In the village of Jingamafloo,
They don’t look at the world like we do.
When a gentleman dies
His dear wife shouts, “Surprise!
Now we’ll all get a little more stew.”


We once had a tomcat named Liam
And goldfish, he sure loved to see ‘em;
And though he but purred,
We quickly inferred
That his motto was this: “carpe diem.”


A solipsist aired his contention
To peers at a recent convention.
He cried, “It’s quite clear
That you’re really not here,
But you bastards just don’t pay attention.”


A blue-collar worker named Ray
Just married a girl from Bombay.
He gave her a kiss
And declared, “Wedded bliss!
I’ve outsourced my inlaws away.”


The blow torch or blowlamp’s amazing
For soldering, melting, or brazing,
But I heard from the Sarge
That it’s thought by and large
To be “over the top” for a hazing.


Bilingual’s the right kind of ed
To ensure our six kids get ahead.
There’s no English allowed
In our home -- we are proud
To speak Klingon and Elvish instead.


For that cow, little dog cries a lot
(Jumped the moon, broke her leg, and was shot).
Now the dish is soon due,
But the spoon long since flew
With a saucepan he thought was more hot.


An old British justice named Glover
Once murdered his wife and her lover.
A clue was then found:
His wig on the ground!
But you can't book a judge by his cover.


My afflictedness causes despair.
I've a notion to tear out my hair.
Can I launch an appeal?
They just served my last meal,
And the Warden forgot my éclair.


Billy turned to his true love and said,
“I can shoot off this pear from your head.”
Then he missed by a hair,
But he still split a pair,
For there’s lead in the miss he misled.


Professors earn far less I’m sure
Than porn stars, and here’s the wherefore:
The crux of the matter
Is just that the latter
Must publish an awful lot more.


Frugality, that is the key,
So I'm not quite as choosy as she.
"Fine wines and ballet—
Who needs them?" I say,
"When there's Kool-Aid with gin, and TV?"


It’s a custom in some foreign parts
To say “Bless you” when somebody farts,
But they’ve learned those who sneeze
Are a source of disease,
So they prudently cut out their hearts.


A gambler in debt far too deep
Was needing a way to live cheap,
So he planted by hand
Lots of crops on his land.
Now he just has to weed ‘em and reap.


“Appeals to authority are
Just worthless,” said Doctor LeBar,
“So if I drive astray
I do not ask the way:
I sit there and curse at my car.”


See the Moon in the sky as it waxes;
Feel the warm tranquil wind that relaxes;
Turn and give me your smile
On our Paradise Isle;
Say you love your avoider of taxes.


Said a gifted young thinker named Bond,
Who was asked to explain the Beyond:
“Life is cute but absurd
And from this I’ve inferred
That the Lord of Creation is blonde.”


An lady named Eleanor Macky
Said, “Isn’t society wacky?
Brass trimmings, I’m told,
Are cheaper than gold,
But they sure don’t look nearly as tacky.”


I awoke late last night in my bed
With a grandiose scheme in my head
For ascending Mount Everest,
But it wasn’t my cleverest,
So I went to the bathroom instead.


Aloof types are never the sweetest.
It’s clear that avoiding them’s meetest,
So give them the snub,
And apply for my club:
We’re unbendingly antielitist.


There is nothing amiss in a nude
When her form’s art historically viewed
In a Klimt or Picasso,
But in clubs in El Paso
There's a form of a miss we’d exclude.


“This looks like two squid on two bikes,”
Said the surgeon of poor Michael Sykes,
As he held up the tumor
(He just loved stand-up humor
And could never resist open Mikes).


There once was a man of Nepal
Who declared, "I have seen through it all.
I shall sit on my bum
And not even chew gum
And shall think and do nothing at all."


A hapless young bridegroom called Jake
Had a shock that few mortals could take.
He was feeling quite hearty
At his bachelor party,
Then his mother jumped out of the cake.


Won’t you please use the word sense requires
To precisely explain your desires.
When you put on a wheel,
You’ll find lug nuts ideal.
You’ll find dough nuts just put on spare tires.


There once was a tourist named Fritz
Who holidayed out in Biarritz.
He came up for the scene
And the fine French cuisine,
And came down with a case of the shi-
-mmering lead crystal that the city is famous for.


A blonde at a bank in Kentucky
Confronted a robber -- how plucky!
She was shot in the head,
But she still isn’t dead,
For her mind was a blank (that was lucky).


Two bistate Limericks:

There once were two sisters of TN.
Said one, “We must go study ZN,
At that center in TX,
For the teachings might VX,
But the girls are outnumbered by MN.”

A henpecked old husband from MI
Had broken his wife’s antique DI,
So he drove down to GA
Where he knew a good FA,
Saying, “Bye, dear, I’m just off to FI.”


More Limericks!

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