if u wanna email me its  Savagrdn@aol.com
please read these storys in order.
Pittsburgh part 1 

Disclaimer: i wrote this, this story is not true. i wrote this in 2003

It was late Tuesday night in Pittsburgh. A 19 year old teenage girl, sits alone behind the

Petterson center. She shivers from the cold and wipes her nose on the edge of her made hoodie sleeve.

“Ok I think that’s the last of them.” Said the security guard.

They watched the last few fans walk down the street towards the parking lot.

“No wait I think we missed one, I see one sitting by the building…I hope that’s the last one. My hands getting tired from signing pics.” Said Joel.

“I love meeting fans.” Said Benji.

They went over to her there body guard started to follow them.

“Dude were ok with this one, its just one girl... no harm in that.”

“Ok if you need me page me, ill watch you guys from the tour bus.”

They went over to the fan. They noticed she was sitting, hugging her knees, gently rocking back and forth. They got closer to her and they could hear her crying.

“What should I do?” Joel asked to Benji.

“I don’t know... ask her if she’s ok.”

Joel sat down beside her.

“Hey.. you alright?"

They heard her whisper no.

“Are you a run away?”
”No...” She looked up. She saw them, the blurry ness of her eyes from tears and the lights above from the streets, made them look like angels.

“I came here…. To see you.. And my friends left me.”

“Left you, where did they go?”
”Home… back to Ohio.”

“So... You’re stuck here.. Do you have a hotel to go to?”

“No... We were gonna drive back together... they…….just walked off...we got in an argument.” She sniffled and rubbed her nose against her sleeve a bit.

“Was it a physical fight?”

“No…. but  ... I had a pocket knife in my pocket.” She raised her sleeve to show a cut on her wrist. Blood had dried a bit. A dried drip down her arm.

Benji took off his hat and bandana. He wrapped the bandana around her wrist.

“Did you cut anywhere else?”

She leaned against Joel. Who was sitting next to her.

“Why don’t you come to the tour bus with us, we’ll work something out. We can’t just have you sit out here.” Said Benji.

“Really, you’d let me stay on your bus. I’m not gonna get in trouble.”

***
”Is she ok dude?” Billy asked Benji.

“Yea.. She’ll be fine. I don’t think she’s used to this, guys taking care of her.” Said Benji.

Heather was sitting up front on a couch. Joel was cleaning her cuts with medicine.

“So, why did you come to Pittsburgh to see us?”
”Because…I wanted to get away, be far away from where I live.”

“So in a way you are a run away.” Said Joel.

“Yes, I guess. I’ve always wanted to run away.” Said Heather.

“Have you done this before?” Joel asked as he put the bandage on her wrist.

“Yes, I’ve never used a pocket knife before.”

“Were going to get you help. You shouldn’t go home until your ok. Where you don’t have to do this again.”

She saw Benji walk in, and sat down next to her.

“Dr. Joel here... how are you doing?” asked benji.

Heather lowered her sleeve, to cover her wrist.

“My wrist still stings... I feel warm. Can I step outside and get some fresh air.”

“Sure. Let me just tell the bus driver to stop.”

The bus pulled over to the side of the road.

“I won’t be to long.”

The driver opened the door and she stepped out. She started to walk down the side of the driveway towards a nearby bridge.

“Hey someone should go with her, make sure she’s ok.” Said Billy.

“I feel bad for her, like I want to do something for her.” Said Benji, as he looked over at the picture of cashdog.
”dude, you don’t…like have feelings for her.. She’s kinda mentally unstable.”

“Growing up, we weren’t mentally stable either.”

“We weren’t, but we never cut ourselves.”

Benji looked out the window. He didn’t see her standing near the bus.

“We’d better get going, if we want to be home by tomorrow morning.”
”Where’s she gonna go, I don’t think we should take her to a hospital.”

“Well, I’m sure we have some friends, maybe we could drop her off at Sarah’s for the weekend while where home.”

Benji pulled up his hood, on his made hoodie, and zipped up the front. And put on Joel’s skeleton gloves. It was late fall already and it was cold outside.

She was no where to be found.. not in the back of the tour bus.. Or on the other side. He didn’t know weither she smoked or not, he assumed maybe she was having a cigarette.

He saw her in the distance, on a freeway bridge, just standing there, on the curb, looking over the fence.

“Heather, you ok?”
She was startled by his voice that awoke her from the trance she was in.

She looked at him, her eyes red, eyelashes wet.

“Yea. I’m fine. Just.. observing the stars up above.. and the cars.. Below on the freeway, I wonder how fast there going.”

“Probably pretty fast, it’s a long way down from up here.” Benji walked closer to her,“Look I know what you’re going through.”

“Your taking me to a hospital aren’t you?”
”What.. No way, mostly likely to Sarah’s apartment for the weekend. But if you’d like us to take you to counseling we can, we’ll do whatever we need to do.”

“I don’t want to go home anymore.”
”You don’t need to go home if you don’t want to. But you watch, you hang out on the tour bus for a night, we’ll make you laugh I’m sure.”

She half smiled then frowned again.

“Come on.”

 She followed him back towards the bus.

“You weren’t really gonna jump were you?”
She didn’t answer.

“I’ve lost to many people, I don’t want you to become a memory, another set of initials to write on my hand.”

Then just out of the blue she gave him a quick hug and said thank you.

The rest of the band was watching from the window.

After they got on the tour bus, Joel, Paul and Billy smiled at them.

“Dude that was sweet.” Said Joel.

“Yea reminded me of Jack and Sally.”

“Jack and Sally?”
”Nightmare before Christmas, don’t tell me you haven’t seen that movie.” Asked Billy.
”Yes! She has.” Said Benji.

I looked at Benji confused.

“If you would have said no, we would have had to watch it for the 38th time.” Said Benji quietly.

“So... what can we help you with?” asked Paul.

“What do you mean?”
”Well there has to be more then just your friends that made you want to cut, your parents and friends aren’t around so you can share with us whatever you want.”

“My parents.. my mom.. She’s never around, my dad.. I feel like he treats me like a child.”
”Dads suck.” Said Joel.

“Yea.. Our mom, she never understood, trying to start a band…the music we listened to, she thought all of it as evil.” Said Benji.

“I had a great mom and dad.” Said Billy.

“Me too.” said Paul.

Benji’s cell phone went off.

“If it’s Christina…..”
”No.. its Tony. Don’t worry Christina wouldn’t call me,, hey Tony, how the fuck are ya buddy.” Benji smiled.

“So tell us more, like do your parents know you feel this way?” asked Paul.
”No.. They have no idea, how I’ve felt, what I’ve done to myself.”

“Whenever I feel down, I think about Cashdog, most of the time when I’m depressed.. It’s because I miss cash, that’s why we always keep a picture of cash around. Josh takes care of him when were out of town.”

“Tony says listen to hold on.”

“I have.. it helps.”
”And he says we should take you to a Mest party. Yea what are you guys doin tonight... oh ok… no Tony your not cutting her clothes off. You can cut mine off... i don’t mind that.”

“So your parents are divorced?”
”yea…they divorced when I was seven… my mom remarried, the same month I graduated from high school, and I moved to a new house too…my dads trying to make up for all the years we didn’t visit each other.”

“Tony wants to know if you drink?” asked Benji.

“Yes.. I drink, not socially.”

“I’m glad we found you before it was to late.” Said Joel. He said, looking down at his hand, running his fingers over the AMC.

Benji turned off his cell phone.

“You hungry?”
”No.. that’s ok, thanks anyway.”
”Did you have dinner before the concert?”
”No.. it’s ok really. I think I’m gonna go take a nap.”

“Sure... bunk beds...hmm...we have an extra one, bottom bunk, the last one in the back on the left.”

“Were gonna play golf on our play station for awhile.”

She walked to the back towards the bunk bed.

“Do you guys have a extra tooth brush and tooth paste?”
”Yea in the cupboard.. the bathrooms in back to the left.. after the bunk beds. Cupboards above the sink.. I should brush my teeth too.”
Benji was just starting to think up excuses to spend time with her so he would know she’s ok.

Benji walked back with her.
”Dude... if he spends to much time with her, he’s gonna start getting depressed too. He’ll go back to Prozac. She’s the last thing Benji needs in his life.”

“Benji was on Prozac.”

“Yea.. after our dad left.. mom got worried about him, suicide attempts…so he was put on Prozac.”

“Hey… yea... toothbrushes.”
”Damn Benji you have enough hair dye?” heather said looking at the 2 rows of hair dye in the cupboard.

“Yea... you know what... the first thing you need to do, to be happier about your life, is change something about yourself... hmmm… how would u like a little color in your hair.”

“I’d like red.”

Benji got the red hair dye and ran a little streak of it down near the bangs... on the right side of my head.

“Cool.” Said Heather,“You got enough painkillers.” Looking at the bottles lined up on the bottom shelf.

“Yea... the band needs it after concerts, all that screaming.” Benji finished brushing his teeth.“Ok I'm gonna go back to the front room, play some video games for awhile.”

“Alright, thank you.”

“Hospital dude.” Said Joel as Benji sat down and grabbed the game controller.

“Shut up.”

“Dude I’m just lookin out for you. That kind of girl is not good to have around. She’s gonna bring everyone down with her problems.” Said Joel.

“Having a girlfriend and being in a band isn’t so bad.” Said Billy.

