MNR Syndrome – Do Your Children Have it? written by Christine Louise Hohlbaum -
There is a new syndrome that has swept through my household. It is contagious, has frightful symptoms, and leaves a messy trail in its wake. It is called MNR Syndrome: Mom’s Not in the Room.
Kara, 4, and Jason, 2, have both caught it. They appear to be normal, well-adjusted children. They occasionally play nicely together. There are harmonious games of hide-n-seek in the mornings while my husband and I ready ourselves for the day. Play-doh is carefully passed back and forth. I watch them frolick like two kittens on the couch and pat myself on the back with great heft for the sibling love they so obviously share.
But, when Nature calls (or the phone rings, the washer buzzes, the door bell ding-dongs…), something odd takes over my kids. Thirty seconds have passed since I left the room. I hear screams, screeches, scratching, yowling! I run back into the room to see whatever is the matter. Both children are in a puddle of tears (or juice, water, milk – name your liquid!). They have dumped the contents of their lunch on the kitchen floor. They have pummeled each other uncontrollably. I see flushed faces or gleeful faces ("Look what we did to the cat!").
I find myself looking beneath the couch cushions to locate the monster that has infected my kids. Nothing is there.
There does not seem to be a cure for this syndrome, either. I recently gave the American Medical Association a jingle to push for more funding to study this disease. Here’s how the phone call went.
"Yes, hello, my name is Christine Louise Hohlbaum. I have discovered a new childhood illness…"
"Did you say Dr. Christine…." The voice queries.
"Oh, no. Well, Dr. Mom maybe…so anyway, it’s called MNR syndrome…" I say helpfully.
"Yeah…" the voice does not attempt to hide its disbelief.
"It’s very elusive, and no one can seem to predict its outbreak. And it only occurs when there is no adult in the vicinity…" I persevere.
"We’ll look into it. Thanks." The line goes dead.
I thought about calling the White House to alert them of the disease, then thought better of it. Self-doubt gnawed at me for days. I began to question whether it only affected my children.
My daughter had a playmate over for the day so I decided to test it out on her. The first two hours of the visit went well. They played Snow White and even took turns being the Prince. It all seemed to be going so well. I retreated to the kitchen to let them play by themselves. After ten minutes, I heard a crash, scream, and an explosion of tears downstairs. As I bound down the stairs, I noticed that crayon markings that had not been there ten minutes ago were suddenly all over the wall. In that instant, I realized that I was not alone. As I soothed the hurt feelings of both children, I made a mental note to start an MNR support group in the morning.
Christine Louise Hohlbaum, author of Diary of a Mother: Parenting Stories and Other Stuff, is an American living near Munich, Germany with her husband and two children. Visit her web site at:
http://mypages.iparenting.com/webs/diaryofamother/diaryofamother.html
mail to: chohlbaum@smith.alumnae.net
 So, The Thing Is... I'm Feeling A Little Guilty
by: Barbara Cooper
So, the thing is… I am feeling a little guilty.
I know, I know, what’s new? I’m like the travel agent for guilt trips. Right now I’m feeling a little guilty because I am so madly in love with my little Smiley Jane, who turns two-years-old today. I mean, REALLY crazy about her. I can’t keep my hands off of her. Her smile just lights up my whole world and that laugh—gosh, if I could bottle that baby deep-belly laugh, I would be the richest woman in the world. It’s hard to capture the essence of Jane’s personality with words. I can’t really describe that sense of perpetual motion, that blinding smile. It’s like she is lit from within, and I think that light is joy and enthusiasm and awe for this world. She’s so loving and so happy (even with that awesome temper) and then you add that baby skin and that wall-to-wall smile and the next thing you know, I am feeling guilty!
I can remember going through this phase with Ana (now four-and-a-half) too, although she was never quite so over-the top at loving me back as Jane is. But there was no need to feel guilty because she was my first. I just totally indulged myself in a big crush on my girl. But with Jane, there’s this vague sense that maybe I’m being somehow unfair. Like maybe my infatuation with her takes something away from Ana.
And it’s true, you know. I am NOT madly infatuated with Ana at the moment. I LOVE her and I appreciate her and I marvel at her but it’s also her job to push my buttons. She’s good at it. The whining thing. The testing thing. The negotiating thing. The monitoring my speed limit when I drive thing. I can honestly (albeit ashamedly) say that when she goes to school, I am a little relieved. It’s just hard with her right now. She’s four going on about thirteen, and she ignores me half the time and is cheeky another fourth of the time and then she’s so completely wonderful and loving and funny the other fourth that I feel MORE guilt.
Oh, but that Hurricane Jane! I miss her if she’s merely taking a long nap. Sometimes when I go in to check on her at night and I see her, asleep in her mermaid pajamas and her little rump up in the air, I have to stop myself from picking her up, just to feel her little baby self. She’s so compact at this age. She hugs so well. I am getting some real one-on-one time with her now that Ana’s in school in the mornings. And she’s just CHARMING.
