May 31, 2003 – AM

From the Vault:

An ardent gravedigger named Dirk
Loved Mrs. Elizabeth Burke
But meeting rejection
To curb his dejection
He threw himself into his work


Here’s a strange thing: the Bible illustrated in Lego. Worth a peek.

May 30, 2003 – AM

From the Vault:

There’s a girl who's a charm and delight
For she laughs at each quip that I write
And for this I’d endeavor
To say she’s extra clever
But she may just be extra polite


My promised comments on Rabbit Run by John Updike: I admit that it’s a fine piece of work for an author as young as Updike was when he wrote it, but beyond that I do not find this novel particularly commendable. It may have been risqué in 1960, but in 2003 it neither informs nor entertains. Perhaps the sequels were outstanding enough to justify the first installment; not that it’s so very bad, just that it is unexceptional. The protagonist, Harry Angstrom, is simply too shallow for me to care what happens to him. I assume this was supposed to be a book about ordinary working people, but I put it to you that ordinary people are nowhere near as dull as the characters in this novel. Angstrom has plenty of ennui but not enough angst to give him spice. It is a common paradox of fiction that the more outlandish characters are more convincing than the Everyman types. It may be that the former tend to be drawn rather directly from life while the latter are painstakingly distilled from it. And we all know what distillation does to the taste of water. So I turn to Samuel Butler’s The Way of All Flesh for my next audio, read by Frederick Davidson who, in spite of an unpleasant Kenneth Williams-style nasal quality to his voice, is simply a splendid reader.

May 29, 2003 - AM

I have tried in this article to explain my fundamental misgivings about the EU and the UN. Here’s an extract:

The EU and the UN are like multinational cults, presenting a vision of the Kingdom but demonstrating no evidence whatsoever of an ability to actually build it. They are coalitions of the billing that get to invoice governments for moneys that they themselves spend, sometimes in ludicrous ways. Those who do not cooperate with dubious international projects that are based on unjust assumptions and poorly grounded suppositions, or those who take independent action for the common good, are accused of being bad international citizens. the rest

From the Vault:

I awoke late last night in my bed
With a grandiose scheme in my head
For ascending Mount Everest
But it wasn't my cleverest
So I went to the bathroom instead


The 50th anniversary of Hillary and Norgay's ascent of Everest. And Bob Hope's 100th birthday. HAPPY D.O.B, BOB! There's a tribute here.

May 28, 2003 - AM

From the Children's Vault:

"I talk," claimed a linguist named Hamill
"With every species of mammal"
When asked for a reference
He said, "What's your preference?
My mother-in-law, or my camel?"


The cure for work has at last been found. You can now get a fresh New Yorker cartoon flashed to your desktop every thirty seconds. Go here and click on the Cartoon Channel link toward the bottom right.

May 27, 2003 - AM

There once was an old lump of platinum
That made people think they'd less fatinum
In spite of fine dining
Their stats were declining
But researchers smelt out a ratinum


The above limerick probably won't make much sense to you unless you've read this fascinating article from the New York Times.

From the Vault:

A notorious bandit named Corliss
Was persistently homeless and lawless
But was punished at last
And the noose traveled fast
For his roofless life's end was quite floorless


From the absurd to the abhorrent: today is the 63rd anniversary of the Paradis Massacre. From the History Channel site:

" ... the British regiment was ordered by an English-speaking German officer to an open field where they were searched and divested of everything from gas masks to cigarettes. They were then marched into a pit where machine guns had been placed in fixed positions. The German order came: "Fire!" Those Brits who survived the machine-gun fire were either stabbed to death with bayonets or shot dead with pistols. Of the 99 members of the regiment, only two survived ... "

I found this event particularly shocking because it happened so very early in the war (May 27 1940, while British forces were being evacuated from Dunkirk, 50 miles away), and because I had never heard of it until yesterday. See Pooley's Revenge for more.

May 26, 2003 - AM

From the Vault:

There was a collector named Otto
Who bought an expensive Giotto
Which he hung on his wall
And would point out to all
Saying, "Don't go to auctions when blotto"

How much prison time would you face under British law, you sordid little reprobate? Take this online test and find out.

May 25, 2003 - PM

It's time to shout "Yip, Yip, yippeeeee!"
And drink 'til you're weak at the knee
And beat your tom tom
For free-webs-dot-com
For at last we've become pop-up free!

Tonight, I finally got this page redirected to a free host that doesn't have pop-ups. Please be patient if you notice any links that I did not update yet. Now all I need is to find a functioning free-comments provider and world domination will finally be within my grasp.

