Grumpy Bears pages

                                       The Man Who Wasn’t Blair

                    (And now it’s like he was never hair)

Well, I passed this geezer wiv a manic stare,

Who ‘ad this strange kinda weirdo hair,

I don’t wish to pre-judge or be thought unfair,

But, bugger me, if he wasn’t Blair!

He wasn’t Blair again today,

And Charlie said he had gawn away,

Orf to the very place he was wanted least,

To fan the flames in the Middle East.

And while he watched the villages burn,

The police would pray for his safe return.

Eden and mad Maggie, how we love leaders who fail,

(Don’t cry for me Argentina)

But will he be the first to land in jail?

When the stare, the hair, and the Bair, are dead and gorn,

Only Scherie, and Bushie, and the brewers, will be there to mourn.

Natural Mystery

(Britain first with condom moon landing;

Causing death by dangerous sex)

"Dad how long is a hefferlumps willy?"

"What a question son that's rather silly,"

Even lady hefferlumps don't know for sure,

It moves so fast, it's  just a blur"

" How many condoms would it take to reach the moon?"

"I don't know son, but I hope they get there soon,

Think of all the savings on rocket fuel,

And a condom moon landing would be really cool."

But sex on the moon would require special training,

To prevent unnecessary spraining,

You could shoot twenty feet in the air,

And other astronauts would stand and stare.

"Yes sex on the moon could be great fun,

But a pleasure I leave for you my son

I have enough problems here on earth,

With women of ever- increasing girth.

An essential requirement is climbing gear,

And half a dozen pints of beer:

You could have a nasty fall,

Pole-vault out of the window, and end it all.

..............................................

 "THE ROAD WEST TO 9/11"

Spielberg's new series: - "Who nicked all the poor Injuns' lands

- and didn't they do well ?

His next is: - "Who pinched Palestine,

- and paved the Road to Hell ?"

HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN

( FERGIT THE ALAMO, PARDS, AND REMEMBER THE AMISH )

      CONGRATULATIONS TO THE N.R.A.,

       FIVE  CHILDREN SHOT DEAD IN JUST ONE DAY,

       EVERY  YANK MUST HAVE HIS FUN, 

        EVEN WITH A BUCKING GUN.

       MAD RED-NECKS MUST CUT LOOSE,

      NO MATTER WETHER CHILD OR MOOSE,

     GIVE A GUN TO EVERY PERVERT OR FOOL,

      AND SEND HIM DOWN TO  THE LOCAL SCHOOL.

      AND OH! TO SEE "OLD GLORY" UNFURLED,

      SPREADING DEATH THROUGH-OUT THE WORLD,

     WE'D PUT A GUN IN EVERY HAND,

     AND BRING MAHEM TO EVERY LAND.

   WE'VE KILLED YOUR KIDS WITH BIG MACS, AND SUGARY COKE,

   BUT WE LOVE THE  SMELL OF SWEET GUN SMOKE,

    C'MON AND KISS THOSE OLD GUN LAWS G'BYE,

    DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR CHILDREN DIE?

     AND IF WE PUSH ON TO THE MOON AND MARS,

      WE CAN SHOOT ALIENS AMONG THE STARS.

Fone home

All you holy men leave god alone

And get up off your Knees,

To him all human kind is a virulent disease.

He intends to stop stop the

Pestilence from getting worse.

And spreading its infection

Throughout his universe

By atomic war and global

Warming, your world is going to end.

So why not throw a party and

Maybe  phone a friend

Is The World Going Down the Pan

Writing poetry, can be fun for you,

Even sitting on the loo;

Sad news to shock the nation,

Tony Blair has terminal constipation.

Gorden Brown is keen to know,

Will prunes make poor Tony go?

Cameron, although bereft of any new idea,

Has Chronic verbal diarrhoea.

Bin Laden claims to be gods right hand,

But still has to dig a large hole in the snd,

Bush is too grand to answere nature's call,

And refuses to go at all.

Iknow that I could write much more,

But a desperate soul is hammering on the door.

DYNO-ROD

                     JUST HOW DIFFICULT WAS SEX

                     FOR TYRANNOSAURUS REX

                     DID HE SHOUT OUT  "HELLO PET"

                     WHEN HE AND THE GIRLIE T. FIRST MET,

                     AND DID HE STROKE HER WITH A LOVING PAW,

                     OR WOULD THAT JUST MAKE HER SORE.?

                      WHAT IF HE OFFERED HER HIS HEART,

                       AND SHE GNAWED OFF HIS UNDERPART ?

                       WHAT A SET-BACK THAT COULD BE,

                        FOR HIS SEXUALITY.

                        IF YOU WERE THAT LONG, ARMOUR-PLATED,SPIKY THING,

                        JUST WHAT DID YOU DO, WITH YOUR DING-A-LING ?