I took her to the playground the other day and she wanted me to swing on the big girl swing next to her. “That’s GREAT swinging, Mama!” she said, encouragingly. (I love the way she always uses everyone’s proper names when she is addressing them.) A little bit later, as we sat on the playscape and looked at the full moon still visible in the sky, she turned to me, blue eyes grave and awed. “Boo-ful. It’s boo-ful, Mama.” I gazed back at her, afraid my heart would burst. “Yes, Jane. It is. Beautiful.”
I think part of appreciating Jane so much is that I know now how fleeting these days are. Every wonderful stage gives way to something else, and where once I cradled her and leaned over her as she took her first steps, now I’m watching her run away from me into her own world. And after Ana, I knew this was coming, so all the times Jane runs into my arms become that much more precious. I give myself permission to enjoy the view of her little naked behind and the funny way she confuses her pronouns. (“Hold you? Hold you, Mama?”) She’s given to spontaneously saying, “I luff you, Mama.” But I know. I know the day is coming when it will be gone, the last vestiges of her babyhood, almost without me even noticing.
Sometimes I watch Ana in this new role as my Independent Big Girl and I just want so much to reach out and pull her into my lap and hold her for a long while. I want to tell her I’m on her side. But I can’t. She wouldn’t stand for it (or believe me, for that matter.) The other night she came out of her room after bedtime on some pretext and when I tucked her back in, I kissed her.
She wiped my kiss off.
I guess this is a normal rite of passage, but must they all be such heartbreakers? I thought I was allotted a period of time when I got to be the hero -- what happened? This past summer, after I’d said “No” to her about something, she wanted to go to the grocery store and find a new family and go home with THEM. (I wish I could say I responded with sensitive probing about her feelings but instead I said, “Okay, as soon as you find a new family, I’ll drive you right to their house.”) The teenage years loom large.
So you can see why I prefer, ever so slightly, the uncomplicated relationship I share with the little Hurricane. She who still craves my presence and hugs me with abandon and misses me when I’m away. She who spontaneously started to YODEL in the grocery store a few months ago. (Seriously!) She, who is so responsive to my slightest touch. Who is silly just to make me laugh. Who likes to wear my shoes.
Maybe the first two years or so of a child’s life are given to us as gifts –so we have a firm foundation of holding them closely that will withstand the next sixteen years of them distancing themselves from us. As Graham Green said, “There is always a moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.” I don’t actually know that this is the start of the third year, but it would make sense.
I don’t really want Jane to stay a baby –there are many other wonderful milestones along the way to adulthood. But I am enjoying every minute of it while I can (albeit with a small amount of guilt.)
Happy birthday, Smiley Jane. May you always have that sparkle in your eye and that yodel in your heart.
Babies are such a nice way to start people. ~Don Herrold
If you would like to forward this column on, please do so in its entirety. Feedback welcome. Back issues can be found at http://www.sothethingis.com.
(c) Barbara Cooper 2002
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About The Author
Barb Cooper is the mother of Ana (4.5) and Jane (TWO) and this newsletter entitled "So, the thing is.... She lives in Austin, Texas.
barb@sothethingis.com |
Surviving As A Single Parent:
Seven Simple Suggestions To Make Your Life Easier
1 - Forgive even if you will never be able to Forget -
Let go of grudges you may hold against your child’s other parent, who is absent from BOTH of your lives. Holding onto feelings of anger will not change your situation and will probably consume a great deal of your energy - energy you need to devote to creating a positive environment for your child.
If you dwell on your disappointment with and/or dislike of the father or mother of your child - chances are your child will sense your feelings and suffer in some way from your negative attitude.
2 - Make the most of everything you have -
Even if you do not have a lot of money, you do have your child and your love and your time to give to him or her. Try to remember that monetary wealth and material possessions are not the most important items in your child’s life.
Your love, support and time together mean much more to them. You can have fun for free. Activities like - going for a walk or a bike ride, playing at the park, coloring, painting, singing, or dancing - will thrill your child just as much as spending money to go to an amusement park, an arcade or a toy store.
3 - Be the best parent you can possibly be -
Give as much as you can without setting goals that are unrealistic for one parent to achieve. Don’t beat yourself up for what cannot be.
Do recognize what you can do to create a good life for your child to the best of your abilities.
4 - Develop a network of reliable resources -
Families are not biological.
Surround yourself and your child with friends you know and trust - people who care about both of you. “Aunts” and “Uncles” and even “Grandparents,” who are not blood-related can be just as beneficial to your child as actual biological family members.
The “family” you create for your child can provide him or her with the same kind of love and support as a traditional family. They can also help you with your responsibilities as a single parent. Let them play an active role in your child’s life. Learn to turn to your “family” when you need a break.
Nobody should have to go it alone and you will probably be able to be a better parent by relying on your “family” of close friends to support you and your child.
5 - Take responsibility for your life today -
Remember whatever lead you to where you are today, you are responsible for another life - the innocent life of a child, who didn’t ask to be born.
Your child is not responsible for the experiences or events that made you become a single parent. Your child is completely dependent upon you through no choice of their own.
Don’t let them down or hold them accountable for your actions (or the actions of their absent parent).
They are powerless and vulnerable to the possibly less-than-ideal consequences they face as the child of a single parent. Your role and influence in their life is paramount to their chances of becoming a happy, productive, successful adult.
