GLESIL SAMSON

Dealing with the loss of estranged family members

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My father,who recently passed away suddenly,was estranged from me for close to 5 years now. He was not the typical father in the sense that he was there for his children while we were growing up.

Being the second of 5 boys,has as could be expected,not always been then easiest but I have learned to cope with that. The hardest thing to deal with is the life my father had chosen to live.

He was an alcoholic who never would admit he had a drinking problem and would blame us boys for everything that went wrong in his life. On many occasions I was the brunt of his beatings and bore that growing up. He had admitted tome he wished that I had never been born and that I was a mistake. He had always wanted a girl,and thank goodness he never had one.
The abuse,both physically and mentally,we had to endure at his hands was one thing but his lack of support for the family was another thing in itself.

He was capable of getting and maintaining a job but he had took the path of living off of the system and chose to drink his life away. It was from the upbringing I had from him that I have used to form my own
method of raising my daughter. No I might not be perfect as a parent but I have vowed to give my daughter the things that I never had growing up,and not all material things either, the love and nurturing that was missing I have tried to give my daughter.

Now that he has passed away and upon hearing of his death (Feb 01 2008) has caused some mixed emotions on the matter. No I am not glad that he has passed away yet neither am I totally torn up over the matter either.

There are so many question left unanswered and unasked. Like why he did the things he did,why he never cared what happened and so forth. He never was a person who would talk to us and when I would reach out to him to talk it was the old story from him.
I can at least rest in the knowledge that I did try to speak to him but that he chose not to speak to me. No it does not make things easier to deal with but it does give me a sense of calm in that sense.

He chose not to have a funeral but to be cremated instead,sure us boys did have a small grave site gathering when they placed his ashes. The closure is there in that sense that we were able to say our goodbyes to him and to gain a sense of calmness in the mess of the matter.

Now the healing has to come from the years of hurt and pain yet the key to the matter is never going to be here to help unlock the answers. the answers will have to come from me talking with my wife and taking from his life the things he did wrong and try my best not to inflict those same wrongs on  my daughter. give her the love I never had and the support a father should give their child.

I still have no clue to how I should feel but the mixed feelings I have went through are normal in my mind and for all those who have gone through the same in their lives I am truly sorry. For those who have yet to deal with this it is not easy but rest assured that there are others who know the pain and uncertainty of the feelings. It is normal to feel the way we do and the best thing we can do in my mind is move on and try not to dwell on the past yet forge ahead and reclaim your life.