Title: Inequitable

Author: Wonderland

Rating: R for implied violence, references to sex.

Disclaimer: Don’t own ‘em, wish I did, you know who does, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Summary: How many times could she be asked to give him up?

Season/Spoiler info: Season 7, spoilers for Hathor, Meridian, Fallen, Homecoming

Author’s notes: Even though I am an avowed J/D slasher, I can so see these two getting together.

Inequitable

I’m glad there was a chair behind me, or I would have landed square on my ass on the floor. General Hammond took a step towards me, but I waved him off and took several deep breaths, silently cursing the zero drug policy. A shot of Cuervo would come in handy right about now. I could only say one word. “Daniel?”

Hammond nodded. “Jack seems to think so. Asked for permission to bring him through.”

“Daniel? How is that possible?” I know I’m babbling.

“I asked Jack the same question. Dr. Fraiser, can you get Dr. Jackson’s medical file out, check him when they bring him in?”

The general pretends not to notice the color flooding my face. “I have his file in my desk. I know, I was supposed to put it in storage when he…left, but I couldn’t.” I take another deep, calming breath. “And he has amnesia?”

“The colonel said he didn’t remember anything. Who he was, who they were.”

“When can I expect...him?”

“An hour. He’s bound to be pretty scared and confused. Perhaps if he didn’t see too many people...?”

“I’ll fix one of the private rooms for the exam. And I’ll do it myself. Don’t worry, sir.” My training finally kicks in; I’m hitting my stride now, starting to think about what needs to be done. “How did he seem to be? Did Colonel O’Neill say anything?” Like whether he was dying from radiation poisoning again?

“Colonel O’Neill wasn’t very forthcoming with details. I expect he’s as shocked as the rest of us.” I haven’t seen that twinkle in his eye in over a year. “You may have to take a look at him, too.”

*

If I hadn’t had a death-grip on the gurney, I believe I’d have gone to my knees when he walked in the infirmary. Dear God, it had to be Daniel, who else could it be? I had cleared the infirmary of all non-essential personnel, giving him any little comfort I could offer. It broke my heart when I saw no recognition in his eyes. “Daniel, I’m Dr. Fraiser. I’m not going to hurt you; I just need to examine you. Okay?”

He nods, still clearly bewildered, lets me lead him to a small private room. “Daniel, I need you to change into this for me,” I lay down a set of scrubs, “and I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Dr. Fraiser?”

I stop at the door. “Yes, Daniel?”

“Did I know you? Before?”

I bite my lip, glad that I have my back to him. I school my face before I turn around. “Yes, you did. We were friends as well as colleagues. My daughter Cassie considered you an uncle.” I have to touch him, just reassure myself he’s real and I’m not hallucinating. I walk back to him, touch him gently. Looking down at those beautiful unscarred hands, I push back the memory of the last time I saw them, wrapping them in gauze, fighting to keep him alive, knowing all too well that I would lose that battle. Clearing my throat, I strive to keep the emotion at bay. “I know it’s scary and I know you’re confused. But you just have to trust that this is where you need to be right now. There are a lot of people here who are going to want to see you.” How many times have I seen the look of sheer panic on his face? I pat his hand gently, for both our sakes. “Don’t worry, I’ll keep them away from you.”

Suddenly, there is a bit of a familiar sparkle in those vacant eyes. “Not Colonel O’Neill, though?”

“I doubt if every Marine on this base could keep him away. You were his best friend. I’m afraid you’re going be stuck with him for a while. At least until the new wears off.”

“There’s something, I don’t know, comforting is as good a word as any, about him. And the others?”

“Teal’c and Sam? They’ll be trailing around after you, too. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure they give you some space.” I suddenly got an idea. “Would you like to take a shower before you change? I can send someone in with you, if you’re not up to it.”

“I..I don’t know.” He looks helplessly down at the scrubs.

“Let me make a call. I’ll be right back.” Although I know Jack would want to do this, I ask for Teal’c. He will give Daniel his space; the colonel may try to climb in the shower with him.

