CORNY'S ADVICE ARCHIVES!
JUNE 2009 UPDATE
It has been awhile since my last ADVICE FOR FILTHY HUMANS column. People ask where I went. Well, I didn’t go anywhere. I just hate talking to you awful filthy humans! But since the editor of this magazine has photos he is blackmailing me with, I must put on a happy face and pretend I enjoy this crap. On to your scintillating questions! ~~~ Oh Great Cornelius, The Great Cornelius Speaks: Mr. Cornelius, The Great Cornelius Speaks: ~~~ ~~~ The Great Cornelius Speaks: ~~~ Papa Cornelius, The Great Cornelius Speaks: However, there is a glimmer of hope. Some ape filmmakers have started to emerge and are taking steps toward reviving a credible film industry. A big hit right now is a movie called “Planet of the Humans” – a horror film about a planet overrun with horrible human beings. Imagine that! Actually, I get to see this for real every time I go back to your time period – and it gives me nightmares. ~~~ How does the Horror Fiction Review communicate with you so far into the future? And why did you agree to do this column? -Puppydog McQueen The Great Cornelius Speaks: I do not like it. ~~~ The Great Cornelius Speaks: ~~~ Dear Cornelius, The Great Cornelius Speaks: ~~~ That is enough! The Great Cornelius grows weary. Until next time, please have unpleasant dreams. I hope you all wake up screaming.
Should I pay a lot for this muffler? And is Rosie O'Donnell the bastard child of "Juggernaut" and Mary Tyler Moore?
-“Rockin” Rick Powell
What do I care what you pay for a muffler? And I have seen this Rosie O’Donnell creature you mention. I do not know who she is the spawn of, but she is certainly a terrifying being. Even among the most horrible mutants in the future, we have no one comparable.
What should a cute redheaded human female do to prepare for the future take-over?
-Coll
(a cute redhead human female).(LOL)
I suggest you start by shaving your nether regions and learning how to do it “monkey style.”
Dear Cornelius,
I’ve got about 18 seconds before this bomb explodes, destroying the basketball court and everybody in it. I had 78 seconds but then I smacked the side and lost 60 of them. I’ve narrowed it down to cutting the red wire or the blue wire, but I’m not sure which is the appropriate choice. Any advice?
--Jeff in Jeopardy
P.S.: I’m down to 3 seconds, so a hasty response would be very much appreciated. Thanks!
The Great Cornelius Speaks:
Hmmm, let me think about this one for awhile.
I am a freshman in high school. I hate Algebra, but the teachers keep telling me that this stuff will come in useful later on in life. Are they just screwing with me?
-Math Boy
Yes, they are “screwing” with you. Once you graduate from high school, you will never use this nonsense again. The same goes for such useless crap as geometry or trigonometry. It is all garbage. I suggest that you and your fellow students riot and destroy the premises. You are being duped.
Can you tell us how movies are in the future? Are special effects even better? What kinds of movies are big hits?
-Thaddeus Crumm
I am sorry to burst your bubble, but there is not a lot of call for movies in the future. Most humans are too busy suffering from radiation poisoning to enjoy “a night out.” In fact, buildings that were once your so-called “movie theaters” are now used as warehouses to store dead bodies.
Nick, who runs HFR, communicates with me by looking in his mirror and saying “Cornelius Badmonk” three time in a row. I then appear and tell him he is ugly. He has learned how to trap me in the glass and will not release me until I have answered stupid questions that idiotic humans have sent in.
What is your favorite ice cream? Is it Chunky Monkey?
No. I do not eat ice cream. I am lactose intolerant.
How does it feel to be married to a genuis? (sic)
Sincerely,
Cornietta
Well, you would have a lot stronger case if you learned how to spell.
DECEMBER, 2008
Dear Mr. Cornelius,
There is a crack whore in the back alley that looks just like Marcia Brady, and I keep using her to fulfill my childhood fantasies. I feel guilty, though, because crack whores are people, too, and I won’t even call her by her real name – whatever it is. Am I really being that bad?
Signed,
A confused Greg
The Great Cornelius Speaks
It makes sense to me that lowly humans would take medications to anesthetize themselves. It must be awful being a filthy human. However, since you are a human,and so is this “crack whore,” I do not see any problem with using this person for your filthy pleasures. You both stink.
****
Hello Cornelius,
Why doesn't shit smell like vanilla ice cream?
The Great Cornelius Speaks
No, that is a human thing. Ape shit does smell like vanilla ice cream. And flowers. Please come see me and I will cover you in my dung, so you can see for yourself.
