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What brought me here to create my 3 sites...

Hi, i'm 25 yrs old and live in Canada. I started to deal with mental illness at the age of 15 but I wasn't diagnosed with it until I was at my worse with panic that I was reffered by my family doctor to a psychiarist, which I have been with now for 10 yrs. She diagnosed me at 16 with having Geneneralized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and Clinical Depression. I was later then diagnosed with suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), and therefore had to purchase a lightbox to do light therapy in the winter months. I was also put on anti-depressants to help with the depression and anxiety.

At 16 I met someone who was fine at the first 3 months... and then he strangled me, 3 times and smiled while doing it. It's funny at that age even though you are scared of that person, or think that something is not right you do not consider it abuse. He was emotionally, physically, verbally, mentally, and sexually abusive to me. That lasted for 11 months. I ended it then.

I didn't find out what I went through was abuse and rape until about a year or so later while talk about it with a friend of mine (someone I was seeing at the time). I went into a downward spiral from there. I dealt with severe depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, self harm and PTSD. I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until years later even though I did mention the abuse to my psychiarist she did not push me into talking about it. Once I did start to deal with that she told me the best thing to do was change around my room and paint the walls a different colour, since all the abuse happened in the room. So I did. I still suffered from triggers and mostly body memories (a type of flashback). I still do to this day almost 10 yrs later but I can deal with them better now. I also throughout the year of 1996-2001 dealt with numerous sexual assaults and sexual harassment. My psychiatrist helped me to deal with all that through talk therapy. I as of last year or so jumped over a huge hurdle with letting go of the past so I was no longer stuck. Now it's 2006 and I have a wonderful, loving boyfriend who I live with, who has been supportive and caring. I've dealt with pretty much everything, now my depression isn't as bad as it was even 2 yrs ago. My SAD is staying back abit, but I think that's due to my light therapy. My anxiety is pretty much gone. (I haven't talked about the stem of my anxiety, it happened before the abuse.) I can now talk myself out of anxious thoughts, and I rarely panic. There are about 3 things that make my panic, but I'm sure that I will over-come those fears in time. I still suffer from low self-esteem and low-confidence but that is slowly working itself out. My PTSD is not nearly as bad as it was a year ago, I only now suffer from remnants of it and my psychiarist is extremely proud of me.

Since dealing with all that I created support forums for each mental health and abuse and sexual assault, which is linked at the side of the forum.

If you'd like to share your stories with recovery please email me at:

Candice 's Story...

My name is Candice M. Martin, I'm an author, an epileptic and struggling survivor of rape, domestic violence and chidhood sexual and physical abuse. For years I did what I was told and kept my mouth shut. In fact, until my book came out in December 2005, I really didn't go in the specifics of my past, nor did I share my writings with many of my family members. Sure they read some, but not the darker ones-the ones that contained so much of my pain. Now I would post them on my website, hoping that I wasn't the only one with the feelings I'd had when I'd written each piece. It took me a long time to even think of actually seeking out a publisher-not because it wasn't my dream, but because I didn't want others to think I was certifiable after they read my work. But after a while, I didn't care. I'd written what I'd went through and my writings were my voice-an affirmation of my past.