She eyed the painkiller bottles, took one off the shelf. And opened it. Counted how many was left. And put it back.

***

“Sarah has a nice place.”

“Yea it’s a good neighborhood, Waldorf. She never wanted to leave, cause with our mom being sick. She visits her often to take care of her.”

The tour bus pulled in the driveway.

“Does she live with a room mate?”
”Nope, just her. You guys will get along great. Plus you’ll get advice from a girl’s point of view.”

“Maybe she can improve your self esteem.” Said Joel.

“That’s Joel for ya, always stating the obvious.” Said Paul.

Sarah had a two story white house, very friendly, flowers in the front yard. A red volts wagon beetle in the driveway.

She opened the door.

“Hi, Benj, wow what did you do to your hair this time… a Mohawk again. And Joel... look at you...following in your brothers foot steps.”

Sarah smiled and hugged them.

“Paul, Billy ... Always happy to see the whole GC family. Come in, stay for awhile.”
”Can’t... we want to go visit mom, how is she doing?”
”She’s better, getting out more; I shopped with her, at the Annapolis mall. The hair dresser place asked about you, wondering when you’re coming back to work.”
Joel laughed.

“And whose this…” she took one look at heather, “I told you I’m not holding a safe house for your groupies.”

“No... She’s not a groupie. Sarah where’s your manners, this is Heather. She’s going to be staying with you for awhile. She needs a place to stay.”
”You guys could have called ahead of time.”

“Can you excuse us Heather?”

“Uh… Yea sure.” Heather went back to the tour bus.
”But you have a extra room.” said Joel, “It’s either she stays here, or where taking her to a hospital.”

“Well... you’re not giving me much room to say no.” said Sarah.

“Please... We did a lot for you growing up. Who worked all those hours so you could have a close to as normal life as possible? Paying the bills and everything… It’s just for one weekend.”

“Ok, ok, ill let her stay.”

“She has some emotional issues… so just watch out for her, take her shopping. She’s got very low self esteem.”

“Well Benji sounds like your last girlfriend.”

“We got some presents for you from the road.”

Joel gave her the bag he was holding, “just some c-d’s we found from b-side records. We were there for awhile filming all things rock.”

“Aww thank you so much.”

They went back to the tour bus and got heather.

“She said yes, so its ok... You got all your stuff together, don’t want you to forget anything.”
”I just had my purse that’s all.”

“Well Sarah’s gonna take you shopping.”

“Is she nice... She’s not gonna be mean to me and leave me at her house while she goes out and parties.”

“Nope, she’s nothing like girls you probably were friends with in high school, she’s a very kind, outgoing, generous girl. She just finished up her first year at Maryland state university.”

Benji and Joel walked with heather up to the front door.

She greeted Sarah, Sarah smiled and shook her hand.

“Well have a lot of fun I’m sure. Paint our nails. Go to the spa.”

“Hey Benji might want to stay for that... he’s into that kind of stuff.” Said Joel.

“You guys are still making fun of each other... Thought you two would grow out of it.”

“Nope... he’s still a asshole.” Said Benji smiling.

They said goodbye and got back on the bus.

“So….Why are you really here?” Heather turned to see Sarah standing at the doorway. Looking at her like she had just robbed a store.

Without letting heather answer she said, “I know why you’re here... Your just trying to find out information about my brothers... this is all a secret scam... for you and your friends to meet the band... so you can take pictures of everything and go put it on websites…or... your thinking you can be his girlfriend so you can be on MTV and be famous for a few months.. what is it?”
”No... I’m not...” She felt helpless, scared and lost.

“I saw the way my brother looked at you.” She paused. “I haven’t seen him act like that... in a long time, and if this is all some kind of trick.”

Heather pulled down her sleeves to her shirt. Gently peeled away the gauze.

“There ya happy! I'm not the girl you thought I was.”

Heather turned around... towards the sidewalk.

“Where are you going?”

She sat down, and got out her cell phone.

“No... wait.. Hey... sorry about that.. I get those angry outbursts from my dad I think, you should come inside the house, its cold outside.”
”I don’t care.”

“I have makeup that you can put on those scars. I used to cut too. I never told Benj or Joel but, razors, knifes... been there done that, come in.. I’ll make some tea and talk. You like tea?”
”Yes... I love tea.”

Heather stood up... and followed her into the house.

Sarah’s cell phone went off.

“Benj, you at moms yet?”
”No...  I found a sports store, they had cool golf stuff, how’s Heather doing?”
”Great... things didn’t start off good, I got a little bitchy at her.”
”Just when I told her you were a kind and nice girl, you be careful, if she leaves you, she’s got no where to go. Unless we come pick her up again.”
”No... Benj I can handle it. I’m in charge of the sorority at MSU, so I’ve dealt with girls emotional problems.”

“Ok, Tony’s here he wants to talk to heather, Mest was at a hotel in Waldorf, and we picked them up there hangin with us for awhile.”

Sarah gave me the cell phone.

“What’s up biatch?”

I could hear Joel in the background, “Don’t be insulted by that he calls all girls bitch’s.”

“I’m ok I guess.”
”Benj has been telling me about you, you sound pretty cute. To bad you can’t come to my party.”
”I thought you just liked guys.”
”I can still think girls are pretty. Like Amy Lee, she’s hot.”

Joel hit Tony’s shoulder, “Ya dumb fuck, Amy’s mine.”

“But anyway, you’re not used to accepting complements huh?”
”No.”

“You’re not real talkative are you?”
Benji grabbed the phone away.

“Hi, don’t listen to him. He’s got a hangover, I’ll let you go. I promise you’ll have more fun at Sarah’s then you would over here.”

“Ok... but if anything goes wrong, ill call you.”

She gave the phone back to Sarah.

“Yes I know... ok... I will.” She put her phone back in her purse.

“I guess I’ll show you your room.”

“How was Benji looking at me?”
Sarah didn’t answer her, just walked down the hallway, past the living room.

“Here... your rooms right across from mine, so I’ll hear you if you sneak out of the room…since were going shopping tomorrow for your new clothes, you can wear my clothes for now.” Sarah opened her closet. She was an Abercrombie and Fitch kind of girl. Not my type, but I had to deal with it.

“You have anything black to wear?”

“Nope, I try to be as different from my brothers as possible.”

Sarah showed me around the room, where everything was.

“Here, I have a extra journal. I want you to write, while you’re here, like if something’s bothering you, and feel free to share it with me later, so we can talk about it.”

It was a black leather book, with a black pen, black feather at the top of the pen.

She showed me in the main bathroom, she had makeup that helped make scars go away.

I put that on my wrists, and the scratch’s I made on my legs.

Sarah went to the kitchen and put child safety locks on the knife drawers, she had the safety locks because her best friend had a toddler that would come over sometimes.

“Well I’m going to sleep, I’m sure you had a late night, those guys don’t sleep much while there on tour. Ill have breakfast for you in the morning. Ill keep the hallway light on.”

”Thank you.”

“I’m really glad I can help you. With always having guys around in the house it will be nice to have you to hang out with.”

“Hey... I had no where else to go.”

Sarah smiled and shut the door.

I turned on the light beside the bed. And got out the journal she gave me. Decided to write down how I felt.

Sarah has let me into her house for the weekend, to change my personality, improve myself esteem, kind of friend therapy. I still want to cut though. Not like she could stop me. There’s probably something sharp in this room I could use, but I shouldn’t. I wonder what she meant by how Benji was looking at me. I have a feeling she’ll give up on me soon.

Heather thought back on yesterday, yesterday afternoon, she was just a good charlotte fan, going to there show. To escape out of Ohio for awhile. To be devoted and support her favorite band in the whole world. She smiled a little and turned off the light.

“Dude...” Joel woke up... his head hurt, there was a pizza box on his lap. He sat up and looked around the room. He remembered that he was at Tony’s party. Tony and Benji were sleeping on the floor near each other.

25 people crammed in the same room, Joel could smell cigarette smoke and beer.

Joel sat up and pushed the pizza box off his lap. Which fell on Paul, since Joel was sleeping on the couch.

“Ow…sick boy go back to sleep... it’s to early.”

Joel went over to where Tony was sleeping, “You got any food?”
Tony rolled over, “Fucked... up kids...”

“Ok I’ll get it myself.” Joel walked to the kitchen, making sure to step careful avoiding the people sleeping on the floor.

He found some doughnuts that were hard as a rock, and some old milk. With food poisoning earlier that year he didn’t trust Tony’s food much. All the pizza was eaten, all the beer was drunk. Beer bottles lined up on the sink. Someone was sleeping on the kitchen table.

Joel went back to the living room, and sat on the couch again, he found the remote that Billy was holding and turned on the TV but kept the sound down.

Tony woke up, looked around. “That was a fucking great party.”

Benji woke up. “Can we watch golf on TV?”

“That’s the first thing you say when you wake up, not surprised, and were watching baseball.”
”Golf.”

“Baseball!”

“Someday I’m gonna take one of your golf clubs and shove it up.”
 “Ok anyone want breakfast?”

Everyone else started waking up.

“Who are all of these people, I know you guys and something corporate is here…

But… wow the whole damn neighborhood’s here.”

“I put a free beer and pizza sign at the end of the street with my address.”

“Good idea.” Said Billy, “Hey nightmare before Christmas’s on!”

“Dude were not watching that.” Said Joel.

