Caught In the Avalanche

Okay, so over the years, I've collected a lot of hockey jokes, funny quotes and some top ten style lists that I've found over the internet and been told by other people. They've been sitting around collecting dust, when it occurred to me: Hey! I should share them! So this page is sort of a catchall for amusing hockey-related stuff. If you have something you would like to contribute (jokes, pictures or whatever) please e-mail it to me at Drury18@comcast.net.

 Also, please remember, I didn't come up with these, I just think they're funny. Check back occasionally as I will update and add more.

Updated January 28th, 2008

The man says, “My dog watches all the Kings games on TV. Every time they lose, he lies down and cries his eyes out.”

His friend says, “That’s incredible. What does he do when they win?”

The man replies, “I don’t know, I’ll let you know when it actually happens.”

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Have you heard of the new Red Wings version of Viagra?
-Every time the Red Wings score 18,000 dicks stand up!

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What do the Los Angeles Kings and Lakers have in common?
-Neither can play hockey!

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Edmonton Oilers goalie Dwayne Roloson was so depressed after blowing a 6-0 lead that he jumped in front of the Edmonton team bus – but it went right through is legs!

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What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common?

-They both look good until they hit the ice!

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Why are the Flames like the post office?
-Because they both wear uniforms and don’t deliver!

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St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between a select team from the heavenly host and his own, hand picked boys.

“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven, “but you realize I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”

“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered, “we’ve got all the referees!”

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Did you hear that the LA Kings are getting a new coach? He’s from China, his name is “Winonesoon.”

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Two men, both Vancouver Canucks fans died and were sent down to hell. When they arrived there, the Devil decided to see how they were suffering in hell and found them both having a barbecue and enjoying themselves greatly.

“What’s wrong with you?!” asked the Devil, “you’re supposed to be suffering in the heat down here.”

Replied one of the fans, “We’re from Canada, it’s ****ing cold there for most of the year, so we’re just enjoying the heat.”

Angry, the Devil decided to turn up the heat even more. He returned to find the Vancouver fans enjoying every minute of the heat. Even more frustrated, the Devil decided turn the heat up as far as it would go. He was sure that would make the Vancouver fans suffer, but instead he returned to find them sunbathing.

“What will it take to make these people suffer?” the Devil thought, “wait! I know. Since they don’t mind the heat, maybe the cold will get to them.” So the Devil turned off the heat and Hell began to get colder and colder. Positive that the cold would be the end of the Canucks fans’ happiness he went to see them and to gloat. Much to his shock, he found that they were jumping around, popping the champagne and celebrating.

“What is wrong with you people?” the Devil exclaimed, “It’s freezing cold in here and you’re celebrating! Whatever for?”

“The Canucks just won the Cup!” replied the fans.

“What makes you think that?” asked the Devil.

“Hell finally froze over!”

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Four hockey fans are climbing a mountain together. One is a Flames fan, one is a Canucks fan, one is Red Wings fan and one is an Avalanche fan. As they climb, they argue about whose team is best and who is the biggest fan.

When they get to the top of the mountain, the Flames fan says that he will prove that he’s the biggest fan, so he runs and jumps off the side of the mountain, shouting, “This is for Calgary!” as he falls.

Not to be outdone, the Canucks fan follows suit yelling, “This is for the Nucks!” as he falls.

After the Vancouver fan has become silenced, the Detroit fan and the Avs fan glare at each other. Then the Avalanche fan pushes the Detroit fan off the side of the mountain, proclaiming, “This is for the good of hockey fans everywhere!”

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In Denver, two boys are playing hockey on a pond in City Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it under the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. 

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

“Young Avalanche fan saves friend from vicious animal,” he starts writing in his notebook. 

“But I’m not an Avalanche fan,” the little hero replied.

“Sorry, since we are in Denver, I assumed you were,” said the reporter and starts again, “Little DU hockey fan rescues friend from horrific attack.”

“I’m not a DU fan either,” the boy said.