****
Dearest Cornelius
I was recently driving my car on one of the local streets in my neighborhood, when I was rudely cut off by another driver who completely disregarded a stop sign. Before I could even blow my horn the other driver flipped me the middle finger, and sped away in his bright yellow Hummer. A short while later I saw this person's automobile parked in a local shopping center. In my attempt at justice, I proceeded to defecate into a plastic bag that I kept in my car, and I smeared my fecal matter all over the offending driver's auto. Do you think I took this a little too far? Or was I justified in my actions
Sincerely
Chris Ramone
Staten Island NY
The Great Cornelius Speaks
I see no problem with your “attempt at justice.” The punishment certainly seems to fit the crime. And foul human feces is always a nice way to say “fuck you.”
Have a nice day!
****
Hello, Mr. Cornelius
What is your position on gun control?
Mike Arnzen
gorelets.com
The Great Cornelius Speaks
Dear Human,
I have absolutely no problem with guns, as long as they are being used on human beings. Feel free to shoot each other all you want. In the future, we apes will use you for target practice anyway. You might as well start getting used to it now. Come see me and I will paint a target on your head!
****
Dear Cornelius,
Kreegah. Bundolo. Mangani.
Tarzan want to know why funny fat ape answer foolish questions?
Tarzan say, funny fat ape come to Congo, Tarzan beat on chest like bongo.
Kreegah, bundolo, you goddamn dirty ape!
Lord Greystoke
London, England
The Great Cornelius Speaks
I do not understand this “Tarzan” character. He was raised by apes, and yet he seems to be retarded. That would certainly not be the case if a human were raised by real apes, especially in the future. If you imitated our ways, you would be much superior to most homo sapiens. Thus the concept of Tarzan is foolish, and I will not answer your question.
That’s it! Your questions are starting to bore me.
More pearls of wisdom next time.
Your lord and master,
Cornelius
Dear Cornelius,
I am Commander Chiquita and I come from the far, far future when the Banana People will rule the Earth. Here is a picture of me on my banana rocket.
The Banana Republic of the year 2738 AA (After Apes) has sent me to arrest you for consuming our ancestors. My question is this: are you going to come along peacefully, or am I going to have to chain you up and encase you in a steel peel?
-- Commander Chiquita, Commander, Banana Republic Armed Forces
The Great Cornelius Speaks
I cannot wait for you to get here, dear Commander. I have commanded my minions to order several thousand gallons of ice cream and we will make the world’s biggest banana split to celebrate your arrival. I also have had gigantic blenders constructed so that we apes can enjoy smoothies and banana daiquiris in your honor. I sincerely hope that you bring your entire army with you. We are incredibly hungry here.
PS: Thank you for the photograph. You look delicious.
Dear Cornelius Badmonk,
I have psoriasis. I've tried everything but it doesn't go away. I've seen apes at the zoo with rough skin patches like mine. Is there anything apes do in the wild to help sooth their dry skin?
Curious in Connecticut
The Great Cornelius Speaks
I suggest that you invest in sandpaper and use that to scrape away any irritated skin. Even better, get an electric sander and use that. Once your psoriasis has been removed and the once-dry patches are bloody, please apply generous amounts of salt. I think this will help you. If not, it will at least provide me with a chuckle. Please videotape the results and send them my way.
Cornelius,
What's your favorite kind of music? :)
Also, why can't I find a good man??? lol
Bradley Taylor
The Great Cornelius Speaks
I do not understand this “lol” because I do not speak the alien language. But I will answer your questions.
For music, I am a big fan of death metal, because the very genre makes me think of the day when humankind will die out and the apes will inherit the earth. I also like the funny voices the singers use. It amuses me. I also have seen video footage of a band called the Nairobi Trio – three apes that play percussion instruments – who delight me no end, even though they are from ancient times.
I do not, however, like the band you humans call “The Monkees.” They have nothing to do with ape kind and I do not understand their name, or why it is spelled so strangely.
As for finding a good man, I am not the right person to ask. Since I think all men are bad.
Dear Cornelius,
I idolize you and wish to me more like you. However, each time I masturbate in public or throw poo at people, I get thrown in jail. Furthermore, when I pee in my mouth, I usually fall over and make a big mess. Is there an easy step program to be more like a monkey?