Tony went to the kitchen, GC got up and followed.

“Hey all we have is cereal.” Tony got out a bucket from under the sink.

“Ya sure that’s clean.”
”Don’t know don’t care.” He poured 3 boxes of different kinds of cereal into the bucket. Then he got out the milk.

“That milks old, I checked the expiration date this morning.”
”Oh that’s ok… ya just gotta shake the bottle up a bit. It’s fine.”

“Ew that’s sick dude.”

Tony drank some and put it back.

He grabbed a stack of plastic bowls and spoons.

More people started waking up. Got in line for cereal.

Heather had woken up early that morning. Peeled her white bed sheets off her bed. Tied the ends of them together. To make one long rope. Walked to the bedroom closet door. Draped the bed sheet rope over the closet door, and closed the door shut. She found a wooden chair.  She made a hoop at the one end of the rope. She smiled at her creativity.

Sarah walked in, she was carrying a tray of food.

“Hey… What are you doing!?” she put the tray of food down on a dresser by the doorway.

“I was getting ready for my escape.”

“I’m not gonna let you do this to yourself.” Sarah opened the closet and brought down the bed sheet, “You’re just going to have to sleep without bed sheets.”

She felt like she was caught red-handed. And now that Sarah has disrupted her plan, heather felt more sad.

“I made you breakfast in bed.” Heather sat back on the bed.

“Thanks.” Heather said quietly. There was a card on the corner of the tray by the food.

“What’s this?” Asked Heather.

“It’s a reminder card, a complement.”

She turned over the card and read its message, ‘You are wonderful.’ “I want you to tell yourself that, before you go to sleep and when you wake up.”

“I’m not wonderful.” I crumpled the note, and threw it in the trash.

“If I tell you enough, you’ll start to believe it, just like you started to believe those things kids teased you about growing up, you’ve been like brain washed into thinking your not good enough.”

“You wouldn’t understand.”
”I don’t understand, you think I wasn’t made fun of like Benji and Joel were. Yea I was a little bit more popular then them, so it wasn’t as bad, but still, I had to go and stick up for them so they wouldn’t get beaten up every day. They would say, your brothers are the freaks right. Id go to there baseball games when mom couldn’t and dad didn’t care. So don’t tell me I don’t understand.”

“Sorry…”

She sat on the bed.

“Come here I want to talk to you, here sit.”

Heather sat on a chair near by.

“I have a list of questions… That can help me understand you better. Like why you became depressed. Now you don’t have to answer these if you don’t want to. If you’d like to just write the answer down in your journal and tell me at a later time that’s ok with me. But know that whatever you tell me. Only I will know.”
”You won’t tell Benji or Joel?”
 “No. a promise is a promise. Working in a sorority its all about trust.”

"Ok... If you really want to know.”

“Your friends, didn’t want to know what was wrong?”
”They did… but then they’d get mad… or say I’m complaining that I need to grow up. So… I stopped sharing with them what was wrong.”

“Ok… Let’s start off…your childhood.” Sarah grabbed a journal off the desk to write in.

“Well… What do you want to know?”

 “Were you abused?”
”From my parents no… but my brother yes.”

“Verbal insults from your parents or family members?”
”Yes... My brother. ….my parents would leave for work and he’d baby-sit me…he’d just get really angry, and hit me, but he never got in trouble.”

“Did you ever tell your mom?”
”Yea of course, but she'd say he’s a guy and he’s older. Or some shit like that…I never understood it.”

“Benji told me you have asthma how was that when you were little?”
”Well… I had physical therapy, I spent the first 3 years of my life mostly in the hospital… I didn’t roller skate, or bike ride like the other kids were doing as kids.”

“So… You felt left out a lot? Did you have friends in elementary school?”

“Yes… I was accepted then. No one made fun of me. Life was good.”

“Tell me about your parents divorce?”
”Where are you getting all these questions?”
”Therapy… Our family was in group therapy, except my dad.” Said Sarah.

“I’m sorry…”

“No… don’t feel sorry. I accept it now.”

“You must still feel angry though.”
”Hey what’s this talk about Heather… me or you?”

Heather went silent.

“Ok… That’s what I thought, now… the divorce.”

 “Yea… my parents got divorced… when  I was seven.”
”Did you take it well?”

“Yea... They sent me and my brother to counseling. So it was ok… my dad moved out. Moved… about thirty minutes away.”

“Ok... Were you mad at your parents for splitting up?”
”Sure... I was more mad that we had to move, I moved to another area…switched school systems.”

“Did you tell your parents you were mad?”
”Yea... They always thought of it as me complaining. Or not being appreciative of what I have. Or being selfish.”

“Then what happened?”
”Well… I started 3rd grade…..then the teasing started in 4th.”
”And what did they tease you about?”
”My hair, the way I dressed. Everything….then when I got to middle school it got worse. I felt more left out. Cause there was cliques forming.”
”What was your brother doing at this time in your life?”
”Well… he was making lots of friends, getting a job. Getting a car. Forming his own band.”

“So you’re jealous I see?”
”Yes very, and he got straight A’s.”

“Yea… I used to compare myself to josh, he was the smart one in the family.”

“Then my dad moved farther away... not to far... but still…. Then my mom started dating...”

“How did that make you feel?”
”I hated it, I felt like these guys were taking time away from my mom spending time with me.”

“Ok, then what happened, tell me about high school.”
”Well... Teasing continued, the few friends I did have worked all the time. Every day. So id just have to find things to do alone on the weekends…when I was 15 I attempted getting my licenses, but I didn’t have anyone to practice with... kept getting my temporary…then I just gave up. Same thing with a job, I’d fill out tons of applications but no one called me back.”

Sarah was writing everything down.

“Then in 9th grade, I went to the school physiatrist, cause my science teacher found out I cut... And it helped for awhile... Then I thought I was better so I stopped going. I guess in 9th grade is when the depression set in… my brother graduated... and moved out. So that helped a bit.”

“Did you tell your friends you cut?”
”Oh yea, like id write stuff down, how I felt and id show it to them, they got angry. Like this is a stupid thing to do to yourself. You’re scaring me. I hid the scars by wearing long sleeved shirts. I did join the drama club in 9th grade, so that gave me something to do. But still I felt like an outsider.”

“Your mom never noticed the scars?”
”Yea she did once... She asked me what had happened. I said that hmm... Man it was so long ago I don’t remember... but she didn’t think much of it. So I just continued, then my mom found a boyfriend, which whenever he’d come over he’d tease me.”

“So… you’ve had like a vicious cycle of teasing in your life... by everyone around you.”
She nodded.

“What did he tease you about?”
”My friends, the music I listened to, the shows I watched…then in11th grade she told me and my brother that they were going to get married... which… I mean I should be happy for my mom... but I couldn’t.. it was 10 years since I had lived with a father type person.”

“You didn’t spend time at your dads?”
”Well... he worked a lot... like he worked after I got off school ... he’d get home at midnight... and…he’d have one day off... so I never stayed there.”

“So... what happened senior year of high school, usually that’s the best for high school students.”
”For me it was the worst…packing up my stuff... my mom would tell me that my stuff was crap... cause I had a lot of boxes.. Them planning the wedding... Having people see the house... I had lived there since I was 7…so... I …. All I wanted was just to finish the year in that room... you know… at least stay there till I graduated.”

“But you didn’t? Did you tell your dad what was bothering you?”

“Well... he’d ask sometimes... he realize something was wrong... but I never told him… I always said it’s ok…cause he thought of me as his little baby girl.”

“So... What happened at the end of your senior year?”
”Well... I graduated... had to let go of my friends.. Who still to this day don’t hear from.. Had to move... and live with a step dad. It’s like every other minute it would be confrontations. Everything he did just annoyed me. And he still teased me. They had the wedding... I actually didn’t even want to go, sounds mean of me huh?”
”No... It’s normal.”

“After the senior year….. Summer of 2002…it was all about dealing with living with my step dad... Kind of staying out of his way. They’d go on vacations... My mom and step dad... and leave me at the house... alone. Not that I didn’t like that. I loved it... but it would be like twice a month... and…. I just got jealous cause I never got to on vacations with them…that month I found a job.. My first job.. I was a bus girl, underpaid, and over worked. I thought my friends would be proud of me I got a job... but no... They just said... well now your learning responsibility….”

“Did you want to work?”
”No… well yea for my own personal benefit... to show myself that I could do it... but mostly it was to show my family and my friends that I could be responsible. And that I wasn’t a lazy teenager…during that summer I started taking pills…painkillers…..and I drank on and off for two years.”

“Not a good combination, do you know what they can do to you?”
”Yea… I know exactly what it can do. September 27th… 3am…. It was after a bad day…downed a couple of pills… and some beer...  was rushed to the emergency room.”

“A couple... how many?”
”30…” She whispered while looking down at the floor.

“Did your parents find out you did that?”
”No... They just thought I had the stomach flu... It was scary being back at the hospital…reminded me of what it was like when I was a baby... to get a IV again… after that I didn’t take more pills…and I eventually stopped drinking.”

Sarah was trying to not let her guard down, and get upset. But in the back of her mind, she kept thinking why a teenager would do this to herself... When she had so much to look forward to.

“So... Wow…what’s happened since the hospital stay?”
”Well... I go to college now... and, I’ve made a few more friends, but still its like there just people I hang out with at college... I don’t really visit them outside of college. I don’t talk to them on the phone either.”

