Sleep With Sylar. Save the World.



WINNER OF BEST CRACK FIC & BEST HUMOR FIC AT THE HEROES SLASH AWARDS.

Bennet, Mohinder, and Matt were at a stalemate. Bennet was holding a gun to Molly, Mohinder was holding a gun to Bennet, and Matt was lying completely useless on the floor.

“It would seem that we have reached an impasse,” said Bennet mildly.

“So it would seem,” said Mohinder.

“Urrggh,” moaned Matt, who was slowly regaining consciousness.

“How about a deal?” said Bennet, turning his head slightly to face Mohinder.

“What sort of deal?”

“We won’t kill the girl,” he said. “Instead, we’ll take her someplace safe, where the company can’t find her. A friend of ours was supposed to have destroyed the satellite by now. It should be relatively easy to conceal her.”

“And what am I supposed to do?”

Bennet gave a small smirk. “In exchange, you’ll help us stop Sylar.”

Mohinder blinked and slowly lowered his gun. “Do you know where he is?”

“We will in a second.” Bennet put his gun back in his coat pocket and crouched down to the trembling little girl’s level. “Molly?”

She cringed away from the scary man who had just been about to kill her and buried her head in her arms.

“I’m sorry I scared you, sweetie,” he said softly. “I’m just trying to keep my own little girl safe. I’m not going to hurt you. But I need your help.”

Molly slowly looked up, tears shining in her eyes.

“We need to find a bad man. A man who wants to hurt people like you.”

“You mean the Boogeyman,” Molly whispered.

Bennet was startled. “You know about Sylar?”

“Yes,” Mohinder interjected. “He killed her parents. She mentioned some police officer that saved her from him...”

“Yeah, that’d be me,” said Matt, clutching the back of his head and slowly sitting up. “Hey there, Molly.”

Molly closed her eyes. “He’s on top of some building. A couple blocks down from here.”

Bennet stood up. “Well, then. We know what we have to do.”

“Uh, do we?” asked Matt.

“Yes,” Bennet said. “We must stop Sylar.”

“How?”

“The only way Sylar can be stopped,” Bennet said, and pointed at Mohinder, “is if you sleep with him.”

“W-what?!” Mohinder exclaimed. “Sleep with him?!”

“Exactly. It’s the only way.”

Matt burst out laughing. “Ow, my head...” He leaned his head against the wall, grimacing in pain.

Mohinder glared at him. “It’s not funny.”

“Well?” said Bennet impatiently. “Are you going to do it or not?”

“Let me just get something straight first. You mean sleep with him. Not just sleep in the same bed, but...sleep with him.”

“Yes.”

“But...I’ve already slept with him,” said Mohinder. “It didn’t work.”

“Wait, you slept with him already?!” Bennet cried incredulously. “When?”

“Does it really matter?”

“Well...then if it isn’t you...we need to get someone else...” said Bennet.

Mohinder and Bennet both turned to look at Matt, who was still on the floor. Matt stared back at them.

“What?”



“There is NO WAY I’m doing this!” Matt yelled as they exited Kirby Plaza, Mohinder holding onto a still-frightened Molly’s hand. “This is totally insane!”

“You have no choice,” said Bennet as they approached that weird orange stair-statue thing. “If you don’t sleep with Sylar, countless more innocent lives will be lost.”

“But why do I have to do it?!” Matt whined. “Why can’t you?”

“Don’t be silly,” said Bennet. “I’m married.”

“So am I!” Matt cried hysterically. “With a baby on the way!”

“I already have two full-grown kids,” said Bennet smugly. “So I win.”

“But—but—it’s just not fair!”

“Life isn’t fair.”

“I hate you, Bennet.”

“I know.”

“Enough of this banter,” said Mohinder. “We need to find Sylar.”

“I just don’t get why I have to do it when Suresh is the one who’s in love with the guy,” Matt continued to complain.

“I do not love Sylar!” Mohinder said heatedly. “I loved Zane!”

“Wait—so you slept with Sylar when he was Zane?”

“Yes.”

“But that doesn’t count!” Matt exclaimed. “You were sleeping with Zane, not Sylar!”

“They’re the same person, dipstick,” said Bennet.

“But Sylar knows that Mohinder wasn’t really sleeping with him, because Mohinder thought he was sleeping with someone who wasn’t Sylar, so Sylar knows it doesn’t count, which is why he’s still all crazy and killing people and stuff!”

“You know, he does have a point,” said Bennet.

“No he doesn’t!” Mohinder said nervously. “He has no point at all. No. None whatsoever. He’s babbling like an idiot. Nope! Don’t pay attention to him at all, hahahaha!”

“Oh, I’m the one who’s babbling like an idiot,” said Matt.

“It won’t be so bad,” Bennet assured him. “You slept with him once already. Surely it wouldn’t kill you to do it again.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” said Mohinder, remembering “Zane’s” panache for S&M. “But he’s my father’s murderer. You can’t expect to just sleep with him and not be emotionally scarred for life! And possibly physically scarred.”

“Oh, poor you,” said Bennet in a mocking tone. “Sylar’s going to blow up New York City, and you don’t want to stop him because you’re scared your feelings might get hurt. Oh, wah wah.”

“Well, now you’re making me sound ridiculous!”

“That’s because you are.”

