The Urban Ninja
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/74862/david_bell_urban_ninja/
Good and Bad Knowledge Featured Item
Dec. 21, 2005
G.I. JOE MUST DEFEAT JIHAD JOE - Here's Why:
Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following multiple choice history test. The events are actual events from history. Do you remember any of this? If not, take it as a reminder of why the U.S. G.I. Joe's must defeat the nameless, faceless Jihad Joe's with no army or organization to target.
1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. a Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
Yes, the answer to all of these is D - muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40. I just saw an ABC special on the concept of Heaven, hosted by Barbara Walters. She interviewed an arrested suiced bomber that feels he will be rewarded by Allah with 72 virgins in heaven for his holy acts of jihad, which he believe make him a martyr. Need I say more, people?
Sept. 11, 2005 - NYC sill alive and thriving more than ever
Here I am representing Non A's softball in Times Square, NYC. A good time was had by all. More on that in the O-dogg blog.
December 15 - Taxi Driver Shoots Man in Bin Laden Mask
By Associated Press
SAN JOSE, Costa Rica -- Osama bin Laden take note: You wouldn't be safe in Costa Rica. A startled taxi driver shot and wounded a jokester wearing a plastic mask of the al-Qaida leader, police said Tuesday.
Leonel Arias, 47, told police he was playing a practical joke by donning the Bin Laden mask, toting his pellet rifle and jumping out to scare drivers on a narrow street in his hometown, Carrizal de Alajuela, about 20 miles north of San Jose.
Arias had startled several drivers that way on Monday afternoon. But when he jumped out in front of taxi driver Juan Pablo Sandoval, the motorist reached for a gun and shot him twice in the stomach. He was hospitalized in stable condition.
"For me and I think for anybody else at a time like that one thinks the worst and so I fired my gun," Sandoval told Channel 7 television.
Police declined to detain Sandoval, saying he had believed he was acting in self-defense.
November 2 - Super Tuesday continues with more battling of men and women
THE BATTLE OF THE GENDERS CONTINUES IN THE SHOWER
How to shower like a woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
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How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
September 26 - George Lucas is an Oakland Raiders fan. It's official now.
Hell yeah. We knew it all along. Raider Nation and Vader Nation are one in the same. PHOTO COURTESY of Tony Gonzalez and Raiders.Com. You can also visit StarWars.Com for more Raiders/Star Wars gameday photos.
September 16 - Episode III: Revenge of the Women
Because I'm a man -
when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.
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Because I'm a man -
when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink beer.
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Because I'm a man -
when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.
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Because I'm a man -
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
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Because I'm a man -
when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man -
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
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Because I'm a man -
I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?
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Because I'm a man -
there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man -
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man -
you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
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Because I'm a man -
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine...Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man -
and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
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This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
August 19 - Ex-Raider WR Tim Brown tells his side of the story
We just heard Tim Brown on the Tony Bruno Morning Radio Show. He said if Al Davis/Novall Turner would've promised that he'd suit up every game, provide leadership and play when his skills were needed, he would've stayed - without question.
He said he and Davis had an understanding in June that it would be Brown's last year and he doesn't know why two months later he was shown the door. He feels that Turner was paranoid that he couldn't do his thing as long as Brown was around because it would always be "Tim Brown's team." Brown felt that's the only way he could explain why the Raiders still felt he could play effectively - and contradicted themselves by saying some weeks he'd be no better than a #5 or #6 receiver and inactive. He said the day before he was told he wasn't needed, Turner came to his training camp dorm room. Brown expected a pep talk from Turner, but instead got a "it's been nice working with you" speech.
Brown was classy, and said he feels bad for the Raider Nation and the unpleasant site of him in a Bucs uniform when Tampa Bay comes to Oakland in week 3. He said he's not bitter, but very disappointed about how everything was handled; not knowing if he was shown the door because of perceived diminished skills or the paranoia of a new coach that has no loyalty to the 16 years of service Brown provided to Mr. Davis. Here's the rub: Davis didn't go to bat for Brown when Turner decided to cut him in favor of unproven Ronald Curry, Alvis Whitted and the two rookies.
Someone on the boards at raiderfans.net said something like 'Davis told Turner he wanted to keep Brown, and that if Turner insisted Brown be shown the door, Turner would have hell to pay if Brown went on to have a big year with another team.' In our view, we are rooting for Brown, not the Bucs. We are also rooting for Turner and the Raiders - of course. But if one of the Jerry's goes down, and Curry, Whitted and the rookies don't step up, and pass offense struggles, we will be calling for Turner's pockmarked head on a platter! Go Raiders. Go Tim Brown.