They need you more than their words will ever tell.
6 - Set up daily rituals and regular routines -
Your child needs stability and security.
One way to provide this is by developing a daily routine. Simple things like - going to the park every Sunday afternoon, eating dinner together each night, sharing a treat before nap time or reading a book together before bed every night, will become activities that your child looks forward to and can count on to occur with regularity.
7 - Be consistent and dependable -
Create realistic rules and a standard of discipline that you stick to all the time.
If you’re consistent with your child, he or she will learn what is acceptable behavior and what is not. They will also learn what you expect from them and what they can expect from you.
If you’re dependable, they will know that they can always count on you to help them with their homework, be there for dinner or tuck them in bed at night.
They have to be able to depend on you. You’re the most important person in their life.
Try to remember that no matter how tired you are at the end of the day or how frustrated you may become when they’re fussy - They need you to be there for them.
You should cherish every moment with your child - they are the best blessings on earth.
Resource Box - © Danielle Hollister (2003)
Danielle Hollister is the Writing Host at BellaOnline
http://www.bellaonline.com/site/writing
and Publisher of BellaOnline’s Writing Zine
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art157.asp
to subscribe send
email to:bellaonlinewriting-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Keep Your Kids Safe Online
by Colleen Moulding
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Thousands of children and young people use the Internet
every day without any problems at all, but we’ve all
heard about it’s darker side and the danger they could
find themselves in. Here are ten quick tips to make
sure that your kids enjoy using this wonderful resource
without putting themselves at risk.
1. The most important thing you can do to ensure your
child’s safety on the Internet is to be there when they
are using it. Don’t let children surf in their bedrooms
or in a separate room to the rest of the family. If this
is unavoidable, make sure that you are often in and out
of the room that they are using, keeping an eye on what
is going on.
2. Have clear rules about what is and what is not allowed
and stick to them. This might be no e-mailing, no chat
rooms, only chat rooms approved by you or whatever you
decide. Some people like to draw up a contract with their
children agreeing which types of site can be visited and
which activities participated in.
3. Get involved in what your kids do online. Get them to
show you their favourite sites, tell you about their e-mail
buddies and explain what they like doing online. This will
give you an insight into the possible pitfalls. If you want to
keep a check on which web sites they are visiting, click on
History in your browser window.
4. Download some filtering software. There is software
available that can stop your child giving out personal
information such as his/her name, address and telephone
number. Stress to them the importance of keeping such
information private. Even competitions and product offers
are not always what they seem to be and false sites have been
discovered with just the intention of getting this type of
information from children.
5. For younger children consider using a site like
Surf Monkey at http://www.surfmonkey.com where you
can download free tools to help children surf the
web safely. There’s the Surf Monkey Bar, which
incorporates safety features to ensure sites visited
are kid friendly and there is the animated Surf Monkey
character which acts as a web guide to the surfing child.
Parents can use a password system to build in
safety settings for the bar and browser and for activities
on the Surf Monkey Kids Channel. Parents can then sign
their children up for the Surf Monkey club if they want
them to join in on the community features such as chat rooms,
message boards and e-mail. The bar is easily turned off for
adult use.
6. Older kids are just as vulnerable as young ones. Teenage
girls, for example, are at risk from men who lure them into
face to face meetings after chatting to them online for many
weeks before suggesting that they get together. Make sure
children know never, ever to arrange a meeting with someone
they get to know online without your permission. If they
really want to meet up with a friend made in a chat room or
similar, go with them and make sure that the parents of the
child/teen that they are meeting know about the arrangement too.
7. Make sure that children understand that not everything they
read is necessarily true. This can be difficult, but it’s a
life skill they need to learn. All through life we have to
make decisions about whether or not information is of value.
Discuss with your children how to evaluate the material they
find and the difference between fact and opinion.
8. Teach them to stay out of trouble by not posting anything
bad about another person no matter how angry they may feel at
the time. Once a comment is out there it cannot be retracted,
and many hurtful remarks have been posted in the heat of the
moment. It is much better to leave a chat area than to get
drawn into anargument.
9. See that they understand that taking pictures, writing or
music from web sites without the permission of the copyright
holder can get them into trouble as it is stealing someone
else’s work.
10. Tell them firmly never to pay money or agree to pay money
for anything without parental supervision and never to use your
credit card details without your knowledge and permission.
Also make sure that they recognize mass mailed money making
schemes for what they are and are not foolish enough to waste
their money on them.
Copyright Colleen Moulding 2000
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About the author: Colleen Moulding is a
freelance writer from England where she has
had many features on parenting, childcare, travel,
the Internet and many more subjects published in national
magazines and newspapers. She has also published
a variety of women’s and children’s fiction.
Her work frequently appears at many sites on the
Internet and at her own site for women and children
All That Women Want.com a magazine, web guide
and resource for women everywhere.
http://www.allthatwomenwant.com
Why not drop by? It was made for you!
Subscribe to the free monthly e-zine containing articles,
ideas, tips, site reviews and lots more by sending
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allthatwomenwant-subscribe@egroups.com
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