“I assumed everyone in Denver was either for the Avs or DU. What team do you root for?” the report asked.

 “I’m a Canucks fan,” the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little bastard from Vancouver kills beloved family pet.”

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Steve Yzerman dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by Saint Peter, who shows him around the place. The first stop is to Yzerman’s new house. It is a nice, modest two story structure painted in red and white with a Red Wings logo on the mailbox. Yzerman is satisfied with his new place, although it is a little smaller than what he is used to on Earth. He expresses his satisfaction, and the tour moves on.

Before long, the two men come to a huge mansion, easily five times larger than Yzerman’s house. It is painted in burgundy and blue with huge banners flying over it with the Avalanche logo on them. Yzerman is apoplectic with rage, and shouts, “Why does Joe Sakic have a better house than I do?!”

Saint Peter looks at him calmly and replies, “That isn’t Joe Sakic’s house, it’s God’s!”

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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Detroit Red Wings fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Red Wings fans too. Not really knowing what a Red Wings is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is, however, one exception. A little girl has not gone along with the rest of the class. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. 

“Because, I’m not a Red Wings fan,” she retorts.

“Then,” asks her teacher, “what are you?” 

“I’m a proud Colorado Avalanche fan,” boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the little girl why she is an Avalanche fan. “Well, my Dad and Mom are Avalanche fans, so I’m an Avalanche fan too,” she responds.

The teacher is now angry, “That’s no reason,” she says loudly, “What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot? What would you be then?” 

“Oh,” says the little girl, “Well, then I’d be a Red Wings fan!”

(Some of these are a little dated, but still funny)

Top Ten Advantages About Being a Hockey Goaltender
10. Halloween costume? No problem.
9. Detroit Red Wings goalies look like Santa; can earn extra money during the holidays.
8. Can check out the babes rinkside without them even knowing.
7. Slash all you want, they send someone else to box!
6. Padding gives the impression you’re really buff.
5. Helmet allows you to double as Darth Vader in any upcoming “Star Wars.”
4. Can get inventive nickname like “Eddie”.
3. Flexibility can be useful in other entertainment ventures, if you know what I mean.
2. Bruises can really bring out the color in your eyes.
1. Two words: bigger stick.

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Top Ten Disadvantages About Being a Hockey Goaltender
10. Smart asses that toss beach balls at the net.
9. Letting those beach balls in.
8. Jealous backups that hide your cup, causing “puck castration.”
7. All those annoying death threats from opposition upon stopping a 2 on 1.
6. All those annoying death threats from teammates upon letting in a 2 on 1.
5. All those annoying death threats from fans upon stepping on the ice.
4. Paternity suits from the mother of the Uniroyal man.
3. Being a top-rated NHL goalie, being traded to a cold Canadian city, not getting the money you deserve and having to play in Las Vegas (Curtis Joseph only).
2. The opposite sex just doesn’t understand why you have to wear a mask to bed.
1. When you flip the bird to the ref behind the blocker, they can’t even tell.

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Top Ten Signs That Teammate of Yours May Be a Rookie

10. He wonders when “nap time” is.
9. He thinks being sent down to Las Vegas is a good thing.
8. He thinks “road trips” mean traveling via a bus.
7. Everyone mispronounces his last name and he won’t say anything about it.
6. He thinks preseason games have an “awfully high intensity level.”
5. You find him duct-taped to his locker after practice.
4. He thinks Coach is a “pretty good guy.”
3. He actually follows curfew.
2. He freezes up every time he’s interviewed and says “Uhhh….ummm….uhhh….”
1. He keeps asking, “CAN I DRIVE THE ZAMBONI?! CAN I? HUH? CAN I PLEASE?!!!