Jerrod Balzer
The Great Cornelius Speaks
Finally, a human who obviously has a larger brain than most. Your desire to be more like us apes is admirable, and I must commend you. However, you are learning the hard way how humans discriminate against ape kind. I see no reason why you must be jailed for your behavior. It is quite acceptable in our time. Just one more indication of how primitive the humans of your time are.
Unfortunately, I am afraid that I cannot offer you a solution to your dilemma. The more you embrace ape kind, the more you will be a pariah among your own people. They do not understand you, and therefore fear you. My heart goes out to your brave stance.
Dear Mr. Cornelius:
If I have sex with my cancer-stricken wife is that considered cheating on my girlfriend?
Confused,
J. Edwards
North Carolina
The Great Cornelius Speaks
I would say yes, but if you keep it a secret, I do not see the problem.
Dear Cornelius,
I have not had my period for seven months, and I’ve gained some weight. Do you think I could be pregnant?
Annie
Baltimore, MD
The Great Cornelius Speaks
Annie, I think you have nothing to worry about. But just in case, throw yourself off a tall building. Thank you.
That is all for now. Once again, your inane questions have caused my brain to swell up. I must now drink large amounts of alcohol to forget this painful ordeal.
* * * * *
JUNE 2008
ADVICE FOR FILTHY HUMANS!
FROM CORNELIUS BADMONK
Hello, you filthy humans. This is Cornelius from the future. Many people ask me what the future is like, and I think it is quite nice. But you humans probably wouldn’t like it very much. The apes have taken over and the only humans left are docile creatures that we use as slaves and cattle, and of course, the horrendous mutations who live in the desert. The mutants also eat the docile humans, so cattle rustling is a major crime in my time. And, of course, there is also a segment of the ape population that is Vegan and is trying to get the rest of us to stop eating meat. You see, even we apes have our own version of “hippies.” But I think it is a doomed cause. Human flesh is just too tasty a treat to give up!
I hear such silly questions. People ask if I am the same Cornelius from the PLANET OF THE APES movies. How silly! Those movies are fiction, sprung from the mind of some French guy named Pierre Boulle. That is make-believe. I am real. While I find those movies to be entertaining, they have absolutely no grounding in reality and I actually find it annoying that one of the characters from the films has the same first name as me. I bet old Pierre thought he was pretty clever when he came up with that one. But we apes have the last laugh. In the future, we are your masters and we have burned all of your useless books!
Since I have mastered time travel and I regularly move back and forth between your time and my own, I’ve seen a lot in the way of advances and regressions. So people tend to ask me questions, thinking I am wise and all-knowing, which I suppose I am.
And so, since it will be a long time before the apes conquer your world and proclaim me their king, I have a lot of time on my hands. I thought I would do something to keep me occupied. So, I decided to do an advice column.
Do you have any questions for Cornelius? Queries about the future? Relationship problems? Moral dilemmas? Please feel free to ask me and I will use my great ape mind to solve them for you, because I know how pitiful your puny brains are.
And now, on to this month’s questions:
Dear Cornelius,I'm a widow four times over, each of my husbands having died mysteriously on our respective wedding nights, always before we have the opportunity to consummate. Can I still wear white to the wedding with lucky guy number 5? - Miss Ebony Widdoe- Miss Ebony Widdoe The Great Cornelius Speaks:What are you doing, poisoning these men? Not that I mind. I’m not much partial to humans.But it’s the inability to consummate these relationships that bothers me. You may have deep-rooted intimacy issues. Remind me never to drink a chocolate milk shake at yourhouse! As for wearing white – what do I care? You humans have such odd customs – and they are all totally meaningless. Your strange idiosyncrasies fascinate me. Go totally bare-assed for all I care! Dear Cornelius:I was wondering. If you drop food on the floor what is an acceptable time limit for you to still be able to eat it? -Chris Ramone, Staten Island, New York
The Great Cornelius Speaks:Why do I care what humans eat? You’re all filthy animals, anyway! You delude yourselves into thinking you are “civilized,” but you are merely maggots play-acting that you are men.
Don’t worry about maintaining this illusion of civilization anymore. Go jump into a dumpster and have yourself a feast!
Dear Cornelius,I am a mother of a teenage girl and I am desperately worried about my daughter. She has been acting strangely over the last few months and has grown very distant from her family. I think she is on drugs and may be having sex. When I question her about it, she rolls her eyes at me and clams up. I am not trying to "hassle" her, I am concerned about her medical and emotional health. The other day, when I was making her bed, I found a diary under her mattress. My daughter knows that I make her bed every morning and I think this is a cry for help and that she secretly wants me to read the diary. Do you think it would be wrong for me to read my wayward daughter's private journal if I am doing it to help her?