*

While they’re gone, I automatically prep the examination room, my mind basically on autopilot, thinking about what I need to do. I have to tell Cassie, but this isn’t something you say over the phone.

Sam comes wandering in while I’m working. “Hey.” She touches my elbow. “You okay?”

She’s the only person I can be honest with. “No, no, I’m not.” I turn to her for clarification. “How? How can it be Daniel? I saw him. God, we all saw him…die, for lack of a better word. And now here he is. My mind just can’t grasp it.” My hands lay out the needed instruments. I force myself to think about the correct name for each instrument. Sphygmomanometer, not blood pressure cuff. Thermometer, okay, there’s no other word for that. I realize Sam’s speaking to me. “What?”

“This is just so surreal.” Her eyes are equal measures of hope and hurt. “He didn’t know us, Janet. Wouldn’t even let me touch him.” I run my hand up and down her arm in an attempt to comfort her. “The colonel…”

“Yes, General Hammond said I might have to sedate him when this is all over.”

“You know how he is.” I do, indeed. Sam and I cried for days after Daniel left. Teal’c meditated and pushed Daniel a little further up on that pedestal. Jack put on his stoic face and acted like he didn’t give a damn that his best friend had left him. “He tried to tease Daniel, and then when that didn’t work, he just steamrollered him.” Yes, I can picture that. “I wasn’t sure Daniel was even going to come back with us.”

My hand freezes. “What?”

“He was just so scared, didn’t know any of us. He even asked me if the two of us had been….you know. I’m just so glad he’s back, we all are.” She gives me a surprising hug, little realizing that I’m standing frozen in her embrace. “I know you loved Daniel, just like the rest of us did. No matter how bad it got with any of us, the only time I ever heard you talk about giving up was…was when he was dying.”

I know she feels me flinch at that. I can’t even begin to convey what I felt when Sam told me what he’d been exposed to, the doctor in me saying there was no way he could survive this, the woman in me screaming that there had to be a way.

Sam doesn’t know the whole truth though, none of them ever knew.

No one ever knew that Daniel and I were in love.

*

I sit down to wait for Daniel after Sam wanders off. Sam and I have drawn strength from each other almost from the start. We bonded over that mess with Hathor where we saved the base and possibly the world, even though we thought we were kissing our careers goodbye. After it was all over with, Sam and I went out and got drunk. We asked the colonel and Daniel to go with us; it was obvious they were headed out, since they were both in civvies. But Daniel’s face held this expression that said he’d had his fill of women for a while.

It worked out better anyway. Sam and I got to know each other over a bottle of Cuervo and made a drunken vow that when next we saw Hathor, one of us would put one right between her eyes for what she’d done to Daniel. Sam strangled on her drink when I commented that wasn’t exactly where I’d planned on shoving the barrel of the gun, but I supposed it would do just as well.

He didn’t know what we did for him that day. By unspoken agreement, we met in the VIP suite and proceeded to destroy all the evidence we found. Sam still had a zat, so she vaporized the bed linens; we both knew whose DNA was all over them. If Teal’c or the other women wondered what happened, no one breathed a word of it. The colonel never saw what we did and Daniel never had to answer questions about what really happened in that room.

Daniel and I sort of drifted together and we actually have Sam and Jack to thank for that. When our best friends started seeing each other on the sly, it left both of us at loose ends. So we started going to the movies, out to eat, to lectures. Because it was Wednesday, we rented a convertible and drove to all the way to Denver just to get ice cream. We went to foreign films and Daniel would translate. Only he would add his own dialogue and I would struggle not to giggle out loud. I told him all about my stupid ex and he’d tell me about Sha’re.

I really have no idea when it changed but one night we were sitting in my living room, watching something on TV when he just leaned over and kissed me. After a brief hesitation, I kissed him back. We fell in love, softly, gently, not like a raging river, but like a lazy country stream, inch by inch. By the time he died, I knew I loved him like I’d never loved anyone in my whole life. And when I lost him, I cried like I’d never cried over anyone.