“Well that’s good, I think its good too that your out of high school, don’t have to worry about those kids that made fun of you. How does your step dad treat you now?”
”Well... he still reminds me every day to get a job, and he tells me I’m lazy, and I need to do something productive. Even when I tell him I’m busy in college, it’s like its not good enough for him.”

“What about your dad?”
”Well... I spend some time with him, but he still bugs me about college, and am I taking all my asthma medicine, and about getting my license.”

“How are you in college?”
”I’m an average student.”
”What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“I want to be a artist or a writer, like maybe to illustrations for children’s books or magazines, and with the writer idea... Well... I’ve liked writing for awhile.”

“Pretty soon you’ll realize... that you can live your life... and accomplish your goal.”

She looked over the notes she made. Looked a little surprised.

“Well... out of our whole conversation, you never mentioned guys in your life.”

Heather got a glazed, dreary look in her eyes.

“Come on... I’m sure there’s someone.” Sarah said as she nudged her gently with her arm.

She looked down, she heard her sniffle.

Sarah looked at her watch, “Well…I think we’ve had enough conversation for one morning... Don’t you feel better now that you’ve shared how you felt?”
Heather didn’t answer.

Sarah got off her bed, and went to the door with the journal she was writing in, she looked back to see heather wipe a tears from her cheeks.

“I’ll check back with you later.” Sarah closed the door.

Heather gritted her teeth, grabbed her black book and threw it at the door. Sarah could hear the hard bang. Flinched ... and felt tears in her eyes. She went to her bedroom.

There was a mirror that hung behind that door, which now shattered to pieces, and lay on the pink carpet.

She dabbed her wet eyes. And walked over to the shards of glass, and kneeled down on the floor in front of it.

Sarah sat in her bedroom, and picked up the phone to call Benji and Joel.

“Hey Sarah, is heather ok, you need us to pick her up?”
”No….no Benji, she’s alright. I just wanted to talk to you about her... Is Joel there?”
”Yea, he’s right here.”
”I need to talk to both of you.”
”Sure ill put you on the speaker phone…..ok hi.”
”Hi Sarah.” Said Joel, “you’ve been crying… I can tell.”

“I have not.”
”Yea... siblings can tell these things.” Said Joel.

“What’s going on?” asked Benji, “I knew this was a bad idea... leaving her at your place.”

“Benji would you shut up and just listen to me for a minute.”

Joel’s eyes widened a bit. “She told you dude.”

“I just had like an hour long conversation with Heather…some things I can tell you some things I can’t.”
”And why not... you used to share stuff with us. Especially important stuff.” Said Joel.

“She promised me not to tell.”

“Sarah... this is Heather’s life were talking about.” Said Benji.

“You want me to tell mom about the time you trashed the house cause of the party you had when mom was away for weekend therapy two years ago?”

“Look….. Last year she had an overdose…”
”On what…what happened?” Asked Joel.

Benji just stood there…shocked.

“She took painkiller and alcohol. Don’t tell her I told you please.”

“I won’t…we promise.”

“I seem to be the only person she can trust right now.” Said Sarah.

“I just…..can’t believe...” Benji got quiet.

“Benji….. Stop….I know what’s going on... and don’t.”
”What... you don’t know?”

“Yes I do… I saw the way you looked at her.”
”What I can’t look at girls now?”
”Benji... seriously... I don’t know what’s going to happen to her, or what she’s capable of... I don’t want you to do something tragic if she does.”

“Ok fine I won’t... I’ll keep my fucking mouth shut.”

Joel could hear Sarah sobbing quietly on the other line.

It started to remind him of the times there parents would argue… and there mom would end up upset.

“Sarah it’s gonna be ok.” Said Joel, “We’ll let you go ok... get some rest. Were gonna stay here at moms for the night.”

“Ok….bye.” Sarah hung up the phone. Dried her eyes with Kleenex. And went to check up on Heather.

“Heather?” Sarah opened the door slowly. Heather scooted back out of the way. Pushing the door open made some of the glass pieces move to the side.

“Heather…did you do this?”

She didn’t answer. Just sat there with a guilty look on her face.

“Go sit on the bed, while I sweep this up.”

She moved to the bed, Sarah went to the kitchen and got the broom and brush pan.

After Sarah swept it up and threw out the glass pieces, she walked over to Heather sitting on the bed.

“Let me see your wrists.”
”Huh?”
”Raise your sleeves.”

She did, and there were no marks.

“Good… Heather... please listen to me... If you do something to yourself... and Benji and Joel find out... They’ll think I wasn’t helping you. So please… try as hard as you can to not harm yourself… so I can give Benji and Joel a good report when I call them later.”

Heather nodded.

“So... let’s see... it’s almost 11:00am.. What do you think, you want to go to the mall with me, and do some shopping?”

“Ok... I guess.”

I put on my shoes that were underneath the bed.

And we put on our coats. We got in her volts wagon beetle car and headed north to Annapolis.

I attempted to put on the radio.

Good Charlotte’s “The Anthem” came on the radio. Sarah turned it off.

“No radio... let’s talk... Besides they play that song all the time…. So... tell me about your hometown.”
”Well... there isn’t much to do... they have the flats but that’s for twenty one and over.”
”So what do you like to do on your free time?”
”Um…read, go bowling, shop, and write.”

After that it was a quiet ride to Annapolis mall.

“Alright…were here. You’re not mad at me that I dragged you to the mall?”
”No... It’s ok... I like shopping it will be nice.”

She parked the car. Heather admired the mall, white walls on the outside. Wonderfully lit sign on the roof.

“Our mom worked here while we grew up.”

“Oh... cool.”

They walked in to the mall, at the food court entrance. Heather felt a chill of air when she stepped into the mall. Kids near by at a table eating McDonald’s foods.

“You hungry for lunch?”
”No.”
”You should eat something, you didn’t eat the breakfast I gave you this morning.If you don’t eat.”

Heather interrupted her, “Then I don’t get enough energy. And I get more immune to colds... yes I know dad lectures me about that all the time.”

They walked past a hot topic, heather started to walk in, Sarah grabbed the back of her shirt. “Oh no you don’t...”
”What why that’s my favorite store!”

“The clothes in there are to dark and depressing, I want you to try some color.”

I saw a guy with a red Mohawk wearing all black ride by on a lower rider bike. 4 other guys on bikes followed.

The only guys I knew that would ride around in a mall on lower rider bikes would be good charlotte.

Sarah spotted Benji as he rode by. “Hey, what are you guys doing here thought you were staying at moms for the day?”
”Well... She said we were helping out to much around the house, and that we should get out for awhile.”

“Tell Sarah that I can go into hot topic.” Said Heather.

Sarah rolled her eyes.

“Sure, why not.” Said Joel.

“Because... she always wears black... and I feel that she would be happier if she wore softer shades of color.”
”You can boss us around about wearing to much black. But I don’t think you should tell her what she can or can’t wear.”

“Well your not necessarily taking care of her right now are you, when you pick her up Sunday she can wear what she wants.”

Joel looked at me, “Sorry I tried.”

“Were going to Abercrombie and Fitch.”
”But…I don’t like it in there... people look at me weird, like I don’t belong.”

“That’s your first step, being in a place were you feel like you don’t belong, and making the best of it.” Said Sarah as they walked into the store.

“Hey… lets go check out Abercrombie.”
”Benji…. you feeling ok?”
”Yea... I mean... there might be some mad hoes in there... remember that time we went into Abercrombie and you saw that hot chick and asked her to help you find something.”
”Yea... and she walked away from me... Dude they all ignore us in there.”

“So... come on.” They all followed Benji into the Abercrombie store.

Heather followed Sarah around the store. Sarah was picking up things off the racks of clothing.

“See... this would look nice.”

“No it wouldn’t... it’s…..pink.”

Sarah held it up in front of Heather. “It would fit you nicely, let’s try some things on.”

“It was nice of you to pick it out and all but I am not trying those on.”

Sarah went over to a employee, “Yes I’d like a key to the changing room.”

Turns out the employee was one of her sorority sisters.

“Sarah how are you doing?” they hugged.

“Great... just doing some shopping.”

“For yourself... You don’t usually buy those things.”
”No... There for my friend.. Benji and Joel dropped her off.”

Heather stepped closer to them.

“Wow... it’s so nice you’re giving makeovers for underprivileged kids now.”

“Well I always like to do charity work.” They laughed, “But seriously though, Heather’s a cool girl, I’ve had fun hanging out with her.”

“Here’s the key, may I make a suggestion… there are other shirts in the back for girls that are flat. Shirts that show less cleavage.”

“Hey for a sorority sister, I’m shocked.. I thought we were taught respect for others.”
”I respect my sisters.”

Heather grabbed the clothes from Sarah and the key and walked off towards the changing rooms.

Sarah followed behind heather. Heather went into the changing room. She didn’t want to wear the clothes.

“Come on now... she didn’t mean that. You have to ignore people like her. They don’t know you or what you’ve been through.”

Heather threw the clothes on the floor. She lifted up her black GC shirt and removed the rest of her clothing. She looked at her body, she hated it. Everything about it. She hated that she still looked like a young girl not near 20 years old.

The scars... Slowly fading.

Sarah sat down on a chair outside the changing room area. She put her head on her hands... sighed in frustration.

