Title: Oiling The Snake
Author: Cags
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be.
Damn shame though
Summary: Sometimes, things don’t go
the way you’d expect.
Season/Spoiler info: Brief Candle,
100 Days
Authors notes: This was originally written in response
to a fanfic challenge posted on SGC-UK forums a few years ago. The elements
are:
Daniel
has a secret to tell the rest of SG1 (anything you want).
Jack wants to leave the base to go home but something keeps happening that
stops him.
These things must be said at one point:
“I hate when you do this you always do this."
"You kiss your mother with that mouth."
And
some one must mention a puppy
This
is my very first attempt at writing a SG fic.
The
klaxons sounded again. Jack looked up from the report he’d been trying to
finish for the last four hours. He sighed heavily and glanced at his watch 2243.
This was the fourth time that the klaxons had gone and had dragged him away
from his task. Not that he needed much dragging away from paperwork, but he’d
been at it since they returned from P3C972 this afternoon and the debrief was
at nine a.m. tomorrow.
P3C-972
had been one of those missions where everything that could go wrong went wrong.
Well everything trivial and annoying went wrong. First the radios developed
issues with the planets electromagnetic field (or whatever it was Carter had
said and he’d pretended not to understand), all he needed to know was that they
refused to work despite his cajoling, fiddling and eventually losing his temper
at them. Then they’d bumped into the unexpected natives. Lovely people, but a
little too friendly for Jack’s liking. Friendly as in “Oh look, new people,
let’s have sex with them.” Luckily there hadn't been any drugged food or alien
influences to lower anyone’s inhibitions or interfere with ones judgment. It
was only after they had been split up (and he still didn’t understand how
they’d managed that), and a stunning voluptuous native woman had attempted to
remove his clothes that Jack realised what was happening. Fortunately the
others had realised it too and had independently extracted themselves from
their overzealous new friends.
Once
it occurred to the natives that they were not going to join in the fun
willingly, they got a little too insistent on ensuring their participation.
While Daniel argued that he’d be able to talk their way out of this sticky
situation, one glance at Sam looking flushed and embarrassed and Teal’c looking
like he’d rather be having his prim’ta removed and Daniel decided to cut their
losses and get the hell out of there. They ran for it. All the way back to the
gate, through, as it turned out, a swamp that he swore wasn’t there on the way.
A swamp with quick mud and nasty critters no less. Well you wouldn’t expect anything
less. Carter lost her backpack to snappy reptilian swamp dweller, presumably of
the carnivorous persuasion. Daniel lost a boot to the quick mud, and Jack ended
up with his pants and shirt filled with gritty smelly swamp mud when he
attempted to haul him out. Then Carter had to haul the pair of them out ending
up muddy and wet as well. In the end, the only one to come through from P3C-972
without taking an impromptu swim in the swamp was Teal’c. Only his dignity, not
to mention his face had been somewhat bruised by an argument with a tree
branch.
Jack
still itched. He suspected that the shower had not removed the mud from every
nook and cranny of his body and that he was going to be finding mud in places
he’d rather not contemplate for weeks to come.
Jack
ambled to the gate room. Wasn’t much point hurrying, it was probably only
Carter returning from whatever technical assistance she’d been summoned by the
Tok’ra to help with. That had been the first gate activation that had dragged
him away from his mindless paperwork. The Tok’ra come to borrow his 2IC’s brain
for...oh something technical he genuinely didn’t understand or care to. She’d
been less than enthused at going, which was understandable considering the fact
they were in such a hurry that she hadn’t even had time for a shower before
hand. Jack felt a twinge of guilt about this then dismissed it remembering that
her departure left him in charge of writing their report. Or trying to. The
second activation was from SG-12 wanting to borrow Daniel to translate
something. He did actually manage a shower before hand though. He returned an
hour ago and seemed quieter than normal. Jack assumed he was just tired. It had
been a very long day and, yet it wasn’t over. That damn report was still only
half written.
Indeed
the final incoming wormhole was from the Tok’ra and a still disheveled and
somewhat pissed looking Carter stepped back through. Jack noted a streak of
caked on mud had dried across her forehead giving her a sort of permanent
frown…or maybe it just was a real frown after all.
