Kinds Of Abuse

Domestic Violence

Domestic violence may start when one partner feels the need to control and dominate the other. Abusers may feel this need to control their partner because of low self-esteem, extreme jealousy, difficulties in regulating anger and other strong emotions, or when they feel inferior to the other partner in education and socio-economic background. Some men with very traditional beliefs may think they have the right to control women, and that women aren't equal to men.
This domination then takes the form of emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse. Studies suggest that violent behavior is often caused by an interaction of situational and individual factors. That means that abusers learn violent behavior from their family, people in their community and other cultural influences as they grow up. They may have seen violence often or they may have been victims themselves.

Children who witness or are the victims of violence may learn to believe that violence is a reasonable way to resolve conflict between people. Boys who learn that women are not to be valued or respected and who see violence directed against women are more likely to abuse women when they grow up. Girls who witness domestic violence in their families of origin are more likely to be victimized by their own husbands.

Alcohol and other chemical substances may contribute to violent behavior. A drunk or high person will be less likely to control his or her violent impulses.

This Cycle Has Three Parts:

The Tension Building Phase: Tension builds over common domestic issues like money, children or jobs. Verbal abuse begins. The victim tries to control the situation by pleasing the abuser, giving in or avoiding the abuse. None of these will stop the violence. Eventually, the tension reaches a boiling point and physical abuse begins.

Acute Battering Episode: When the tension peaks, the physical violence begins. It is usually triggered by the presence of an external event or by the abuser's emotional state -- but not by the victim's behavior. This means the start of the battering episode is unpredictable and beyond the victim's control. However, some experts believe that in some cases victims may unconsciously provoke the abuse so they can release the tension, and move on to the honeymoon phase.

The Honey Moon Phase: First, the abuser is ashamed of his behavior. He expresses remorse, tries to minimize the abuse and might even blame it on the partner. He may then exhibit loving, kind behavior followed by apologies, generosity and helpfulness. He will genuinely attempt to convince the partner that the abuse will not happen again. This loving and contrite behavior strengthens the bond between the partners and will probably convince the victim, once again, that leaving the relationship is not necessary.
This cycle continues over and over, and may help explain why victims stay in abusive relationships. The abuse may be terrible, but the promises and generosity of the honeymoon phase give the victim the false belief that everything will be all right.

Domestic violence physically, psychologically and socially effects women, men and their families.

Initially, the abuse is usually an attempt by one partner to exert control through intimidation, fear, verbal abuse and/or threats of violence. Victims of domestic violence may be isolated from friends, family and neighbors and lose their network of social support. With time, the abusive partner, or batterer, may use increasingly severe methods to maintain control. Eventually the violence may lead to serious injury and can result in hospitalization, or death.

Domestic violence robs victims of their fundamental right to maintain control over their own lives. Individuals who are abused live in fear and isolation in the one place they should always feel safe, their home. With tremendous courage and strength, they struggle each day to keep themselves and their children safe.

Child abuse and domestic violence often occur in the same family. Researchers have found that 50 percent to 70 percent of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children.

Children are 1,500 times more likely to be abused in homes where partner abuse occurs. Domestic violence may result in physical injury, psychological harm or neglect of children. There is a definite relationship between family violence and juvenile delinquency. These children have a six times greater chance of committing suicide, 24 percent greater chance committing sexual assault crimes and a 50 percent greater likelihood of abusing drugs and alcohol.

One of the most tragic outcomes of domestic violence is that well more than half of the young men between the ages of 11 and 22 who are in jail for homicide have killed their mother's batterer. Children growing up in violent homes do not need to be physically abused to take on violent and delinquent behavior -- it is enough to witness their mother's abuse

Signs Of Abuse

Individuals involved in an ongoing abusive relationship are more likely to have multiple injuries, repeated bruises and broken bones. They are more likely to have frequent doctor visits, frequent headaches, chronic generalized pain, pelvic pain, frequent vaginal and urinary tract infections, gastrointestinal (stomach and intestine) problems and eating disorders. They may also exhibit more physical symptoms related to stress, anxiety disorders or depression. The locations of injuries in women most commonly include the head, chest, breasts and arms. During pregnancy, the most common locations are the abdomen and the breast.

Are You A Victim?

If you answer yes to any of the questions below, you may be a victim of domestic violence. You may take action and stop abuse by referring to the Guidelines for Victims of Domestic Violence section.

Are you in a relationship in which you have been physically hurt or threatened by your partner?

Has you partner ever hurt your pets or destroyed your clothing, objects in your home or something special to you?

Has your partner ever threatened or abused your children?