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Top Ten Cool Uses for Zambonis

10. Tie rookies up and drag them around the rink.
9. Chasing squirrels around the arena parking lot after practice!
8. Get a couple of them and DRAG!!!
7. Doin’ donuts at the face-off circles.
6. “Just wait until the next time Coach makes me mad!”
5. “Aw Coach, I was just doing my Jeff Gordon impression.”
4. Scaring the heck out of ice level broadcasters and analysts!
3. “I just need to smooth off my lake at home.”
2. Provides a moving target for slap shot practice.
1. Can you say Zamboni girl?!

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Top Ten Fun Things to do if You’re a Goalie (Part One):

10. One word: Salt.
9. Before the game, secretly switch the green and red light bulbs around.
8. Slash, hook, and spear every opposing player who comes within 3 feet of your crease, then point and laugh at your teammates when they have to go to the box for you.
7. After you cover the puck and the ref blows the whistle, quickly put the puck in yoru shorts before the ref can pick it up, then tell him to “come get it.”
6. Moon the goal cam.
5. Get into a shouting match with your stick, then tell the ref you refuse to play until the stick apologizes.
4. If you’re on the bench, start giving away all the sticks on the rack to the fans sitting behind you.
3. Every time an announcement is made over the PA system, drop to your knees and start screaming, “Not the voices again!”
2. Every time the opposing team scores, remove one piece of your equipment.
1. Fill your teammates’ water bottles with vodka and watch the fun.

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Top Ten Fun Things to do if You’re a Goalie (Part Two):

10. Position yourself in front of the goal cam and proceed to scratch your rear end.
9. As soon as the trainers finish putting your equipment on you, say out loud, “Hey you know what astronauts can do right in their suits?” Then watch the fun as they scramble to pull the equipment off again.
8. During a faceoff, stand next to your defenseman as if you’re a skater too.
7. When someone scores a hat trick, grab as many hats off the ice as you can and stuff them in your jersey.
6. Using hockey tape, put a large bull’s eye on your chest.
5. Using hockey tape, put “(insert name of opponent’s enforcer here) sucks” on the back of your teammates’ jerseys.
4. Rub Ben Gay on the inside of your teammates’ cups.
3. Pour crazy glue inside your teammates’ cups.
2. When the trainer isn’t looking, throw a red sock in the washer with the white road jerseys, but make sure you take the Captain’s out so it looks like he did it.
1. Before the game starts, go to the opposing team, start crying and say, “Please, don’t score on me! My coach beats me if I let a puck in!” Then, when the ref comes to take you back to your crease, start screaming, “No! I don’t wanna go! I don’t wanna go!”

Everyone knows hockey coaches can speak in code. Finally, after years of exhaustive study, that code has been broken. Usually, the coach speaks in code when he’s trying sugarcoat his assessment of a player or his team. We now know the difference between “what a coach says” and “what a coach really means.” Here’s a list of the most common “code” phrases used by coaches:

Code: He’s a role player.
Translation: We think he can play a role, we just haven’t figured out what that role is yet.

Code: He’s a “character” guy.
Translation: He makes us laugh, tells jokes, and does impressions.

Code: He’s good in the locker room.
Translation: We should leave him in the locker room because he’s useless on the ice.

Code: He brings intangibles.
Translation: We’re not sure what he brings to the team.

Code: He’s a competitor.
Translation: He competes every night; he just doesn’t win very often.

Code: He’s gritty.
Translation: He needs a bath.

Code: He’s hard-nosed.
Translation: He’s dumb enough to lead with his face.

Code: He gives us physical presence.
Translation: He takes up space.

Code: He’s a technically sound goalie.
Translation: His reflexes are lousy.

Code: He’s a reflex goalie.
Translation: He hasn’t got a clue on how to play the angles.

Code: He’s a power play specialist.
Translation: I like having an extra man out there to cover his screw ups.

Code: He’s a stay-at-home defenseman.
Translation: He can’t skate and carry the puck at the same time.

Code: He’s an offensive defenseman.
Translation: He can’t play defense.

Code: He adds toughness.
Translation: He’s here for two shifts a night and starts fights on both of them.