“Major.
Back so soon?” Jack said and immediately wished he hadn’t.
She
shot him a dirty look and shook her head in disgust at his seeming good humour,
walking off to finally take a shower.
“Ho
hum everyone’s having fun.” He muttered under his breath then returned to his
report.
When
he arrived back at his desk he discovered Daniel sitting in his chair toying
with his pen.
“Danny!
Thought you went home?”
“Uh
no.”
Jack
waited for Daniel to say something else but he was silent. He waited some more
for Daniel to move out and let him get on, but he seemed preoccupied.
“Er,
Daniel? Anything I can do for you?” He said, trying to hint that he really
wanted his chair back.
Daniel
must have picked up on his frustrations because he dropped the pen and stood.
“Eh? Oh no, no I just...when you and I were stuck in that swamp, did you feel
anything alive in there?
“Alive
as in?”
“Swimming
around us?”
“C’mon
Danny, how could anything swim in that mud?”
“Hmm,
yeah, I suppose. So anyway. You feel ok?”
“Yeah
why?”
“Hmm.
Nothing. Just wondering.” He seemed deep in thought then changed the subject. “
Say, was that Sam coming back?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh
good, I’ll see you later.”
“Yes.”
Jack nodded, not quite knowing what to make of Daniel’s odd behaviour.
Daniel
moved out and began to leave. Jack sat back down to his report. Just the last
bit to do, just need to explain the loss of one regulation boot and backpack
complete with contents. It was probably only a couple of hundred dollars. Ah
well, with a budget of over seven billion it was hardly the end of the world.
“Er
Jack?” Jack almost slammed his pen down with frustration and looked up to see
Daniel paused by the door.
“What
Daniel?” He said tersely.
“I
thought you said you were going home to watch the game?”
“I
was, then Hammond insisted on us having this goddamn report in by 0900, you and
Carter got your asses hauled off world and Teal’c took a Kel’nor’reem break so
I got stuck with this goddamned thing by myself. Now if you’d just like to
let me finish.” He gestured to the laptop in front of him.
“Yeah,
ok, I’ll see you in the morning then.”
Jack
smirked and turned back to his work.
Daniel
walked down the corridor deep in thought. He really ought to go to the
infirmary. The thought of Janet prodding and poking him and having to
admit...no he just couldn’t. It was all just his imagination Jack and Sam were
up to their waists in mud too so if there was anything wrong they’d be noticing
it too.
He
reached his room and closed the door. Unzipping his fly he peered down at the
rash rapidly spreading over his groin and thighs. It was probably just an
allergic reaction to the mud. It couldn’t be anything else.
He
couldn’t face driving home tonight. Yeah ok so the people on P3C-972 were very
insistent about their joining the native fertility rituals but he had been sure
that he’d talked Nayaria into just letting them observe. Er, not that Jack
would have readily agreed to the free porn show but Daniel was prepared to
negotiate that detail.
He
pulled on some pajamas and threw himself down on the bed, squirming to find
comfort. The rash itched like crazy. He really ought to go see Doctor Fraiser
about it. What the hell could it be? Nayaria had barely touched him. Okay so
Nayaria had stuck her tongue in his mouth and her hands down his pants but…Nah,
it was more likely that damn sticky mud making him itch and scratch, and the
scratching had turned into a rash…
But
still it worried him.
Sam
and Jack were probably itchy and rashy because of it too.
He
sat up suddenly. So Jack wasn’t feeling in the mood to talk but Sam was back
and Sam always had time for him. He rose and pulled on some clothes and headed
out to her quarters…
Teal’c
refused to let the frustration get the better of him. So he couldn’t reach
Kel’nor’reem tonight. It wasn’t the first time. He would simply go up to the
commissary and have a drink of that hot chocolate Major Carter recommended,
watch a film then try again.
As he
strolled down the corridor he bumped in to Major Carter coming out of the locker
room in a toweling robe.
“Oh,
uh Teal’c” She mumbled in surprise.
“Major
Carter. You are out of uniform.” Teal’c raised an eyebrow at her unusual dress.