Neither Daniel nor I could have been classified as widely experienced. What we lacked in technique, I like to think we made up for in sheer enthusiasm. There were times Daniel and I never made it past the living room. Or that crazy weekend in Las Vegas where we never made it out of the hotel room. Or a never-to-be-forgotten incident in Jack’s truck; afterwards we took it to the car wash and when quizzed, Daniel lied and said he’d spilled a cup of coffee all over both of us.

Putting my hands to my face, I realize I’m crying now. This will not do, I scold myself, I certainly don’t want to heap any more emotional baggage on him than he is already burdened with. I hastily scrub at my face with a tissue, using the glass front of a cabinet to check my make-up.

When Daniel and Teal’c come back in, I am the professional Dr. Fraiser once again.

*

The colonel thinks he’s just going to merrily take Daniel home with him. It’s small-minded of me, I know, but I take a certain satisfaction in telling him Daniel is going nowhere tonight. General Hammond backs me; until they know for sure it’s Daniel, he’s confined to base. We know it is Daniel, haven’t doubted it for a minute, but there is the small matter of the DNA test. I point out that it can take as long as fourteen days to complete DNA testing, but that I’m certain that we can expedite the sample. To make sure there is no question about the results, I had them sent to two different labs.

“But what about fingerprints?” Jack always tries to find a way around the rules.

“The fingerprints do match, Colonel.” I admit.

“There you go, it’s him. Now can I take him home?”

“He is in the infirmary for the night, Colonel. And that is non-negotiable.”

The general agrees. “Until we can prove he is Dr. Jackson and we get him reinstated,” Jack snorts, I suppose that is a colorful euphemism for having him declared un-dead, “he will have to remain on base. I’m sorry, Jack, that is also non-negotiable.”

Because I can be gracious in my victory, I smile at the colonel. “Would you like to sit with him for awhile? I need to go tell Cassie.”

He leaps on the opportunity.

*

Two hours later, I’m back on base. Cassie and I had a very nice cry-fest, I declined to let her come back with me to see Daniel. I hated to leave her but she insisted I go back to Daniel.

Jack is still by Daniel’s bedside; I swear he hasn’t moved a muscle. He appears to be engrossed in the murder mystery he’s reading, although he gives me a faint “hi” as I walk in. All the way back, I’d thought there was something else that needed to be done, something niggled on the edge of my mind and I couldn’t quite figure out what I’d forgotten. Then it came to me in a flash.

“Colonel,” I beckon to him after I’ve given Daniel a once over, my treacherous hand lingering on his face but he never stirs from his deep sleep. Jack follows me away from the bed. “Colonel, what about Dr. Langford?”

“Shit!” He looks at his watch and winces; 0200 has come and gone. “Too late to tell her tonight. I’ll go in the morning.” He grimaces. “Well, later this morning. I’ll take Carter with me, Catherine seems to like her.”

I glance up at him. “Are you saying she doesn’t like you?”

“She thinks Daniel should have been left in an ivory tower where he couldn’t get hurt. So every time something happened to him, it was naturally my fault.” He tries to smile.

“This wasn’t your fault.”

“I should never have left him alone with those scientists, should have made Carter stay with him that day. She’d have seen what was happening before it was too late.”

“But could she have stopped them, talked them out of it? Daniel did try.”

“I don’t know, I honestly don’t. I’ve relived that day over and over, I don’t know what I could have done to make a difference.”

“Does it really matter now?” We look over at the man we both love. I am beyond grateful that I could report that there were no residual effects of radiation poisoning.

“No, it doesn’t seem to matter at all right now.” He surprises me by kissing me on the forehead, hugging me as if I were Cassie. “How about you get some sleep?”

“I was just going to suggest the same thing to you.” Okay, neither of us leaving here tonight. “I’ve got a deck of cards in my office, how about some poker?”

His eyebrows waggle suggestively. “Strip poker?”

I laugh over my shoulder at him as I go for the cards. “You wish.”

