Rowena's Ingenius Website

1. We got off the Titanic first. (Really? I recorded that once but the last hour got cut off. But Damn right anyway, you know- women and children first...)

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. (For the record, I have never blown up a computer. Let's hope I never have to worry about this one.)

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. (True. But if your boyfriend ever does try on your clothes, spare a minute to consider why he might be doing this.) 

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. (Definately. Nothing more to say on this.)

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines. (The long-arm of the law may get you in the end. But yeah probably)

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game. (Well yeah! GUYS don't do that! Do they? Oh THAT's why they like 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' so much! And Tomb Raider! God I've been so blind!)

7. Taxis stop for us. (DUH! That's how taxi drivers make money!)

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. (What a heartless thing to say...) 

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing. (Well we could if we wanted to!)

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (You get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. (Some of my friends are gay so I dunno..)

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay. (True. I've never wondered If I'm gay. I know I am! HA! Nah not really, that just sounded really funny at the time.)

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. (I don't own any lipstick. Maybe I've never really lived..? I should buy some lipstick!)

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. (Yup and thank God for that!)

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. (Well no. That's just plain weird. Ewww..)

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. (You never know what situation will arise to prove this one wrong..)

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her ass. (I don't get involved with competetive sports. If I did then yeah I don't think I'd ever feel the need to do that..)

18. If we have a spot, we know how to conceal it. (You haven't seen my forehead apparently.)

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. (Definately NOT who honestly does that?! Oh right yeah.. the entire male population.)

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute. (The blonde of the species obviously.)

21. We have the ability to dress ourselves. (I'll assume you don't mean actually putting the clothes ON because otherwise you've put me off men forever.You were talking about the fashoin aspect right? RIGHT?) 

22. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. (Now that all depends.. ;)

23. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. (I won't so no problem in that area.)

24. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth. (This is seen as a typical female action but I have never, EVER done this. If you ask me, I WILL think you're weird. The solution is, of course, don't eat spinach.) 

25. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. (Enough said.)

26. We'll never regret piercing our ears. (I haven't got my ears pierced, although I do have little mole on my ear which often makes people think I do. Strange that..)

27. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. (I apparently was not blessed with this ability.)

28. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark. (Back to the lipstick thing again...)

29. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. (Classic! Agreed.)

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. < 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub". 10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniffle incessantly. 13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace". 19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 34. Drum on every available surface. 35. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. 37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings. 38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks. 39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. 40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 41. Set alarms for random times. 42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. 43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving. 44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 45. Honk and wave to strangers. 46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange. 47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. 49. Wear your pants backwards. 50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" 52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. 53. only type in lowercase. 54. dont use any punctuation either 55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 56. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now." 62. Light road flares on a birthday cake. 63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. 64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. 65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." 66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. 67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. 68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." 69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. 71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. 72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 73. Drive half a block. 74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. 75. Ask people what gender they are. 76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back. 77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl. 78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". 79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. 80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet. 81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. 83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." 84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. 86. Wear a LOT of cologne. 87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." 88. Sing along at the opera. 89. Mow your lawn with scissors. 90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" 91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." 92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. 93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." 94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." 95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 96. Never make eye contact. 97. Never break eye contact. 98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. 99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. 100. Make appointments for the 31st of September. 101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

This List Includes:

     * Things you can do with absolutely nothing

     * Things you can do with very little

     * Things you can do with another person

       The amusement potential for each activity is denoted.

  THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

        Push your eyes for interesting light show

                (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of

                blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things-is your

                subconscience trying to send you a message? Can you

                control what you see by pressing different areas with

                different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the

                same effects on TV?

        See how long you can hold your breath

                (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun,

                but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try

                to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate

                before hand, and stay as still as possible. My personal

                best is 2:00 exactly.

        Try to not think about polar bears

                (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially

                hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you

                were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little,

                you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

        Scratch yourself

                (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch

                yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't

                that feel pretty good?

        Hurt yourself

                (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is

                it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's

                all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for

                awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

        Try to swallow your tongue

                (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to

                say about this one. It is possible.

        Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image

                (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time

                waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an

                after image, and the image is then viewable for about the

                same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing

                on your eyes.

        Get yourself as nauseated as possible

                (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by

                looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so

                dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining

                due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see

                "Hurt Yourself").

  THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH VERY LITTLE

        See what's in your neighbor's trash

                (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot

                about people by what they throw out. You might uncover

                some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing

                out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

        Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent

                (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining.

                Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually

                talking that way.

        Call up people who write editorials you disagree with

                (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one

                has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the

                person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm

                pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call,

                too.

        Make prank phone calls

                (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining,

                but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't

                make a call funny, but getting the other person to

                believe a ridiculous story will. One to get you started off:

                Call McDonalds, try to make reservations.

        Pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you

                (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if

                this really happened? Would the group stay together, or

                would there be factions? Who would join what group?

                Remember, there would only be power for a few days before

                the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would

                always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to

                do with people you know.

        Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff

                (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out

                of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't

                step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the

                ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off

                and...AHHHHHH!!!!!

        Burn things with a magnifying glass

                (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun

                to use for this, but burning the face of someone you

                don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as

                entertaining.

  THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH ANOTHER PERSON

        Have a water drinking contest

                (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition

                is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To

                give your event an old western theme, slam the cups

                upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

        Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around

                (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I

                have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an

                experiment-does this really work?

        Have a "Who is less competitive" competition

                (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this

                will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which

                makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which

                makes you win which makes you lose. Is it possible to win at all?

        Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view

                (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your

                dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to

                2' high (15 to 60 cm for those using metric). It's never

                seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk,

                the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its

                point of view, too.

        Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear

                (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping

                people. Added challenge in having no one else around,

                because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to

                beat your record number of times before the person

                catches on.

        Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of

                person's neck

                (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag.

                For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like

                you're not sorry at all for what they think you did.

                Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how

                there was a lot of mucus in that one.