How To Apologize

 Most people experience guilt fairly frequently off and on throughout their life. It is a natural part of life and actually performs a very adaptive function in helping us to learn from painful or frightening experiences. In spite of common beliefs to the contrary, the experience of guilt is not always completely negative, unproductive and disruptive. Guilt can motivate, stimulate a thorough review of mistakes, increase future alertness and caution, afford one a feeling of being responsible and foster social acceptance and esteem.  Or guilt can make you crazy, make you sick, trash your self esteem, destroy your hope, make you stupid and trash  your life and the lives of others in your life.. Decreasing self-respect will make one more likely to not care about danger.   Harboring our guilty concience for a prolonged period of time may make us resentful and feeling guilty for feeling guilty about a situation over which we have little to no power.  It doesn't necessarily follow that because you feel guilt feelings, there is something to be guilty about. Guilt is simply a feeling -- a mental experience and mechanism -- a program our brain runs in response to a perceived negative outcome of some sort.  Of course guilt does usually accompany something we have done, but sometimes our guilt is misplaced.  We turn the act over and over in our minds but we lack the intestinal fortitude and committment to repent and turn away from what we did and ask forgiveness. There is no commitment to change, we just know we did wrong and can't find a loophole to get out of it. In many instances, the guilt precipitates committing the error again and again and again.  Guilt can lead to remorse, though we are keen to heed a stance of being imprisoned by our faulty concience.  When guilt feelings are way out of line with logic but they don't seem to go away or diminish, it can be a very frustrating, negative experience. This situation is uncomfortable in itself but it also often can corrode self-esteem, motivation, productivity and health. It can be a cause of depression and self sabotaging behaviors. One can feel increasingly helpless, hostile to self and hopeless. 

HOW TO WORK TOWARD APOLOGIZING IF YOU ARE FINDING IT DIFFICULT There are many reasons why me have difficulty apologizing. We may be too ashamed, too hurt, or even too afraid. We may feel that what we have done is unforgivable. We may sense a loss of personal power. In an apology we are required to admit fault; we are required to be brutally honest with ourselves and the other person. Basically telling the truth about what had happened and that we are remorseful is a crucial step toward making peace with a person we have harmed. Telling the truth is not complicated theologically - after all God is a God of Truth.

"Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor"
Ephesians 4:25

But as I already mentioned we have to face reality that the power to forgive lays in the hand of others, and some of us may feel lower than the person we are apologizing to. It can feel like we are not worthy of their forgiveness, which causes us to feel hopeless or as though we were under attack. While it is true that only the other party has the power to forgive, we only sabatoge ourselves by withholding our apologies and holding on to our hurt. But, this idea of powerlessness is often misunderstood by the individual. Being in a state of powerlessness does not mean that we are totally incompetent and helpless in every way. The focus here is on our disempowered wills. We cannot change what has occured. The past is over and done with, yet both the offender and the offender often remain hurting in some manner. I'm sure you have read over and over agin the power of willpower in any situation. But I do not beleive that willpower alone is going to be powerful enough. Sometimes our problems are more serious and complicated than that. This is where I talk about deep psychological, mental and emotional states that we all partake in when either we have been harmed or we have harmed another in some way. One of these states is the feeling of a disempowered will, a feeling a stagnation and unworthingness. This feeling is often confused with humility, but true humility is not self destructive.

The Apostle Paul did a good job of describing this experience of the disempowered will when he said:

"I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out."
Romans 7:18

I can definately understand and empathize with Paul here. We have the desire to do what we ought to do, but we allow ourselves to remain stuck in this terrible state of being. Sometimes we become so "comfortable" with our pain that we do not allow ourselves the freedom to even realize that we have all the power in the world to release it. Some people may think that this particular state of disempowerment has to do with wanting to do wrong, wanting to feel justified for doing what already occured. Yet, the problem is not so much that we want the wrong thing, but that we believe that we are powerless to do the right thing. This is why it is absolutely critical to understand the futility of 'willpower' alone as a solution to the problem. Just trying harder will not work. If an apology fails, we can always try again... but trying harder is not what I mean. Trying again also does not mean that we continue to apologize in the same ways as before.

One thing that deters many apologies is a feeling of an unmanageable experience of life. Sometime during the process it may be difficult to see the full extent of the unmanageability of our lives. After all we want to apologize in order to be forgiven, which is a managerial goal of sorts. This gives us a sense of powerlessness over the situation. Some people express concern that the idea of powerlessness diminishes the significance of personal choice and responsibility. It is important, however, to remember that we do acknowedge that we do make bad choices and the solution of course if that we should make better choices. This concept is a concept which presents a much more complicated picture of the human condition and, thankfully, a much more grace-full solution! Emphasizing the 'enslaving' nature of evil does not minimize the seriousness of the problem nor our personal responsibility for our behavior. But once we understand the idea we can see that it does make it absolutely clear that there is no solution in the realm of apologies and forgiving which relies simply on willpower. We can see that any solution which relies solely on willpower has very little or no chance for success. Willpower is not something to be denied, however. I am simply stating that willpower is merely a part of the process of the apology, and not the primary advocating factor.

Also, we may have difficulty in believing in ourselves being capable of making the proper amends in the first place. To 'believe' is not just to affirm the truth of some abstract concept. To 'believe' is to put trust in, in one's self in order to show forth one's true colors. This is why I say willpower alone is not sufficient, but true willpower is a necessary component in delivering an authentic, sincere, and hopefully life-changing apology. Most of us do not have a lot of faith or trust in ourselves, in either spectrum (apologizing or forgiving). When we really start working toward forgiving someone, or when we really start working toward apologizing to someone we begin to have doubts. The precise doubts vary from person to person, but I cannot ever view a situation where anyone has never doubted the impeding circumstances. Only later durning the process do we realize that we can do a lot more than we expect in any situation with the very little bit of hope that we have. With hope, no matter how minimal, we are now able to work toward restoration in the relationship that has fallen apart in some way. Restoration is a powerful metaphor for healing. After an initial apology or two or three has failed restoration will probably be the last thing we expect. It is much more common at this stage to expect the other person to remain angry, rejecting, hostile, abusive, judgmental, or shaming. But the truth is that they do still retain the power to forgive in their hearts underneath all of these more negative feelings. This shows us though that new apologies done in a different way, may bring us more favorable results. Yet sometimes additional apologies may invoke more hostility. This is why we cannot approach secondary apologies in the same way that we did the first apologies. To do so would be a mark against our sanity. Yet we are human, so we may attempt the same strategy hoping for a different result, hoping that this time we will be forgiven. But, it doesn't work that way. Some people find it helpful to define insanity as "continuing do to the same thing but expecting a different result." But if you feel as though you are truthfully out of your right mind in trying to apologize this may be your largest stumbling block. The core of any apology is coming to believe in the possibility of restoration and/or reconciliation with the injured party. It is possible for things to be better, to be made right, to be whole again, to be healed. We must therefore begin to somehow to focus on the possibility of restoration - and to believe that yes, there is hope! You may not know right now how it will happen or what it will look like. But it is enough now to recognize that you can find the power to apologize more effectively in the future and that you are worthy of forgiveness.

Once you have developed the right spirit, you are well on your way. But in all actuality you've just barely begun to do the work. We must put ourselves into a mode of action. In this phase of the process we come to realize that thinking about apologizing sincerely and actualy apologzing sincerely are complete different modalities. Likewise if we are struggling to forgive someone we must also realize that thinking about forgiving someone is not exactly the same thing as actually forgiving them. Either way, this is a phase that requires determined, precise and committed action. It is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked our way toward healing the strained relationship with the other individual. I have already mentioned hope as one component that is necessary to begin breaking away the blockages that deter us from living a harmonious life with a particular individual. But there is another component that goes along with this idea, and that is the idea of faith. I do not doubt that faith and hope go hand in hand, and can sometimes appear to be the same thing. Indeed, faith is necessary, but just as willpower alone is not enough, faith alone can avail nothing. We can have faith, yet keep our lives in total shambles. Therefore our problem now becomes just how and by what specific means shall we be able to allow ourselves to atone for our wrongs and to forgive another individual? This is why we must begin to put our apologies and forgiving attitudes into practice. We need to make a clear cut decision to act upon what we have learned from our inward selves about the situation. Our emotions tell us that something is not right and that we should do something. But sometimes we feel too hurt to actually take any action. The action of this step is to make a decision. Actually changing the nature of how we relate to another person may be a long and painful process, but we do have the ability to work through our pain, if we allow ourselves to. You may not yet have a clue about how to implement such a hard decision. It honestly may be a very tough decision whether or not we are going to apologize, or whether or not we are going to forgive someone. But if you believe that you can't do what needs to be done, then you will probably not even give it a try.

In reality by the time we fully understand that we do have the capability to accurately make amends or accurately forgive we also may find ourselves in a panic, because we come to understand that it is very clear that recovery from our previous emotional struggles and burdens will involve a major restructuring of our lives. We have been turning our lives over to our own pain and hurt, and allowing our hurts and pain to control us, which is ultimately a self-defeating endevour, making restitution less likely. We need to make an acknowledgment that our understanding of the sitution may have intially been misguided. And then we know that we all have a lot to learn about ourselves and the other individual! If we don't think we have a lot to learn then we probably need to work on the issue some more before proceeding with the rest of the process. Indeed what is going to occur once we are forgiven will be akin to a spiritual transformation within the relational paradigm. And ultimately our understanding about the whole situation will also be changed dramatically during the process.

What is happening is that we are searching... in the words of Billy Joel in the infamous song River of Dreams, we're... "searching for something that can never be found... looking for something that can only be seen by the eyes of the blind." The word searching implies that we are looking for something that has been hidden and that we will need to be thorough in our efforts. When we start doing the hard and often painful work in our hearts we quickly realize how instinctive it is for us to be evasive, to blame, or even to get distracted. We procrastinate in our apologies. Of course sometimes certain circumstances may make it tougher to apologize more readily but the real problem doesn't lie with the other person anyway. The real problem lies within our own spirits. Most of us have not taken inventory of ourselves in a long time - maybe never. And we have hidden the truth from ourselves and it will now take a disciplined effort to pay attention. It is probably important to emphasize that nothing in our apology or forgiveness process is meant to suggest that we are responsible for everything that went wrong in the relationship. We may have been harmed in many ways, or we may have harmed in many ways... but not all of the harm is something we are responsible for. The heart of this step is to begin identifying the things in the relationship for which we are responsible. We cannot fix anyone else. We cannot take responsibility for other people's poor choices. But we can start to identify the things for which we are responsible! Working this step will require a sustained effort to get past all the creative forms of denial and the various forms of hurt that have protected us from having a peaceful relationship with the other person.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." [Psalm 139:23-24]

We need to work through our fear and develop an intrinsic state of fearlessness in a manner of speaking. What I mean is that we must not be afraid to look deep within. I know that calling this self evaluation 'fearless' might be a little confusing. It don't mean that you will not be afraid. That's a bit too much to expect. You will experience fear. But you need to allow yourself to do so, and to not be afraid of experiencing the fear. To call inventory of one's soul fearless means that we will be courageous in the face of our fears. When the fear comes - and it will come - we will keep on. Letting go of our old destructive negative emotional patterns and continuing to work this step in spite of the fear will create a new and potentially lifesaving pattern for fear management... and then we will be more ready to forgive or to apologize. A moral inventory is not just a listing of bad actions for which we are responsible. Instead it is a change in character and ultimately in spirit and in self identity. I use the term self-identity rather loosely here, but what I am referring to is real self-identity verses merely egotistical or false personas. We are always called to examine our ways, the character of our lives in order to create more meaningful lives for ourselves and for others. As we begin to take full responsibility for the way we have responded to life, we gradually learn to let go of things for which we are not responsible and to hold ourselves accountable for our own actions and responses. Resentments are an important focus because they are one of the most common causes of relationship breakdowns. The main reason for doing a moral inventory of our fears is that, next to resentments, fears are one of the things that most commonly lead us to relapse. Making an inventory of our fears forces us to look closely at how we manage our fears. As we look at what makes us afraid we will be given many opportunities to find out how thoroughly we have worked on our spirits and on the spirit of the situation.