“Uh,
yeah. Well I seem to have forgotten to put a spare in my locker. I figured that
at this time of night the place would be deserted enough.” She smiled
sheepishly at Teal’c
“I am
unable to reach Kel’nor’reem tonight. I was about to visit the commissary for
some of your hot chocolate. Do you wish to join me?”
“Sure,
just let me find some clothes.”
“I
will meet you there.”
Teal’c
walked off in the direction of the elevators and Carter strolled towards her
quarters.
Sam
sighed contentedly as the hot water poured over her weary body washing away the
last of the sticky itchy mud from P3C-972. Just the thought of that planet, its
friendly locals and their somewhat overzealous welcome…
Ooh
she felt a flush of embarrassment colour her cheeks. Under other circumstances
she might have been more open to the suggestion. Milos, her pairing, had been
kind of cute. And very sweet and shy. When she realised that he wanted to have
sex with her and couldn’t bring himself to initiate it she almost felt sorry
enough for him to initiate it herself. Besides, it had been such a long time
and there wasn’t anyone else available that she felt remotely attracted to
right now. Not anyone that she could act on it with anyway…
She
blushed at her chain of thought. Would I really have? The she smirked at the
thought of the Colonels indignant response to the thought of participating in
what the locals considered to be a ritual of great honour. From what she could
glean from him and Teal’c both their potential mates had been fairly aggressive
in their response. Clearly the Colonel was still scarred by the events after
his fling with Kynthia. Who knows what alien nookie could lead to?
She
stepped reluctantly from the shower and into the locker room to dry off. It was
deserted this time of night, for which she found herself grateful because that
was the point she realised that she had no clothes in her locker.
“Crap.”
She muttered and pulled on a robe instead. Good job it was late. The corridors
would be deserted and she’d be able to get to her quarters unnoticed in her
inappropriate state of dress.
Coming
out the locker room she bumped into Teal’c who invited her for a drink in the
commissary, which she gladly accepted.
As
she rounded the corner to her room she saw Daniel standing there about to
leave.
“Daniel.
You still here?”
“Uh
yeah.” He mumbled stepping from foot to foot in a nervous gesture.
“You
ok?” Sam asked?
“Uh,
yeah I…what are you wearing?” Daniel asked, suddenly noticing Sam was stood in
a bathrobe.
“Oh,
I forgot a change of clothes. I was just going to change and meet Teal’c in the
commissary for a drink.” She paused and took in Daniel’s slightly agitated
appearance. “You wanna join us?”
“Sure.
I’ll…I’ll wait out here.”
She
smiled and went inside…
The
lights had been dimmed in the commissary. At this time of night it was deserted
except for Teal’c, Daniel and Major Carter.
She
sat opposite Teal’c and Daniel now dressed more appropriately in clean BDU’s
sipping a hot chocolate that appeared to have once had extra cream which was
now melting down the side of the cup.
“What
time is it anyway?” Daniel asked.
“It’s
eighteen minutes past eleven Daniel Jackson” Teal’c responded.
“Huh!
I should be exhausted after today but I don’t feel like sleep.” Sam added.
“I
too am unable to reach Kel’nor’reem this evening.” Teal’c added.
There
was a pause then Daniel added. “Uh, can I ask you guys something? Well Sam
really Teal’c as you weren’t encased in that mud stuff?”
“Sure
Daniel. What?”
“When
we…”
Daniel
was cut off by the appearance of Colonel O’Neill. “Hello campers. Ah all the
team is here. Any reason why?” He seemed chipper than he had been earlier. He
poured himself a coffee and sat next to Sam.
“Report
finished Sir?" Sam asked ignoring his question.
“Almost,
dotting the 'I's stuff, y’know. De-mudded Major?” He responded.
“Oh
yeah.”
“Umm,
about that.” Daniel chimed in. “Has anyone had an adverse reaction to it?”
“Adverse?”
Jack asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Yeah,
itchiness, a rash…”
Carter
responded, “Well it itched like crazy. I’m guessing there was some kind of
silica deposits in it. Did you see the way it refracted the light? I think I
might try and get some of that dried mud off my clothes and perform some tests.
You never know, there might be some valu…”
Jack
rolled his eyes and curtailed Carter’s techno babbling. “Itchy yes, rash no.
What’s up Daniel?”