*

“Didn’t I beg you not to send him on this mission? I told you he wasn’t ready. You can’t just take it for granted that his memories are going to come back right when he needs them the most!” I am so scared the only way I can cover it is to give in to the anger.

“He’s not by himself,” the colonel points out. “He has Jonas with him.”

“Yeah, and we all know how it turned out the last time he had Jonas there to help him!” I slam the door to my office and throw the lock before Jack can follow me in. Falling into my chair, I put my head down on my desk, longing to give in and have a good howl. But I can’t. At this very minute, I’m Janet Fraiser, doctor and professional, not Janet Fraiser, a woman frightened for the man I love. I take fifteen minutes to calm myself so that I can present a somewhat normal face to my staff.

The colonel is still there when I come out. “Unless you’re sick, I’d prefer if you didn’t linger in my infirmary, Colonel O’Neill.”

“We’ll get him back, Janet, we will.”

“Who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself?” I point toward the exit and he finally departs.

*

I haven’t been able to eat or sleep since Daniel left. I honestly didn’t want to send him and it had nothing to do with my personal feelings. I got a chill when I looked into those eyes; it was like I could see all the way through him. He seemed insubstantial, wispy, as if he could simply disappear at any time. I did not think he was up to the challenge, but I was overruled since I had no medical reason to ground him. Gut feelings don’t mean much when the fate of the world is at stake.

My staff has started avoiding me, some of the more hapless ones have caught the rough edge of my tongue. So when a knock comes on my open door, I’m prepared to send someone else away with a few choice words. Opening my mouth, I stop just in time when I see the stars. I leap to my feet. “General.”

“As you were, Dr. May I?” He points toward the chair across from my desk.

“Oh, of course, sir.” I wait until he is seated before lowering myself to my chair.

“O’Neill just dialed in from Kelowna. Dr. Jackson and Mr. Quinn are there. Quinn took a staff blast, but the colonel says it’s not bad. Dr. Jackson is fine.”

I know all the color drains from my face. “Thank God.” I whisper.

*

I drop my pencil when Daniel casually mentions that his memory seems to be returning. With a murmured apology, I retrieve it from under the briefing room table, stalling for time. Then I realize then general is speaking to me. “I’m sorry, sir?”

“I was asking if there was some way you could gauge, medically, how Dr. Jackson’s memory is progressing.”

“Not really, sir. If his memory started to return during the mission,” I glance over and get a nod from him, “then I would assume that those types of memories may be closest to the surface and return more easily. Reading mission reports may have jogged some things lose.”

“What about my personal memories?”

I shake my head. No one knows how sorry I’ll be if those never return. “The longer you go, I would suspect the harder those memories are going to be to access. And those are the ones that will be the hardest to deal with. Your psyche may just decide to keep that door shut forever. It’s all just speculation, sir. He could wake up in the morning and remember everything.”

As the briefing ends and they all wander out the door, Daniel lags behind, waiting for me. “Dr. Fraiser?”

It’s on the tip of my tongue to remind him of my first name, but I let it go. “Yes, Daniel?”

“Are you going to Jack’s for dinner tonight?”

I hold his chart to my chest to steady my shaking hands. “I am. I’m going to go home and change clothes and pick up Cassandra.” Suddenly I realize what he’s asking. Jack invited everyone to his house, but, being Jack, he hasn’t given a thought to how an amnesiac Daniel is supposed to find this house. “Why don’t you ride with me? You can meet Cassie while I change, then we can go to Jack’s.”

His face softens in relief. And my gut clenches when I realize why. Because of all of us, I’m the least threatening to him, that I’m neutral and can be relied upon to take a step back. If he only knew the truth. His worried “if that’s okay?” jolts me back to the present.

I answer without actually engaging my brain. “That’s very okay.”

I force myself to walk out the door beside him; to smile and chat with him on the elevator make plans to meet in his office. As if we were never anything more than friends.

He gives me a sweet smile as the elevator whisks him away.

In the words of my teen-age philosopher, life really sucks.