Code: He’s an all-around player.
Translation: He doesn’t do anything particularly well.

Code: He’s feisty.
Translation: He chirps at the opposition and takes dumb penalties at crucial times.

Code: He’s got experience.
Translation: He’s lost with better teams.

Code: He has tremendous upside.
Translation: He can’t get any worse.

Code: He’s a “project”.
Translation: This guy was abandoned in the jungle as a small boy and taught to play hockey by the family of gorillas who adopted him. And I’m supposed to coach this?

Code: He’s a grinder.
Translation: It’s 50-50 he’ll miss an empty net from three feet.

Code: He’s got good work ethic.
Translation: He works hard but accomplishes little.

Code: He’s a playmaker.
Translation: He better pass because he shoots like my grandmother.

Code: We’ve got good chemistry.
Translation: We may be lousy, but we all get along.

Code: We’re rebuilding.
Translation: We suck this year and we probably will the year after that too.

Code: We’re shaking up the lines to add offense.
Translation: I’m pulling names out of a hat and hoping it works.

Code: We’re letting him see the game from above so he can learn.
Translation: He pissed me off so much last game, I want him as far away from me as possible.

Code: We only had a few bright spots tonight.
Translation: I just watched my career as a coach go right down the drain.

Code: Things are turning around for us right now.
Translation: We don’t suck as much as before, and I can keep my dinner down watching these losers.

Code: He’s our star.
Translation: He can actually play hockey.

Code: We play undisciplined hockey.
Translation: The refs sucked!

Code: We were not as good as we should be.
Translation: How can these high school dropouts get paid millions for that **** they spewed on the ice tonight?!

Code: We need to work harder.
Translation: No all night benders the night before.

Code: He’s an offensive threat.
Translation: He has to reintroduce himself to the goalie and defensemen after an icing.

Code: He’s on offense 100% of the time.
Translation: We have to be careful with this idiot. He’ll score on his own goalie.

Code: It’s an honor just to have gotten to the playoffs.
Translation: I’m not sure how we did it, but you can bet it won’t happen again. And we’re going to get our asses handed to us in the first round.

“What does that C on your jersey stand for? Selfish?”  --Claude Lemieux

“There’s nothing more fun than scoring. *pause* Well, there’s a couple things, but they’re not involved in hockey.”  --Brett Hull

“I don’t think. I’ve told you guys before, goalies don’t think.” –Chris Osgood when asked what he thinks about when he sees Wayne Gretzky coming in on a breakaway

“Goaltending is a normal job. Sure. How would you like it in your job if every time you made a small mistake, a red light went on over your desk and eighteen thousand people stood up and yelled at you?” --Jacques Plant

“Why is a puck called a puck? Because dirty little bastard was taken.” --Goalie Martin Brodeur

“They say something to me sometimes. Bu I don’t understand all the words yet. So I smile at them and then I go score goal.”  --Ilya Kovalchuk when asked if he gets verbally abused by opponents early in his career

“We’ve had some temporary success. We started to think that we’re better than we are. It took us 20 minutes to realize we’re not.”  --Bobby Holik about the Rangers

“Viagra.”  --Steve Yzerman when asked how he kept going strong in his mid-30s

“Now, don’t let this affect your confidence or anything kid, but you really suck.” –Ray Bourque 

“Me, on instant replay.”  --Derek Sanderson when asked to name the greatest player he’d ever seen

“I’m hoping for a bench clearing brawl during the warm up so I can go out and grab his stick.” --Ron Tugnutt on Gretzky’s last game in Canada against the Ottawa Senators

“I just came up from the Canucks dressing room, and believe me Pavel’s groin has never felt better.” --Tom Larscheid  “Uh…I’ll take your word on that, Tommy.”

“All of a sudden, he’s hurt and I’ve got to get the popcorn out of my teeth.” –Robert Esche on being unprepared to replace Bob Essensa during a January, 2000 Coyotes game

P.S. I know when you're not laughing....LAUGH DAMN YOU!