“Umm,
well it’s kind of embarrassing. I’ve got this rash.”
“Where?”
Sam asked in total ignorance.
“Umm.
Well…”
“Ah.”
Jack responded in understanding, then shook his head in confusion. “And you
never thought to tell the Doc?”
“Well
it only came on after I went off to help SG-12. Before that I was ok but I
thought…never mind.”
“Oh
for crying out loud, Daniel what?” Jack exclaimed in part exasperation and part
concern for his friend.
“I,
er. I thought something brushed against me in the swamp.”
“And
you never thought to mention this?”
“I
tried but you were busy writing your goddamned report!” Daniel responded
passionately.
“And
it didn’t occur to you that I might want to put that in the report?”
Jack replied.
“Well
I’d rather you didn’t. I mean, there’s no reason why a rash on my groin should
become available to the whole base to speculate over.”
Sam,
who’d clearly not been paying attention, almost spat out her chocolate. “Your
groin? You never said…”
“Yeah
well Carter.” It was Jack now. “Suspicious rashes on your bits is something
that most guys don’t really like to discuss with ladies present, no offence.
Kind of kills the romance if you get what I mean.” He pulled a face and Daniel
glowered back at him.
“Daniel
Jackson, I do not understand. What could have caused this?” Teal’c broke in.
“I
think we ought to find out don’t you?” Jack responded.
“We?”
Daniel squeaked. “Is there no such thing as privacy round here?”
“Hey
you bought it up”…
Half
an hour later Daniel was lying on a bed in the infirmary. A tented sheet had
been placed over the lower half of his body and the curtain drawn as Doctor
Fraiser administered to him. On the other side of the curtain were his three
teammates. Fraiser was in a bad mood, partly from being dragged out of bed at
almost midnight and partly because Daniel had decided to be all childish (as
she put it) about a potentially serious medical condition.
Jack
was toying with some medical supplies while Sam paced behind him. Teal’c stood
perfectly still next to the seated Jack.
From
behind the curtain they could hear the sounds of Fraiser tending her patient.
“Now
Daniel I’m going to take some skin scrapings.”
“What?”
Daniel responded an octave higher than normal in panic.
“Just
relax. This might sting a little.” Fraiser responded soothingly.
“Err….Oww!”
From
the other side of the curtain Sam stopped her pacing and glanced over at the
Colonel who was pulling a face in sympathy.
“Hey
Doc, whatcha doin’ to him. Give the guy a break will ya.”
“Necessary
evil Colonel.” Fraiser called back. “Won’t hurt for long."
“Argh!
You’re damn right it won’t…Argh!” Clearly whatever form of medical torture
Fraiser had subjected him to was continuing because Daniel then uttered a
string of expletives that even Sam and Jack raised their eyebrows at.
“Daniel
Jackson, would you embrace your parent with that mouth.” Teal’c asked
stoically.
“Er,
I think that might be, would you kiss your mother with that mouth Teal’c”
“I
stand corrected O’Neill.” Teal’c added.
From
behind the curtain the moaning stopped “There. All done. You can relax now.”
Fraiser soothed.
“Ah
God!” Daniel exclaimed. “This better be worth it.”
“Can
we see him now doc?” Jack asked. “I mean, not as much of him as you’ve just
seen but…”
“Shut
up Jack!” Daniel responded.
“Ok
folks I think I have an answer.” Fraiser responded.
Jack,
who’d been dozing in the corner sat up. “Wha?”
“It’s
some kind of parasitical cross between a fungus and an algae, but with fibrous
villi that have penetrated the upper dermis.”
“A
lichen?” Sam asked incredulous.
“Oh
much more than just a lichen,” she gestured for Sam to peer into the microscope
where Sam saw hundreds of tiny life forms thrashing about. “I’d guess and
extremely fast growing organism with motile ability through these villi. Whatever
it was, it laid spores on your skin and they’ve begun to grow into you,
probably using you as a nutrient supply. That’s what is causing the pain and
the rash.”
“Eww!”
Jack responded and glanced at Daniel who looked queasy.
“Can
it be treated?” Sam asked concerned.