She looked up to see heather walking down the little hallway.

“You look nice.” Granted it was only the clothes that changed, but still, “Take out your pony tail.” She did.

“A little bit dirty... but we can fix that.”

She saw Benji, Joel, Billy, Paul and Chris walking around the store.

“What are they doing in here?”
”Shopping for girls, don’t mind them.”

Paul and Chris were talking to one of the girls. Billy was reading a new play station book. And Benji and Joel walked up behind Sarah’s chair, Joel laughed.

Sarah looked up, “What’s so funny?” Sarah hit Joel hard in the arm.

“Hey you hit like a girl.”

“I am a girl.”

“That shirt’s like…damn... it just doesn’t fit you right.” Said Joel.

“Well maybe we can go to Victoria’s secret and get you a bra with padding in it.” Sarah said to Heather.

Heather blushed and looked down at the ground.

So that Benji wasn’t just standing there like the odd one out… he laughed too.

Heather went back to the changing room.

“Ok leave, you’ve had your few laughs.”
”Hey were still shopping for chicks.”
”Out... now.”

“Dude… this sucks.” Joel laughed again as they walked away, “She’s like what…an A cup.”
”I thought you said that you should be happy with the way you are.” Said Benji.

“Shut up.” Said Joel.

They had to practically drag Paul and Chris away, because they were getting to many phone numbers.

“Hey can we go back to hot topic, I wanna get that nightmare before Christmas shirt I saw in there.” Said Billy.

“Heather… don’t listen to them.” Sarah said. Heather was sitting on the floor of the changing room.

Heather opened the door, her eyes wet.

“Yea... what am I supposed to do, how do you think that made me feel?”
”Not bad, cause I know your better then them. Wait….what does it matter what they say to you... they make fun of people all the time, I think its kind of to get back at people what people did to them in high school, I don’t know, all I know is, you should like you the way you are. Some guy is going to appreciate what you have emotionally not so much physically.”

Heather just sat there quietly.

“Let’s go to Victoria’s Secret, pick out a shirt that you want to get... I want to know that the trip in here at least helped you a little bit.”

“Ok… I’ll get this white shirt, with black heart on it.”

“Not surprised but ok, that good enough for me.”

They walked into Victoria’s secret. There was a perfume stand near the front of the store, Heather tried a vanilla scent and put a bit on her hand. It smelled good.

An employee came up to her. ”Hi can I help you.”

“No thanks I’m just looking.”

She went over to Sarah that was walking to the left side of the store. Heather hoped that Benji and Joel and them wouldn’t walk by the store or walk in.

“I remember when I was younger, my mom said I couldn’t come in here... she said that all these clothes were evil, but you’ve been in here before right?”
”Um... Yea. But I never bought anything from here.”

“Here…size b…that’s what you wear right?”
”Um... yea... “

“Buy something with color in it.. I’m guessing you don’t have any with color.”
”Yea... your right.”

“Try it on with the shirt you got.”

She went to the changing room. The lady’s in the store giving her weird looks.

Heather changed into the bra and shirt.

“See that’s nice.” Sarah said as she walked back out.

“I don’t know…it looks weird.”
”That’s just cause your not used to wearing that yet, imagine how much your own self esteem will be higher.”

They bought the bra, and went to the food court.
”Your going to eat, you haven’t eaten since …I don’t know when. Pick out something and ill go get it for you, you find a table.”

“Taco bell... two soft tacos.”

She found Benji, Joel, Billy, Paul and Chris sitting in the food court, eating Chinese food. There low rider bikes leaning up against a table near by.

“What’s up… did you buy what you needed to buy with Sarah?”
”Yea…” she sat down and put the bag underneath her chair.

“Where is Sarah anyway?” asked Benji.

“She’s buying me food… from Taco Bell.”

“Cool, so show us what you got.” Said Paul.
”No.” She blushed.

“We’ve seen bra’s before.”

“Yea I’m sure you have…ones thrown on stage at your concerts.”

Joel smiled.

“So... You don’t smoke cause of your asthma.”
”Right.”

“And you don’t drink.”
”Not anymore.”

“Yea you shouldn’t your asthma medication wouldn’t be good with alcohol….are you a straight edge?”
Heather ignored the question. She didn’t think she should have to answer that.

Sarah came over with the food and sat down next to heather.

“What’s this I hear about straight edge?” asked Sarah, “What’s a straight edge?”

“You’ve never heard that term?” Asked Joel.

“No... Sorry our preppy, cheerleaders don’t use those type of words.”

“Are you a slut?” asked Benji.

“Benji Levi Madden.”

“Your in trouble now dude, only mom called you that when you’re in deep shit.”

“Apologize to Heather.”

Heather blushed.

“Well let the sluts be sluts.” Said Joel.

Sarah kicked Joel from under the table.

“Fuck... my knee. You kick like a girl.”
”I am a girl you dumbass.”

Billy and Paul laughed.

“This is like that movie breakfast club, where they kept asking that girl if she did, and she eventually flipped out and said no she didn’t.” Said Paul.
”Yea.” Said Joel.

“I bet you’ve been with five guys.” Said Benji.

“No…10...” Said Paul.

They started putting money on the table.

“You guys aren’t betting are you?” Asked Sarah.
”Oh great.” Said Heather.

“Benji what do you say... for... 5 bucks.”
”I say….actually I take the five guys thing back... I say no one.”

“Really why dude that’s stupid, your gonna lose.”

“I can tell, the look in her eyes... she’s to innocent. She seems to embarrassed... If she had she would at least give us a amount.”

“Ok... Heather come on.”

“I just want to sit here and eat my food.”

“Good I won.” Said Paul.

They all gave the money to Paul.

“I didn’t say 10...” said Heather.

“Ok... hmm… 5... That’s what Billy said.”

“Yea come on I need the money for a new tattoo.”

“No...”

“This is turning into be like a damn game show you sick fucks.” Said Sarah.

“Not five.”

They all gave the money to Joel, “Ok... three… it has to be three... damn your starting to make me feel bad for you.”

“Not three…”

“Dude ... Seriously... Benji you won then.”

“I never win bets. Sweet... wait she didn’t say none..”

“None.” She said quietly.

“I didn’t hear that?” Said Joel.

“Joel stop it.” Said Sarah.

“I think she said no one.” Said Billy.

Benji was trying to drink his lemonade but his mind drifted off. He started coughing.

Joel patted him on the back.

“You ok there buddy.”

“Yea….. I’m fine.”

“Well... second bet... who can screw?”  Benji smacked Joel on the head, not to hard though.

“Hey! Oww... what’s with everyone abusing me today? I was just joking around.”

“Well you’re not funny.” Said Benji.

“What about you guys?” asked Heather.

“Come on were going.” Said Sarah.

“But...”
”No there just going to keep making fun of you, maybe until you guys grow up, heather should stay with me.”
”No…seriously were sorry... I know we’ve been acting like jerks.”

“Fake apology real nice Joel... were going back to the house... I will call you tonight though and let u know how heathers doing. You can continue your shopping for girls.”

Heather and Sarah left with there stuff.

“Come on lets finish shopping.” Said Paul.

“Can you guys wait a few minutes... eat another bowl of rice or something.” Said Benji.

“What’s up with you?”

Benji looked down put his hand on his lap.

“Oh... yea guys eat heathers extra taco she left us.”

*Back in Ohio*

“Have you called all her friends?” Asked her mom.
”Yes, I went through her phone book. I called all the ones I knew.”

Her dad had come over, they all sat in the kitchen. A police man was also there and the FBI.

“What about the friends she went with to the concert?” Asked the policeman.

“There still holding them at the police station for questioning.”
”Why would she do this... she’d never do something like this.”

“Maybe she found a guy online, they ran off together.”
”No... she wouldn’t do that.”
”How would you know you don’t live here.” Said her mom.

“I would at least like to think heather is more responsible then that.”

“What about the black leather books she writes in?” she raced up to her bedroom, started opening up the drawers underneath her bed. Frantically pushing journals aside, but no black leather books were to be found.

“She must have taken them with her.”

“Her clothes…everything is still here. She only has a short supply of medicine with her. Whatever happened it must not have been planned.”

“Well... We’ll contact people in Pittsburgh, I highly doubt she’s anywhere besides Pittsburgh.” Said the police.

“Please tell us again what happened?” The policeman asked Tracy.

“Well... we were at the concert.” The policeman turned on the voice recorder, “And... she was fine then… a little quiet, not really enjoying it. Then after the concert, when we were waiting around to meet them, she got really angry.”
”Angry... like in what way?”

“Like every time we tried to talk to her, she’d have snappy comebacks. Like she didn’t care about anything.”
”Ok then what happened.”

“Well... we told her we wanted to leave... she actually thought she could be able to meet the band... When she said no, she started arguing with us. She was swearing a lot. Then she threatened us.”

“Threatened you?”

“Yes... so… since we feared for our own safety we left. Gave her money for a cab and just left.”

“Maybe that wasn’t the smartest thing to do.”
”You know what fuck you... I’m sick and tired of people lecturing us, yes I know it wasn’t a great idea. But I’d rather leave her there then have her in the car with us, with the kind of attitude she had.”

“Hey mom were back!”

“Hey boys, did you enjoy your shopping?”
”Yea… heather was there, Joel was giving her a hard time.”

“You get that from your dad.”