Gradually we learn that our faith and hope in a new outcome can be helpful to us when we are afraid either to apologize or to forgive someone. Gradually, one-day-at-a-time, we can turn our fears into hope, and ultimately do what is necessary no matter how hard the struggle to create or re-create more meaningful relationships. An apology requires that we confess the wrong that we have to an individual, and this confession is part of making amendsm with them. But making such a confession can seem overwhelmingly complicated if we are not in tune with our feelings.The spiritual discipline of confession is central to all sincere and effective apologies. Unfortunately few of us today have practical experience with the discipline of confession, or admitting fault, or accepting responsibility. Or, if we do have experience with confession, we have probably experienced this discipline as a shaming and counterproductive exercise in self-blame, rather than true humility.. The foundations for confession are really not all that difficult to understand, once we begin to really undertake the work. It is important to remember that confession is often seen as a nonnegotiable part of the apology. Most people will not accept an apology if they sense or believe that the confession is faulty, or if a confession is lacking. Few of us have had to learn how to practice this important discipline in a healthy and productive way. By the time we get to this part of the apology process many of us have spent way too much time learning not to admit anything, or at least not yet. We have learned instead how to blame, to evade, to deceive, to deny, or to put it off until later.

We expect silence to be the best course of action. But silence about the exact nature of our wrongs leads to depression, sleeplessness and exhaustion. We fret and brood and worry about various things, still feeling compelled to do what is right, if we only knew what the right thing to do was. Therefore, we are the principal victims of our own denial. If we claim to be without fault we deceive no-one but ourselves. Self deception in one form or another is a drama familiar to just about everybody. We must begin to start telling the truth to ourselves and to others about what is really going on. This, as I said before, means taking full personal ownership of our inward inventory To admit to ourselves means taking it in, not avoiding the painful realities of our emotional states due to the transgressions that we have caused. This may take some time because these painful truths sink in slowly. It is time that we admit our faults to the injured party and give them the gift of the oppurtunity to forgive us, but without manipulating them or trying to force them into doing so.

In order to accurately apologize we must become quite humble in our approach, because humility. Early on in the process of seeking restoration with another person, humility is, to put it simply, humiliating... or... at least that is how it feels. Our grandiosity and overinflated egos feel crushed by the fact that we do not seem to be in charge of our lives and the sitution. Admitting our powerlessness feels like the most shaming and humiliating thing that could ever happen to us. We gradually find that true humility is less exhausting than we have originally thought and that it is easier, more rewarding, more productive and less painful that pretending we are more or better than we actually are. It is this liberating effect of humility that we start to learn that the benefits of pure humility are enormous.

"Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted." [Matthew 23:12]


Of course the reason we apologize is not merely to be forgiven but to have that sensation that outr shotcomings have been washed away, or have been removed so that we can move on with our lives in harmony with a particular person. The use of the word 'shortcomings' here is very close to the meaning of the Greek word harmatia which is often translated into English as 'sin.' It means "to miss the mark" in the sense that an archer might miss a target. We have missed the mark in a sense with another person... we did not relate to them in the ways we wished we had done. It might be useful at this point to look back over the various ways in which each expression through the apology process emphasizes a different aspect of our internal selves.

If you actually reach this stage you will have become willing to make amends. But, what does it mean to become willing to do something? Unfortunately, it doesn't mean we necessarily know how to do it. Nor does it mean we necessarily want to do it right now at this stage. It doesn't necessarily mean it will be any fun. But, in spite of our resistance, our fears, our rationalizations, we can still be willing. It is not unusual to find one person on our mental list of people who we have harmed that we just can't imagine being willing to make amends to. Usually this person is someone who has hurt us a great deal and it seems grossly unfair for us to have to become willing to make amends for the small harm we caused this person. But it is critically important to remember that taking responsibility for the harm we have done does not justify the harm which others have done. The only wrongs you can productively work on and make amends for are your own. This is why it is always in our own best interests to become willing to make amends to all the people we have harmed.

The more difficult an amends is to make, the more negative you may feel toward the person to whom you go to make amends - and the more rewarding the aftermath. There's a spiritual dynamic here that is very powerful. There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We shouldn't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen and there may be a valid reason for postponement of forgiveness in some cases. But we should not procrastinate or delay an apology or an attitude of forgiveness if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. However, for our continued well-being, our making amends must in no way be contingent upon the other person's response (except when to do so would injure him or her). We must overlook the perceived injustices we have experienced as well as see beyond the innumerable rationalizations we conceive to avoid this step. We must shatter every excuse that hinders the taking of this vital step in the path of recovery. What matters here is not what we are owed, but rather what we owe! Though we cannot control how our efforts at amends will be received by another, this step of restoration remains life or death to us. Making amends is a spiritual discipline with a long history.

"If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift." [Matt 5:223-24]

"To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice." [Proverbs 21:3]


Making amends can involve a lot of things - from a simple apology to full restitution. But I must make it clear that making amends may or may not lead to reconciliation. It may or may not lead to continued relationship. We are not in charge of what it leads to. Having become willing to make amends, we are to honor the other person by doing whatever justice can be done under the circumstances. I believe that if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in others. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We have become willing to make amends to people we have harmed. But, before we do so, we must ask ourselves if making amends will cause additional injury. This part of the process forces us to pay attention to how other people are likely to experience us. It forces us to develop empathy - a quality that was singularly lacking at the time we harmed others.

Finally, it is worth emphasizing that what we have learned in our struggles to apologize more effectively or to forgive someone, that there are indeed certain basic principles which can be applied anytime you find yourself having a hard time forgiving or apologizing. We have learned here to face some painful truths about ourselves, we have learned to tell the truth, we have learned to share what we have been given, we have learned to take responsibility for our actions and much more than that: we have learned how to forgive and how to make amends wherever possible.

I believe that we should make direct amends to those persons we have harmed whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. The important thing to remember, though, is that no matter how prepared you are, no matter the time or the kind of amends, you have absolutely no control over the other person’s reaction to you. This seems to be one of my most apparent vulnerabilities, because if I am truthfully sorry, it would only make logical sense that I would be forgiven. But the truth is, we aren't always forgiven, even when we are sincere. The real heart of the matter is that you are making amends for you; so that you can free yourself from the past and live a new life out of the shadows and despair of addiction. What I mean by "direct amends" is that we should as often and readily as possible speak directly to the other person, and I do believe this was meant face-to-face. I think we must be careful in this day and age to keep this in mind because how much easier would it be to send an email or write a letter, or to just simply write a car. How much more difficult to save enough money to fly to that person's home-town and knock on their door. I am aware that culturally however there are cases when we cannot apologize directly... so in this case, if there is a legal issue I do not recommend apologizing face to face, but only to do so at a later time. When you make direct amends (and this is how I was taught), it is important that the timing be right. What might be the right time for you might not be the right time for the other person. You don’t want to be working this step if the other person doesn’t feel well, doesn’t have time or is mired in his/her own problems. I do suggest a lot of self-work and tons of prayer. God has a wonderful way of putting people in the right place at the right time if we ask Him. If "your" time doesn’t work, be grateful. It probably wasn’t the right time anyway. In all honesty it is impossible to tell whether or not our efforts and making amends will work out. But what does it really mean to make amends? Amend means to change. It does not mean "I’m sorry". If we are truly honest about the amends we make and work this step as long as we must, we will truly know a new freedom and a new happiness!

Why we make ammends explained...

We make amends for the unloving things we have said and done. We make amends to increase joy and Love in our lives and to restore balance in our relationships. When we take this step, we ultimately lead ourselves to freedom and healing. Taking this step puts into action our emerging consciousness of spirituality. The process of making amends expresses our changed attitude in a real and tangible way. Our amends are a visible sign of the inner transformation that occurs when we embrace forgiveness and reestablish pure and true love as the guiding force in our lives. In all truth we cannot truly love without an effort of courage; loving actions require a sense of nobility and courageousness. But, even though we may be eager to make some amends, other amends involve emotional risk and cause our egos discomfort. The intent of making amends is to put truth into action, not to manipulate other people or bring about a desired response from them, other than reconciliation. Yet, the ego resists what it cannot control. We may wish we could avoid making amends, but renewing our sense of wholeness and love through this process is well worth the effort required. We may also wish that we are readily forgiven, but we cannot place this responsibility upon ourselves. We can only do our part and do our best to acknowledge that the other party could do their part as well. Making amends is not punishment, but an opportunity for healing. While some amends may require us to give our time or pay back money, the purpose of this process is not to assuage guilt through creating hardship for its own sake. To work this process effectively, we need be honest and accurate with ourselves about what is needed to resolve our unsettled matters. We must face the reality of the situation for its real worth.We will understand that, in certain instances confessing our unloving actions may not be the highest good for all involved. Therefore, we should approach our amends with awareness. In the process of apologizing, seeking forgiveness or making amends, every course of action we contemplate should be carefully evaluated. When a situation warrants, we can restore balance through appreciation and special kindness without disclosing the guilt we seek to heal. But in other situations it may be necessary to reveal this guilt if the person would so require us to do so before forgiving us. We can give something to the company from which we stole; we can do something nice for the child we shortchanged. If such an action seems out of character or raises questions, we can perform it anonymously. Sometimes the best way to make amends is to turn over a new leaf and honor the relationship in question. If the intention in our hearts is pure, the scales will be balanced, and we will know the unity, freedom, and bliss that is our birthright.

REQUESTING FORGIVENESS

I've apologized, but s/he won't forgive me...

In your life you may have come accross some unusual barriers in your life. You actively desire for reconciliation with a particular person, so you apologize to them and take full responsibility, and perhaps even change your behaviour, but still feel quite dismayed because the other person is still resentful toward you. Indeed there are times when your work to gain forgiveness gets you nowhere. The person you hurt may not wish to fogive you. Even if you beg them for mercy, they may walk away feeling unmoved by your groveling before them. Some people may not forgive because they wish to be vidicated of the injustice. Other people may refuse to forgive you because what you did, in their eyes was unforgivable and too reprehensible.Sometimes when we "give" apologies, we are really expecting a change.  We have an "I 'apologize' to you so you must 'forgive' me expectation."  Do you really give your apologies, or do you just exchange the apology for the forgiving heart? You may find yourself struggling beating your head against the wall. But if you are able to form a solid sense of self, however, you can choose to do what you believe is the right thing to do, whether your efforts are rewarded or not. 