“Oh
yeah,” Fraiser replied. I’ve already exposed it to some fungicidal agents and
they appear to be effective. He’ll be up and about in a couple of days. Until
then he’ll need to apply this to his, er, rash twice a day and stay in
quarantine just in case.”
“Uh
appear?” Daniel asked in alarm.
“I’ll
start treatment immediately. In the mean time I’d like to check out the rest of
you to ensure there’s no infection…”
“Oh
no!” Jack responded a little panicked. "Nobody is scraping bits of
my…bits.”
Sam
looked up from the microscope. “Daniel said he felt something brush past him in
the swamp. None of the rest of us did and we’ve displayed no symptoms.”
“Even
so I think it’s wise to be prudent under the circumstances.” Fraiser replied.
“But
why him and not us?” Jack asked. “Not that I’m complaining.” He added waving
his arms about.
“Well
it could have been anything that attracted the creature to him rather than you.
It could have been his washing powder, after shave…”
“On
his groin?” Jack asked incredulous.
“Oh
no!” Daniel groaned from his bed.
Everyone
turned towards him. A chorus of
“What’s?” sounded from their mouths.
Daniel
looked sheepish. “Well when the locals were, um, wanting to involve us in
their, um ritual thing I got, um…” He trailed off.
“Spit
it out Daniel.”
“Nayaria.
My um…mate. She had this oil stuff. She, um she had it on her hands right
before she put them down my pants.”
“She
groped you?” Jack asked.
“Um
yeah. I thought that you and…I take it you didn’t get that far?” Daniel
queried.
“Er
no.” Jack replied sarcastically and then somewhat hypocritically. “I’m not in
the habit of making out with strange alien women on strange alien worlds and it
leading to strange alien infections. You Major?” He looked over to Sam and they
shared a look.
“No Sir.
Although Milos was kinda cute.”
“Cute?”
Jack asked looking slightly uncomfortable. “Cute as in reminded you of a puppy
dog?”
Sam
smiled, secretly relishing the fact that her CO appeared to be displaying a
slight jealous streak. “No, cute as in, whoa boy!”
“You
didn’t?” Jack now seemed worried rather than jealous.
“No
sir. I didn’t. You’ve nothing to worry about there.”
Jack
was probably the only one in the room who caught the slight double meaning of
her words but he turned the subject back to the safer ground of Daniel anyway.
“Unlike Daniel. Jeez Danny, I thought you were an archeologist not and
anthropologist. I know you like to explore stuff, but there’s exploring
and there’s exploring.
“You
see I hate it when you do this Jack.” Daniel responded angrily. “You always do
this.”
“Do
what?” He responded innocently but with a glint in his eye showing he knew exactly
what his friend meant.
“You
make fun of things that really aren’t funny. I could have been dying over here
and all you can do is joke about alien VD.”
“Well
you’re not.” Jack responded indignantly. “The doc says she can treat you.” He
grinned, enjoying Daniel’s discomfort. Daniel pouted and then offered a small
forgiving smile.
“Anyway.
It’s…what time is it T?”
“It
is three seventeen in the morning O'Neill” Teal’c responded.
“Ah.
Thank you Teal’c. It’s three in the morning. I’m still trying to get the
goddamned report finished so I can get outta here, and even though I missed the
game I wanted to watch and we’ve got an 0900 briefing making it pointless for
me to leave, I damn well am because I promised I’d get outta here tonight so…I
am.” He finished lamely.
“Not
so fast.” Fraiser cut in. “In the next bed. I need to examine you too.”
“Aw
come on.”
“No
buts. Get behind the curtain and undress please.”
“No
buts. Pun intended Janet?” Sam asked with a giggle.
“You
as well, and Teal’c. We have no way of knowing if it was the oil that attracted
the parasite or if it was even in the swamp. I’m taking no chances. You’re all
grounded here until I give you the all clear.”
Sam’s
face fell. Even Teal’c looked fed up. Jack glanced at Fraiser and realised she
was deadly serious. He caught a wicked glint in Daniel’s eye and sighed
stepping behind the curtain.
“Ok,
but as soon as you’re done I’m outta here.”
Sam
climbed onto one of the vacant beds. “Yes Sir.” She smiled as she pulled the
curtain between them across catching a last glimpse of her cranky CO unzipping
his fly and yanking his pants down.