hurt them...how he had, in a sense, taken them away from me, I feared for forever. All of my grief, and there was so much of it, had to be put on hold. I had to take care of my parents. Back then I felt a strong need to "make it all better" and to "undo what he had done." I have since learned these feelings are normal.
Another dynamic that may be involved after losing a sibling to suicide is guilt. You may have guilt that you were unable to save your brother or sister and therefore, your entire family. You may have guilt that you had to break the "bond of secrecy" which sometimes is formed between siblings. In my case, prior to my brother's suicide, I felt the need to "tell" my parents about my fears concerning Todd. I was unable to help him on my own and, in desperation, was forced to break my vow of secrecy about Todd's ever increasing drinking and drug use. He felt I was attacking and "back-stabbing" him. Even though I know I did what was right, I still have that small seed of doubt that wonders if, in my need to save him and tell, I further ostracized him and left him feeling like it was "him against us." I still struggle with this daily. I have "enabler" guilt and then I have the guilt that comes from not enabling them any longer. I am still defensive and raw about this subject; of being titled an enabler or co-dependant. I was simply LOVING him, unconditionally. If I accept that I enabled him to drink and use drugs because of my silence, then I have to accept that it is my fault he suffered for 2 years longer than he would have if I hadn't enabled him. It was only when I stopped enabling him that he totally shut himself off from another living human being and gave up. The fact is, tough love doesn't work in cases like this. I never bought him alcohol or drugs, I never "ok'ed" it. But I loved him and helped him with whatever I could; unconditionally.
There are two books, which deal specifically on losing a sibling to suicide that I will list both here and also on the recommended reading page. I highly recommend both of these books. There is also another book that deals with individual stories from those who have lost a loved one to suicide from a wide array of relationships. It has some wonderful personal stories of sibling loss to suicide. I will list it third.
1) Sara Swan Miller "An Empty Chair: Living In The Wake Of A Siblings Suicide"
2)Michelle Linn-Gust "Do They Have Bad Days In Heaven? Surviving The Suicide Loss Of A Sibling"
3) Victoria Alexander "In The Wake Of Suicide: Stories Of The People Left Behind"
4) T.J. Wray "Surviving the Death of a Sibling" (This is a new book for surviving siblings from all types of death. Suicide is specifically mentioned and written about. This is a wonderful book)