Near as I remember, the abuse started when I was 4. I don't have a lot of memories from my childhood-which I'm thankful for-but the ones that I do have are painful and usually flashbacks of my father touching me, whispering not to scream or I'd regret it in more ways than one. And I knew better too. I still have the scars to prove it. I carry his wrath on my body. I have a scar that runs along my right chin to my ear-the bone area there-it was where my father cut me when I was around 4-5. I believe he was trying to slit my throat. I also have a stab mark on chest, somewhat faded now, where I remember my father holding a knife to my chest and saying that he could kill me at any time-I was to always do as he said. I remember him taking me to the attic-something for years and years I'd been told WE didn't have in our house. Memories fade in and out, but I always remember the pain, of my father shoving his hands between my legs -the one thing that sticks out so clearly was the roughness of his hands-like sandpaper. I'm not sure what age I was, but I remember that my sisters were taken out of the home, because my oldest sister told a teacher what was going on -with her. I don't believe any of us truly knew that it was happening to the other one. In fact, I still have one sister that denies it ever happened to me and her story changes on a regular basis on if it happened to her or not. I was left in the home-for who knows what reason-sheer state stupidity would be my guess. Anyways, after my sisters were removed, I remained and became the prime target of my fathers desires and rage. When he wasn't abusing me sexually, he was beating me. I remember he had this leather belt-and in it, he'd pushed thru sharp rocks, rusty nails and broken glass pieces. When he was mad or I wouldn't do as he directed, he'd beat me over the back with his belt. But for all his pain that he caused me, what hurt more than anything, is the fact that I remember my mother yelling up to my father one night when he had me in the attic. It had been a rough night. For the first time he'd completely penitrated me and I'd bled. My mother's words were, "Are you done with her yet?" and my father replied, "Almost, just cleaning up her mess!" THIS will stick with me above all else- for it meant my mother knew and did NOTHING. To this day she still denies it and even remained with him until the day he died. She says that there was never any abuse to any of us girls, that we made it up. But I know different, as does at least one of my sisters. And I have proof-for in a counsling session, my therapist found an old file of mine, from when I was in foster care and had seen a therapist. There is documentation from a social worker of my sisters and I, that states our mother finally admitted to her that she knew our father had abused us and did nothing. The social worker was even looking at bringing charges against her. But nothing ever happened-to either one of them. The whole situation what quietly sweep under the rug, and they severed their rights to us, so that he'd never have to do a day in jail.

I spent many years in foster homes, and in one of them, I was again sexually abused. I ran, but was returned. After almost a year there, I was finally moved, then moved again and again and again...you get the point. One too many foster homes and not a one of them a HOME!! At age 17 1/2-18, I started having seizures-but at that time I didn't know what they were-and the system sent me to a stomach doctor!! There goes that Sheer Stupidity Syndrome again! Well at 18 I was on my own, with a disease I knew nothing about, trying to go to college like I'd always wanted to. That dream ended quickly. My seizures became so out of control I was forced to drop out, and have never went back. It was not meant to be. I moved to the town my sister lived in and stayed with her, all the while my seizures getting worse. I battled depression, self hatred, PTSD, suicide attempts, drinking to numb the pain-everything! At 19 I was raped by a boyfriend's best friend. I never reported it because, 1) I was used to being abused and 2) he was my boyfriend's friend. The relationship ended ended shortly after that. I bounced back and forth from my sisters house to being homeless to living with friends. I was a mess. I still had no control over my seizures. I got into a 2 1/2 year domestic violence relationship with a man that SEEMED perfect at first. I thought he would take care of me and help me deal with my seizures and everything else I was dealing with. But know, he just added to the pain. He'd come home from work and throw me to the floor and just start beating me. He didn't care where the punches landed or what I looked like when he got done. He'd call me every name in the book. I ended up having 3 miscarriages due to his beatings. I dealt with this for 2 1/2 years, day in and day out, the names, the beatings and his sick sexual games-for he'd take sex-rape me-and do it in ways to make sure I would hurt-AND he'd see that hurt. He got off on seeing me crumble. I was broken. I had nothing left. I no longer cared what happened to me. He could kill me, it didn't matter to me. BUT, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of killing myself. He wouldn't win that way. I wanted to die, but not by my hand-if he was that much of a man, then let him do it himself! The beatings kept coming, some days worse than others, until one day I'd had enough. He came home, ready to fight. He threw me to the floor again, but when he went to hit me, I hit him first and broke his nose in 2 places with one punch!! I'd had enough. I was done! He knew it. A look of shock and defeat came over his face all at once. He didn't say a word. He moved out a week later and last I heard he went to jail for knocking his girlfriend down a flight of stairs while she was holding their new baby.

I met my husband shortly after that and expected the same treatment. When it didn't come, I tried to make it. I'd pick fights just because. I wanted him to hit me-in that "I deserve it" way. After a while I realized that he wasn't going to treat me that way. He has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and I think God for him. We will celebrate our 8 wedding anniversary in March 2006. He is my world. My seizures are still a major problem for me. Doctors haven't controlled them yet, and I'm still fighting for my disablity-I first filled almost 12 years ago, but restarted the process about a year ago. I still battle PTSD and depression, some days worse than others. Through it all, I write. My husband is the main reason that I submitted my book to the publisher. When they excepted it I cried with him for who knows how long. When I actually got my copy of my book, I cried again. He is my rock. We don't have much, but we have each other. He is required to care for me, due to my seizures-so he doesn't work. He's had to do this since early last year(doctors can't stablize my seizures). Our income is less than $300 a month, but we still make it. Faith and Prayer has gotten us this far, as has our love. It is my hopes that my words will help someone who has gone through the same thing or is going through the things I've gone through. "Petals of Life: A Survivor's Writings" is at the major online bookstores, as well as most brick and mortar stores. Please visit my site at www.publishedauthors.net/cmartin and let me know you've stopped in by signing the guestbook!