Has you partner ever forced you to have sex when you did not want to or does your partner ever force you to engage in sex that makes you feel uncomfortable?

Do you ever feel afraid of your partner?

Has your partner ever prevented you from leaving the house, seeing friends, getting a job or continuing your education?

Has your partner ever used or threatened to use a weapon against you?

Does your partner constantly criticize you and call you names?

Physical Abuse

Someone might wonder why we are even bothering to devote a page to physical abuse. After all there is nothing subtle about hitting. You may think there are no "gray areas" as there are in emotional, economic, psychological and/or verbal abuse. Society says, "I'd leave the minute anyone ever hit me. Is that why a woman doesn't leave an abusive situation until she's been hit?

When women come to get a relief from abuse order they don't realize they've been in a long- term abusive relationship; they were unable to recognize it. There is a power & control wheel which has the physical abuse behaviors around the border of the wheel on the link below. We favor this one to some of the more modified ones which do not include the physical abuse because it mentions behaviors which are very subtle.

A dialogue between a woman and us might go like:
"Has he ever abused you before?"
"No, never."
"Has he ever pulled your hair?"
"Well, one time, but I wasn't looking at him and he wanted my attention."
"Has he ever twisted your arm?"
"Yuh, but he was trying to get me to agree to something and I was being stubborn."
"Has he pinched you?"
Yuh, but he said it was 'love' pinch. It did hurt and I had a black and blue for a week."
"Has he ever tripped you?"
"Did he ever! But he was just playing. I bumped my elbow real bad, though."
"Has he ever kicked you?"
"He does that all of the time and he has steel toed boots too. I've got black and blues up and down my shins."
"Has he ever choked you?"
"One time I was afraid he was going to break my windpipe, he was pressing so hard, but I can't remember right now, but I'd done something really dumb and he got really mad. I thought he was going to kill me."
"Has he ever tried to smother you?"
"You mean with a pillow? He's always fooling around, "pretending" to smother me with a pillow. He says he doesn't hear me yelling to stop. One time I think I even blacked out. I thought I was dead."
"Has he ever slapped you?"
"Sure he'll give me a slap on the arm anytime. Well, now that I think of it, he did slap me across the face a few months ago. But I deserved that, I was mouthing off really bad."
"Has he ever hit you with a closed fist?"
"No, not until last night. I don't know what got into him, he's usually so nice."

But when is a woman to leave an abuser? Just after he twisted her arm, or when he pinches her or trips her? Or when he pulls her hair? Or should she wait til he kicks her or tries to smother her. Or is all this all too petty? When he slaps her? But maybe she "deserved" it? Or should she follow society's rule and leave when he hits her?

Nobody has a right to abuse anyone, ever!

Many women think or believe, that if they are not being physically harmed by their partner, then they are not being abused. This is far from true. If you are in a relationship which is draining something from you... you might not have recognized that your partner is eroding your self-esteem and happiness through verbal, mental, emotional and other forms of abuse.

The following is a list of ways to tell if someone is abusing you without physically touching you:

Discounting: Does the abuser ignore or disparage your feelings? Do they put down your feelings? Do they dismiss you with statements such as, "you're too sensitive" or "you don't have a sense of humour" or "you're just taking it wrong"?

Withholding: Does the abuser stop speaking to you when they're displeased? Do they ignore you? Do they withdraw affection in order to punish you?

Countering: Does the abuser tell you you're wrong if you don't agree with them? Do they argue against your every thought? Do they tell you your feelings are wrong? Do they tell you that you don't know what you're talking about? Do they forbid you from having your own opinions?

Ridicule [Verbal Abuse Disguised as Jokes]: Does the abuser make fun of you? Do they ridicule you regarding subjects about which you are particularly sensitive? Do they seem to enjoy it? Do they accuse you of not being able to take a joke? Do they use sarcasm to put you down?

Blocking and Diverting: Does the abuser change the subject when you try to bring something up? Do they divert serious discussions by accusing you of various things?

Accusing and Blaming: Does the abuser blame you for everything that goes wrong? Do they accuse you of hurting them when you tell them your feelings? Do they accuse you of having affairs? Are they jealous?

Trivializing: Does the abuser belittle what you say? Do they dismiss your feelings or accomplishments? Do they insult you when you express pride in your own abilities? Do they act as if your work is no big deal?

Undermining: Does the abuser squelch your enthusiasm with insensitive comments such as, "You wouldn't understand", or "You'll never make it"? Do they sabotage your ideas by pointing out all the ways in which they might fail? Do they interrupt you when you need time alone?

Threatening: Does the abuser threaten you, overtly or covertly? Do they threaten you with violence? Do the threaten you with emotional pain? Do they threaten you with knives, guns or some other weapon?