There mom was sitting on the couch, looking at a photo album.

“What you looking at?”
”Pictures of you both when you were younger.” They sat next to her. Paul, Billy and Chris sat on a couch across from them.

“Hey... it’s our first day of school at Waldorf High.”

“The football team took my lunch money that day.” Said Joel.

Benji laughed.

“Didn’t they make you trip in the hallway too?”
”No… that was you dude….. You were chubby back then.” Said Benji.
”Whose chubby now.”
”Shut up.” Benji went to hit Joel in the arm. But there mom held Benji’s wrist.

“Benji don’t hit your brother.”

“Aww look at you two... at the baseball game.”

There mom had turned the photo album into a elaborate scrap book. There therapist said that she should start a hobby to get her mind off there father.

“Remember when we took that baseball bat...”
”So…wow... nice picture...”
”Did what with a baseball bat?” asked there mom, “You guys are going to have to let go of some of that anger.”

“Hey... it’s a picture of dad.” Benji reached for the picture and took it out of its little holding place in the book. He studied it carefully.

“Give that back.”
”Why do you keep this anyway?”
”When you’re older you’ll understand.”
”Mom we are older.”

“Benji Levi Madden give me that picture back right now.”

“He’s never going to call us mom. You have to let go.”

“Dude just give it to mom...”

“Fine! Here.” He gave it to her. And just sat there, frustrated.

She put it back in its place.

There was an odd silence in the room.

“I made some cookies.”
”Oatmeal?” Asked Joel.

“Thank you Mrs. Madden.” Said Paul.

“No problem, I knew you guys were coming over.”

The phone rang.

“I’ll get it.” Said Benji as he munched on a cookie, “Hello?”
”Is Mrs. Madden there?”

“Yea who is it?” There mom always told them to ask who it is just incase there dad surprisingly decided to call.

“I’m calling about a bill that needs to be paid.”

“Who is it dude?” Joel asked Benji.

“I don’t know…something about a bill.”

“Is this the IRS?” asked Benji.

“I would have fucking told you that already Benjamin.”

“Here give me the phone.”

Benji gave the phone to Joel.

“Who is this!?”

“You two shits till owe me for what you did to my car.”

“Dad?”

“Real smart.”

“Joel who is it?” asked there mom. Getting an oatmeal cookie from the cookie jar.

“No one.”

“I hope there not selling stuff, I’m not interested.”

There mom went back into the living room.

“I thought court told you, you couldn’t call her anymore.”

No answer.

“You know we record these calls, we can trace your number back and find where you live, and throw your fucking ass in jail.”

“Joel just hang up... he’s not use the time.” Said Benji.

Joel hung up the phone, and just to be sure, unplugged it.

“Why the fuck would he call?”

“Why would who call, and Benji mind the language, I’ll wash your mouth out with soap one of these days.”

“It…was Josh mom.”
”Oh... you should have let me at least say hi.”
”He’s real busy mom.”

“What are we going to do?” Benji asked quietly.

“Well…. We’ll take the recording to the FBI... and see what they’ll do. About time he gets what he deserves.”
”Yea... I don’t think mom can stand going to therapy again. Nor does she have the money.” Said Benji.

“I just wish we could be here more, to look out for her.” Said Joel.

“I know…”

Joel punched the nearby wall out of anger.

“What was that!” there mom asked from the other room.

“Nothing….. One of your picture frames just fell.” Said Benji.

Joel was rubbing his knuckles.

“So... Did you enjoy your shopping?” asked Sarah.

“Yea, it was nice. It would be nicer if they wouldn’t laugh at me.”
”I think I’ll ask them if you could stay with me longer. You don’t need to put up with there bullshit right now.”

They were sitting in the living room watching TV.

“Well tomorrow were going to take you back near the mall for a makeover.”
”No...not a makeover.”

“Come on Heather, not to insult you but you need a makeover. It will help you emotionally, with your self esteem... we can fix your hair.”
”My hair, what about my hair?”

I felt like she was picking out my flaws, and it wasn’t making me feel any better.

“Well… you’ve had that style for a long time I’m sure, it would be good for a change if you had it shorter. And we can put some actual make up on you, not just black around your eyes and some lip gloss.”

“Ok I guess, whatever you want to do.”

“And you still haven’t talked to me about guys in your life… Heather as difficult as it is, you’ve held those emotions and anger inside. You would feel better if you shared it.”

Heather was quiet.

“You must really hate guys in general then…what with your brother, your dad, your step dad… and if you’ve been heart broken.”

“Yea…. Well what does it matter?”

“It matters a lot, your ideas and views will forever change shape how you want your life to be like.. I remember when I went to homecoming one year in high school, I wanted the guy to meet my family, and Benji, Joel and josh stood at the doorway like guards, stopped him and asked him like 20 questions before he could enter the house.”

“I went to homecoming once.”

“How was it?”
”I didn’t dance with anyone.”

“You think you’re ready to tell me the rest of it?”
Sarah reached over to the coffee table and picked up her journal and her pencil.

“Well how long do we have?”
”All after noon. Just don’t talk to fast so I can take notes.”

“Where should I start?”
”Tell me about the first guy you knew...”

3 minutes later, 2 written pages later. Sarah stopped to take a break.

“He actually embarrassed you like that in the cafeteria?”
”Yep...”
”And…that other guy, told everyone the secret you told him, what a jerk.”

Heather nodded.

“And damn... 9th grade. That’s a lot of feeling to have for someone at such a young age.”
”I was young and stupid.”
”And he just kept calling and harassing you, even though you guys did all that stuff together?”
”Yep… took awhile to get over it... but I’m glad I did.”

Sarah looked over her writing.

“Well you’ve mentioned 7 guys so far. How were your views on guys at this point?”
”I was beginning to give up hope. My friends all had boyfriends at that point... and  I just kind of felt left out.”
5 minutes later.

Sarah felt her own heart breaking, she felt so bad. She couldn’t believe a teenager so nice as her, would have to endure all of the pain.

“So... he was younger?”
”Yea... he wanted to fuck me cause I was a college student and he could tell all his friends, I found out he was going to break up with me after that.”

“Who are all of these bastards, ill go back to Ohio and find them.”
”No... Sarah its ok... it doesn’t bother me anymore.”

“Yes it does… man it would bother me.”

She explained all the guys she knew during the two years of college, and that was more guys then 9th through 12th combined.

“He just said he was to busy for a relationship... and... what... why would a guy date you when he had a girlfriend.”
”Well she was out of town... but he still loved her.”

At the end of the conversation she had 10 pages written, with guys names and a story about each one.

“Heather... I… I don’t know what to say... just that if I was you I would have slit my wrists and put myself out of my misery.”
”I know...”
”No... I mean... I didn’t mean it that way… I just don’t think id be able to deal with it like you did.”

“I’m going to get some sleep.”

“Ok… yea, I am too, we’ve had a long day. But I think it will help now that you’ve told me more how you felt. Ill look over my notes and we’ll talk more tomorrow after your makeover.”

Heather went to her room. Sarah finished up watching her favorite show then went to sleep.

Heather sat on her bed, and wrote in her journal again.

Talking about my problems aren’t helping me, its making me think of all of them… and how much they bother me. The girl in the store made fun of me, then they laughed at me during lunch.  This is supposed to help me? I just want to escape. I’ve wanted to escape to here…Maryland... but now that I’m here I want to leave. But I don’t want to go back home. I don’t have GC stuff with me... so I don’t have that to help me forget my problems. Where can I go?

Heather went to the bathroom, she opened the cupboard.

The top row was lined with white bottles and orange clear bottles. There were a few boxes. Sudafed, no dose, Robetesen pills. Vitamin supplements. Then a row of aspirin, Children’s Tylenol, Advil, Aleve.

Sarah woke up because she could hear some rattling going on down the hall.

Sarah went to the bathroom door.

“Heather?”
”Um... I’m getting some Advil I have a headache.”
”Take the children’s Tylenol... they work better. I don’t want you to take real aspirin.”

Heather rolled her eyes. And grabbed the bottle of no dose and shoved it into her pocket.

She grabbed two children’s Tylenol as a decoy. She held them in her hand and opened the door, sure enough Sarah was there, watching her. She followed heather into the kitchen where she found some apple juice and took the two children’s Tylenol.

“Good night heather, hope you feel better.”

“Ok thanks.”

Sarah went back to her room, put the cloth that said princess over her eyes and went to sleep.

Heather opened the refrigerator again, she only found the apple juice, milk, and pop, nothing with alcohol. She opened a nearby closet, at the bottom, near a box of cereal was two six packs of beer.

She tip toed back to her room. And closed the door quietly.

She put the 6 pack on her bed, and sat on her bed. She took out the bottle of no dose. Read the label.

Do not take more then 2 every 6 hours.

She opened the bottles using the edge of the blanket so she wouldn’t hurt her fingers.

She felt an odd feeling of dazha vue. Since she hadn’t drunk in over a year she knew that this wouldn’t be easy. So she pinched her nose gently shut and brought the bottle to her lips. Thinking if she didn’t smell it would help drinking it. It burned slightly as it poured down her throat.  She stopped for a moment hoping her stomach wouldn’t reject it to quickly. She took the first pill rather then take a whole handful at once and risk choking.

