SEPTEMBER 2009 UPDATE
How dare you wake me from my slumber! I am very tired from all of the wonderful ape things I do. But once again I must answer your dismal questions.
Ask away, cretins!
**
Dear King Badmonk:
I have developed a fear of coconuts. They are hairy. They have milk inside. They seem alive to me. I know my fears are irrational, because they do not bite or leap at me, but still I fear them. What should I do?
-- "Horrified in Hawaii"
The Great Cornelius Speaks:
Dear Horrified,
The best way to overcome your fears is to face them head on. Go into a closet and then have someone fill it up with coconuts and lock you inside. As time goes on and you begin to have hunger pains, you will learn to think of coconuts as food and will no longer fear them. However, chances are good you will have no way to crack them open, so you will starve to death and die.
And I will laugh.
***
Dear Papa Cornelius,
Why is the sky blue?
-Louise B.
The Great Cornelius Speaks:
Dear Louise,
It is funny. In the future, earth’s sky is not blue at all. It is a raging red. This is because of all of the humans who have been slaughtered. I have to admit, on certain days when the sun hits it just right, this crimson hue is quite striking.
But why is your sky blue? I have no friggin idea!
***
Dear Corny~
In your experience, what is the best method to look up a kitten's nose? Please be nice. I do not wish to harm the kitten in any way.
Sincerely,
Curious in Washington
The Great Cornelius Speaks:
Dear Curious,
You take the kitten, lift it up into the air, and as it playfully struggles in your grasp, look up its nose. Although I truly have no idea what you would be looking for….Gold?
In the future, kittens are quite a delightful delicacy. I would tell you more, but you have asked me to be nice. And I am in a generous mood.
***
Dear Ape King,
What do I do? It was maize corn so I can't tell if it's too soiled to eat.
Sincerely,
Confused in the Midwest
The Great Cornelius Speaks:
Dear Confused,
Soap and water will clean the corn if you truly feel the need to eat it.
As for the blood. In my time, human blood is the main ingredient in a very nice sauce. But I doubt you would like it.
***
Dear Corny,
What kind of miserable, hollow, dead-inside ape doesn’t love the movie WALL-E?
- Jeffrey Mortimer Strand
The Great Cornelius Speaks:
Dear Jeffrey,
I do not know what you mean. I have not seen this WALL-E, but I hear it is about a cute robot in a future where mankind has perished. Is this the case? If so, it certainly sounds quite pleasant to me. A world without humans is a wonderful place indeed.
A world without you would be ever better.
***
Dear Cornelius,
I just started going to high school and I am miserable. As a freshman, I am constantly being harassed by the upperclassmen. They punch us in the back of our heads and call them “noogies.” They yank our underwear up inside our pants and call them “wedgies.” And they force our heads in toilets and flush them and call these “swirlies.”
I am sick of being humiliated by these bullies all the time, but I am small for my age and feel helpless. What can I do?
Sad in Suburbia
The Great Cornelius Speaks:
Dear Sad,
I am assuming your school has a gym and that there are baseball bats somewhere? I would get one of these bats and pay a special visit to the bullies who are bothering you. A club across the head can do wonders to adjust someone’s aberrant behavior.
In my time, we call these “crackies.”
***
ENOUGH! The great and wonderful Cornelius grows weary of your insipid questions. That is all for now.
'Got a question for the Great Cornelius? Send it to NickYak@aol.com and we'll forward it to him!