August 9 - Running Back Mystery by Ricky Williams
When I announced my retirement from the Miami Dolphins, a lot of pundits were shocked that I would walk away from the game at the peak of my career. They joked about my drug tests, my social anxiety and my desire to be like Jim Brown or Barry Sanders.
The joke will be on them because no matter what happens to me, they'll all still be cynical hacks, while I'm enjoying the peace and freedom that can only come from retirement ... and a return to the NFL with a Silver and Black jersey. That's right, you heard it here first, on the home of good and bad knowledge.
You see, it all came clear to me as I walked the rice fields of Asia like Cane from "Kung Fu." Just like Vincent Vega said to Jules Winfield, "what you gonna do, walk the Earth?" I'm saying hell yeah, I'm gonna walk the Earth and get into adventures. Getting back to peace and serenity of the rice fields, my hands carressed the tops of the crop and my soul danced along with the softly swaying reeds of wheat. I heard a quiet roar in my head and it kept getting louder and louder: it was the roar of the Black Hole. I was mezmerized and paraylzed. I fell to my knees, and there in the wheat field, I had a vision of Mr. Al Davis in his white sweat suit with his hand extended saying "Join me and together we can rule the galaxy together. With our combined strength, we can destroy Commissioner Tagliabue and his re-instatement rules."
Behind the glowing blue specter of Mr. Davis I could see Spike, Howie, Stoner Dude, Raider Rob, The Violater, The Skull Patrol and the baddest of them all - Darth Raider. I immediately booked a return flight to the U.S. I visited my sister in the East Bay and felt so at home. I told Mike Silver of Sports Illustrated that I'd love to play in Oakland because of laid back locales - like Berkeley - and the strong O-line coached by Norv Turner. The Raiders and I would fit each other like a black leather glove and an iron lung.
Outside of a four game suspension if and when I return, you should know this: I have fully succumbed to the Dark Side. Until we meet again, friends, this is Ricky Williams saying: see you later. Stay tuned. Go Non A's.
August 2 - More indecent exposure in public - at Wal-Mart of all places
SCOTTSBLUFF, Neb. - Two men who were arrested for walking through a Wal-Mart while wearing women's thong underwear blamed the stunt on a "triple-dog dare," authorities said.
The men, ages 35 and 36, bought two pair of underwear at the store Tuesday, went into a bathroom and came out wearing only the thongs and T-shirts, police said.
Witnesses said the men walked through the store and out to their car.
Police caught the men in the parking lot, and reviewed a surveillance tape before arresting them for public indecency and disorderly conduct.
When asked why they were wearing thong underwear, one of the men said a friend "triple-dog dared" them. They will not be prosecuted, authorities said.
July 26 - Stifler's Mom, No More! (From TheSmokingGun.Com)
This is the story of GOTMILF. In May 2002, Michael Syravong filed the below "personalized license plate application" with Washington's Department of Licensing. GOTMILF was Syravong's first choice among the three possible personalized tags he listed on the state form (he would have settled for SUPL8EZ or RCKSTAR). Asked for the meaning of GOTMILF, Syravong wrote, "Manual Inline Lift Fluctuator," which he would later claim was some kind of automotive gizmo.
The 25-year-old software engineer's license plate choice was, amazingly, approved by bureaucrats who obviously never saw the film "American Pie" and were clueless about the acronym's real meaning. Unfortunately for Syravong, however, two offended citizens knew that the plate was actually his sly play on the Got Milk? slogan crossed with the raunchy acronym. In February, 21 months after Syravong got the personalized plate for his Toyota (pictured above), an aggrieved Washingtonian e-mailed a complaint to state officials. A second beef was received in April from a disgusted Snohomish parent who did not want "my children seeing this and inquiring as to what it means."
Acting on the first complaint, state officials wrote Syravong seeking his response to the complaint. Fighting to keep GOTMILF, he responded with a letter that desperately tried to explain away his license plate. Despite Syravong's invocation of Bill of Rights protections, members of Washington's Personalized Plate Review Committee were not swayed by his argument--and even hinted that he may have committed a crime (making a false or misleading statement to a public servant) when he submitted his original plate application. In April, the state review committee voted to cancel Syravong's tag.
He got the bad news in an April 13 letter chiding him for providing "inconsistent information regarding the definition of the plate." Stripped of GOTMILF, Syravong was forced to replace his distinctive tag with PUNISHR. We're counting the days until a motorist writes in to complain that Syravong's new plate advocates domestic violence or has S&M undertones.
July 19 - A new meaning for the phrase cheese dick.
CHEESY, NUDE MONN ARRESTED
MARYVILLE, Tennessee (AP) -- Michael P. Monn's birthday celebration went a little awry when he was arrested while drunk, nude and covered with nacho cheese.