-Worried in Atlanta
The Great Cornelius Speaks:You know, your logic intrigues me. Clearly your daughter acts like a typical teenage girl, and yet you are so desperate to read her intimate thoughts that you think her diary is there for you! You suffer from something known as “nosey-itis.” No matter what I say, you will rationalize this to get what you want.
I suggest however that, instead of living vicariously through your daughter, you go out and do the things you so obviously wish to do. Go take drugs and have lots of sex. You know you want to. Giving in to these desires would do you a world of good.
Better yet, why don’t you go jump into the lion cage at the zoo! They could use a good lunch.
Dear Cornelius,
When do you finally call it quits when you have strong feelings for a friend who doesn't return those feelings? Should you continue to be friends with that person, or would it be better to keep your distance?
-Misunderstood in Memphis
The Great Cornelius Speaks:Huh? What did you say? I fell asleep.
Your feelings are as significant to me as those of a gnat. I cannot wait until the human race is exterminated and we apes take over!
Dear Cornelius,
Didn’t I see you at the zoo last week?
- Fred Peggi, Amherst, Massachusetts
The Great Cornelius Speaks:Very funny. What coarse and unrefined humor you humans have.
No that wasn’t me you saw at the zoo. It was one of your stupid, primitive descendents. Much like you’re mine!
Enough! Cornelius grows weary of your questions. My patience for such foolishness is at an end. I will have to regain my strength for next time.
JANUARY 2009 UPDATE
Dear Mr. Cornelius,
I recently moved to a development, and the HOA is a pain in the ass. What should I do?
Signed,
Frustrated
The Great Cornelius Speaks
I have no idea what a development or a HOA is, but I know a really good solution to what ails you. You know those plastic bags that dry cleaning comes in? Take one of those and put it over your head and inhale deeply. I don’t think you’ll have too many worries after that.
Hello Cornelius,
I have this reoccurring dream that I'm four years old, eating funnel cake at a carnival. What does this mean?
Your Pal
Oatsie
The Great Cornelius Speaks
It sounds to me like you yearn for a simpler time when you were free of adult responsibilities. When all that mattered were things like carnivals and funnel cakes. Ah, what a precious time that must have been. But I have some advice for you. GROW THE HELL UP!
****
Dearest Cornelius
I hate my job, but I can't afford to quit. What should I do?
Sincerely
Yackoff Dumpkoff
The Great Cornelius Speaks
See my reply to the first question above. This should help you as well.
****
Hello Cornelius,
My old cellmate was a monkey. I shanked him in the kidney, and he died growling as I pissed in his mouth. Does this make me a bad person?
Your biggest fan,
Googy Nixon
The Great Cornelius Speaks
May you burn in hell for all eternity.
****
Dear Cornelius,
Aren't you ashamed that you apes of the future enslave humans? Doesn't your conscience ever bother you?
Sincerely,
Tom S. Jefferson
Virginia
The Great Cornelius Speaks
No. I have no problem with the dominance over humans by apes in the future. We are clearly your superiors in every way, and we need someone to serve us french fries and wipe our butts. Humans fill this niche very nicely. You would do well to start worshipping me now, so that you will not have a difficult time adjusting when the apes take over.
****
Dear Pappa Cornelius,
Have you ever picked your feet in Poughkeepsie?
Signed
Popeye Doyle
The Great Cornelius Speaks
Are you the same Popeye who is a sailor man? I do not understand this “pick your feet.” I was under the impression we had to accept the feet we are born with. And I have never been to Poughkeepsie.
****
Dear Pappa Cornelius,
How best to serve man?
Signed
Emeril
The Great Cornelius Speaks
Cooked over a spit and basted with honey and pineapple chunks. Human meat is actually quite delightful. Thank you for asking.
****
Dear Papa Cornelius,
Fa and Be (the two dolphins featured in the movie DAY OF THE DOLPHIN), want to know if apes can swim.
If they can't, they're collective hairy unwashed asses are truly grass.
Or would that be seaweed?
Signed, Fa and Be.
The Great Cornelius Speaks
What is this “Pappa Cornelius” crap? I am not your papa. I think maybe the same person is writing all of the emails that begin like this. You are a fool.
As for dolphins. I certainly find them delicious. Especially sautéed with a side order of baby seal nuggets.
Now you’ve made me hungry. I must end this column now to get a snack.
I’ll answer more of your questions next time, filthy humans!