 On the one hand, if the acts of contrition make you feel weak and defenseless it may be because of the personal meaning you attach to apologies. On the other hand you may feel as though the hurt party is using your remorse against you. Sometimes we allow our hurt to lead the way, rather than to merely be a signal that things should be different.But working up toward gaining forgiveness is not an easy task. And neither is working toward forgiving someone either. To ask someone for forgiveness, you must fully believe that you are worthy of forgiveness. This is not an understatement. You must have developed an inner core that has accepted yourself for the vulnerable and fragile human being that you are, and in turn become strong, sound and solid by default. Understanding this, however, is a very minor, but yet very crucial step toward reconciliation. In other words if you assume that you have nothing redeeming to offer, or that you're too evil, you'll have no reason to try. We may have a sense of worthlessness that impedes us from attaining what we desire most. It is often not that we don't want to heal the hurt caused in our relationships, but rather that we feel too hurt and wounded ourselves to either apologize or forgive.

As was recently brought to my attention, when we have this pain we may try to discredit it as being unreal, or merely perceived pain. This pain is not "percieved" it is authentic and real... after all who is to say that emotional pain is not real? It is always a good idea to forgive those who apologize to us. And some people argue debatedly whether or not we should forgive without an apology. Gary Chapman believes that we should not forgive without an apology, yet personally I do not share the same belief system as he does. I believe that even though it is excruciatingly difficult to do so, the first step is becoming willing to forgive the person not only for harming you, but for also not apologizing to you. This is really more difficult than most people think and is not an instaneous process. But I believe that we do have the capability to forgive with or without an apology. Another approach we may take if we find that strategy too difficult, is to accept the harm. Accepting the harm done is a form of forgiveness, although it lies on the lesser end of the spectrum because we don't have a positive and powerful confrontation with the other person. This type of forgiveness isn't real forgiveness simply because it does not lead to reconciliation, but it does help you to internally lessen your own pain until you are ready to fully forgive. If you decide to take the tougher and ultimately more positive course, you will explain your values to the other person and seek for both of you to understand A. why the person harmed you, and B. why you were hurt by it. and C.what each of you can do to make the relationship better. This will most likely be a very difficult conversation, and can be quite complicated to even get started. But the point is to try... and try again... sometimes really changing an aspect in yourself will help the other person see you in a new frame of light. There are even some who would suggest that you tell the person you forgive them anyway, even if you don't really feel it right now, because in some (not all) cases the person becomes receptive to you, and then the feelings of forgiveness come in later. Everyone has different needs in apologies and even forgivenesses(is that even a word?) A good book to read on Apologies is On Apology by Aaron Lazare... and I also recommend The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman. But you have to realize that this takes hard work, and working through your REAL emotional pain barriers toward ultimate forgiveness, or effective apologies.

SHOULD I APOLOGIZE OR NOT

SHOULD I FORGIVE OR NOT

I have come to understand that sometimes we don't know whether or not we should apologize to someone or not, whether or not we should forgive someone or not. This really isn't a simple question to answer, because every situation is different. There may indeed be some cases where it is best to let bygone's be bygones. But if you are seeking restoration then the obvious answer, it would seem, would be yes, right? Not so fast there... we're getting ahead of ourselves and here is why, sometimes we have to take the other person into consideration. The other person may have a very good reason why they are not in tune with our desire to make amends with them. This does not mean that at some point in the future we might not be able to make peace with them. Sometimes they too are hurting and not wanting anything to do with the situation because the emotions are too intense for them. So in a situation like this we may ask others; should I forgive him or not, should I apologize or not? Should I just accept this as part of my existence even though it eats away at my soul and move on, or should I do something about the pain I bear? In a case like this it may often seem easier to allow somebody else to make a decision for you. You hear their advice and take it to heart even though it just doesn't feel right. You can't quite make up your own mind, or you don't want to take responsibility for your own emotions, or you're trying to please somebody else, rather than doing what you feel and believe is thr right thing to do. You end up compromising yourself or giving up a bit of your own life. And the only way to counteract this is to make your own decision whether or not to forgive, whether or not to apologize, or even re-apologize, or re-re-apologize. This in turn means that you have to know something about the decision making process in reference to apologies and forgiving. You need to re-align yourself with your true purpose in what you are seeking. Are you seeking a friendship reborn? Are you seeking merely to heal the situation? Are you simply wanting a one time peaceful occurance, or do you want something deeper? If you decide to apologize, but the way you go about it is not in-tune with your true purpose it will ultmately fail... and if you decide to forgive someone and merely try to act as if you are completely ready when the truth is that you are not, it will end up being a ridiculous waste of your time and energy. How much better it would be to the move in the direction of fulfilling your own purpose, while building stronger and stronger relationships with the people around you.

We all have a sense of inner wisdom, but we can become disconnected from this source for a variety of reasons. But this is why we need to understand two human principles... the principle of adaptability and unpredictability... There's no way to know what will actually happen. The universe is unpredictable. People do unexpected things. Unforeseen circumstances are unforeseen!

Far too often when we apologize or try to forgive we try to see past the present into what will be... Yet, I think at times we may need to give up wanting to know the precise results that would occur if we apologize or if we forgive. We may wonder... 'if I say or do this will he or she forgive me?' or 'What if I forgive him, but he still treats me the same way as before?' These questions are reasonable and an accurate display of how we really feel. But these sort of questions are exactly what limits us to remaining stuck in the place we are in. Instead you should only move foreward when you are ready, when you have enough internal information in the present to make an informed decision whether or not to apologize or to forgive. When your heart matches your true desire, the results will more than likely be phenomenal. If you are not ready to apologize or to forgive, then you should do the work toward attaining it... but don't pretend that you are ready, because the other person will probably catch on to it, and sometimes even use it against you in some way. You can always come back to it later... but the point is to try, and to keep trying until you are ready. It's just not necessary to spend a huge amount of time deciding whether you should go ahead or not because doing it might mean you're missing out on something else. If you haven't forgiven someone, yet, you've already decided to hold on to your pain... likewise if you haven't apologized yet, you've already made some decision that you either shouldn't, can't, or are too unworthy of forgiveness. These are non-productive decisions made in the heart, rather than wise decisions that lead us into harmony with other people. All of our decisions, even emotional ones can lead us toward favorable outcomes, or distasterous consequences. Sometimes we may decide that we should or want to reconcile with a person, but our decision is lacking in completeness because we have a faulty assumption in how to actually change our behaviour. Our relationships can only be changed the moment we finally wake up and see that we have faults just like the other person, and are truly committed to changing that aspect, first within ourselves, and then with others. If you don't change your standards and your behaviour in your apologies and in your attitude toward forgiveness you will find it easy to fall away from the behaviours and attitudes that would provide you with what you are truly seeking out of the relationship. No one wants to remain in a state of hatred, depression, or anger forever. Everyone wants to release some of that emotional pain. Once we realize that the other person also really desires for peaceful relationships, and that deep down they have the same power we have to apologize and to forgive we can then begin the process that may eventually lead to a reconciled relationship.

If you use your power to forgive you will have the capacity to get past any excuses, whether actual or imagined, to change how you relate to yourself and to other people. You will finally be free to live a life without holding onto to too many grievences. It may not happen overnight, necessarily, though sometimes it might.

 When your heart matches your true desire, the results will more than likely be phenomenal. If you are not ready to apologize or to forgive, then you should do the work toward attaining it... but don't pretend that you are ready, because the other person will probably catch on to it, and sometimes even use it against you in some way. Other cases may call for a clash in wills. You may be ready to apologize, but the other person may not yet be ready to forgive you. Or you may be ready to forgive someone, but they may not be ready to accept your graces. Yet, you can always come back to it later... but the point is to try, and to keep trying until both of you are ready. Bear in mind, however that I am not saying to try to force someone to forgive you... as I have seen in my own life this strategy fails practically every time, anyway. But, it's just not necessary to spend a huge amount of time deciding whether you should go ahead or not because doing it might mean you're missing out on something else. If you haven't forgiven someone, yet, you've already decided to hold on to your pain... likewise if you haven't apologized yet, you've already made some decision that you either shouldn't, can't, or are too unworthy. These are non-productive decisions made in the heart, rather than wise decisions that lead us into harmony with other people.

WHAT IT REALLY MEANS TO MAKE AMENDS

I believe that we should make direct amends to those persons we have harmed whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. The important thing to remember, though, is that no matter how prepared you are, no matter the time or the kind of amends, you have absolutely no control over the other person’s reaction to you. This seems to be one of my most apparent vulnerabilities, because if I am truthfully sorry, it would only make logical sense that I would be forgiven. But the truth is, we aren't always forgiven, even when we are sincere. The real heart of the matter is that you are making amends for you; so that you can free yourself from the past and live a new life out of the shadows and despair. What I mean by "direct amends" is that we should as often and readily as possible speak directly to the other person, and I do believe this was meant face-to-face. I think we must be careful in this day and age to keep this in mind because how much easier would it be to send an email or write a letter, or to just simply write a card. How much more difficult to save enough money to fly to that person's home-town and knock on their door. I am aware that culturally however there are cases when we cannot apologize directly... so in this case, if there is a legal issue I do not recommend apologizing face to face, but only to do so at a later time. And I am aware that in some cases it may be impossible to make face-face contact. But if it is possible, then face-face to contact is probably, in most cases, the best form of apology.

When you make direct amends (and this is how I was taught), it is important that the timing be right. What might be the right time for you might not be the right time for the other person. You don’t want to be working this step if the other person doesn’t feel well, doesn’t have time or is mired in his/her own problems. I do suggest a lot of self-work and tons of prayer. God has a wonderful way of putting people in the right place at the right time if we ask Him. If "your" time doesn’t work, be grateful. It probably wasn’t the right time anyway. In all honesty it is impossible to tell whether or not our efforts and making amends will work out. But what does it really mean to make amends? Amend means to change. It does not mean "I’m sorry". If we are truly honest about the amends we make and work this step as long as we must, we will truly know a new freedom and a new happiness!

Why we make ammends explained...