This is my story~

Candice M. Martin

Jane's Story

My survivor story

***warning, possible triggers***

I�m Jane. I was until recently a professor. Then I retired in order to write my story. The book will be called Writing on the Water. So here�s a brief version.

I didn�t realize that I was abused until decades after it happened. I was thinking of terminating therapy back in 1995 when I suddenly realized that a memory I had from when I was four was a big indicator. I remembered sitting on the toilet and it hurt when I peed. My parents insisted that it was because I had slipped on the bathtub, but I knew that was not true. It took me a long time to really believe I�d been abused, partly because my parents were loving and good parents in many ways, and partly because they had messed with my mind.

After I had worked with this first memory for about a year, I started having physical memories of pressure in my mouth, nausea, and dizziness. These memories never got very specific in terms of time, place, or person, but they were invasive and intrusive. I know this mouth-rape was also by my father.

I�ve been working on the recovery process for ten years now, layer by layer. It�s led me through a lot of pain, fear, and flashbacks of the physical symptoms. It was really, really hard not having clear memories, but I finally learned to believe the little girl inside who was telling me this. I�ve worked in therapy with some hypnosis and trance work and mainly learning to care for my inner child and nurture her. By now I feel a lot of joy in the child, and I write and do art work to affirm her. I sit with her every morning and listen to her feelings.

I am so excited about the Inner Child work that I wrote a little booklet called �Caring for the Child Within�A Manual for Grownups.� You can find it on my website�I hope it�s OK to list the link here. www.janerowan.com/ChildBooklet.htm

I�d be interested in hearing stories of others who don�t have clear memories.

Thanks for being here.

Ashley's Story

Ashley is not her real name, but it's a name she chooses to go by.

Please Read With Caution As Her Story Can Be Triggering.

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It was National Crime Victims Week, and this is Ashley's story. What if it was you? Your sister? Or Mother? Would you know? Do you know? Even if it is not, it clearly is time to take action against this type of evil behavior, and to protect those in need, before, during and after violence strikes. Don't think it's not your problem. That's what the "terrorists" want. If this story can help anyone you know, pass it on.

Ashley's Story
***********

I hid out for the first six years, then I began speaking out, when your partner is "the law" it's a lot harder escaping the hell you call home.

My goal for this year is to make awareness of Domestic Violence (DV) widely known, point those in need to the help available, & to eventually eradicate DV.

Some things to consider:

When is it okay to be hit & cursed at by your ________________? (Fill in the blank here> Spouse>Partner> Boy Friend> Friend?)
When I :
(A) Don't have the house cleaned.
(B) Don't have dinner ready!
� Don't have everything perfect!
(D) I've done something he doesn't like.
If any of you answered any of the letters, you got it wrong. The CORRECT ANSWER Is NEVER. IT is NEVER okay!

DUCKS
Have you ever felt like you lived in a box? Everything is okay as long as ALL your ducks were in a row-BUT if a duck was missing, or you weren't sure you did everything you were supposed to do before he got home? You're racing around desperately trying to find the missing duck before he gets home.
Rushing everywhere to get back in time.
- Will he be in a good mood? (Duck #1)
- Did he have a good day @ work today? (Duck#2)
- Did he stop for a drink or 2, or 3? & Is he drunk? (Ducks#3&4)
- Did he lose his job again? (Last Duck)

WORDS
Have you ever SAID these words?
1. What did I do wrong?
2. How can I fix it?
3. I didn't talk to that man!
4. I didn't look at that man!
5. I don't want anyone else!
6. You are all I ever want!
7. I Love you; You're all I want, I Promise!

OR

8. "Please don't hurt me!"
9. "Please don't say that to me!"
10. "Please don't talk to me like that!"
11. "Please don't kick me!"
12. "Please don't do that again!"
13. "Please don't leave me, I'll be the way you want me to be, I'll do what you want me to do, just Please don't hurt me anymore!"