                        AND WERE WEDDING GUESTS THE SECOND COURSE?

                        AND DID MANY MARRIAGES END IN DIVORCE?

                        SUCH A SHAME IF TRUE LOVE DID'NT LAST,

                        IN THAT DIM AND DISTANT PAST;

                        THERE IS SO MUCH, WE'LL NEVER KNOW,

                        OF THAT TIME, SO LONG AGO.

       I wish

          The Pitter Patter of Tiny Addicts

      I wish I had some kiddywinks, to roam the streets at night,

     To take lotsa drink and drugs, and scream and shout, and fight

     I know they'll be looked after, when I am old and frail,

    At Her Majesty's Pleasure, safe and warm in Jail

        Its a Roll-Over

    I wish I had a Four-Wheel Drive'

   But would rather keep, the World ALIVE

      WHERE CAN I GET MY POETIC LICENCE  (I Underwear My Baby is Tonight)

   I wish I was a Poet, to speak lines of suicide and death,

  But I could never do it, so I'll just save my breath

  I wish I was a Playwright, to write Plays full of pain and misery

 (and know they would be broadcast - on Radio Four, or Three}

  I wish I could sprinkle fag-ends on a bed, or pickle half a cow,

  I could be an artist - but I don't know how.

  I'm just a plain old working chap, and you can't change who you are,

  So I'll just keep on wearing, my high heels, tights, and bra.

THE  GHOSTS OF HARLEY BANK - STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND

          A walk through rain-soaked streets of stone,

         By myself, but not alone,

        Old dreams whisper in the air,

        Sad ghosts cluster round and stare.

       "Who is this stranger in our town,

        Has he come to tear our houses down ?

        Not I, poor spooks, I love them all,

        I would not see your houses fall.

       But Town Planners wont heed your pain,

       They get big pensions - and retire to Spain,

       What care for those who went before,

       Who lived, and loved, and marched to war.

       Two shags gave lots of cash to spend,

       So why repair, improve or mend?

       Perhaps, when I die, I'll join your throng,

       and add a verse to your haunting song

      Live your dreams, before they fly,

      or they will all escape, and die

PILE DRIVING      

            Can someone please tell me, how you drive piles away ?

            Where is the nearest school, and how much do you pay.?

             Is it difficult, can anybody learn ?

             And is it possible, to do a handbrake turn?

             Of course, piles won't bother you, when your life hangs on a thread,

             Just think of  "The Sound of Music,

             And rent an immigrant, your bed.

             Piles have troubled Man, since he first emerged from the Slime,

             So we'll return to the subject, at another time

    QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION IN CLASS;-

            (1)  Does God get Piles- and is this why we get earthquakes and volcanoes ?

            (2) If there is a God, why do we get disasters like Disneyland ?

     POLITICAL ANALYSIS

           BUSH AND BLAIR, BLAIR AND BUSH !

           OH FOR GODS SAKE, WHATS THE RUSH !

           BLAIR AND BUSH, BUSH AND BLAIR !

           DOES ANYBODY BLOODY CARE !

    GET FITTER, DRINK BITTER (balls of fire)

        So Indolence and corpulence can kill ?

        But why are sportsmen always ill ?

        What use Go-Faster Drugs,

         When all you catch, are Super-Bugs ?

          Always one injury, or another,

          Honestly, I don't think I'll bother.

          All that money must be nice,

          But  who wants his cobblers packed in ice ?

         I think I'll die in comfort here,

         So come on Mother, pass the beer.

    THE CRAPANESE

          Once the Land of the Rising Sun,

          Now the home of the harpoon gun

          They brought torture and slaughter to many lands,

          Again death to the helpless in their hands;

          No lesson to see Nagasaki and Hiroshima burn,

          The nasty little buggers will never learn.

          [Don't forget, when your out driving your motor

           The car in front, is a blood-soaked Toyota]

        THE SILVER STREAM OF TIME

             Can  you tell me, laughing daughter,

             Whats the use of passing water?

             From the bar, the frantic fleeing,

             In stained urinal, desperate peeing,

             Then back again, and foaming tankards quaffing,

             The Landlord, and the brewer, laughing,

             At closing, stagger thro the night,

             A pee on the left, and then on the right,

             Then next payday, we start again,

             Tell me, daughter, is the world insane ?

    AN EXTINCTION OF DISTINCTION

           Believing himself a Child of God

           With all the brains of a rabid dog,

           Reaching out to pollute the Stars

           While killing his world, with his planes and cars.

           Always plotting, always dreaming,

           Not hearing his home world screaming

           Always rockets and warplanes flying,

           Always Politicians lying.

           Not hearing unborn children crying,

           Not seeing his own world dying.

           Just another world dead, another species gone,

           The Universe shrugs, and carries on;

           Mankind gone, but it does'nt matter,

           He was daft as a brush, and mad as a hatter.