May 25, 2003 - AM

From the Vault:

A famed psychiatrical Dr.
Consulted at 2 with Miss Pr.
She told him her fears
And shed a few tears
And by 3.15 he'd de-fr.

May 24, 2003 - PM

The new Euro vision looks fair
And seems to impress Tony Blair
But behind all the dealings
Are the same petty feelings
That the old Eurovision laid bare

Tonight, the UK was snubbed by the rest of Europe when it was given zero votes in the Eurovision Song Contest, in a thinly veiled protest against Tony Blair's support for the overthrow of wicked bastard Saddam Hussein. Not very subtle. Maybe we can consider joining Europe when Europe has grown up a little.

There once was a man of Nepal
Who declared, "I have seen through it all,
I shall sit on my bum
And not even chew gum
And shall think and do nothing at all"

Courtesy of the Times of London, Buddhism: Better Living Through Chemistry

Schroder said to Chirac, "entre nous,
I hear Britain's surrendering too,
For they don't know our game"
But the clue's in the name
Why not try to pronounce it? "Eeeeeeeee Yuuuuugh"

Tony Blair has behaved admirably in contributing to the overthrow of the sadistic Hussein regime, but if the past few months have taught us Brits anything it ought to have taught us that surrendering even more of our national sovereignty to the EU would be an inexcusable disaster, not just politically and economically, but, more importantly, morally. This article from Frontpage Magazine spells out the potential pitfalls for traditional British liberties of submitting to a written constitution imposed by Europe.

May 24, 2003 - AM

From the Vault:

Each year in the great state of KS
The birdsong of Spring inspires sTS
Then Summer sun TS
The gray Fall sky sPS
And last the cold Winter wind FS

Today being Bob Dylan's birthday, I refer you to a rather zany tribute: Mary Lee's Corvette's splendidly audacious live re-recording of the entire Blood On the Tracks album, which is legally available in its entirety for online listening.

May 23, 2003 - AM

Tommy Franks mustard strength in his soul
"Avoiding the press is my goal
When our mission's fulfilled
We Franks hate to be grilled
We just like to go out on a roll"

Perhaps this would make a good retirement gift for the general. Look around the site, there's plenty of other possibilities.

May 22, 2003 - AM

From the Vault

A pious old couple named Rand
Placed a statue of Christ on their land
But the heirs to the home
Substituted a gnome
Then they put up the price by ten grand


Today is my ten-year-old son-s last day at the school he has attended for five years. He does not know this.

He'll go to school today, just like any other. He won't know it's his last day. When he comes home this afternoon, he won't know that today was his last day. He'll start a new school and wonder why. Maybe some months from now, it will gradually dawn on him that he's never going back to the old school again. MORE

May 21, 2003 - PM

From the Children's Vault

If you're lacking a little good cheer
Go and tickle a bull in the rear
For I'm sure that the rumor
That they've no sense of humor
Is a product of ignorant fear

Today is the anniversary of famous flights by Charles Lindbergh and Amelia Earhart: a good time to remember the first fliers to cross the Atlantic, the undercelebrated A C Read and his crew, who made the crossing in May, 1919.

May 21, 2003 - AM

From the Vault

An edgy young housewife in Boise
Had a husband whose snoring was noisy
She could not face such woe
So she quit Ida-ho
And returned home to Mom in New Joisy

May 20, 2003 - AM

From the Vault

A grisly bear hirsute and hunky
Said, "Cubs, don't the humans look funky?
I bet they taste sweet
But do not touch the meat
It's genetic'lly modified monkey"

Environmental News of the Day: Third Type of Chimp found in lab (wearing a white coat)

Environmental News of the Year: Overfished and Underreported. This story is massive, but you won?t be hearing much about it just yet. It caught everybody by surprise and our opinion leaders are waiting to find out what they're supposed to think about it. I predict the disappearing fish story will become much more prominent soon enough. A less important story about an environmental issue that had more political force would have been given much more impressive billing.

Fighting Nature Tooth and Claw: Today is Cher's birthday. Here's one of her big hits that I recently updated:

I Got Ebay

You think I'm young and I don't know
But you'll find out when you get home
You just won't know until I'm through
I'm selling all the things belong to you
Babe
I got ebay I got ebay
You never help with food or rent
Before it's earned, my money's all been spent
I'll make it so you don't have a pot
And I'll make bucks from all the things you've got
Babe
I got ebay I got ebay
I got photos of your things, and I've auctioned off your ring
Now you've been had, now you're the clown
And I don't care, and I'll never be found
So if you say my hair's all wrong
I won't be there for you to string along
Without all of your crap to mind
I'll bank the bucks and you'll be left behind
Babe
I got ebay I got ebay
I got used just like you planned
I got you now, understand?
I got used but now I'm free
I got used - Where's your TV?
I got used but this will pass
I got used so kiss my ass
I got used, but I've let go
I got you now, don't you know?
I got ebay
I got ebay
I got ebay
I got ebay
I got ebay


You can read my other song parodies here.

