CLEM’s star guests:
Franky Frank Franco (Not
quite as good at computers as clem)
When all the
truth be told – this is the man to blame for clem’s ongoing existence. Naturally he’ll never admit to this
fact.
El Franko as he’s known in the underworld, is said to be the
insect lord with magical powers including a revolving bladed beard.
He performed for us accompanied by his printer “
Solbar the Evil”, which showed he true feelings singing
the line “oh clem I love you, oh clem I do”.
Due
to his foolish work he set Shorty and Mrs. Kliss up with a TV,
box and typewriter. Having pointed them
in the direction of some early developed chat pages, (circa 1997), he
continually complimented the boys on their international insults at breakneck
speed. With Shorty claiming the record
number of rooms to be banned from (as well as all of the unknown universe), El
Franko built Fharey a cardboard box computer to continue disrupting
minds around the globe. A claim often
made by El Franko is that introducing clem to computers actually saved the
world of clem: with more toys to play with – this hampers the process.
The Dude (A mind and face never meant for this world)
With his over
happy demeanour The Dude's much
acclaimed and over glorified introductory appearance to CLEM in the 'Hardcore' video in not to be
missed. With his timepiece affliction
he often lapses into psycho-socio-economic analysis, to bring light to the
works of Nietzsche and Freud/Jung barneys.
This
Dude has a Demi Moore dress sense and is one hell of a 'hot stepper'. Appearing as Construction Worker
Collin he also has a small Cwistopher Biggins
obsession (appearing with Jimi Experience), but aims to overcome this by
undergoing severe medical experimentation involving snakebite and Bisto. Introducing the Wimp Fight
video is said to be one of The Dude's lifetime achievements to date and
future.
MC Stiv (Does he really exist?)
Actual MC Stiv
weekly eats:
Breakfast
everyday - brown bread/boiled ham 
Monday
- belly pork/crisps
Tuesday
- bacon/crisps
Wednesday
- roast beef/crisps
Thursday
- soup/crisps
Friday
- bacon/crisps
Saturday
- soup/crisps
Sunday
- belly pork/crisps
MC
Stiv
is a man of many talents. The song ‘I
Like To Kiss’ is totally devoted to our hero the MC. He sings the lead vocal on the track -
though we haven’t yet told him anything about it. We don’t think he would understand anyway and he’d only barrage Dr.
Bingo with more ‘baked beans in single tins only’ obsessions.
The
guru cheerily got engaged to two ladies who had taken pity enough to talk to him. Having said this he did try and return the
engagement rings to Dr. Bingo’s place of work for a full refund.
Fharey’s first
knowledge of the MC was when Bingo needed a photograph printing
to be placed into a gold locket. The
picture was of a female shop assistants head.
‘Head’ is a loose term though, as only around 20% of her face was
visible - another head with back to camera was obscuring the view over most of
the picture. Having choked with
laughter at been informed this was the MC’s best photo of his
wife-to-be, Fharey produced the locket photo for Bingo. When MC Stiv collected his new gold
locket & chain he is said (in pigeon half English/Latin), to have run to
his beloved’s place of employment to present her the gift any girl would die
for. She may well have come to an early
demise as from that day forth, the lady was never to be (or not) mentioned.
A
proud moment for clem was when MC Stiv appeared in the video to ‘Hardcore’. Dancing around with the camera in his face
didn’t give the game away one bit as he again still doesn’t really know of this
starring existence.
Brother Numsee (The beat & remix king who knows about weather or not)
Using a song
from the highly favoured band Headgear, Numsee and Fingers
produced one of the major moments in CLEM
history: the music to 'Hardcore' . After Bingo
& Fharey had finished song by adding the vocals, Numsee appeared in the video playing his magical invisible drum kit
and orchestra.
Numsee and Fingers then followed up with another
track using the same tactics, which has a working title of 'Say'. Bingo
& Fharey will soon be giving this track a lot of attention with lyric
writing in a punk operatic style.
Look
out for Numsee working his magic in
the superb band Last People On Earth.
Old Rosie (Now perfected a dog laugh)
Wwithout so much
as a thought wrote the music to SOSSOP. Mixed Porn Music with Fharey
as well as performing several of the over excited girly screams. Reported the infamous Lemonade Factory Riots
for the award winning Lemonade News. Currently
developing hopes to produce 'In Stars
Bra's', soon on channel 5
Corduroy Frog (Fast Palms USA)
Owning a far
too heavy knowledge of instruments, clem are forced under daylight to limit
their work with Mr. Frog. Having
recorded in the band ‘Headgear’ with Lite Hand, Corduroy can be
heard in the bass line to ‘Hardcore’. His bass was cut & shut by Fharey and Brother
Numsee to produce the mesmerizing “# dll la la dll la la” etc. There’s something within a memory about him
been happily very handy with nun chucks and summery swords. At clem we never condone the fragrant use of
the English language whether frail lady throwing or counting things are
involved.
