Saint Bodkin’s Church

Saint Bodkin’s parish church is the heart of the village, as it has been for centuries past. Although the church dates back to Saxon times (a small amount of Saxon masonry is still extant at the base of the north wall of the chancel), most of the present building dates from the 12th Century onwards.

Service Times

Services are held three times each Sunday, at 8am, 10am and 4pm. Attendance to two of these services each Sunday is compulsory.

Ritual scourging and excoriation is undertaken during each service on the first Sunday of each month.

Saint Bodkin’s Through the Ages

Like many English parish churches, Saint Bodkin’s has undergone a gradual process of development and renovation down the centuries.

As a result of this continuous development, much of the history of English church architecture can be read in this one building. Architectural highlights include the round-headed Norman arches in the south aisle (displaying some fine dogtooth detailing), the Early English tracery in the windows of the chancel, the Perpendicular windows in the north aisle and the ornate Victorian font.

Saint Bodkin’s church

This process of development and renovation continues down to the present day. Following the recent rededication of the church and its conversion from the Church of England to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal (see below), the current vicar of Saint Bodkin’s is gradually replacing the existing stained glass – which is rich in inappropriate Christian iconography – with modern stained glass windows that depict important episodes in the life of the Great Prophet Noel.

The Vicar’s Unusually Large Organ

Saint Bodkin’s parish church is most famous for its unusually large organ. The current vicar is rightfully proud of the fact that he has the largest organ in Lincolnshire, and never misses out on an opportunity to show it off to anyone who is interested.

The famous Gypping organ is currently in need of extensive – and expensive – restoration, and the current vicar has been a tireless fundraiser to this end. As well as holding a great many fundraising events to raise money for the organ restoration fund, the vicar has received many generous offers of financial aid from kindly benefactors... most of them hailing from West Africa, for some reason.

Conversion to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal

2006 was a momentous year for Saint Bodkin’s parish church, as it saw the conversion of the church and its congregation from the Church of England to the Church of Zeal or no Zeal. This conversion, which came about after a disagreement between the current vicar and the bishop over the design of some hassocks, was welcomed by the vast majority of the congregation. This can be illustrated by the fact that over 90% of the congregation followed the vicar into the new church. Thanks to their own actions, the few recusants who objected to the change in denomination became social pariahs, and most have either moved away from the village or are in the process of doing so.

As a result of this conversion, the vast majority of the villagers now adhere to the writings of the Great Prophet Noel, the founder of the Church of Zeal or no Zeal. As well as enjoying the benefit of ritual scourging and excoriation once a month to rid them of their sins, the congregation prove their loyalty to the church and to the Great Prophet Noel by donating 25% of their earnings to the church and agreeing to leave their entire estates to the Great Prophet Noel after their deaths.

Following the unfortunate and unexpected deaths of some of the village’s largest landowners following the conversion, the Church of Zeal or no Zeal has quickly become one of Gypping in the Marsh’s largest landowners: second in terms of acreage only to the 18th Earl of Gypping, in fact.

Visitors to Saint Bodkin’s will no doubt be impressed by the way in which the old Christian icons and imagery are being seamlessly replaced by icons and imagery of the Great Prophet Noel. Visitors are positively encouraged to inspect the fine, hand-tooled Book of Noel that can be found on the altar. Visiting heretics and non-believers who wish to avoid eternal damnation should contact the vicar, who will be pleased to supply them with an application form and the necessary direct debit forms.