May 19, 2003 - AM

Said the Second King George with a sigh-o
"Today I'm inventing Ohio
It's a marvelous chance
To antagonize France
And will look bloody great in my bio"


King George II granted a charter to the Ohio Company on May 19, 1749, authorizing a settlement that became one of the main causes of the Seven Years War between Britain and France.

Sarah Key's site has a very humorous explanation of what it means to be an authentic blues singer, called Fixin To Die.

May 18, 2003 - AM

From the Vault

On this wonderful day of your birth
I now pledge before Heaven and Earth
That I'll bring you a cart
Filled with love from my heart
-- Well, you can't always get what you're worth


This Shakespeare site is a fine example of a web site that is both fun and educational.

May 17, 2003 - AM

The crew of the famous Thor Heyerdahl
Lamented, "We're just far too teyerdahl
Why on earth did you hire us?
We can't sail a papyrus!"
But he shouted, "Shut up, or you're feyerdahl"

Thor Heyerdahl set sail from Morocco, en route to Barbados, in a boat made of papyrus on this day in 1970.

He proposed out of doors, suitor Ed
With a poem he'd written, which said:
"Love, I've no Diamond ring
But the Heart - that's the thing"
Then the Club from her Spade knocked him dead


The Old Bailey has a fascinating web site where you can plug in names and find out what kinds of foul crimes your naughty ancestors were committing 300 years ago.

May 16, 2003 - AM

There once was a lady named Dench
Who was so very fond of the French
That one steamy July
She flew off to Versailles
And surrendered on ev'ry park bench

Today is the 233rd wedding anniversary of Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, who later gained fame as the first Continental princess to go topless (a phenomenon that didn't catch on until the last quarter of the 20th Century). So today, we celebrate with a brief appeal to America for compassion toward the French.

As an Englishman, I'm somewhat shocked by the recent tendency by Americans to take French foreign policy seriously, and personally. Please do not be offended by French foreign policy: it is only about themselves and their own national anxieties and insecurities, and has nothing to do with what they really feel about other countries. French foreign policy since World War II is this: independence for its own sake, or, put more simply still, neurotic independence (you can tell I'm English because I can't resist putting commas on both sides of "or".).

The French have not won a major war in two hundred years. They fear loss of prestige as expressed in political and cultural power. They persist in two hopeless causes: the honoring of Napoleon, a despicable bastard who wasted tens of thousands of French lives; and conservatism in language, which is always a dead-end street. Their suffering is neurotic because it is unnecessary: France's greatest cultural achievements, like those of Athens, are stamped indelibly on world civilization. So, good people of America, next time you're making fun of the French around the office water cooler, please remember not to take them too seriously.

May 15, 2003 - AM

A crafty reporter named Blair
Resigned when the facts were laid bare
But the reckless display
By his colleagues who stay
Is pernicious beyond all compare


Patrick E. Tyler's claim, broadcast throughout the Arab World, that American forces planned to start shooting looters was more outrageously negligent and did more real harm than anything Jayson Blair could have dreamed up in a month of Sundays.

Take these words from Tyler's column in yesterday's New York Times: "But imposing measures that call for the possible killing of young, unemployed or desperate Iraqis for looting appears to carry a certain level of risk because of the volatile sentiments in the streets here." What kind of English is represented by a phrase like "call for the possible killing"? Can you imagine John Gotti calling "for the possible killing" of someone? Such a phrase occurs because a reporter wants to write something inflammatory (that the U.S. is calling for looters to be killed) while simultaneously covering his objective journalistic ass (only calling for their "possible" killing). Yet, the rest of the sentence quoted above clearly shows that the writer knew that the very story that he was in the process of writing would "carry a certain level of risk because of the volatile sentiments in the streets." And all based on an alleged offhand remark by an unnamed official of undisclosed rank. Yet Tyler describes the "new rules" as a fact that the Iraqis will somehow "be informed of."

So did today's New York Times apologize for the inflammatory way in which Tyler presented this piece of gossip? For inventing a "policy" which, by the paper's own admission, would further increase hatred of America in the Arab world, and do so in the immediate wake of the devastating Saudi attacks? Not at all. After the U.S. military officially announced that no such policy had ever been planned, the Times ran a piece by Bob Herbert stating that, "By late yesterday afternoon the administration seemed to be backing away from this crazy policy." Come back Jayson, all is forgiven. At least you weren't risking the lives of innocent Americans abroad in your quest for a scoop.