Name-calling: Does the abuser use vulgarities to insult you? Do they call you cruel names? Do they use terms of endearment with intense sarcasm?

Forgetting: Does the abuser make a promise and then "forget" to keep it? Do they pretend not to remember certain incidents or discussions? Do they pretend not to remember prior agreements?

Ordering: Does the abuser order you to do something instead of asking? Do they demand things?

Judging and Criticizing: Does the abuser find fault with everything you do? Do they tell you that you "ought to" or "should" do things a certain way?

Denial: Does the abuser deny that certain things happened? Do they tell you that they didn't say something, or that you never saw something occur?

Abusive Anger: Does the abuser erupt into a rage when they are angry? Do they scream, yell, or shout? Do they hurl obscenities? Does their body language become more aggressive? Do they stomp, strut, hit things, or hit you? Do they become red in the face? Do they throw things?

Do they physically get in your way, or follow you from room to room? Do they snap at you? Are they usually irritable? Does all of this usually take place in private, when you are alone? [It's a sure sign things are escalating if the abuser attacks you in public.] Does the abuser blame you for their anger?

Emotional Abuse

Are you anxious and worried about what will happen when you and your significant other are together? Apart?

Are you the subject of name-calling?

Are you the subject of yelling?

Are you the subject of screaming?

Are you the subject of threats?

While these are not all the examples of emotional abuse - they are intended to provide you with a start off point from which to consider your own circumstance. If you determine that you have/are in an abusive relationship - you may wish seek assistance in trying to consider what you should do now. Emotionally abusive relationships can often result in a difficulty with self-advocacy. You have learned at the hands of your abuser to question your self and your value. As you move to make decisions and observations about yourself - you are likely to seek out validation for much of what you think and do.

This is an option you have. You do not have to do this - but you can choose to do this. The most important thing is that you allow yourself the gift and the right to only be in environments that are respectful of you.

One of the most difficult things about emotional abuse is what it "looks" like. Unlike physical abuse - there are no visible scars. Unlike sexual assault - it can be difficult to describe or explain. Unlike verbal abuse - it can sometimes be difficult to know what is happening. But just like all abuse - it hurts. It hurts a lot - it can hurt a long time - and it can cause a great deal of damage to the self-esteem. Emotional abuse can almost seem like the mystery hurt - once in it - you can become so much consumed with it and subsumed by it - that you do not even know what is happening. You can certainly have a hard time naming the experience. Naming the behavior is the first critical step to escaping the behavior - and the trap of low self-regard and hopelessness.

Just what is emotional abuse? It is the ongoing emotional environment created by your abuser for the purposes of control. It's sort of like a search and destroy mission. In this war, the abuser experiences your self-esteem, your individual self, your energy, your ability to feel and question and want and need and be.... as the enemy. Your ability to be separate from your partner - an alive and thinking human being - is what your abuser most fears. At least, that's what it feels like to your abuser. Unable to tolerate you as you are - your abuser sets out to create an artificial self that he/she is then able to mold. The undertow in this dynamic is the abusers low regard for him/her self. His unspoken - intolerable fear the she/he is not "good enough". You are taught to feel and believe all those things the abuser was taught to feel about him/her self.

You become the walking, talking embodiment of fear, anxiety and remorse that she/he has struggled with for much of her/his life.

Here are just a few of the "lessons" an emotionally abusive person can teach:

You are always wrong.

Everything is your fault.

You are of no value in the relationship.

You are intrusive when you ask how your partner's day was.

You are "suspicious" when you question why you have not heard from him/her in the way you usually communicate.

You are so stupid you cannot even _________________ (fill in the blanks).

You are fat, you are stupid, you are ugly, no one wants you, no one likes you.

You cannot handle life without your partner.

You cannot try anything new.

You would not be anyone if you did not have your partner.

You are nagging or stupid if you disagree.

The affair he/she is having is your fault.

All types of abuse leave you frightened. The fear may not be limited to a fear for physical safety. The fear can more amorphous. You know you do not feel strong. You do not feel as if you can take risks. You do not even believe it is acceptable to try.

The abuse can start slowly, and perhaps not even feel like abuse - just a simple "it's all your fault" here and there. Be warned that emotional abuse is often the precursor to more.

Consider this example "I've been married for 26 years ... at first it wasn't really anything but as the years progress ... everything is my fault ... conversation is 0. K. if I can figure out what kind of answer he is looking for ... he has become increasingly physical ... pinning my arms .. to the point of bruises ... pulling my hair ... making me do things that cause me to cry... it only seems to increase his excitement ... sometimes I am really scared because I am afraid that he will break my neck one day."