We make amends for the unloving things we have said and done. We make amends to increase joy and love in our lives and to restore balance in our relationships. When we take this step, we ultimately lead ourselves to freedom and healing. Taking this step puts into action our emerging consciousness of spirituality. The process of making amends expresses our changed attitude in a real and tangible way. Our amends are a visible sign of the inner transformation that occurs when we embrace forgiveness and reestablish pure and true love as the guiding force in our lives. In all truth we cannot truly love without an effort of courage; loving actions require a sense of nobility and courageousness. But, even though we may be eager to make some amends, other amends involve emotional risk and cause our egos discomfort. The intent of making amends is to put truth into action, not to manipulate other people or bring about a desired response from them, other than reconciliation. Yet, the ego resists what it cannot control. We may wish we could avoid making amends, but renewing our sense of wholeness and love through this process is well worth the effort required. We may also wish that we are readily forgiven, but we cannot place this responsibility upon ourselves. We can only do our part and do our best to acknowledge that the other party could do their part as well. Making amends is not punishment, but an opportunity for healing. While some amends may require us to give our time or pay back money, the purpose of this process is not to assuage guilt through creating hardship for its own sake. To work this process effectively, we need be honest and accurate with ourselves about what is needed to resolve our unsettled matters. We must face the reality of the situation for its real worth.We will understand that, in certain instances confessing our unloving actions may not be the highest good for all involved. Therefore, we should approach our amends with awareness. In the process of apologizing, seeking forgiveness or making amends, every course of action we contemplate should be carefully evaluated. When a situation warrants, we can restore balance through appreciation and special kindness without disclosing the guilt we seek to heal. But in other situations it may be necessary to reveal this guilt if the person would so require us to do so before forgiving us. We can give something to the company from which we stole; we can do something nice for the child we shortchanged. If such an action seems out of character or raises questions, we can perform it anonymously. Sometimes the best way to make amends is to turn over a new leaf and honor the relationship in question. If the intention in our hearts is pure, the scales will be balanced, and we will know the unity, freedom, and bliss that is our birthright. God does not want us to live lives of disencouragement. Instead, God says that we are to walk in the light... if you live in darkness, depression, sadness and confusion, God understands your pain, but He is faithful and just to forgive you if you allow Him to.

EMOTIONAL STATES OF APOLOGIES

There seems to be a need to talk about emotional states in reference to apologies. Indeed, what is it that drives us to try to make peace with people, to seek out new friendships or even to restore old ones? This is the power of emotion. In a harmonious relationship we may find at times that we are at a neutral state. Psycoanylists may define this as the beginning state. In this state we are free of hurt, anger, or guilt. This is indeed the state that most warm relationships begin in. And if you are trying to deliver an appropiate apology this is the stae in which you want to return, initially. This will therefore include a full reconciliation of hurt or guilt. In this neutral zone we feel safe, tranquil and are fully able to be completely aware of our growth potential.

The emotional state by the offended may be one of the many barriers preventing us from reconciling with them. And this is most commonly reffered to simply as emotional hurt. You did something (or neglected to take action) that hurt me physically, materially, emotionally or psychologically. It could be a slight, insult, betrayal, injury, assault, theft, or anything else that harmed the other person or humiliated them. In most cases they will feel humiliated, angry, resentful, bothered, or just plain bad. They may be annoyed at you. But once you deliver an effective apology the offeded party will probably have a sensation of vindication, simply because you have acknowledged your responsibility in causing them harm. But if your apology is not well received, and ineffective in some manner the person will probably view this as an insincere attempt to patch things up, a failure to acknowledge your responsibility, attempts to explain away your actions. A failure to acknowledge your understanding of the injury you caused, or any of several other omissions causes the apology to fail. Usually when an apology fails, it is because the other person remains hurt by the original offense, and feels hurt even more because it appears to them as though you were merely trying to make yourself feel better, without adequatetly addressing their needs.

On the other hand, if an apology is well recieved and forgiveness ensues, then the other person feels quite relieved, and sometimes relationships are re-born, albeit not necessarily in the same manner as before. You admitted your error, your responsibility, and the hurt you have caused. Perhaps you made reparations. In any case, the offended party now feels a release of that hurt that they were holding on to because you have finally taken responsibility for the pain you have caused.

"I forgive you (after an apology)" You have apologized, the hurt is over, and I feel compelled to forgive you. The relationship is reconciled and we are both OK again. Of course it is possible to forgive without an apology, but some people do not have this in their rule-books on how and when to forgive. Some people require the apology in order to forgive... and then once they recieve the apology then they go about their buisness at working toward forgiving the offender.

But, some people don't always express forgiveness even after an apology. Even though you have made a sincere and effective apology, some people may decide not to forgive you, or at least not to express forgiveness to you. It seems as though they would rather let you suffer, perhaps only for a few minutes, or hours, or maybe for days, weeks, and years. This is the power of the very overwheming emotion of spite. Spite can lead to inappropiate vengence if not taken into consideration carefully. You have humbled yourself and apologized, yet they decide to withhold forgiveness.

And some people make quite a different choice and decide to forgive in spite of not recieving an apology. Even though you have not offered them an apology, they decide to let go of their hurt anyway, and sometimes even decide to work at restoration in the relationship with or without giving you a preference that they would still like an apology. They forgive you and gain a serene inner peace and satisfaction. This unilateral forgiveness puts the hurt in the past, allows them to get on with their lives, and provides them with a serene and tranquil inner peace. But even after this occurs, in some cases you may still need to apologize at some time for a full resolution. I believe in such a case, you probably should still apologize to the person in response to their unilateral forgiveness, whether or not they request an apology. In response to their expression of forgiveness, you apologize to them, plain and simple and then the relationship is now OK and fully reconciled.

Of course what happens when you can tell another person is hurt and you don't know why? This unknowingness can be devestating in certain relationships. You have another person , they are offended and you are clueless and unaware of their hurt or what you have done unto them. If and or when we are able to have conversation with the individual or if and when we are able to understand the full dynamics of the situation then we begin to develop concious awareness. We become aware of their hurt. Somehow after reflection, reappraisal, or dialogue with others, we recognize the hurt we have caused, and more than likely develop the emotion of guilt. We now understand that we have transgressed the other person's sense of justice and morality. We realize that we indeed were responsible for the transgression, and when we fully accept responsibility for what we did to hurt the other individual we will then probably become remorseful as a result. It is then in this state that we feel genuinely bad about the hurt we have caused and not only begin to take responsibility for the hurtful choices we made, but eventually desire to make changes within the dynamics of the relationship. When we develop true humility along with genuine remorse we can authentically express our responsiblity and remorse and make a successful apology.

But, being aware of the hurt is not the same as full fledged empathy. It is possible for us to be aware of the fault and not feel bad about. We realize the other person feels hurt, but we either have no idea why or we feel that they shouldn't be hurt by what we had done, as though what we had done was justified. It doesn't mean that what we actually did was justified or not, it just means that in our value system the other person should not have been offended. In cases like this, I think it is probably the most beneficial if we can make a value shift to better match the values of the offended party. But what happens is that usually we understand the hurt so we apologize anyway to try to patch things up. But we later become perplexed because we don't initially feel responsible for the hurt, but it is obvious that the other person is clearly distressed. We are confused because we don't feel responsible for the hurt, yet the other person will not realease their pain. But if we later understand our role and take responsibility, we will feel that sense of remorse and then and only then can we fully resolve the dilemma and reconcile the relationship back to the state of neutrality.

LACK OF APOLOGY DOES NOT MEAN LACK OF REMORSE

As there are many reasons why we won't apologize, there are also many reasons why we won't forgive. But if we make our forgiveness contigent upon an apology what does this really say about our character? Does this not say that we are lacking the heart to adequately forgive someone with an attitude of unconditioniality? If you cannot forgive with or without the apology, then the ironic truth (which is hard for some people to stomach) is that you are still holding a grudge, and that you are still retaining that resentment. The reason why Dr. Gary Chapman in The Five Language's of Apology claims that forgiveness should not be given without an apology, is because he falsely assumes that a person who does not deliver an apology is non-apologetic in their souls. He claims that it is because God does not forgive us without apologies, and while this is true, he forgets to understand the principle that God knows our hearts, and people do not. I know that sort of sounds negative toward Gary Chapman, but I don't want to single him out for this error, I am merely trying to communicate the inaccuracy of his beliefs in regards to what I believe is a much more powerful state of being, that of unconditional forgiveness. The truth be known, we cannot know whether or not a person is apologetic, so we often times require the apology as a means toward forgiveness to confirm the truth of the matter. But as I have seen, being in an apologetic and remorseful state does not necessarily that one will act upon this state of existence. Of course if a person reaches this state they may be more likely to apologize, but only if they allow themselves to work past their hurts, fears, and insecurities.

REQUESTING FORGIVENESS

In your life you may have come accross some unusual barriers in your life. You actively desire for reconciliation with a particular person, so you apologize to them and take full responsibility, and perhaps even change your behaviour, but still feel quite dismayed because the other person is still resentful toward you. Indeed there are times when your work to gain forgiveness gets you nowhere. The person you hurt may not wish to fogive you. Even if you beg them for mercy, they may walk away feeling unmoved by your groveling before them. Some people may not forgive because they wish to be vindicated of the injustice. Other people may refuse to forgive you because what you did, in their eyes was unforgivable and too reprehensible. You may find yourself struggling beating your head against the wall. But if you are able to form a solid sense of self, however, you can choose to do what you believe is the right thing to do, whether your efforts are rewarded or not. On the one hand, if the acts of contrition make you feel weak and defenseless it may be because of the personal meaning you attach to apologies. On the other hand you may feel as though the hurt party is using your remorse against you. Sometimes we allow our hurt to lead the way, rather than to merely be a signal that things should be different. But working up toward gaining forgiveness is not an easy task. And neither is working toward forgiving someone either. To ask someone for forgiveness, you must fully believe that you are worthy of forgiveness. This is not an understatement. You must have developed an inner core that has accepted yourself for the vulnerable and fragile human being that you are, and in turn become strong, sound and solid by default. Understanding this, however, is a very minor, but yet very crucial step toward reconciliation. In other words if you assume that you have nothing redeeming to offer, or that you're too evil, you'll have no reason to try. We are all sinners, and this is true. But God had made us to be creatures with redeemable qualities. We are to utilize the talents God had given us, to overcome the challenges of our sinful nature.

We may have a sense of worthlessness that impedes us from attaining what we desire most. It is often not that we don't want to heal the hurt caused in our relationships, but rather that we feel too hurt and wounded ourselves to either apologize or forgive.

As was recently brought to my attention, when we have this pain we may try to discredit it as being unreal, or merely perceived pain. This pain is not "percieved" it is authentic and real... after all who is to say that emotional pain is not real? It is always a good idea to forgive those who apologize to us. And some people argue debatedly whether or not we should forgive without an apology. Gary Chapman believes that we should not forgive without an apology, yet personally I do not share the same belief system as he does. I believe that even though it is excruciatingly difficult to do so, the first step is becoming willing to forgive the person not only for harming you, but for also not apologizing to you. This is really more difficult than most people think and is not an instaneous process. But I believe that we do have the capability to forgive with or without an apology. Another approach we may take if we find that strategy too difficult, is to accept the harm. Accepting the harm done is a form of forgiveness, although it lies on the lesser end of the spectrum because we don't have a positive and powerful confrontation with the other person. This type of forgiveness isn't real forgiveness simply because it does not lead to reconciliation, but it does help you to internally lessen your own pain until you are ready to fully forgive. If you decide to take the tougher and ultimately more positive course, you will explain your values to the other person and seek for both of you to understand A. why the person harmed you, and B. why you were hurt by it. and C.what each of you can do to make the relationship better. This will most likely be a very difficult conversation, and can be quite complicated to even get started. But the point is to try... and try again... sometimes really changing an aspect in yourself will help the other person see you in a new frame of light. There are even some who would suggest that you tell the person you forgive them anyway, even if you don't really feel it right now, because in some (not all) cases the person becomes receptive to you, and then the feelings of forgiveness come in later. Everyone has different needs in apologies and even forgivenesses(is that even a word?) A good book to read on Apologies is On Apology by Aaron Lazare... and I also recommend The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman. But you have to realize that this takes hard work, and working through your REAL emotional pain barriers toward ultimate forgiveness, or effective apologies.

