Bridgeford, MA: Tensions ran high here today as a group of several hundred would-be students continued to demonstrate against the university’s use of sleep number as its primary admissions criterion. The demonstrators, mostly Whites, Asians, and Jews, contend that the use of sleep number discriminates against those racial groups who tend to perform poorly in sleep number tests.

University officials maintain that sleep number is simply an objective measurement tool that is helpful in determining future academic performance. “Perfect SAT scores are no use to the student who’s asleep in class,” said university spokesperson Rita Mae Jefferson, “that’s why most of the Ivy League schools are placing more emphasis on sleep number these days. Open any examination preparation guide and it will tell you to get plenty of sleep. Students who sleep well learn well. It’s as simple as that.”

But are today’s universities placing too much emphasis on sleep number? Numerous studies show that some racial groups tend to perform better on sleep number tests than others. Black sleep number scores average about fifteen per cent higher than whites, with people from sub-Saharan Africa doing better still. Asians lag behind whites, while Ashkenazi Jews perform worst of all. Nobody knows why.

Protest leaders point to the case of their cause celebre, Aaron Lehrer, a veteran of Ashkenazi descent, who was denied admittance despite perfect SATs, a Nobel Prize for Literature, an IQ of 193, and numerous community service awards. Mr. Lehrer has difficulty sleeping because of a wound he received under enemy fire while saving a Kuwaiti orphan from an oil-well blaze during the first Gulf War. According to the University’s admissions scoring paradigm, Lehrer would have been an ideal candidate had it not been for his bottom percentile sleep number score, which is given 51 percent of the weight in the final calculation. University officials refused to discuss Lehrer’s case on the record because of ongoing litigation, but off-record they described him as a “pretentious whiner.” They hotly denied allegations of involvement in an alleged booby-trapping of Lehrer’s wheelchair. “He was probably just too tired to be operating that thing safely,” said the source.

Some researchers suggest the use of culture-fair sleep number testing. In this method, whites, Asians and Jews are given more comfortable beds and more secure surroundings, while members of other racial groups are made to sleep under bridges and trees. So far, however, culture-fair testing has failed to raise the sleep number scores of whites, Asians and Jews by a statistically significant amount. Some black supremacist groups have claimed that the elevated sleep number scores of blacks demonstrate that they are harder workers and have cleaner consciences, but mainstream scientists dismiss such claims as premature and point to the need for more data.

Bridgeford officials have allocated thirty scholarships this year specifically for students with low sleep numbers. They have also established a special low-sleep number fraternity house for these students. The Alpha Delta Zzzzz Fraternity House is completely pillowed throughout and relaxing New Age music is perpetually fed into the building from 1600 microscopic speakers. Tranquilizers are available at a nickel a dose from the eight vending machines. Protestors say that this is a classic case of too little too late and point to the fraternity’s high suicide rate, which is 238 times the national average.

“Race has no standing from a scientific perspective,” said Dr. John Rosedale of the Center for Scientific Race Studies, whose government-funded organization has spent twelve billion dollars studying race over the past thirty years. “I agree,” said Jefferson, gazing thoughtfully at a pretty Asian protestor who was struggling to remove her hand from the mouth of a police dog, “All you really see here are a collection of troubled individuals who happen to have low sleep numbers. There are plenty of community colleges and other institutions that will accept such people, but as a school of excellence we have to adhere to standards. There is no excellence without standards. Whites? Asians? Ashkenazi Jews? Science has proven that none of these groups exist, so what the hell do they all think they’re doing blocking up our entranceways?”

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