“I am not! You don’t see me asking you to sleep with Thompson, do you?”

“Might be a little difficult, since he’s dead.”

“Well, if he wasn’t. Would you do it?”

“To save the world? Yes.”

“But he tried to kill you!”

“So?”

“But...isn’t that a bit of a...turn-off?”

“Not really,” said Bennet. “Bit of a turn-on, actually...”

“Ew,” said Matt.

“Well, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree,” Mohinder huffed. “Murderers don’t get me all hot and bothered, like they seem to do with you.”

“Yeah right,” Bennet scoffed. “We all know that the only reason you want to find Sylar is so you can jump his bones.”

“Excuse me?” Mohinder cried. “That’s not true!”

“Oh, really,” Bennet smirked. “Then how do you explain these doodles I found in the medical center?”

Bennet whipped a piece of notebook paper out of his pocket. On it was drawn little sketches of—

“Wow,” said Matt, leaning in to see. “Is that position even humanly possible?”

“Yes,” said Mohinder stiffly.

“So you see?” said Bennet, putting the doodles back in his pocket. “It’s your destiny to sleep with Sylar. Again.”

“That is just about the most absurd ‘destiny’ I’ve ever heard of,” said Mohinder.

“I’ve heard stranger,” said Bennet. “C’mon. It’ll be fun.”

“Fun?!?!” Mohinder yelled hysterically. “It’s going to be fun?! Have you ever even met Sylar?”

“Yes, I have,” said Bennet, “and he seems like he’d be a tomcat in the sack.”

“What—you—but—I—just—guh—” Mohinder sputtered incoherently.

“Okay, this conversation is starting to creep me out,” said Matt, and grabbed Molly’s hand. “C’mon, we’re getting out of here.”

And Matt took Molly far, far away from the nasty talk of the genetics professor and the man with the horn-rimmed glasses.



“This is the most stupid plan ever,” Mohinder grumbled as he and Bennet approached the building where Sylar was having fun making nuclear balls with his hands.

“Oh, don’t kid yourself,” said Bennet. “You love this plan.”

Mohinder didn’t respond, and instead yelled up to the heavens, “HEY! SYLAR! I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!”

“I’ll leave you two to it now,” Bennet smirked, and slunk away, Mohinder practically glaring holes into his retreating back.

“I’ll get him back for this someday,” Mohinder muttered, and then yelled again, “SYLAR! THIS IS MOHINDER SURESH! I—WANT—TO—TALK—TO—YOU! HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

Sylar looked down from his perch on the ledge at the small figure screaming his name at the top of its lungs.

“Mohinder...?” Sylar whispered. His heart quickened.

“WHADDAYA WANT?” Sylar yelled back down at him. “I’M KINDA BUSY!”

“WHAT’RE YOU DOING?”

“I’M PRACTICING!”

“PRACTICING WHAT?”

“EXPLODING!”

Mohinder paused. “CAN I COME UP THERE?”

“WHY?”

“I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!”

“ABOUT WHAT?”

“NOTHING OF PARTICULAR IMPORTANCE! CAN I COME UP OR NOT?”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” somebody yelled from their window. “SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!”

“I GUESS YOU SHOULD COME UP, THEN!” Sylar yelled.

“YEAH, I GUESS SO!” Mohinder replied, and began to climb up the fire escape.

When Mohinder finally reached the roof of the building, panting and gasping for breath, Sylar was waiting for him, hands in his pockets.

“Hello, Mohinder,” he said.

“H-hi,” Mohinder stammered.

They stood there in silence for several moments, just staring lustfully at each other, when Sylar said, “What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Oh...nothing, really...”said Mohinder nervously, rocking himself back and forth. “Just wanted to see how you were...”

“Well, I’m great, thanks,” said Sylar. “How about you?”

“I’ve been better.” Mohinder whistled and looked around. “So, uh...eat any good brains lately?”

“What is this about, Mohinder?” Sylar asked, crossing his arms. “Are you here to tell me I shouldn’t explode? Or did you bring some of your precious police friends that you were calling on the phone earlier?”

“N-no,” said Mohinder. “I just...” He gulped.

“Just what?”

“I...”

“Spit it out already.”

Mohinder suddenly leapt at Sylar, and slammed his lips against his. His tongue traced the inside of Sylar’s mouth, and he gripped Sylar’s head with an unnatural strength and passion.

When he finally let go, he was panting even more than he had been already, overcome with desire, his heart thumping so hard he thought it was going to shoot right out of his chest.

Sylar seemed to be feeling the same, as his eyes slowly fluttered open and he gazed at Mohinder with shocked and longing eyes.

“Wow,” Sylar said softly. “That was unexpected.”

Mohinder didn’t say anything, and continued to pant, still clutching Sylar by the hair.

Sylar stroked Mohinder’s cheek, and began to kiss Mohinder’s neck. Mohinder gasped and shuddered, and Sylar held him close and tight as he bit and kissed, bit and kissed.

As Sylar shoved him down onto the hard concrete and tore off Mohinder’s shirt telekinetically, Mohinder was struck with the vague sense that maybe this was, in fact, the greatest plan ever devised by mankind.



“You know, I know an even better plan than Suresh sleeping with Sylar,” Bennet told Matt at their super-secret location.

“What?” said Matt.

Bennet smiled mischievously.