PART TWO: FORGIVING

Making the choice to forgive can be a liberating practice. One that if practiced proactively can lead to a life filled with wonderful, life-changing, profound experiences. It is imperative to remember that forgiveness is only possible because we have the ability to make choices. Just as it is a decision to apologize or not to apologize for whatever purpose, it is also a decision to forgive or not to forgive. We have the choice to forgive or not to forgive and no one can force us to do either. If we want to forgive someone no one can stop us no matter how poorly the offender may have acted. This uniquely spiritual ability to forgive can be veiwed as indicative of the control we have over our lives. It can be helpful to reflect upon and feel the respect afforded us to be able to make choices that can have such profound implications. But what exactly is forgiveness, and does it mean the same thing to everyone? Well, simply put forgiveness is different to everyone in the way it is implemented and the types of forgiveness people allow. Forgiveness is

really a process and not a singular event. Forgiveness may sometimes appear to be instaneous, but usually it is not. What is most important and beneficial about forgiveness is that it motivates us to work through the powerful feeling andthought patterns that block it. We have beliefs that warrant us for being able to forgive certain things in certain ways, and we also have beliefs that prevent us from forgiving. One of the most common beliefs is that we cannot forgive without an apology. Another is the belief that we cannot or should not forgive people for certain activities... such as murder, another common example, and another is that we cannot forgive the deceased. Now imagine a scenario where you never received an apology from someone close to you who died. They can no longer apologize to you, nor can you realistically expect an apology from them. Can you still forgive them if you really wanted to? What are your beliefs in that matter? It really does depend on how you personally define forgiveness. You don't have to suscribe to my forgive anybody for anything theory unless you really want to. After all, it is you alone who makes the choice to work either toward apologizing to someone you have offended, or to work toward forgiving someone. The choice and responsibility lies in your hand... and you do have the power. To summarize, forgiveness involves both the willingness to work through the feelings that keep us reverberating in unresolved, painful emotions that make forgiveness seem impossible, as well as a willingness to view the same landscape through different eyes.

So how then do we define forgiveness?

There is a great deal of confusion about what it means to forgive and about how to do it. I must make it absolutely clear that forgiveness is a process, and there is no time-frame.   Forgiveness is an experience of feeling peace and understanding that occurs when an injured party's suffering is reduced as they transform their grievance against an offending party. This transformation takes place through learning to take less personal offense, attribute less blame to the offender and, by greater understanding, see the personal and interpersonal harm that occurs as the natural consequence of unresolved anger and hurt. I have read that one girl (whom I do not know the name of) said... "forgiveness is the sweet scent that a flower gives when it is being crushed." But I believe that forgiveness is more than this, that forgiveness is the sweet scent a flower gives in spite of being crushed. This means that forgiveness is ultimately the ability to let go let go of toxic situations people and emotions. Forgiveness is our inate ability to release our desire for revenge and to rid ourselves of our negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment. No matter who we are, or where we live, or even who we associate with, we can always become the model of forgiveness to those around us. We can be the ones to demonstrate that we want to be forgiven, by being able to forgive. Even if you are reaching your prime of life, and even if you are ready to meet your maker forgiveness is still an extremely valuable skill to learn. I do not believe that it is ever too late to forgive... if you believe so, it is only because you are choosing to believe it. So release that pain, and forgive.

There's a wonderful definition of forgiveness: that to forgive is to give up all hope for a better past. If you are locked in regret over the past, you have less available to your life now. The other problem is that if you don't forgive, then you are in some ways prejudging your future - that you are on guard and defended and helpless, that there's a residual bitterness that influences your capacity for happiness because you haven't resolved something from your past. Forgiveness allows you a fresh start, whether it's a big insult or a small one. It's like a rain coming to a polluted environment. It clears things. At some point, you can say that this awful thing happened to me. It hurt like hell, yet I'm not going to allow it to take over my life. That's the choice that's always available. When you're with someone who's had tragedy, you offer that choice, although you don't tell them to take it. Without it, they can get stuck in bitterness and sometimes even revenge. That's the cost of not forgiving. When you meet people who have forgiven, you see their power. You see the strength and courage it takes to forgive in a world dominated by "an eye for an eye."

Ye have heard that it hath been said, "An I for an I, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you "That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also." (Matt 5:38-39)

I whole-heartedly believe and suggest that forgiveness is good for you. I can look to people who have forgiven and see how they've healed, and I can teach you to forgive, but it's still your decision and your life. I can empathize with people who say they don't want to forgive, because there have been times in my life when I did not forgive. This is a huge, human question. While the benefits of full grace seem to outweigh the consequences of unforgivness, it seems questionable as to whether or not there may be times when it is necessary not to forgive. But these are in my opinion, just that questionable circumstances. The answer of course should be obvious, but we are so keen to easily decieve ourselves from even the remotest possibility of doing the right thing.

And be ye kind one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another even as God for Christ sake hath forgiven you. (Eph. 4:32)

What exactly is it that prevents us from moving past our pain in these cases? Is it because we haven't had the opportunity yet to really learn how to forgive? Or is it because we are stuck in our pain? Or is it that we like to see the other person suffer? I believe it is sometimes a combination of all of the above.

Why do people need to learn how to forgive?...

Most typical mainstream religious and psychological research shows that education and forgiveness helps people in almost every way it's measured, irregardless of their personal creed, doctrine, or religious affiliations. No matter what the walk of life, it seems that the heart of apologies and forgiveness are amongst them in some way, or at least so desired to be. There may be a poor man hoping for forgiveness in much the same manner that there may be a rich man hoping for forgiveness. This aspect of apology or forgiveness is not subject to any particular faith group, any particular social creed, any particular social status. Even national governments sometimes have need to apologize to other governments, or even the citizens of that nation. Citizens collectively have the right to reject or accept governmental retributions in the same manner that the individual has the right to reject, refut, or forgive. But it appears that in modern research it shows that those who have the power to forgive become less angry, more hopeful, calmer and more self-confident - it frees them in a way they would have never anticipated before the forgiveness state of mind. Some research it appears has shown that training in forgiveness can help physical well-being as well. Our bodies neuro-chemically respond to our emotional states, and these emotional states can have direct impact upon our state of health. There seems to be a direct co-relation between stress, and ulcer. Many scientists believe that the rate of the disease of cancer spreading is also related to neurological impulses in connection with the individual patient's emotional state. The negative physical responses when you're frustrated or angry are meant to exist for a short period only. Your body has exquisitely designed mechanisms to alert us to danger and to give us energy to get out. After that short period, it's wearing on your body. Without the skills to turn it off, you store that piece of anger - and then the next one, and the next one, and the next one (catch my drift?.) Each one of those is corroding your body's finely tuned balance. It can wear out your nervous system because it simply violates the way God designed us to operate. In the short term, anger makes people more at risk for heart attacks, for chest pain, for immune dysfunction. Such negative emotional states may also be attributed to the rate of already previously infected people. Some evidence seems to point out that those who pray and are hopeful of a healthy recovery are more likely to heal faster, than those who believe otherwise. People who experience anger too much often forget that life is still beautiful and joyful. Being angry is not what is really wrong, however... it is the retainment of that anger, that keeps us from having the type of relationship with another particular person that we truly desire. This robs us of an ability to slow down enough to appreciate ALL of our relationships, to give thanks to God for the painful process he has given to us to show us what is wrong, and to give thanks to God for also showing us a way out.

Can you forgive without an apology (re-examined)?

There's clear evidence that if people apologize, it's easier to forgive. Forgiveness, though, is not limited by that. You can forgive even if the person utters no conciliatory words and suffers no consequence, because forgiveness is always for you. You forgive by remembering what happened and you commit yourself to it never happening again. Or, you can remember it and say, "I'm not going to suffer any more. I'm going to bring some goodness to the people in my life." It's an active quality. It has nothing to do with forgetting. And it's a very powerful statement. After all forgiveness is about healing. In every relationship we have to decipher, often not-so-easily, the distinction between justice, reconciliation, condoning and forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean you condone the action. It doesn't mean you have to reconcile with or like the person who did it. Forgiveness doesn't always mean you don't seek justice. Vengence is one thing, justice another. But, forgiveness means that you don't take what happened as just personal, that you see it as a part of the bigger, ongoing human experience of hurt, resolution, conflict and negotiation.

Can you incorporate forgiveness into your daily life?

The easy answer to this question is, yes. In my personal belief system not only can you, but you should. Forgiveness can start small. Practice on the smallest things in your life: The next time you get mad at anybody for a triviality, practice forgiving them. Make it a conscious choice to let it go and notice how good it feels. And ask yourself this question when you're mad at somebody, "Is it worth it to me right now to suffer?" If you're confused and uncertain about it, ask someone who's practiced forgiveness. They'll give you a glowing report about its value in their life. Don't just take my word for it, try forgiveness out for yourself. Part of forgiveness is that you stop blaming. You say, "OK, this terrible thing happened and now it's my responsibility to move forward as best I can. I give myself a better chance of moving forward if I forgive what happened." It's this quality of being able to move on with some openness and trust that's the essential aspect of forgiveness. Continually blaming someone for your suffering gives them enormous power over you. Forgiveness means you take back your power. You literally say, "My life is mine." Give very little power over you to people who are cruel. It seems like a foolish waste of this very short life we have.

WITH-HOLDING  FORGIVENESS

While apologies may help aid theforgiving  process sometimes, they can also deter the process, because there is no magic saying, or magic act that one can do to gain another's forgiveness.  Sometimes we either are unaware of the emotional, and psychological pain we are causing in the other person when we do not forgive.  With-holding forgiveness does sometimes hurt the pther person, however, we are mostly unaware that with-holding forgiveness really ultimately hurts ourselves.  Forgiveness should eventually lead us to an active state where we reach out in love and compassion to the other person.  There is no need for an apology, in order to treat someone with genuine compassion and love.  Forgiveness is not only through the spoken or written words, but in all actuality forgiviness resides also in thought, feeling and action.  Some religious teachers teach that with-holding forgiveness is necessary to "teach the subject not to take things so lightly."  However, the real truth is that this is wrong.  It is important to remember that lack of forgiveness is giving others power over you.  Withholding forgiveness and nursing resentment simply allow another person to have control over your well-being. It is always a mistake to let such negative emotions influence your living. Forgive, and you will be able to direct your life in positive thoughts and actions. When you can't forgive someone, there can be a ripple effect which negatively infects your family and friends.  An unforgiving and bitter person who has not let go of animosities can poison and corrupt not only the souls of others, but ultimately their own souls.

But I am aware that it is easier said than doneto forgive sometimes so now I am going to share with you how to remove the...