Her hands started to tremble. Making sure to swallow completely and wait before taking the next one. She downed the whole bottle within a few minutes. She felt light headed. She quickly put the bottle in the bottom drawer near her bed, hidden underneath a few magazines. Just to be sure of herself she drank more. Leaving the empty bottles on the floor.

She drank 4 bottles, she felt her stomach feel like fire… she put the bottles in the closet, in the back behind a pile of clothes, along with the ones not drunk.

As she walked back to her bed, she felt the floor beneath her start to spin. She sat down on the bed quickly. She leaned back and rested her head on the pillow and closed her eyes for a minute, hoping the spinning would stop. Her heart started beating very fast. She felt sick, she went to the door, but she realized if she threw up in the bathroom Sarah would hear it… she grabbed a trash can and sat in the corner of the room. Her clothes slightly wet with sweat. Her feet and hands felt ice cold. She tried not to throw up... but she did..  for a half hour... every few minutes.  She started to get scared.  She stood up but leaned her hand against the wall to balance herself, she knew she had to tell Sarah. She went out into the hall and knocked on her door.

Sarah removed the cloth from her eyes and checked the clock, midnight.

“Hey what’s up girl, headache still bothering you?”

“No... I feel sick... I’ve been throwing up?”
Sarah felt her forehead.

“Your warm, here lets go to your room, you want me to make you some hot tea.”
Sarah followed heather to the bedroom.

“Here I’ll turn on the ceiling fan. Ill make you mint tea, that always settles my stomach.”

“My heart…it’s like racing. You’re standing still right?”

“Yea... why?” Sarah started to get worried.

“Cause... things are moving.”

“Ok…ok... I’m gonna call Joel… shit… hold on.”
She ran to her phone.

Benji and Joel in a peaceful sleep.  Phone rang. They picked it up quickly so it wouldn’t wake up there mom. Joel rubbed his eyes. He stared at his clock at the side of the bed on the nightstand, neon numbers shined in his half closed eyes.

“Hello?”

“Joel... you have to come over quick, please heather, she’s very sick she’s throwing up.”

Joel could sense panic in her voice.

“Sarah what happened.” Joel asked as he got off the bed and turned on the light. Benji rolled over and buried his face against the pillow.

“Benji get up.”

“Well... I had left her... she said her head hurt... and... maybe the tacos didn’t agree with her.”

“Does she have a fever?”
”She’s sweating…I don’t know... I didn’t check.”

“We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

Joel put on his shoes, since he had slept in his clothes.

“Benji get up... Heather’s sick.”

Benji rolled over again and sat up and yawned a bit.

Joel grabbed him a made shirt.

“Yea... she’s throwing up...  she thinks maybe her lunch is to blame…let’s leave a note for mom.”

Joel got his keys. And put on his made jacket. They went to the kitchen and wrote a note.

We went to Sarah’s, Heather is not feeling well, and we’ll be back later. Love you, from your Madden twins.

“Alright let’s go.” Said Joel quietly, they went out to the living room, told the guys they were leaving to Sarah’s to check on heather. They barely heard them, they were in deep sleep. They got in Benji’s black used ford explorer.

The first few minutes in the car were silent.

Then Joel decided he had to at least say something.

“I hope she’s ok... if she did this to herself.”
”I don’t know… she better be ok.” Said Benji.

“She’s probably mad at us, after how we treated her yesterday.” Said Joel. Joel touched his cross necklace and held it.

Benji gripped the steering wheel a little tighter and drove faster, down the dark streets.

And that was all they spoke to each other.

They arrived at Sarah’s. Sarah was pacing around on the front porch.

She ran over to there car as they got out.
 “I went back to her room... after I got off the phone and she was just laying there on the bed. Not moving... oh my god I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault.” Joel said as they walked into her house.

“Yes it is, you left her in my care, and it was my job to take care of her.” Sarah started crying.

They went to heather’s room. Sarah stayed in the living room, on the couch.

Joel picked up her wrist, no pulse. Her body pale as a ghost and cold. He picked her up along with the blanket. Her body limp like a rag doll.

Benji observed the room, no pills or alcohol like he had expected. Nothing suspicious.

“Benji!”

“Yea... I’m comin... hold on.”

He went out to the living room, “Here…take her... carry her to the car.”

Benji put his arms underneath her and held her.

“You got her?”
”Yea.”

Joel helped open the door for Benji, he carried her outside to the car.

“Sarah you have to come with us… we have to figure out what to tell the doctors when they realize her parents aren’t around.”

“You’re mad at me aren’t you?”
”No…Sarah we need to talk about this later, Heather needs to get to the hospital.” Joel handed her, her jacket that was on the table by the door.

Sarah got up and wiped her eyes, and grabbed Heather’s purse.

They went out to the car. Benji was putting her gently in the back seat.

Joel got into the passengers seat Sarah got in the back seat. And Benji started up the car.

“Why would she do this?” asked Joel.

“She didn’t do this... she’s sick, gotta think positively.” Said Benji.

Sarah was just really quiet.

Benji could hear the song “Numb.” From Linkin Park playing softly on the radio.

Joel started to count the stars.

They pulled up to the front of Washington DC medical building’s emergency room.

“Best hospital in the area.” Joel whispered.

Benji opened the side door, got her out. Carrying her in his arms the emergency doors slid open.

Joel and Sarah followed close behind, an assistant at the hospital parked there car for them.

A nurse saw them, “we need a stretcher, emergency entrance ASAP.”

A stretcher appeared, Benji laid her down. But not before hugging her gently, “Hold on.” He whispered, even though he knew she couldn’t hear him.

“How old is she?” Asked the nurse.

“19... we don’t know what happened to her, she was throwing up.”
 “Are you the father?”
”No... Were just taking care of her.”
”Ok, we’ll need to inform the parents. Did she take anything?”
”I don’t know...  she said her heart was racing…” said Sarah.

“Do you have any ID for her?”

“Yes.”

“Ok you’ll have to fill out papers, with as much information as you know.” They were checking her vital signs.

“She has asthma.”

“What does she take?”

“Um…. Inhalers, but I don’t know the names.”

“Ok... you all are going to have to wait out here.” Said the nurse as they wheeled her into the emergency room.

The nurse pulled a little shade down over the windows. Joel leaned his head against the door.

“I’m going to go call Tony.”

“I might as well go get us some food, its going to be a long night.” Said Sarah.

Joel got out his cell phone. And called there mom’s house.

Paul picked up the phone quickly.

“Dude, it’s Joel. Heather’s here at the hospital.”
”What happened?”
”We don’t know yet, you should have seen her, she was so pale. When mom wakes up tell her that were here, that Heather’s ok, I don’t want her to worry, and that we’ll be home whenever they let Heather go home.”

“Benji’s there with you right?”

“Yea he’s calling Tony, I think he’s more worried about Heather then I am.”
”I don’t think it helped that we made fun of her yesterday.”
”No... Paul… don’t blame any of this on you guys… she’s just worse then I thought she was... I thought her spending time with Sarah would help. Man we got to do something.”
”Maybe they should keep her there for a few days, just to make sure she’s ok mentally.”
”I can’t do that, I told her that I wouldn’t take her to the hospital for mental reasons.”

“Joel it’s not your decisions, it’s the doctors.”
”It’s so weird…I mean Sarah just took her shopping yesterday, she was supposed to get spa treatment today.”
”You don’t think Sarah told her anything that would make her do something?”
”I don’t know... I’ll talk to her about it defiantly, id better let you go. Sarah went to get food. We’ll call you if anything changes.”

“Tony hey.”
”Fuck…..Benji its 1:00 in the morning... what’s up.”

“I’m in the hospital.”
”Is your mom ok?”
”Yea... it’s Heather, she’s sick, very sick. I don’t know what happened to her.”

“You want me to come over, you’re at the DC hospital right?”
”No... it’s alright.. I hate it here... it reminds me of mom here when she was sick.”

“Shit... I have to go, nick just broke something real expensive, and I have to go kick his ass... I’ll call you later dude.”

Benji put away his cell phone and just sat there in the hallway.

Sarah had returned to the main lobby with food. Bagels and doughnuts for her, Benji and Joel.

Benji joined Joel and Sarah in the main lobby.

“You hungry?” asked Sarah.

“I can’t eat now.” Said Joel.

“Me neither.”
”Your gonna have to eat sometime... So I’ll just leave the bagels and doughnuts here.”

“So what did you tell her Sarah?”
”What do you mean?”
”What did you talk to her about before she got sick?”
”Um.. I asked her about her past.”
”Past in general or, something more specific.”

“Guys.”
”And did she volunteer to talk about it….or as usual did you drag it out of her.” Said Benji.

“Look I was only trying to help, I thought by getting out her feelings, it would help her free some of that anger.”

“You should have waited until she was ready to talk about it.” Said Benji.

“You told me to help her, so I did.”

“Please don’t argue now.” Said Joel.

A nurse walked over to them, with a clipboard.

“Are you the guardians?”
”Yea…you could say that.”

“Where are her parents?”
”There out of town.” Said Benji.

“They’ve passed away.” Said Joel at the same time.

“No... What there trying to say is they went out of town to go to a funeral.”

“Yea... sorry were all a little out of it, stressed.”

The nurse looked at them suspiciously.

“Here are the papers, fill them out and give them back to the receptionist when you’re done along with her ID card.”

The nurse gave them the papers and walked away.

