There was once an amasser of wealth
Who was told, “This will not bring you health.”
He was told it a lot
So he had the man shot,
And that pretty much speaks for itself.
If your prose meets an uncertain junction;
Should you pause, or press on? Such compunction!
Don’t let sentences roll on --
Use your semi; or colon:
The compliments form pays to function.
There was once a black widow named Janet
Who buried twelve husbands in granite.
When they asked how she pled,
She just giggled and said:
“Well, it can’t be coincidence, can it?”
There was once a young plumber of Reading,
Who arrived with blotched skin at his wedding:
“I’m sorry,” he said,
“If my face is all red,
It’s because of those lyes folks are spreading.”
The teacher of Andrew McKay
Said, “Boy, there’s a spot in your eye!
The doctor, no doubt,
Must dig the thing out,”
Which made that poor spot start to cry.
“To the office,” she yelled, “You must fly,”
To which Andrew was bound to comply,
But pretty nurse Finkle
Said, “It’s only a twinkle,
And you’ll lose it, alas, by and by.”
Said the ceiling one night to the floor,
“Oh, how sweetly you lie, mon amour!
In your carpet so fine,
Let us flee! Please be mine!”
Come the day, they’d eloped through the door.
There once was a bee who ho-hummingly
Was bumbling around unbecomingly,
But his unlawful buzz
Was made known to the fuzz,
Who arrived shouting “Sting!” most bee-numbingly.
A drunken old Japanese gent
On a dare drank a quart of cement.
He awoke filled with shame,
Hari kari his aim,
But he found he could not make a dent
A famed psychiatrical Dr.
Consulted at 2 with Miss Pr.
She told him her fears,
And she kept shedding tears,
So he got the machine out and shr.
At times I’m so mad that I’m hopping.
My angriness sets my veins popping.
I lament and I curse,
With swearwords diverse,
But my wife does much worse: she goes shopping.
The sight of Death Row makes one numb,
And life there at best is humdrum.
The inmates all say
That they’ve longed for a Stay,
Yet they wish that they never had come.
There was an old judge named McCoy
Whose manners were those of a boy.
If a fart should be heard, Gravitas was deferred,
While His Honor exploded with joy.
Ms. Britney, or so it appears,
Has insured her behind for some years.
Paying late's what she fears:
She hates hearing, "Ms. Spears,
Your rear's in arrears," in 'er ears.
S.O.Bs like to buy S.U.Vs
But they drive them however they please.
If we get in their way,
We end up D.O.A.,
And that really P.O.s E.M.Ts.
A blonde-haired young lady from Wales
Applied for a job tracking sales.
When they asked, “Can you file?”
She proceeded to smile,
And held up ten pretty red nails.
A star (there’s no need to name names)
Was beset by paternity claims.
He said, “I don’t know why,
But asbestos I try,
I just keep getting burned by old flames.”
When I dwelt with the Lullapaloons,
We would dance upon all the full moons
To songs that were played
On blue drums that they'd made
From the buttocks of certain baboons.
A gentleman from Argentina
Poured scotch down his best carpet cleaner.
The cleaner stopped cold,
Then fell down and rolled,
And ever since then no one’s seen ‘er.
The jester of Amalek's dead.
The Israelites chopped off his head.
His last witty thing
Was to point at the king:
"That's Saul, folks!" — the last words he said.
A banquet preparer named Vye
Lost her brightest assistant, here’s why:
She cobblered his mind
When she told him “Please find
Twenty-two hundred places for pie.”
An aide to old Senator Dale
Choked on ice and became rather pale.
Said old Dale, “I do think
I’ll add some to my drink,
So that what ails my aide aids my ale.”
A coven of witches in Crewe
Makes a very fine Anglican stew:
Boil 'em up, let 'em thicken
And they taste just like Wiccan,
But you get them in bulk, by the pew!
It was put to a hangman named Keeling,
“Do you not find your work unappealing?
You must find it quite frightful”
He said, “No, it's delightful,
When it's done with the right sort of feeling.”
My wife and I think that we’ve got
To be buried in one single plot,
But it’s rather a shame
How we argue whose name
Should be carved in the uppermost spot.
Feeling dizzy, lightheaded and faint?
Then you're either in love or you ain't.
If your heart's not aglow,
To a doctor please go,
For you must have some lesser complaint.
A receptionist charming and slight
Ate a submarine sandwich each night.
They were so low in fat
She said, “How about that?
How can something so long be so light?”
The Whipple Family Saga
There once was a fellow named Whipple
Who'd always had only one nipple.
On his honeymoon night,
His bride cried out for fright,
"God help me! I've married a cripple."
The rest of the story is fate.
Their daughter displayed the same trait,
So they moved her by force
To Vegas, of course,
Where she got lots of help from the state.
For they said "She's disabled for sure
And it's clear that her prospects are poor,
For the kind of display
That makes bucks down our way
She's entitled at least to one more."
So they paid for her surgery there
And at last she is blessed with a pair,
And the one from her op
Can spin round like a top,
A display both rewarding and rare.
Caution: read zebra in English accent:
A cloning researcher named Debra
Mixed some French DNA with some zebra.
The result was a foal
With an angst-ridden soul:
It’s a stripy bereted cause célèbre.
You are welcome to repost any of my limericks that I have posted here on your web page as long as you clearly credit me – Graham Lester – as the author