BARRIERS TOWARD FORGIVENESS

RESENTMENT

"How does anger occur? What makes it raise its ugly head? Does it come from a slur? From words someone said? No, I think it does not. It is not the words. It’s our need. Our pride makes us hot. It’s our worth, we heed. Silly as this may seem. Anger won’t accomplish a thing. It’s healthier to dream. Pain comes from huffing? Our minds can’t identify. Reality of others is too complex. Only our realism can fly. When we judge, we hex. Judgment is beyond us. Our harsh words, they only hurt. Headaches cause a cuss. And ‘all’ feel out of sort. Anger is so like a yawn. Express it and it appears catching. Believe me, this is no con. Rage is not at all fetching. And so I say to everyone. Don’t hold our selves in high regard. Laughter is much more fun. No need to be on guard. Carry around a special joke. Or keep with you a funny picture. Then give yourself a poke. Read or look, don’t lecture. Laughter makes us better. Mirth, it, too, seems to be catching. Nothing seems to matter. And it is more relaxing." --Patricia M. Eichler

Sometimes when we want to forgive someone we may face some quite strange and heart-wrenching barriers. Bear in mind that these are often the same barriers that the truly apologetic person is trying to break through. The most common barrier toward forgiving someone it seems to me is resentment. But what exactly is resentment? Resentment, is the harboring of animosity against a person or group of people whom one feels has mistreated them. Resentment is in close connection with the emotion of hurt, the unresolved anger we have over a negative event which occurred in our past. It is often a deep, seething, aching emotional turmoil we feel whenever a certain person or event is discussed. If such a person has hurt us previously, we may hold on to this pain of the past bearing a total inability to forgive, the inability to let go and forget. This emotion of resentfulness creates in us a root of distrust and suspicion, especially when dealing with particular people or similar events that brought me pain in the past. We begin to experience a complete unresolved sensation of grief, and this sensation can also sometimes be a result of being heartbroken after exerting a great deal of effort and energy to achieve something that eventually was lost to us. Our resentfulness is a result of feeling unjustly victimized as though there is no resolution to the problem, or no resolution preferable to us. We experience long-term suffering, sometimes in silence when an open expression of hurt is unwanted and uninvited. It is like a cancer robbing us of pure contentment in life. This grudge is one we hold against a person or group of people whom we feel has kept us from achieving what we desired. They have offended us, and now we feel justified to hold on to this offense. We might also believe that this person or group of people have ignored or denied our rights, the rights that are in connection with our personal values system. We may recognize this pain, but yet not be ready to remove such a pain... we may have a condition that needs met before we can remove this pain and forgive... or we may become comfortable in the pain. The condition I spoke of earlier of forgiveness being dependent upon the apology is one such barrier that is harbored closely with being attached to a state of resentment. But once we are aware that we are resentful, and have eventually become aware that we can forgive anyone for anything with or without an apology, how do we do it? How do we remove the barrier of resentment? Here are some of the customary methods I have learned. Although I do not claim to know everything, I'd like to share with you some of the same principles that have helped me at times in my life. But please bear in mind that these are not necessarily easy tasks to undertake. The first step is what could be called for a lack of better terminology, sobriety. This is being completely concious and aware of how we feel and why we feel that way. We move past the denial stage and actually acknowledge that we are upset and hurt, not to the other person anymore... we no longer need to do that, but we have to be aware of our pain. You cannot move a thorn from your finger unless you acknowledge that there is such a thorn. This is acknowledging the fact that you have a "beam" or "mote" in your eye. You have to remove your own hurt, so that you can see clearly how to remove the hurt of another. As we grow in our concious awareness about our emotional pain we are less interested in harboring resentments, and ultimately they follow a natural order of elimination unless we choose to recapture them. Next after we become aware we must take the time to reflect. If we are aware of our resentment, and if we wish to get rid of it, we are wise to think about it. And once we reflect we can then decide what is the best course of action. Sometimes we forgive too readily. Don't get me wrong here, I know the Bible teaches to forgive those who tresspass against us. What I mean, is that we forgive before we are ready and therefore do not fully forgive. Yet, after some reflection, and some understanding we are able to move toward the forgiveness stage. We are able to question the nature of the situation more and come up, eventually, with more beneficial answers. We are able then to question, are we making a bigger deal out of this than necessary? Is it really to our benefit to be carrying this resentment for this long? Should it be as big of a resentment as we are making it out to be? What should be its ranking among the other justified resentments we already have? Will its insertion into our resentment inventory mean we should discard a resentment of lesser injury? How long should we carry this resentment? Does it justify vengeance? Are we willing to suffer loss of friendship, destruction of property, expense, arrest, or social disfavor as a consequence of being judge, jury and executioner? Or would it be nicer to simply be rid of the resentment?

Forgiveness in spite of resentment.....

Yes, it is possible to be rid of residual resentments through forgiveness. Sometimes in some cases the person you are forgiving does not need to know that you resented them for a time. In other cases they may be fully aware of your resentment. But if you are able to do so... a grudge nurtured in secret is much sweeter anyway than an attidue of deliberate spitefulness. Sometimes you may need to keep your heart of forgivness private, especially in cases where someone may be harmed through your attitude of forgiveness. In most cases, however, unless the person whom you resent has asked for your forgiveness, or if you are absolutely certain that they will cherish your forgiveness, you should keep your forgiving private. It can be a gross form of arrogance to approach another person in order to tell them that they are forgiven. In some cases they may be hurt by the arrogant attitude you betray, rather than appeased that you have offered forgiveness, forgiveness they did not request. Yet after you have forgiven them, with or without an apology you reach a state of finality. Once you have forgiven another person, the act should be final, and your heart probably feels at rest. It need never be repeated, nor should you permit the resentment to recur.

Another common barrier is that of sadness and hurt. I'd like to continually remind you, that every feeling that a person who is holding a grudge may also be similar in nature to the feelings of those who are seeking restoratation through an eventual apologetic spirit. It is no different with that basic and brief feeling of bitterness, sadness or a hurting and aching soul. If we want recovery from the pain we must seek to heal our relationship by releasing that hurt we feel, which can only be done ultimately when we have fully forgiven. When we are hurt emotionally we have an inner capability to take these hurts and supress them inward, ironically believing these defense mechanisms to be healing components, when in fact they prove otherwise. We have decieved the very nature of our existence by choosing to continue the pain in our soul. The defenses we put up, "on-guard" to supposedly protect us from further harm, in the end may actually do more damage to our own spirits, and to the relationship in question. The emotional pain we have is caused directly and primarily from the precise interpretation that we have chosen to believe about our environment, the other person, the situation, and even ourselves. Unfortunately, too many people interpret these as being the same thing. These are all integreated, but in totality the feelings we place upon that, are the very feelings we have chosen to accept.

It is a natural tendency to react or overact at various times in our lives. It is also a natural tendency to behave inhumanly. Yet, even though these may be natural, they also exemplify to those who live more empowered lives a status that seems unnatural to them. We accept a state of grief for a long period of time, and it may be necessary to grieve, but only if we are eventually able to heal that grievances. Grief is something that everyone will experience at one time or another in their lifetime. When our close relationships become fractured or broken, even within the home, most of us are unprepared in how to handle it. There is alot to learn about grief and hurt. Sometimes we don't allow ourselves to grief. We hold it in, or supress it, or even indulge in it. Eventually we may come to realize that each of these aspects negatively affect us for all long, perhaps even for the rest of our lives. Sometimes we wallow in our grief, which can lead to self-pity, which really gives us the opposite result of that which we seek, and we seem as though we are incapable to adjust to the unwantes circumstances in our life. Although the grieving process is different for each individual, it may be imperitive that our grief be fully worked through before we adequately make adjustments to our lives and relationships. Without working the process entirely, we may become stuck, and never escape through the other side of it, in order to get on with the rest of our lives. Life does go on. Relationships can be mended, or rebuilt. And eventually we will be able to live life to the fullest when all is said and done.

The grieving feelings we feel, can be complicated to undergo, and the length of time, and ability to cope with the grief may be handled differently by different people. These feelings range from sadness to despair, and are often blocked by our fears, insecurites, false assumptions, and innacurate ideoloiges. They are typical necceassary evils. They are only necessary in the sense that they may eventually lead us to a more beneficial outcome once we have fully gone through the process. Of course these "evils" are painful to let in and to feel, but not to indulge in.

Some people know whether or not they are grieving. Others may just sense a sense of total uneasiness, and difficulty at coping with life. Allowing ourselves to grieve, doesn't mean that we don''t or can't eventually reach a better lifestyle of peace and serenity. Eventually, however, we need to begin to withdraw our grieving. We cannot even be reconciled to ourselves, or to others until our own grief of the loss is completed. in other words, if you are having difficulty relating to someone you once were close to, you really cannot expect full restoration while you are still in the grieving process. Sometimes we may not be able to seek a reconciled relationship, in which we must be able to heal our hurts with the power of Christ, and then we can be ready to release that pain. Releasing the pain, is of course, the primary step toward a better life. This may take time, as we must fully realize that we must first accept what had happened in order to forgive it.

 GUILT

A pastor friend of mine heard about this research I was doing.  I explained to him, that even though I am doing this research that I am not perfect, and that I have a few relationships that have become broken.  He was not suprised, but I was suprised that he nodded and said "yes, it is the same for me."  So I asked him what was on his mind, and he said that he was preparing a sermon on guilt.  I realized conceptually that guilt is often a blockage in our quest toward forgiveness.  Sometimes we even feel guilty about our incapability to forgive.  Guilt ensares us in its cage of lies and pride as we defend our self-centered minds. 

Guilt is one of the worst experiences known to humans. It ties us up in knots and makes us feel unworthy and miserable. When you have guilt, you reinforce the feelings of being not okay. You lose your confidence and self-respect. You feel undeserving and you hold yourself back.  The key to releasing guilt is to recognize that we all go through life doing the very best we can with the extremely limited skills and awareness that we have at the time. Unfortunately, the awareness that we have is seldom enough. As a result we make mistakes. Sometimes we make big ones. Making mistakes is part of the human process. This is how we learn. Every time you make a mistake you learn a little more about life. You then become wiser and more aware.

Five years from now you will be much wiser than you are today, but the wisdom you will have five years from now doesn't do you any good today. This is true because today, you don't have it.

