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Poems of Gothica Angel
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12/08/03
I want to scream and yell
At the top of my lungs
And cuss the whole world out.
I want to shout at someone,
Saying why don't you understand?
Why don't you see?
Why don't you do one damn thing?
Can't you see me at all?
Or am I invisible?
Can't anyone tell what's going on?
I want to knock some sense
Into those around me
And make them understand
If it's the last thing I do.
I want someone to see me
To hear me, to hold me
To do something about what's happening inside me.
I want to yell at you all
Because you won't understand
You won't even try to.
And after I have screamed at the world,
I will fall on the floor
Crumple up in a ball
And cry 'till the tears are no more
As someone holds me, tight
Letting me cry on their shoulder
Because they finally see
Finally understand
How much this pain hurts me.
12/07/03
Everything in my life
Is tearing me apart
Everything confuses me
I don't know where to start
Issues with my family
Issues with myself
Issues with the God above
And issues with my pals
My parents don't get along
And I doubt they ever will
My brother doesn't help
But maybe that will change
My dad drives me crazy
Along with everyone else
He doesn't understand me
But then again who does?
He doesn't care when we suffer
He doesn't see our pain
He doesn't realize all the emotions
That he causes me to have
He’s leading me to have issues
And struggles with myself
So much that it scares me
I can't understand myself
My thoughts and emotions
Frighten me so much
I never would have imagined
That I could think such thoughts
I shock myself at what I do
And how little I regret it
I don't know what’s happening to me
But I know it isn't good
I hope the Devil isn’t winning
Control over my mind
Because I don't want him to win
I’d like to be just fine
I wish that God would help me
But first I must believe
That He can and will help me
And that he will take away my grief
I have struggles with my faith in Him
I know that I must try
I cannot give up hope
For if I do, I'll die
I need to get to know my God
Before anything can change
I must learn to manage my time
And give Him all I have
Spend time with my God
And love Him as He loves me
I must learn the meaning
Of the word known as faith
And apply it to my Christian walk
Before it is too late
There will still be problems to fix
After this is done
But at least once I trust Him
He will hold me up
I cannot keep living this lie
It is not fair to myself
It is not fair to those around me
And it will lead me to Hell
I must make some change in my life
Before it can get any better
Because if I don’t do something drastic
Then this new me will worsen
And maybe my friends have noticed my change
But I don't know if they have
Because I have changed so much this past year
And I’m turning into something bad
I've got to do something before I get out of hand
I must turn back to God
I need Him to help me change for the better
But first I must help myself
12/03/03
Life is such a confusing thing
It causes me such torment
One minute I can be so happy
The next I'm a total wreck
I don't understand this life
And I doubt I ever will
It makes no sense to me
And I don't know what to do
I don't understand myself anymore
Everything in my mind is so confusing
I can't even tell if I'm ever truly happy anymore
Sometimes I just want to cry
And I don't know why
I know there are reasons
But they are all such a mess
In one big tangle in my head
I can't sort things out
And no one understands
There are so many things wrong in my life
I need to fix them
I tell myself that I must fix them
But for some reason I never do
What is wrong with me?
What is wrong with this world?
Why don't they see my pain?
Sometimes it doesn't hurt so much
And then something triggers it
I don't even know what
I hide my pain so well
Even from myself
It seems that I have tricked myself
Into believing that I was not depressed
And here I am again
Falling into the trap of depression
When I had barely begun to crawl out
Will anyone try to help me?
Will I even try to help myself?
Or is the demons' clutch too great
And my willpower too weak
To ever be happy again
11/10/03
I hardly ever see a true reason for life anymore
I know in my mind that there is so much to live for,
But I don't feel any reason or purpose for my life
In the place where it matters, in my heart
Why should I even try to do anything?
There are so many things I want to do, wish to do
But I always end up doing nothing
I never feel like doing anything anymore
I am letting life pass me by
Because what is the point in trying?
I wish someone could help me
I don't know how much longer I can handle
Living life this way
It isn't fair, but then again life never is
I don't know how much longer I'll be able to endure
All this pain and suffering
Is there no way for me to be happy again?
I have tried so hard to find a way
I hope that I find it soon, before it is too late
10/23/03
No one understands me.
I've done a few things to hint at the way I feel,
But no one sees.
No one tries to help me when I tell them I am changing.
And I am changing, drastically.
No longer do I enjoy bright colors
Such as pink, blue, white, or yellow.
I prefer dark colors, especially black.
I am becoming obsessed with dark, depressing, gothic things.
Truly, I am now a Goth at heart,
Simply because of the way that I feel
And have felt, for the past painful year of my life.
The feelings keep growing,
My emotions keep hurting,
Yet when I'm around my friends,
I can't seem to help but act happy and cheerful.
I feel so sad, depressed, and lonely,
Yet no one can tell.
No one sees,
No one understands.
I am sick of the way that I seem,
To the world, to my friends, and everyone else.
I seem so happy, so Christian, so good.
Yet inside, I feel so sad.
I feel as if God has strayed from my side,
Yet I am sure that it was I who strayed.
I want the world to see my pain,
To try and help me,
But do they care enough?
Will they see my true colors,
My sad, lonely, depressed, dark colors?
Or will they simply believe that I only wanted
To be different.
Different, daring, rebellious, and scary,
Dark, depressed, and gothic… for a day?
Will they simply believe that I did this
Only to be noticed, to receive attention?
I hope that they will look deeper into my meaning,
Deeper into my reasons and feelings,
And see me for who I truly am.
9/15/03
Oh God, why is life so difficult?
I don't understand
Why are people so cruel
Without meaning to be?
How can they ignore someone
And not notice that it hurts?
Why don't they realize that something is wrong?
Why don't even the Christians try to fix it?
How can they call themselves our friends
Yet ignore us?
Let us down when we need them most?
I don't understand
Is there some reason?
Do we unintentionally push them away?
Causing them to unintentionally push us away?
There must be some reason
There should be an explanation
Yet I know of none
Don't our friends care about us?
Want to help us?
Want to keep us from pain?
Or are they even our friends at all?
©AngelGothica 2004 - Credit for background images to Nocturne
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