Has this ever been you? It's been me. I've been in your shoes I KNOW what you are going through, what you have gone through� You could say I have my MASTER'S DEGREE IN THAT KIND OF PAIN, HUMILIATION & PLAIN OLD FEAR!"

The SIGNS
Warning signs, which I only knew too well. Why shouldn't I? I was the peacemaker in my family; the oldest of five, my Mom always told me to keep the peace at all costs & I had even been a volunteer Crisis Counselor for a local shelter; It was my job to be the person who could fix everything; Regardless of the pain, humiliation or anything I went through making the "peace" happen including saying It was my fault even when it wasn't. . I COULD "FIX" EVERYTHING. Except my own life. I stayed too long. WAY PAST ALL THE SIGNS�. & I got to witness & watch my own execution style hit.

I'm here to tell you what happened & How I struggled to survive so I could make a difference for FUTURE SURVIVORS of Violent crimes related to Domestic Violence. If this story of Survival can help just one of you take the IMPORTANT STEP wouldn't that be awesome?

I pulled into my drive way after a long day at work & as I was getting out my car. I felt the first blow to the back of my head. I came to, as I was being dragged in my driveway. It was all like a slow motion horror movie. I could see the people & what they were doing, but I was unable to stop it. I watched them basically stage the crime that was planned so well. I saw my shoe being taken off & hung on the fence. I saw everything & when they came back towards me, I remember thinking, I hadn't told my parents' how much I loved them & now they would never know� That's the last thing I remember. I woke up in a hospital three months later.

I knew without a doubt that my husband had planned the whole thing right down to the last detail. I couldn't prove it, because he was good at what he did. He had basically been training all his adult life. He was the law.

I immediately knew I had to get out> I put my safety plan into action!

THE SAFETY PLAN
1. Have a separate Checking & or savings account that no one but you & the bank knows about.
2. Establish Code Words with a trusted friend. Let me explain. Your trusted friend calls you & things are not fine. You have some sentences to say to them that your attacker is NOT AWARE of! This can be the difference between LIFE & DEATH. Mine was: "I'm cleaning out the refrigerator!" Others could be I'm fixing a Turkey sandwich; I'm changing my socks. The purple ones? Your friend asks, you answer "yes". Your friend is able to get Law Enforcement over to your place!
3. Leave a PAPER TRAIL
4. Establish a safe place that NO ONE knows about where you can go.
5. Don't keep the same magazines. Forward them to NURSING HOMES all over the STATE
6. Close your VIDEO Accounts. Don't ever transfer these accounts, because you can be found this way.
7. Never order home delivery for food or anything because your name & # will be in someone's database; All your husband has to do is go to the town where he thinks you are & go into all take out & delivery places & show them your picture He can say anything he wants to find you.
8. NEVER LEAVE A FORWARDING ADDRESS!

WHEN TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY!
A Gun in your mouth? A Gun @ your throat! A Gun against your head is never a joke. YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER. YES YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS STATED UNTIL DEATH DO US PART, BUT IT'S NOT THEIR PLACE TO "DO US PART" It's time to GET OUT!

This is what I DID:
I left my family, including my teenage daughter behind. Went to a State that had a town not on the internet yet, had my name legally changed & found out that a program exists that gives survivors of D V & Violent Crimes New identities, and while doing this I discovered I was pregnant. Not ever wanting to know anything about the crime that was planned to end my life, I took this as a GIFT From God. When he was born & looked just like me I got my confirmation.

During the name change, the Judge involved with my case called me back into her chambers & congratulated me for being so brave. She decided to always allow survivors to use their initials when changing their names & to seal the cases so no one could find them. I certainly didn't feel brave then, but I do now! I am so grateful & honored to have been asked to share my story at all the vigils for the Prevention of Domestic Violence & to be able to make a difference in the lives of future survivors of Domestic violence by talking. Please don't let ANYONE hurt you verbally, emotionally or physically! If it feels wrong it probably is.

Was what I did easy? NO! I Couldn't take my daughter, my college education, my degrees, my work history, I couldn't even take my Blockbuster video account with me. I COULD NEVER GO HOME AGAIN. No weddings, No parties, no going home for the Holidays, no funerals, no birthdays, No high school reunions. Not even my own daughter's graduation & future wedding: NOTHING that linked me to my family or my past!