Likewise the wisdom that you have today didn't do you any good back when you made your mistake. This is true because back then, you didn't know what you know today. You only knew what you knew

Guilt is the cause of more disorders than history's most obscene marorders  --e.e. cummings

DEPRESSION

Until I discovered this through my own life, and troubles with forgiving myself and my friends, and my ex, I didn't really understand that depression could be an obstacle to apologizing properly or even forgiving myself properly.  I'm not saying that depression is the cause of the lack of an apology, but being in a depressive state of existence does not help one see things clearly.  When we are not conciously aware of our real life circumstances, and just continually dismayed and upset through prolonged depressive episodes.  There seems to be little proper information about depression that actually helps people with this terrible debilitating deep emotional struggle.  Even people who have had "clinical" depression for very many years have been reportedly known to escape the depression and to live more productive and useful lives.  However the changes they make are pretty well under-studied with any definitive understanding of their circumstances.  Was it the therapy?  Was it a personal change?  If it was really the medication, why do people quit the medication and change their lifestyle?   In short, it may be that their mental attitudes change.  Perhaps they have a spiritual awakening.  Or another theory is that they have fully finally expressed the emotional struggle completely and are no longer attached to the emotional state of depression.  They fought it.  They felt it through.  They succumbed to it.  Nonetheless years later  they feel better, and calmer, and wiser.  I have found a lot of articles on depression and a lot of information about depression through my own depressive existence.  But through my own experience I've come to realize that ironic to some assumption, the thought processes of a depressed person are not typically condusive to a proper lifestyle change or proper apology.  A person may genuinely wish to reconcile, or may genuinely want to change, but their heart is in a depressed stance and they are unable to think very rationally.  In this condition they are not able to fully understand the circumstances which depresses them, and they are not thinking or feeling very emotionally stable.  Unfortunately only an emotionally stable person is capable of producing  life-affirming apologies.  Also an emotionaly stable person is willing and capable of accepting the rejection of their apologies.  It seems to me, that when we are emotionally sound things happen better, and when we are emotionally unstable things work out terribly.  I have ADHD with crippling "bi-polar" tendencies.  I lived my life much better without medication, and had a relatively successful relationship for four years.  But my mania ensued at the worst possible times.  But I need to tell you, that I am not always mentally unstable.  The Lord has graced me with the capability of learning how to handle my emotions.  Sometimes it has taken me time.  Nonetheless I believe with the Lord's help that we can just about overcome anything... including our mental illness episodes. 

When I say mental illness, this may be somewhat of a misnomer.  This does not mean that simply because you experience depression for any length of time that you are abnormal or "ill".  The diagnosis of the profressionals is merely there in order for them to be able to prescribe medication.  Without the ability to classify depression as an illness, they cannot garner wages from insurance companies.  This is not to say that you may not need medication if you are depressed.  But what I am saying is that depression is treatable in different people in different ways.  Some people have better self-coping mechanisms than others.  Since I have experienced depression first hand, I know what it feels like.

STEPS TOWARD GAINING FORGIVENESS SIMPLIFIED

"No one who conceals transgressions will prosper,
but one who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy." Proverbs 28:13

I've already discussed a great deal about the nature of apologies and the nature of forgiveness, but there seems to be something missing. The connection between the apology and the steps toward gaining forgiveness seem to be confused as being the same thing. But I believe that it is more than this, that the apology is merely an aid that we utilize during the process of taking those steps toward gaining someone's forgiveness. The apology is a necessary component, and is utilized of course. But during our quest for forgiveness there are certain steps we can take to provide us an atmosphere more conducive to forgiveness in the relationship. Basically I have already discussed these, but I figure that I would write it a little more simplistically if you have had difficulty understanding what is going on. Basically there are three phases, and they are 1. Acknowledgement of the Offence., 2. Making Amends, and 3. Committing to change. These may or may not be proceeded in order by the individual, but these are the usual process one would follow in order to gain forgiveness. But, simply because one tries these does not necessarily mean he or she will be forgiven. Sometimes we may shift back and forth between them, hoping that we are in the right phase, but the eventual process leaves us with being consistent with all three phases throughly and accurately.

Of course, failing to realize that we are guilty, is just as detrimental as not releasing that guilt.  The reason why we sabatog ourselves in feelings of guilt is simple: we do not understand the true message of the pains associated with a guilty concience.  Sometimes we need to go on suffering one consequence of sin a little longer in order to recover from a different consequence of sin. One pain may be medicine for the other. We forget to release our suffering to God.  We forget to allow Christ to have 

Let us look at each of these phases individually...

PHASE ONE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE OFFENSE

In this part of the process we become alert, fully aware, "sober" so to speak, we know that we had violated the values of the other individual. We are now able to accurately clarify why a certain behavior we had preformed was hurtful to the other person. Without understanding the harmful effects of our behaviors, it will be difficult to change. We must therefore attempt to understand the hurt or pain from the point of view of those who have been hurt, and try to understand the harmful effect on ourselves. Now we can acknowledge to ourselves and others that the behavior was a mistake. Being able to acknowledge the mistake verbally is an important first step if the relationship is to be healed. And finally in this part of the process it will more than likely be necessary to also express genuine sorrow to all those involved for the mistake we have made. When we understand the harmful effects of our behaviors, and can express that with true feelings of sorrow, we are then able to open up possibilities for change and for healing.

PHASE TWO

MAKING AMENDS

In this part of the process, we begin to act out of a deep sense of honoring ourselves and the other party involved. We no longer cater to defensiveness. We also realize that it can be courageous to face up to the harm we have done. And we take the first step toward healing by being generous and proactive in our attempts to reconcile. We may have need to remove the hurt, by asking the offended party what we can do that is equally positive to balance the negative. This is ultimately only symbolic, since we cannot undo past harm. But it is a critical sign of goodwill and true remorse. And hopefully we are able to make amends in a timely manner, or at least as quickly as the offended party may allow.

PHASE THREE

COMMIT TO CHANGE

We may have difficulty with our new found apology, but in order for it to be most beneficial we probably should make an effort to actually change in our character, whether we are forgiven or not. We must make a clear commitment to change our harmful patterns of behavior. This may involve clarifying what kinds of events trigger our destructive responses, and finding ways to avoid such situations or training yourself to respond differently in the present and future. This will probably not be an instaneous process, but the point is to be working completely on becoming a better person as best as possible. I did not say perfect, I said better. We will probably never reach perfection, but we can always reach better. If you reach this stage you are now able to act visibly on your commitment. Change involves not only words, but actions... you may need to take the time to figure out precisely what positive course of action you need to take in your situation. Once you are able to "evolve" into a gentler, kinder, warm-hearted, apolgetic and forgiving person yourself you may need to understand you dire need to respect this process of change. Acknowledge to yourself and others that it is hard to change, and that behaviors deeply imbedded do not disappear quickly. Don't condemn yourself for slipping, and don't condone your old ways or trivialize their harmfulness. Rather, accept the actual without losing sight of the ideal.

We never deserve forgiveness, but we do hope that we can earn it, somehow, sometime, some way. Everyone owns their right to forgive or not to forgive. Therefore obtaining forgiveness is not as easy as some people would hope it would be. If we are going to be honest about seeking forgiveness, we should be able to be honest about how difficult it may be, if we do not know the proper phases to align our true spirits with. Obtaining forgiveness often times involves much internal pain, anguish, struggle, and systematic change. To achieve success in the shortest possible time, certain basic "steps" must be completed as quickly as possible. Seeking forgiveness is society’s requirement for relationship, trust, and credibility restoration. After We have acknoweldged the heart of the situation in full conext to ourselves then we are able to show forth outward recognition, through a promptly verbalized direct acknowledgement, that a problem exists and that we wish whole-heartedly that something will be done to remediate the situation, and that we are willing to carry that effort out. Next we invoke the nature of the apology, which may be best in some cases to be verbalized rather than written. This is ultimately a statement of personal regret, remorse, and sorrow, acknowledging personal responsibility for having injured, insulted, failed or wronged another, humbly asking for forgiveness in exchange for more appropriate future behavior and to make amends in return. I know I am sounding a bit reduntant here in my writing, but the reason I do so, is because I want you to have a clear understanding of all of the processes involved in the apology and forgiveness processes. During the apology we may need to deliver an explanation, but we should be careful not to utilize this explanation as a form of justification for our wrongs. What we do here is simply, promptly and briefly explain why the problem occurred and the known underlying reasons or behaviors that led to the situation even if we have limited knowledge. After we do this we can completely affirm the full dynamics of what had ensued previously and what we wish to occur both in the present and in the future. We are able to talk about what we’ve learned from the situation and how it will influence our future behavior. We unconditionally commit to regularly report additional information until it is all out or until no more interest in the injury remains. We can make a commitment and discuss specific, positive steps to be taken to conclusively address the issues and resolve the situation. Although some people may interpret this continuing verbalization of regret, empathy, sympathy, or even embarrassment as a weak character trait, it is in effect a strong one, because only through this are we able to make the changes that we know we must. We are able to move foreward and to take appropriate responsibility for having allowed the situation to occur in the first place, whether on purpose, by omission, accident, or negligence. We may also publicly promise that to the best of our ability situations like this will never occur again. And if this is done out of a pure heart we able to make restitution and go beyond the victim's expectations, and do more than what would normally be required under normal circumstances to remediate the problem. When we can genuinely love the person, whether or not they forgive us, we can grow more and more humble in our approaches toward regaining relations with them, and hopefully they will eventually decide to forgive us, once they notice the real sincerity within our hearts.

BUT WHAT IF THEY DON'T FORGIVE US?

It can be a painful experience to apologize and to not be forgiven. I myself have fallen privy to depression as a result of this. Of course not all people get depressed when others won't forgive them, nonetheless some of us do. It took me time to realize that I cannot control other people's hearts, but that I could control my heart. Sometimes, it takes time to deal with the consequences of someone continuing to harbor pains and hurts against you after you try to do everything in your power to set things straight. Ultimately, it’s important to remember that there is a difference between asking for forgiveness and DEMANDING forgiveness. When we demand forgiveness, we tend to forget the nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice the offended party is supposed to make of their own accord. Demanding forgiveness takes away the sincerity of asking for it. Remember not to treat forgiveness lightly. It is something to be cherished and appreciated. The act of forgiveness is hard on both ends – for the person who’s asking and for the person who’s accepting.

Why do most people avoid forgiveness?

First, most people are not usually taught how to forgive. I find that many forgiveness experts agree that we would forgive more if we only knew how and that to experience the true benefits of forgiveness involves doing the inner work necessary to release on all levels, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and planetary or universal.

Second, I believe that we avoid Forgiveness because we somehow got the mistaken idea that forgiveness means we condone or agree with the actions of others! This simply isn't true! Your inner processes lend you the opportunity to become clear about what you would have preferred, so you can clearly see how your values and ethics differ from the choices of others or your choices from your past.

My stance is that to forgive involves your willingness to hold certain attitudes for your health and well-being. It is a life enhancing process which allows you to release fear, doubt, anger, guilt, selfishness, resentment or disharmony and truly move forward to create peace within yourself and your world. Forgiveness requires a commitment to take responsibility for your choices and allow others to take responsibility for theirs. Some start with forgiving others before they are ready to dive deeper into their own guilt and mistakes. Some choose to start with forgiving their self first to gain a deeper level of compassion before they are ready to release the insane hold that perpetrators or abusers have over their lives.