This writer tells, unfortunately, a classic tale of emotional abuse, then physical abuse, and then sexual abuse. And typically the cycle is that the abuser, at some point, apologizes for the abuse. Then comes the honeymoon period during which things are relatively fine - and then the abuse starts all over again.

People who have grown up in abusive homes can easily duplicate those experiences in their adult lives. If you grew up in an abusive family, you know how frightening and hurtful the experience was. Do all you can to protect yourself and your children in the way that your family did not or could not when you were a child. If you were the victim of abuse as a child - you know only too well how much that hurt - you do not have to reenact your childhood pain in your adult life. You do not have to treat others as you were treated.

Typically abuse, once begun, only escalates. Unless the abuser accepts responsibility for his/her behavior and seeks professional help - it is quite likely the abuse will continue and worsen.

However, if the abused person demands that the abuser participate in counseling or else - even if the abuser agrees to the counseling, it is likely to be short lived. The abuser will be able to benefit from counseling when the abuser believes and acknowledges that counseling is critical to recovery. Why? Until the abuser owns the behavior and his/her obligation to end the abuse, the behavior continues. Sometimes the courts demand counseling. Sometimes the legal weight of mandated counseling does have an effect. Sometimes the awareness that a loved one will leave the relationship in one way or another will jolt the abuser into an acceptance that the behavior must stop. And sometimes not.

"My husband is a very abusive person, We have been married for eight years now and it doesn't get any better and it doesn't improve. ... He calls me a nut, humiliates me in front of my children". The emotional abuse, indeed, so often leads to escalating abuse and feelings of hopelessness.

" I could divorce him, but I can not afford to give up my current lifestyle" When the "current lifestyle" includes violence of any kind - emotional, physical, sexual, verbal - you can not afford not to look for healthier alternatives.

There is help. There is support. No one deserves to be frightened, terrorized or helped to feel hopeless and helpless about themselves and their lives.

Verbal Abuse

Although many people have heard sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us, those who have suffered from verbal abuse know that words do hurt and can be as damaging as physical blows are to the body. The scars from verbal assaults can last for years. They are psychological scars that leave people unsure of themselves, unable to recognize their true value, their talents and sometimes unable to adapt to life’s many challenges.

Except for name-calling many people don't recognize verbal abuse—especially when it comes from a person they believe loves them or from a person they perceive as an authority figure; or when it comes from a person who is in a position of power, for example, one's boss, a family provider, one's parent, or even an older sibling that one has learned to look up to in childhood.

Unfortunately, when people don’t recognize verbal abuse for what it is, they may try to get the person who is putting them down, giving them orders, or “correcting,” denouncing, yelling at or ignoring them to understand them. Or, they may try to stop them by giving it back in kind. In other words, they may act out their anger.

The circumstances under which verbal abuse takes place make a real difference in how to respond to it. In the workplace, for instance, an appropriate response to a very abusive boss might be to prepare a resume or to read the want ads. On the other hand, a child can’t very well escape from an abusive parent and so we, the observers and relatives of the child must be alert and ready to speak up for him or her. Keeping a record and letting others know what is going on are often good first steps.

Since, in the majority of cases, people who indulge in verbal abuse are selective about whom they abuse, many people are surprised to hear that someone is experiencing on-going and periodic abuse from someone they know and have always seen as nice and friendly. “Nice and Friendly” is the persona of many an abuser. Although many folks are as nice and friendly as they seem, some are not.

Mental abuse

Whenever you have a situation in which you have one person
standing in authority over another you have potential for
mental abuse. There are many such situations in society:

- a master standing in authority over a slave
- a boss standing in authority over a worker
- parents standing in authority over children
- a teacher standing in authority over a student
- a husband standing in authority over his wife
- an officer standing in authority over a soldier
- a prison guard standing in authority over a prisoner

The person in authority may be just generally overbearing and
abusive by personality, a person in the habit of riding
roughshod over other people, or he may simply be a person who,
for one reason or another, dislikes someone under him and is
out to make life miserable for them.