Jimi 'Arnold' Experience (Yeah
man)
Our official
Agony Uncle, Jimi can be seen dishing out his own brand of help (based usually
around confusion and bewilderment tactics), in his video casebooks. Spinning around wildly in any chair with
wheels is a favoured pastime until Revenge Of The Nerds 2 returns to our TV
screens.
Appointments
are still available at a very high rate of cost in a monetary sort of a way and
payment. Holding council Jimi almost
helped Collin the Construction Worker overcome his infatuation with Cwistopher
Biggins at Jimi’s surgery. Jimi has categorically stated that he
never wishes to attend a dinner party held by Jamie Oliver in his house and so
therefore never shall. Even if it
wasn't at his house.
Ian The Dog (Warning! Don't ring
him up and only say "NOSE")
Terrible,
out of tune fool with a huge nose what more can I say apart from he can be
heard absolutely ruining 'banana's' and 'khaki pie' a total waste
of space. Stick to painting fences you dog.
He may want to 'borrow' some money off you. He may claim he's paid you when you were drunk. ITD is
fortunately no longer with us after not being fed and then doing a touch of
stalking - before it became unfashionable.
He did ask an ant and a woodlouse if he could borrow that spanner
though. No honest.
He
is a Dirty French Worm and a side
affect of this ailment is a 'to the
death' hatred of bananas.
Complaints were made after he said "that" to my mam, chucked
mud at my washing, wore bright orange shorts and parked his silver plated
caravan in the street one time too many.
Lite Hand (Missing in action)
To make clem appear to have a slice of musical
instrumental talent (quoi?) we employed Lite
Hand to play guitar on ‘Divorced
with child’ and ‘Leachy In The
Land Down Under’.
A smashing job on both accounts, although we couldn’t use him again due
to his talent creeping into our own ability – and that just isn’t right. After all we do strive to lessen ourselves
daily. We do use the word ‘employed’ on
a slant in that he was paid in smoke & tea. Enough for anyone, one would imagine – if one was one.
Reo dj Nero (Dogs and mirrors)
Famously owns a
list of every DJ ever in his magic book, including the likes of Tall Paul, The
Dead One and DJ Sammy. Unknowingly let
his 'Ministry
de Polo' become a late night drinking den and recording studio
recording such hits as Khaki Pie, Tarmac are Plop and Neutered
Cat amongst many others. Fix's
his car mainly with a boot or a hammer because “it worked last time”.
DJ Bum (With his perfected crabs, saliva crawl, camel milking and
golley 'ander)
Mainly
contributed by never Disk Jockeying on a CLEM
track ever 1, 2 & 3. He has though
made one too many an appearance as a 'Chief Barracker' and has also (in the
guise of Bollock Nose), had one two many arguments about his mam. Bruwce Forsaiiyth also had a big
hullabaloo with Ciwwa Bwack when they
met on their assassination missions.
After
his crude (sic) knee ligament damage Dr. Bingo decided the best treatment
was to (against the recipients wishes), knee Bum in the rear of his badly damaged knee.
In
Bingo's defence he only passed
through the passages of space and time to reach this horrific action due to Short Fingers (or someone looking alike
to him), removing the structural design of a car window. In turn Fharey
had only acted in this ungentlemanly manner after he heard the window announce that "Bum's mam had a ridiculous haircut in
1982".
Allegedly
in a board meeting it was decided that the window only did this to confuse CLEM as Mrs Kliss was being transported (against his will by Polar bear),
to far off Japan (after some alien probing naturally). Fharey
was hailed as a hero for defending Bum's
mam's name and honour.
There
is a vicious, malicious, callous, and untoward lie circulating about DJ Bum underground, which states that
he had grown Trev's Trouser Tash on
his top lip. Bum denies this and we don't mention it.
Bum will soon be
documenting his 'Fox Hunting a Fox Hunter
by means of Trials bike'.
LL Cool Titchmarsh (Professor of Vegetable Management with honours)
The Professor can be seen
working for the Open Toed University in their late night crossover
knowledge/sex show, with 100% knowledge and full aural sex. He is continuously working on new food based
management experiments in his lavatory laboratory and will hopefully be sharing
his findings with us soon.
LL Cool also has a biscuit constructed medallion patent and aims to sell his whorehouse full soon after the current lemonade shortages.