“Hey... If we give her the ID and they call her parents... there out looking for her I’m sure. They’ll come and take her back.” Said Benji.

“That’s good then.” Said Joel.

“Hmm…name… Heather… age... 20... occupation.. Hmm... college student.” She got out Heathers ID card to fill out the info about her address, “Don’t know parents names, don’t know much about medication or allergies.” Sarah flipped through the other pages, “Damn I don’t know much on here.”

“Well just fill out what you can, and real funny Sarah... out of town to go to a funeral.”
”What was I supposed to say?”

“For other put she’s also a Good Charlotte fan.” Said Joel.

“Shut up dude.” Said Benji.

“Alright. I guess we take it up there, with her ID.” Said Joel.

“There going to call her parents, we could get in deep shit.” Benji whispered softly.

“He has a point. What should we do?” said Joel.

“Well…. I could say I forgot it.” Said Sarah.
”There already suspicious enough about us.” said Benji.

“Just give it to them. It’s the right thing to do, drop it off and leave.” Said Joel.

Benji walked up to the front counter.

“Hi, here we finished filling out what we could, here’s her ID, were gonna go...”

“You’re going to have to stay, her parents will probably want to talk to you about what happened, if she doesn’t wake up.”

At heathers home, her mother was checking files on the computer, skimming over word documents. Nothing there except a few good charlotte pictures.

“She must have deleted things before she left.”

The phone rang.

“Hello.” The cop put the phone on the speaker phone.

“Yes, this is Maryland medical center in DC.”

“Do you know something about our daughter?”
”These guys said you’d be out of town…anyway... Yes she’s here. Two guys and a girl dropped her off.”
”Oh my god is she ok, why is she there, how did she get there.”

“I don’t know Mrs., all I know is that she’s here under our care. It’s the best hospital around, they said she was throwing up.”

“Why the hell is my daughter in Maryland, she’s to young to be alone without her parents for this long.” Said her father.

“Who dropped her off at the hospital, who was taking care of her.”

“Her guardians, I didn’t get there names.” The receptionist asked them there names.

Joel whispered to Benji, “Don’t say your real name.”
”Ruben.” Said Joel.

“Levi.” Said Benji.

“Madaline.” Said Sarah.

“Ruben, Levi and madaline, dropped her off.”
”We don’t know those people, heather doesn’t have any guardians.”

“Tell me what’s going on right now.” Said her father.

“Our daughter has been missing for 2 days.” Said her mother.

The receptionist used the other phone line to call the main office.

“Yea were gonna have to make some arrests in the main lobby.”

“We have them here...” The receptionist looked up from her desk. They were gone.

“Security, we need security up here ASAP, they just left… we’ll find them don’t worry.”

“If you don’t find them…. It’s alright, just make sure our daughter is ok, were on our way to get her.”

The receptionist hung up the phone to talk to the security and police that arrived.

 “Yes, two guys, dressed in black, black short sleeved shirt... one was in a black jacket, one was about 5’7… one wearing shorts... and the other was a girl... long brown hair.”

“I’ve been trying to tell you we need surveillance cameras in this place, what were there names?”
”Levi, Ruben and Madaline.”

“So…what should we do?” asked Joel. They all sat in Benji’s ford explorer.

“We go home and forget this whole thing happened.” Said Sarah.

“You just want her to leave so you don’t have to deal with her anymore, what do you say Joel?” asked Benji.

“I say…go back in there and get her, hey isn’t Tony’s mom into the medical field.”
”Yea... I’m sure she has some stuff at her house we can use.” Said Benji.

“How do you suppose we do that, you know there looking for us.” Asked Sarah.
”They don’t know our names. Besides Benji was wearing his hoodie up, they can’t have like a real good description of him.” Said Joel.

“Let’s go in the back door, find a prop room. Change into the clothes, and find Heather.” Said Benji.
”You can use your cell phone to call the front desk and ask where Heather’s room is.” Said Joel.

“I don’t know about this and wait what…. Change into what clothes?”

“Doctors and a nurse, they won’t suspect anything, just walk quickly and not talk to anyone. Come on, all those times we helped you, just do this one thing and we won’t bother you anymore.”

“Fine...” They got out of the car,“I’m a sorority girl, I’m a good girl I’m not supposed to be sneaking into a hospital and taking patients.” Said Sarah.

“Let’s go in through a side door.”

They found the side door, “dude I feel like this is mission impossible.”
”You’re not funny.” Said Sarah.

“Hey only Benji can say that to me…relax Sarah.”

They found a prop room a few doors down.

“You guys go in first ill wait out here... pretending I’m waiting for someone.”

The door was open already, just closed a bit.

“The coast clear?”
”Yea your fine.”

Sarah sat out in the hall, watching the hallway.

They came back out, “That doesn’t even look like you guys, and you took out all of your piercings, good. And wiped off your makeup.”

“Yea we found a nurses outfit in there. You better hope no old guy sees you asking for a sponge bath.”
”Very funny Joel... look out for me... make sure no ones watching you guys.”

Sarah changed into the outfit, put on some makeup.

“Ok…let’s go.”

“Call the front desk dude, so we know where were going.” Said Benji. They got in the elevator, no one was on it.

“Hey... yea were looking for heathers room number.”
”What’s her last name sir?”
Joel covered the phone, “What’s her last name?”
Sarah gave him the last name.

“Room 658, 4th floor. She’s out of the emergency room, she’s in recovery now.”

“Thank you.”

Benji pushed the 4th floor button.

“Where’s the maternity floor... we have to avoid that area.”

They arrived on the 4th floor, “which way is room 658?”
”Read the signs dude.”

They went to the left, down the hall.

“Here’s 658.”

They saw her lying there, no flowers or anything near her.

She was still in her regular clothes, there was a IV in her arm.

“I wonder if she’s awake...” asked Benji.

Joel touched her arm.  Her eyes opened a little.

“Where am I?”
”Your in the hospital… do you remember who we are?”
”……yea... you... look different.”

“Were going to get you out of here, they called your parents there coming to pick you up and take you back home.”
Heather started to sit up.

“No need to rush... you’ve just had surgery, so were gonna take things slow. If you didn’t wake up were going to get you a wheel chair.”

“You think you can walk?” asked Sarah.

“Yea... I’m just really really tired, my throat hurts. And I feel dizzy, my head hurts…and this fucking IV.”
”Good she’s back to her normal self.” Said Sarah with a little laugh.

“I’m sorry to all of you.”

“No were sorry, we shouldn’t have made fun of you.” Said Joel.
”And I shouldn’t have made you bring up your past if you didn’t want to.” Said Sarah.

“How did you…”

“Well explain everything later... let’s get that IV out of you first.”

“What about the Spa treatment.”
”Don’t worry about that, we’ll schedule it another day.”

Joel touched her arm and gently pulled the needle out.

“Here we got you a nurse’s outfit to wear.” Said Benji.

“You need help standing up.”

“No... I think I’m ok.”

Heather got up slowly, and made her way to the bathroom, that connected to the recovery room.

As soon as heather finished changing Sarah did her makeup so she wouldn’t look so pale. And put her hair in pigtails.

“You look good with makeup on.” Said Benji.

They walked fast down the hallway, and into the elevator, they went down to the first floor. Then out the side door. No one had looked at them suspiciously; they all assumed they were doctors and nurses working the early morning shift.

“Joel can you carry me to the car.”

“Sure... no problem.” He picked her up and carried her to the ford explorer. And put her in the back seat.

“Heather, were sending you to Tony’s for a few days.”

“But why, I wanna go to your house.”

“His mom is a doctor, they have things there at there house that can help make you better, besides if you stay at our house our moms there, and she’d be a nervous wreck.”

Heather rested in the back seat as they drove to Tony’s.

Benji got out his silver cell phone.

“Hey Tony.”

“Hey Benj... Hold on…Fuck …nick put that beer bottle away... you had enough to drink.”

“We need to drop Heather off at your house for a few days.”
”Dude we had a party last night... and our house is kind of trashed.”
”Is there anyone else there?”
”No... Just me and the guys.”

“Alright un-trash it, were on our way.”
”Wait I thought heather was in the hospital.”
”She was, they called her parents there on there way to pick her up, to take her home, so we got her out of there.”
”You know if they find you.”
”Yea I know… I just want heather to be ok…and since your mom is a doctor... she could help her.”
”My moms at the hospital, she had to work today.”

“Shit... ok we’ll you have anything at your house we could use?”
”Yea… all I have is a little heart and oxygen monitor that goes on your finger.”

“Ok... we’ll be there soon.”

Benji put his cell phone away.

“Here let me check your pulse on the way there.” Joel held my wrist, “I don’t hear anything...”

“Here... let me try.”

“I’d check but I’m driving.” Said Benji.

“See I feel the pulse... fast... but its ok.” Said Sarah.

“Were almost at Tony’s house then you can rest... but your going to drink, cause your very dehydrated from throwin up so much.”

“I thought Tony always has parties.”
”Not while your there he wont.”

They pulled into Tony’s driveway.

“You and Sarah wait in here, we’ll go check it out, make it suicide-proof.”

Benji and Joel went into house.

“Wow this was a fast clean up dude.” Said Joel.

“Yea... dude Jeremiah put that beer away.”

“Yea no drinking you guys... can you put a lock on the fridge?”
”Sure… I guess… what you don’t want us to drink beer either?”
”No you can….Heather can