What do you do if you find yourself in a situation where you
are the object of abuse by someone over you? The first
inclination is to get out of that situation and away from that
person. However, that is usually not so easy. How does the
slave get away from the master who is abusing him? How does
the child get away from the parent who is abusing him? How
does the soldier get away from the officer who is abusing him?
In these cases it is impossible without doing something illegal
(i.e. it is illegal to just run away). In other cases it may
be possible to get away from the person abusing you but the
cost may be very great and you might not be willing to pay the
cost. What does the wife do who finds herself being abused by
her husband? She could leave him but that may not be an easy
decision. There may be children involved who would be hurt.
She may have no job skills and may fear being caught out in a
cold, unfriendly world, unable to find work, and destitute. Or
else she might fear that even if she found some low paying job
she might find herself at the mercy of some cruel, abusive boss
and be even worse off than with her husband. To leave the case
of the wife being abused by her husband let us ask what an
employee does who finds himself abused by his boss? This is
probably the easiest situation of all to get out from under.
All the employee has to do is find another job. That is easy
to say but not always that easy to do. Finding jobs isn't
always easy. And then there is the risk of the unknown. You
never know what a new job will be like until you get into it.
If you change jobs you may find that you have jumped from the
frying pan into the fire. If you get into a job you can't
handle you could get fired and end up out in that cold,
heartless world with not a soul to help you. And the decision
to take another job may affect other people than just you. You
may have a wife and children who depend on you and who will
suffer along with you if things go awry. As you get older your
ways become routine and settled. Changing jobs may involve
extensive changes in almost every facet of your life and
lifestyle and many people will put up with a great deal of
abuse before they will do it.

As a consequence of all of this people who find themselves the
object of abuse often feel like they are in a trap. They feel
the frustration of being in a corner with no way out. And this
can give rise to violent feelings --- great anger and thoughts
of violence.

Child Abuse & Bullying

Child Abuse Simply Stated

Simply stated, Child abuse is the bad treatment of a child under the age of 18 by a parent, caretaker, someone living in their home or someone who works with or around children. Abuse of a child is anything that causes injury or puts the child in danger of physical injury. Child abuse can be physical (such as burns or broken bones), sexual (such as touching of private parts or incest), or emotional (such as belittling or calling the child names). Neglect happens when a parent or responsible caretaker fails to provide adequate supervision, food, clothing, shelter or other basics for a child. Child abuse is any action (or lack of) which endangers or impairs a child’s physical, mental or emotional health and development. Child abuse occurs in different ways. All forms of abuse and neglect are harmful to the child.

Child Abuse May Be:

Physical - hitting, shaking, burns, human bites, strangulation.
Emotional - constant disapproval, belittling, constant teasing.
Sexual - fondling, the showing of private parts by an adult, sexual intercourse, oral and anal sex, forcing a child to watch while others have sexual intercourse, incest, pornography.
Neglect - absence of adequate food, shelter, emotional and physical security, and medical care.

Physical abuse is any physical injury to a child that is not accidental. Emotional and psychological abuse is when a child is not nurtured and is not provided with love and security.
Psychological abuse occurs when children are not provided with the necessary environment to develop mentally and/or emotionally.

Sexual abuse is when the child is involved in any sexual activity with an adult or another child who is either older or more powerful.

Neglect is depriving a child of their basic needs. These include food, clothing, warmth and shelter, emotional and physical security and protection, medical and dental care, cleanliness, education, and supervision.

You might also call your local child abuse information or reporting number found in your telephone book or through your telephone information service.

What Is Bullying

Bullying can happen in a lot of different places and in a lot of different ways. For example:

threatening e-mails
prank phone calls to your house
name calling
physical attacks
being left out, ignored or treated like you are invisible
having to give up money or personal belongings or to do something you don't want to do to avoid being hurt

Kids who are bullied may feel:

sad
angry
frustrated
afraid
rejected
embarrassed
ashamed
It's normal to have some or all of these feelings. Sometimes kids don't know what to do with these strong feelings and they can interfere with your school or social life.

If you are being bullied, it is important to talk to someone who can help you immediately. Talk to a trusted adult

Why do people bully?

Everyone wants to be liked and have friends. Some kids make friends by being kind and fair but others try to gain friends by controlling or intimidating people who are weaker than them. Bullies tend to pick on kids who are smaller or younger than them. They also pick on kids who they think are more passive, have fewer friends or are easily scared. Sometimes just being different in some small way can be enough to give a bully hurtful ammunition.

How can I stop a bully?

You have to respond to the situation and make decisions about what to do. There are no quick fixes but there are a number of things that you can do:

use humour to help take the bully by surprise
walk away or avoid the bully
try to avoid being alone - look for kids who could be your friends
stand up for yourself, shout, tell the bully to leave you alone
know when to run
if you have trouble connecting with other kids ask an adult to help you learn about and practice social skills
get help from a trusted adult (a parent, teacher, principal, school counsellor, police officer)
Whatever you choose to do, the key thing to keep in mind is that if you do not give the bully the response they want they will get no satisfaction out of tormenting you. And remember, bullying is not your fault!

Parents, teachers, schools and communities are taking bullying more seriously than ever. Talk to them or call Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868. You are not alone.

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