Monn was detained early Sunday as he ran toward a Jeep in the parking lot outside a swimming pool snack bar.
According to police, he was stark naked and was carrying a box of Frito Lay snacks and a container of nacho cheese.
"The male had nacho cheese in his hair, on his face and on his shoulders," Maryville Police Department officer Scott Spicer said.
"The nude male had a strong odor of alcohol and was semi-incoherent."
Investigators suspect Monn climbed an 8-foot fence, broke into the pool snack bar through a window, threw nacho cheese on a wall and scattered chips on the ground.
About $40 in chips and $7 in nacho cheese were stolen.
Monn was charged with burglary, theft of less than $500, vandalism less than $500 and public intoxication and was cited for indecent exposure.
He was held at the Blount County Jail in lieu of a $9,300 bond.
It was Monn's 23rd birthday.
July 12 - Sorry ladies, it's time for "The Rules: Episode II The Men Strike Back."
We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note... these are all numbered # 1.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on th is one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say what's on your mind.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You h ave enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
July 5, 2004 - Fahrenheit 9/11: Mmmm, it does go well with the chicken.
In the humble opinion of the good folks at good and bad knowledge online, the new creative-license documentary by Michael Moore is a must-see for all voting Americans. If nothing else it’s an excellent excuse to get the public interested in and talking about politics again. It doesn't matter if you're a right-winger, a left-winger, a democrat, a republican, a liberal, a conservative, a Coke fan, a Pepsi fan, a 49ers fan or a Raiders fan. This presentation is excellent debate fodder for dinner table discussion that goes beyond Jennifer Lopez's latest marriage or Martha Stewart's stock trading habits.
The latest offering from Moore has one goal in mind: to be divisive and to plant a seed for ousting ole 'W' in the next presidential election. Moore pushes the envelope and takes a heavily slanted angle in his portrayal of the president. It is so biased that you can't really consider it a pure documentary. True journalism insists on telling both sides of the story, so at the 11th hour, Moore bailed himself out by calling his project an op-ed, or a political cartoon. I don't remember the last time I had to pay $10 for an op-ed or political cartoon, making the author filthy rich.
That said, if half, heck if one third, of the stuff the movie claims is even close to true, it definitely makes the viewer wonder about Bush's ability to run a country. Contrary to popular belief, much of Bush's soundbytes are unedited. There was no manipulation of Bush's addresses or speeches, and although the soundbytes were relatively harmless, they expose him as a bit of a boob. I don't think even the most staunch Republicans would argue that the guy is just not smooth or polished by any means. At best, 'W' is the kind of guy you'd like to have a beer with at a steakhouse. At worst, he's not the guy you want giving a speech at a wedding.
Getting back to Moore, he tends to try to distract the audience with a shiny object we like to call 'the innocent Iraqis.' We don't buy it. Bad knowledge, Mr. Moore. Most of those folks could care less about America. We will agree that we're not wanted there and that perhaps the people of Iraq aren't as liberated as the current administration would like everyone to believe. The latest news points to a staging of Sadaam's statue being toppled by excited Iraqis. In any event, Mr. Moore definitely twists things around to give an extremely narrow-minded and ugly portrayal of our troops and their dealings with the people of Iraq. It is an unfair and underhanded portrayal of unsuspecting young troops.
Moore claims to have triple checked the truth and validity of all of his facts. He presents a few documents and photos on screen that are hard to argue with. So far, the best arguments against the validity of this documentary from the right wing are that it is all lies and propaganda. Come on conservatives, is that the best you can do to protect the reputation of Bush? Lies and propaganda? No facts to counter Moore? No documentation to discredit the great, fat, liberal liar? The only person with a halfway decent attempt to discredit Moore is KNEW 910 AM radio host Michael Savage. His theory is that if what Moore says is true, a right wing conspiracy would've had Moore killed by now. Savage is no dummy, but I don't know if you can get away with killing someone by conspiracy as easily as you could in the good old days. Mr. Savage needs to catch up with modern day America because this ain't 1950s New York anymore, although he really wishes it was. Can't get a good meatball anymore eh, Savage? This ain’t your daddy’s USA, that much we can agree on.
So remember, next time you and yours gather 'round the table to dig into a hearty meal, consider a side of Fahrenheit 9/11. And remember, no matter how much you love or hate this documentary it won't make much difference because Bush/Cheney ain't much different from Kerry/Edwards. Both teams represent billions in blue-blood money, no matter how much they try to tell you they're from a ranch, a mill, or a battle field. It's all bogus. The haves and the have-mores. Some people call them the elite; we call them our sad choices in November. Don't forget the white wine and apple cider for the kids.
Check out this link, good for a few laughs: http://www.jibjab.com/thisland.html