I had been told in the hospital I couldn't get a new identity or even think about it, because of his Job. It would never benefit. He would always find me, & before I left town, he did. He'd find me through my credit cards, VIN number, phone records He would always know where I was even when I rented a car, he informed me he knew which card I had used to rent the car, what kind it was, what hotel I was at & the spot where the car was parked! I would come home & drawers would be left open, pictures rearranged on my walls, but the doors would always remain locked. It was as if I was CRAZY to think anything was different.

Any one that helped me had this happen to them too!

He let me know that when I was in the coma on life support, I had been finger printed so that I could NEVER work in my profession or go anywhere without him finding me & or knowing where I was. He said it didn't matter where I went he would always be there. This affected even my parents. When my Mom got sick, I knew it was time to take the drastic step that would change my life, as I knew it FOREVER. That is when I put my Survival Plan into action! That was the day I lost my identity, as I knew it� That was the day I died!

It took me four years not to turn when someone called my BIRTH Name! It took me longer not to duck & block my face when anyone reached their arm or hand above my head, which is embarrassing, but a FIGHT OR FLIGHT reflex. I have had to move over 50 times since 2000. In my state, the whole town is covering up. I had to walk away from my married daughter, (I don't get to see her or have a life with her, for her safety & well being) I also have a teen daughter & son. I have a birthday this week & it sickens me to realize that my children have not been able to see their mother much less talk to her all because someone would rather have gotten away with murder then simply granted a divorce!!!???

I am currently in the ADDRESS CONFIDENTIALITY PROGRAM. Nineteen states have statutes authorizing address confidentiality programs. These programs are solely for Survivors of domestic violence or sexual assault. The state entity running the program assigns a "dummy" address or an address at the state office. The entity then forwards my mail to the location of my choice. Most states with address confidentiality programs have created procedures to address court summonses, service of process, and other official mail. They also have provisions for confidentiality of the information, including voter registration. In most states, you can even vote by absentee ballot. Addresses are exempt from publication with state voter registry records.

I want everyone to know there is help available out there. The programs that helped me can help you. The local shelters have trained people there. Law Enforcement is trained to help you. There is HELP. I know that I know that I know if it hadn't been for the Grace of God I would be dead now, & no one would EVER have found me.

So, THE FIRST TIME YOU GET HIT, PUNCHED, KICKED, VERBALLY ABUSED, BITTEN, BEATEN, SLAPPED OR SHOVED SHOULD BE THE LAST TIME. IF YOU ARE AFRAID????? JOIN THE CROWD. DO IT AFRAID! DO IT FOR OTHERS, DO IT FOR YOURSELF! ACT AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT, BECAUSE IT DOES!

My prayers are for all of the survivors present, for the loved ones who have lost people to this crime, & to all the Law Enforcement Officers who deal with this day in & day out Consistently putting their lives in danger. Thank you!

By the way, once the fear has subsided & you are not looking over your shoulder as much anymore, There IS a feeling of NO FEAR. Not having to rush home & make sure everything is perfect. Is a great feeling & to all you Future Survivors, I pray for your safety & Courage each & every day.

Thank You
Ashley

Resources:

- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), 1-800-787-3224 (TDD)
- National Address Confidentiality Program States & Info: http://www.ncsl.org/programs/cyf/dvsurvive.htm (For more information on domestic violence issues, please contact Stephanie Walton in the Denver office at 303.364.7700 or cyf-info@ncsl.org or either Sheri Steisel or Lee Posey in the D.C. office at 202.624.5400 or fedhumserv-info@ncsl.org)
- The Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN): 1-800-656-HOPE (Will automatically transfer you to the rape crisis center nearest you, anywhere in the nation. It can be used as a last resort if people cannot find a domestic violence shelter.)
- U.S. Department of Justice Violence Against Women Office: http://www.usdoj.gov/ovw/
- National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: Phone: 202-745-1211, TTY - (202) 745-2042, http://www.ncadv.org/
- Safe Horizon: 1-800-621-HOPE (4673), http://www.safehorizon.org/
- Faith Trust Institute: 206-634-1903, http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/
- National Network to End Domestic Violence: Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY), http://www.nnedv.org/
- Domestic Violence Resources: http://www.dvresources.org/