May 14, 2003 - AM

From the Vault

An unfortunate fellow named Ted
Burned to death due to smoking in bed
So, I asked his poor Mum,
"Was Ted always this dumb?"
"He was just razed that way, dear," she said


Today I have declared Lunatic Fringe Appreciation Day, where we take time out to pay our respects to loopy politicians. We start with His Honour, the Mayor of Chaffley, whose roving reporter's synopsis of the recent war is required reading. We then pass even further out of the loop to none other than Tony Benn Himself (Peace Be Upon Him), who has contributed this brief piece on the Levellers to the BBC's History Reading Room. Hint: if you hunt around there a little, you'll find that the BBC actually has one of the best web sites in the world.

May 13, 2003 - AM

From the Vault

A very flat lady from Cheddar
Was passed through the new office shredder
By a curious boss
A significant loss
C o m i n g o u t s h e
c o u l d n o t h a v e
b e e n d e a d e r

Today's assignment is to become an expert on Australia, well sort of . . . Or, if you just want to know the true purpose of life on earth, click here


May 12, 2003 - PM

The Whipple Family Saga

There once was a fellow named Whipple
Who'd always had only one nipple
On his honeymoon night
His bride cried out for fright
"God help me! I've married a cripple"
The rest of the story is fate
Their daughter displayed the same trait
So they moved her by force
To Vegas, of course,
Where she got lots of help from the state
For they said "She's disabled for sure
And it's clear that her prospects are poor
For the kind of display
That makes bucks down our way
She's entitled at least to one more"
So they paid for her surgery there
And at last she is blessed with a pair
And the one from her op
Can spin round like a top
A display both rewarding and rare

May 12, 2003 - AM

From the Vault

In the village of Jingamafloo
They don't look at the world like we do
When a gentleman dies
His dear wife shouts, "Surprise!
Now we'll all get a little more stew"

Today is Limerick Day in the US and the first day of Autism Week in the UK. No, I have no idea who decides such things. The following article is yer absolute proof that truth is stranger than fiction. When I first read it, I thought it was a good piece of satire, but I later realized that it wasn't satire at all. Here it is.

Last night on MSNBC, Christy Mustumeci described the escape of a trapped hiker as "miraculous" even though he had to cut off his own arm with a pen knife in order to free himself. That loud thunderclap you heard last night was God blowing his brains out in despair.

May 11, 2003 - AM

Stranger than fiction:

Cannily, artfully
Piero Manzoni
Brings fifty grand for a
Tin full of poop
Silly Tate Gallery
Unsanitarily
Flushing the bucks away
Here's the poop scoop

Be assured that this next one really is fiction:

A student from Texas named Bess
Passed Drama but failed to impress
She said, "It was hard
To master the Bard
But all's swell that ends swell, I guess"

May 9, 2003 - AM

This away, that away
Large Item Pick-Up Day
It's the one Holy Day
Worthy of care
Offering furniture
Unsentimentally
Grateful to curbside gods
Steadfast and fair

Yippee! Tomorrow is the one Holy Day left on the Lester family calendar. I refer of course to "Large Item Pick-Up Day," when the town's losers get to drag out all the loser furniture that their underparented children have destroyed over the past year. I look forward to Large Item Pick-Up Day with fear and trembling. It is the cathartic highlight of my year - drag out the old, drag in the new! Yet the liturgy for this particular festival is surprisingly sparse, so I offer the above dactyl, in gratitude to those Gods of the Curbside, Who accept all our crap without anger or comment, and Who thereby set an excellent example from which more famous deities could learn much. The tricky theological question of whether or not the crops would continue to grow if we ever stopped feeding Them furniture, I leave for the more spiritually attuned.

Meanwhile, I recommend you check out this study on strategies for avoiding Spam email.

May 8, 2003 - AM
Margaret Drabble, who did such an excellent job on the Oxford Companion to English Literature, is the latest celebrity to fall victim to that strange virus (recently identified as LARS) that makes pacifists hate other people (usually Americans), see here.

There once was a lady named Drabble
Whose words on the war were pure babble
With her pacifist view
She did not have a Clue
But she fought like the Devil at Scrabble

(Technical info: the game called Cluedo in Britain is called Clue in the States)

On a more serious note, here's an article about a real issue - the plight of American women trapped inside the anachronistic horror that is shariah

May 4, 2003 - AM

A Doubleyou Dactyl:

danger-zone danger-zone
president doubleyou
speck in the atmosphere
moves with a whoosh
getting much bigger now
incontrovertibly
turns out it isn't a
bird, it's a Bush

May 3, 2003 - PM