APOLOGIZING AND FORGIVENESS

REPENTENCE BEFORE GOD AND FORGIVENESS OF SELF

Who hasn't done something they're not real proud of? Who hasn't done something they wish they hadn't done? Who hasn't done something they wish they'd done differently? Who hasn't not done something they wish they'd done? Pretty much includes us all, doesn't it? Some of these sins are contextual, and the guilt we feel is inward and may or may not pertain to any particular faith. God is always pleading with us to repent and to make peace when and where possible, no matter the difficulty. This includes internally, as well as externally. But repentence is not just being sorry. In the spirituual realm if we don't repent we will be lost (in a sea of negative emotions.) In other words, we feel "bad" about what we did or didn't do. But guilt is one of the most destructive emotions you can experience. Absolutely nothing good comes from it. Guilt can cause all sorts of mental, physical and emotional troubles. But that's not all...With guilt comes the often unconscious feeling we should be
punished. More often than not, we inflict that punishment upon
ourselves in the form of self-condemnation. Self-condemnation is nothing more than self-flagellation. In other words...we "beat-up" on ourselves. Our minds and hearts are far from the right attitude to turn things around in this state. And... the ironic thing is that somehow we feel that if we beat-up on ourselves hard enough
and long enough, we'll "atone" for our sin and feel better
about it. Unfortunately or fortunately nothing could be further from the truth. Instead of feeling better, we feel worse, not only about what we did or didn't do, but also about ourselves. And...
by dwelling upon what we did "wrong", in accordance with the
laws of the Universe, we practically guarantee we'll do it
again, thus starting the cycle all over. Even if we never do it, ask yourself is it really worthwhile to hold onto this feeling of self-depreciation. But... What should you do if you've "sinned"? What should you do if you've done something you're not real proud of?What should you do if you've done something you wish you hadn't done? What should you do if you've done something you wish you'd done differently? What should you do if you didn't do something you wish you'd done? And... How do you prevent or get rid of guilt and the resulting self-condemnation? In a word... Forgiveness. You need to feel you've been forgiven! In a Vegie Tale episode I watched recently there was a salesman selling a device called a "forgive-o-matic." The theory was that if you buy this device then every time you sinned all you had to do was turn it on and God would forgive you. But a character called Junior came up and said that he knew plenty of people who were forgiven without every buying such a device. He said all we had to do was ask God for forgiveness. Now, I've struggled with that issue myself, because I have asked God for forgiveness and not "felt" it. The problem was that I was truly wanting to hold onto my hurt. How do we get to that point of emotional certainty and complete self-forgiveness? Think about it, if you cannot forgive yourself, why would you honestly expect anyone else to? Just above I mentioned that we need to feel forgiven. Now, for most of us, that's a lot easier said than done. How can you be forgiven, *really* forgiven for your "sins" all of them? Even when others won't forgive you? How can you allow yourself to forgive yourself? God sais the way to think about forgiveness of your own sins is to "Go" and sin no-more. "Go" and sin no more. The proper attitude for the sinner is summed up in the
command, 'Go, and sin no more.' Don't stand still and sin no
more; go. All your sins are forgiven, if you will only do
something. Go. Go where? Go back into your life. Do not be like a clock that has run down. Go. There is only one atonement for sin; and that is to get busy. Go. Do not think about your sin, nor speak of it, nor pray over it, nor agonize about it; go, and the harder you go the more likely it is that you will sin no more. When we cannot forgive ourselves we are teaching others that we are unworthy of forgivness (conceptually.) But true forgiveness requires not only that feeling I mention, but an active spirit that is sinning no more. I read an article that states that the Bible does not teach about sel-forgiveness, but this is a fabrication. The truth is the Bible says a lot about self-forgiveness. Consider the following passages... "Love one another, as thou lovest thyself." How can you be loving to yourself, without forgiving yourself? It makes no sense. Now, I'm not speaking of a self-righteous attitude, but Christ gives us a command to "forgive men their tresspasses, even as God hath forgiven you." Who are them men? If God has forgiven us how can we honestly exemplify a godly attitude without doing the same as God would do? In other words how can we with-hold self-forgiveness without acting contrary to what God would have done? Supposedly from James Dobson's point of view, self-forgiveness is a humanistic principle. I disagree. God teaches that we love ourselves, that we forgive our faults and move on. Otherwise we harbor our injustice and never move foreward. I seriously doubt that Dr. Dobson has never forgiven himself. Those who do not forgive themselves remain in a state of despondency. Satan wants you to believe the lie that you cannot forgive yourself. You can and you should, because Gods forgives you. Now I am not talking about pride. Pride is a seperate matter. Dobson seems to believe that self-forgiveness is a nature of an arrogant attitude. Unfortunately he did not listen to Christ when Christ said "Go and sin no more." This active spirit actually requires us to forgive ourselves, because we cannot move foreward until we have done so. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). Why should do anything contrary to what God would do?

"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive your sins." (Mark 11:25)

Sometimes it can be difficult to forgive ourselves. I think more people have a lack of forgiveness toward themselves than they do toward anyone else. They are unwilling to forgive themselves and to recognize that God says "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgression from us. (Psalm 103:12) We are supposed to forgive ALL who tresspass against us, and this even includes forgiveing ourselves!

God commands us to repent? But what is repentence? Repentence is an attitude of expectancy that we will live a blameless life. Sure we have sinned, but God is faithful and just to forgive us.

To forgive yourself does not mean that you should forget what you did or said that might have injured another or caused yourself distress. To forgive yourself doesn't mean you aren't responsible for what you did or said. To forgive yourself simply means you realize that you might have done something differently. Forgiving yourself means you recognize that you didn't know how to do something differently and realize you have learned by your mistake. As someone once said, experience is what we get right after we need it. To forgive yourself means you are finally willing to accept yourself just as you were at the time you made the mistake you've been holding over your head.

To not forgive yourself means you continue to hold onto guilt and pain and demand the impossible -- that you be someone other than yourself, other than who you were when you hadn't yet learned the lesson you gained from your mistake. You can begin to forgive yourself by realizing that when you made the mistake(s) for which you now criticize yourself you did not wake up in the morning and deliberately set out to mess up your life or to harm someone else. If you had known how to make better choices, you would have. Or at least you now know that you may have known how, but acted contrary to your knowledge. Forgiveness for oneself seems to be so much harder than forgiving others. think the solution to this problem is to realize that life is a learning process and your value as a person is not measured in your successes or failures, but rather in the mere fact that you were put on this earth in the first place. You have a reason for being here! Making mistakes is what helps us to grow emotionally and spiritually. The bible is chalked full of people that God used for his works who were murders,liers, thieves, and prostitutes. That makes it pretty obvious that God doesn't measure our worth from our actions, so what gives us the right to? The bottom line is you need to learn from your mistakes. Then and only then can you really accomplish what you were meant to. Don't get me wrong here. Forgiving one's self can be as difficult or even more difficult that forgiving others. Forgiving one's self is the biggest problem i live with. I suppose if were just *me* that I hurt it might be easier, but when others are involved, it's been nearly impossible for me to FORGIVE MYSELF. There is nothing God won't forgive us for.
If Jesus sees the good in us and forgives us, shall we walk about calling him a lier by not forgiving ourself? We can find that His love fills us, even to the point we can learn to forgive ourself.

I recently read an article by Standford professors on self-forgiveness. One stated that "self-forgiveness is imposible." Could you imagine what life would truly be like if you always held this belief? Do you ask yourself, "How can I forgive myself for hurting others and being manipulative?" Spiritual counselor Gary Zukav explains that forgiveness is something you decide to do for yourself. He says " When You Don't Forgive…
…It's like wearing dark sunglasses that distort everything you see. You also want everyone else to see through these glasses. Forgiveness is taking those glasses off. Not forgiving is like carrying heavy suitcases full of books through an airport. Forgiving is putting the suitcases down and walking away without them. It is lightening up. It is being able to enjoy your life, laugh again, and see the beauty in others. When you cannot forgive yourself, you cannot forgive others. When you cannot forgive others, you cannot forgive yourself. The dynamic of forgiveness is the same in both cases. When You Forgive…
…You lighten your load. Not forgiving is like wearing dark sunglasses that gruesomely distort all that you see, and you want others to see through the same glasses. When you forgive, it is like leaving behind a heavy weight. Imagine that you are trying to walk through an airport while carrying a heavy suitcase in each hand with another strapped over your shoulder and another on your back like a backpack. It is difficult and painful work to go anywhere. Forgiving is putting down all of your baggage and leaving it behind. You travel lightly. It has nothing to do with worthiness—yours or others'. You and they are both worthy. That is not the issue. The issue is whether you wish to continue to carry your baggage."

Life is full of choices and every choice we make will either take us in a positive, life-giving direction or rob us of the opportunity to be a life-giving individual. Forgiving ourselves does not let us off the hook, it does not justify what we have done, and it is not a sign of weakness. Forgiveness is a choice that takes courage and strength, and it gives us the opportunity to become an overcomer rather than remaining a victim of our own scorn.

I believe that if you do not forgive yourself of past sins, that that is a form of pride. Whenever we enact a different set of rules, a higher set of standards for ourself over others, that is pride. When we can find it within ourself to forgive others, but not ourselves, we are saying that we are less capable of making a poor decision than others. We are somehow more intuitive, wiser, more insightful, more careful than others, and therefore, we are without excuse and should not forgive ourselves. When we reject the forgiveness extended to us by God and others, when we refuse to forgive ourselves, what we are doing is setting ourselves above others and that is pride! Proverbs 16:18 says, "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." Unforgiveness of oneself will bring self-destruction, a haughty spirit, and a fall. Christian forgiveness will bring peace.

Self-forgiveness is that regular maintenance that keeps us on the road. The self-forgiving person is not – as many believe, or at least fear – a selfish person. It is the person who remains stuck in self-doubt and self-condemnation who will lead the more selfish, less productive life. The better I take care of myself, the more effective I will be at work, at home, and with my friends and even my enemies.I believe that forgiveness – of ourselves and others – is not so much something we do, as it is our natural state when we are not holding on to old resentments, pain, and guilt. I also believe that resentments and grudges I hold against myself are every bit as destructive as those I harbor for the fellow down the street.
I believe that in order to practice genuine self-forgiveness, we must accept full responsibility for who we are and what we do. Accountability is a requirement, and perfection is not even an option. Finally, I believe that living a life of forgiveness, attending to daily life from the inside out, is the most energy efficient and most productive way to live. I believe that self-forgiveness is essentially inseparable from self-respect and self-responsibility. We forgive ourself, not to deny forgiveness from others, but "so that" we can more adequately forgive ourselves. The manfistation of others forigiving us, really can not occur, until we are first willing to forgive them and to work hard at the process of forgiving ourselves as well.

WE ARE A WORK IN PROGRESS AND WE ALL WANT TO BE FORGIVEN

No matter what difficulty you face in your life and relationships, it is enough to know that we are a work in progress. Sometimes we fall apart, we concave, we spiral into depressive, bitter, heartbroken despondency. But this is because we are being transformed. Sometimes when we are rejected we develop a poor me attitude, in which the situation becomes compounded, and our "poor me, nobody likes me" attitude eventually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. God is not expecting to deliver the perfect apology, or to forgive others 100 percent. He is expecting us to try, but more than this he is expecting to do the best we can at any given moment of the day.  Secondarily, at our core nature, we really do all want to be forgiven for our transgressions. We seek forgiveness of self, forgiveness of God, and forgiveness of others.  Even those we offend, likely may feel the need to be forgiven if they have retaliated in some manner against the offending party.  When our apologies fail it can be a fatal blow to our self-esteem and self worth.  We forget that our lack of forgiveness is a lack in our own self-worth, thusly sometimes causing damage to the other person's sense of well being. 

(This article is not yet complete... yet you may contribute by sending your questions and ideas to me at wonder@inbox.com.)

I hope this gets you started at least,

Chad Fisher...