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Comedic Classics
_______________ Where to turn when you want to get a good Harry Potter laugh
PLEASE NOTE!:
Some scenes are taken from the latest book titled Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix
From HP and the Sorcerer's Stone
Page 96
Mrs. Weasley speaking to the twins
"Now, you two--this year, you behave yoursleves. If I get one more owl telling me you've -- you've blown up a toilet or--"
"Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet."
"Great idea though, thanks, Mom."
Page 97
They leaned out of the window for her to kiss them good-bye, and their younger sister began to cry.
"Don't cry, Ginny, we'll send you loads of owls."
"We'll send you a Hogwarts toilet seat."
"George!"
"Only joking, Mom."
Page 296
Dumbledore talking to Harry after his first encounter with Voldemort
"What happened down in the dungeons between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret, so, naturally, the whole school knows. I believe your friends Misters Fred and George Weasley were responsible for trying to send you a toilet seat. No doubt they thought it would amuse you. Madam Pomfrey, however, felt it might not be very hygienic, and confiscated it."
From HP and the Prizoner of Azkaban
"HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I - WANT - TO - TALK - TO - HARRY - POTTER -" [said Ron]
[Uncle Dursley replied] "THERE IS NO HARRY POTTER HERE! I DON'T KNOW WHAT SCHOOL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN! DON'T YOU COME NEAR MY FAMILY!"
From HP and the Order of the Pheonix
Pages 633-634
The upshot of it all was that Professor Umbridge spent her first afternoon as headmistress running all over the school answering the summonses of the other teachers, none of whom seemed able to rid their rooms of the fireworks without her. When the final bell rang and the students were heading back to Gryffindor Tower with their bags, Harry saw, with immense satisfaction, a disheveled and soot-blackened Umbridge tottering sweaty-faced from Professor Flitwick's classroom.
"Thank you so much, Professor!" said Professor Flitwick in his squeaky little voice. "I could have got rid of the sparklers myslef, of course, but I wasn't sure whether I had the authority..."
Beaming, he closed his classroom door in her snarling face.
Pages 674-675
"You two," she went on, gazing down at Fred and George, "are about to learn what happens to wrongdoers in my school."
"You know what?" said Fred. "I don't think we are."
He turned to his twin.
"George," said Fred, "I think we've outgrown full-time education."
"Yeah, I've been feeling that way myself," said George lightly.
"Time to test our talents in the real world, d'you reckon?" asked Fred.
"Definately," said George.
And before Umbridge could say a word, they raised their wands and said together, "Accio Brooms!"
Harry heard a loud crash somewhere in the distance. Looking to his left he ducked just in time -- Fred and George's broomsticks, one still trailing the heavy chain and iron peg with which Umbridge had fastened them to the wall, were hurtling along the corridor toward their owners. They turned left, streaked down the stairs, and stopped sharply in front of the twins, the chain clattering loudly on the flagged stone floor.
"We won't be seeing you," Fred told Professor Umbridge, swinging his left over his broomstick.
"Yeah, don't bother to keep in touch," said George, mounting his own.
Fred looked around at the assembled students, and at the silent, watchful crowd.
"If anyone fancies buying a Portable Swamp, as demontrated upstairs, come to number ninety-three, Diagon Alley -- Wealeys' Wizarding Wheezes," he said in a loud voice. "Our new premises!"
"Special discounts to Hogwarts students who swear they
re going to use our products to get rid of this old bat," added George, pointing at Professor Umbridge.
"STOP THEM!" shrieked Umbridge, but it was too late. As the Inquisitorial Squad closed in, Fred and George kicked off from the floor, shooting fifteen feet into the air, the iron peg swinging dangerously below. Fred looked across the hall at the poltergeist bobbing on his level above the crowd.
"Give her heck from us, Peeves!"
And Peeves, whom Harry had never seen take an order from a student before, swept his bellied hat from his head and sprang to a salute as Fred and George wheeled about to a tumultuous applause from the students below and sped out of the open front doors into the glorious sunset.
Pages 869-870
In a confrontation between Mad Eye Moody and Uncle Vernon
Uncle Vernon swelled ominously. His sense of outrage seemed to outweigh even his fear of this bunch of oddballs.
"Are you threatening me, sir?" he said, so loudly that passersby actually turned to stare.
"Yes, I am," said Mad-Eye, who seemed rather pleased that Uncle Vernon had grasped this fact so quickly.
"And do I look like the kind of man who can be intimidated?" barked Uncle Vernon.
"Well..." said Moody, pushing back his bowler hat to reveal his sinisterly revolving magical eye. Uncle Vernon leapt backward in horror and collided painfully with a luggage trolley. "Yes, I'd have to say you do, Dursley."
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