Recovery

My eating disorder began three years ago.  I’m 25 years old and is a minority. I'm of black, Asian and Cherokee decent. I’ve been battling with compulsive overeating and anorexia.

As a child I was very skinny, but all that changed when I entered junior high and high school. During junior high, I was like any other normal child. I had friends and I ate what I wanted. At that young of an age, I didn’t know what eating disorders were. The notion of having any kind of disordered eating didn’t faze me at all at that time. I wasn’t skinny like I was as a small child, but rather was at a normal weight for a child between the ages of 13-16.

High school soon came. I put on weight and considered myself to be plump. I knew I wasn’t like some of the skinny girls I went to high school with, but that didn’t bother me. I suppressed those feelings of wanting to be thin. After graduating from high school in May of 2002. I began to gain weight. From May of 2002 to August of 2002 I put on about 30 extra lbs. I sat at home most days and did nothing but eat. When I had nothing to do, I would lie on the couch, watch soap operas and eat all day long.

My eating disorder first developed into compulsive overeating. I would eat when I was bored and eat when I wasn’t bored. Overall, I used food as a comfort. My weight topped out at my highest weight, with a medium frame at 5’3." I maintained around this weight for about a year into college as a freshman. I would have back pains and headaches because of my obesity. At the beginning of my sophomore year in college I remembered I was taking a shower, and as I came out I looked at myself in the mirror. I was totally disgusted at how large I had become.  From that moment forward, I decided to make a physical change. I would workout at my university’s gym 3 - 4 days a week for an hour and a half to two hours. I wouldn’t stop working out until I dripped with sweat. I didn’t care who saw me.

After 6 months I got down to a healthy weight. After losing 60lbs I became obsessed with losing more weight. Then anorexia developed. I would pull every trick in the book; fast for 5-10 days, and lie to parents and everyone around me about my eating. Food then became the enemy to me. I wouldn’t stop losing until I saw bones. That was my goal. I did everything I could do to lose weight except purge and take diet pills. In a way, I was and am glad that I had that much of my eating disorder under control. But sadly, I would take lax once a week for about 3 months off and on, and occasionally binge. I got down to my lowest weight. My family and friends were flabbergasted at how much weight I had lost and how fast I had lost it.

Both of my parents were so busy with work that they didn’t notice my weightloss until I got around my lowest weight. My sister-in-law pulled me to the side on evening and asked if I was anorexic. My mom overheard her and said “No. She eats and works out.” I told my sister-in-law the same thing. I even laughed it off saying, "Me anorexic? Noooo," but that wasn’t the truth.

About two months ago I made the decision to seek recovery. I'm now talking with a therapist. She's keeping tabs on my eating, exercise and my feelings. It has really helped me in a great way, not only on the physical apect of recovery, but the inside as well and how I feel about myself.

There are days when I want to get back to my lowest weight and go even lower to see those ‘double digits,’ but I know that’s not a good place for me to be. I need to happy. I need to be healthy. I need to get on with my life and let go of the burdens of having an eating disorder, because after all that’s what it is an illness and a burden to me, my family, and friends. So I’m seeking to lift those burdens for myself. Now more than ever I feel that life is so much more living. So many bad things are going in the world for me to be occupied with wanting to be thin. I need to enjoy life, my family, my friends,  and the positive things life has to offer. Now is the time for me to get on with life and let go of this illness before it's too late.

It IS possible to recover. It just takes the willpower to go through with it, support from your loved ones and commitment. You can achieve it just take it one step, one day, and one meal at a time.

EmeraldRose